All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Spring Dining Guide
MO’S TOWN SOUL FOOD CAFE, “Where we turn over the tablecloth for you,” (3763 Indian Massacre Blvd. Wimpton). Mo has been around since they built the Riverside Snowshed and she’s been feeding people even longer than that. The pre-Mon-troid, omni-cuisine includes Franco-American Spaghetti, frozen TV dinners, assorted frozen pot pies, bologna sandwiches and fish sticks. Why eat at home when you can dine out? Try Mo’s- “Where the Can is King!”
THE KENNEL LOUNGE, (Sapinero Center). How about Birdseed Etouffe or Turtle on the Half Shell? It’s all here! Kibble Quiche, Bones Rockefeller or Magpie Pie. All entrees served in a dirty dish out on the back stairs. Reservations discarded.
NAUTILUS STEAKHOUSE, (Ophir Loop North, two blocks from the dump). Finally someone has combined the fitness rage with the eating obsession. After a brief orientation, diners find themselves inhaling pepperoni pizzas during sit-ups as well as baked potatoes and 1/2 chicken during aerobics. Pot boys in muscle hats, too! Developed by Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, author of “Feel Good Fat,” which is on sale in the lobby. Get “The Doc” to autograph your copy. He’s probably in the bar.
CHATEAU MARMOT, Redstone. Ribs by the truckload. All you can eat by the hour, day, week or month. Three corpse meals from $6.50. Omelets so tasty you’d never know they use powdered eggs. Prime Squid is just $11, while New York Snake goes for $9.95. “Bodacious vittles” says Omar Whelp of “Popular Mechanics.” “Plenty of empty tables,” says Sue Croppy of “Woodworker’s Anonymous.” Closed February.
NICK’S ASBESTOS LOUNGE, Ridgway. “Give them two or three stiff drinks and they won’t criticize the food.”- Nick Pelaruskas. Specializing in entrees that begin with the misplaced “E”. Eggrolls, eclairs, escargot, enchiladas and eel are some examples. 40 percent gratuity required with groups of more than one. “ Dirtiest kitchen in the San Juans.”- Health inspector.
OUR PROMISE TO YOU: IF YOU CAN STILL EAT AFTER READING THIS NEWSPAPER WE’LL BUY YOUR DINNER AT ONE OF THE RESTAURANTS LISTED ABOVE. (Offer good through April, 2014.)
Martian Web Site Discovered
(Colona) Two internet surfers appear to have stumbled across the most magnificent discovery since Lief Erickson sailed into Newfoundland in 1340. Unlike the Viking they did it from a home computer.
Perhaps the most thrilling kicker is that they have had mounds of correspondence from their extraterrestrial counterparts, two young hackers from the Noonday Gulf on the Red Planet of Mars. Although at first the language barrier was formidable, after a little code work and sound wave application both sides began to communicate quite readily.
“What a shock to find a Martian website,” said one of the lads, whose names were not released until further investigation could be completed. “This certainly throws a bit of light on the question of other beings living in our solar system. What’s really funny is that our new friends still use dial-up to access their email.”
The Martians say their entire culture lives miles above and below the planet which has been determined to be quite inhospitable due to extreme temperatures and the presence of red dust all over everything.
When contacted leading sources at NASA and the FAA agreed that the assumption is ridiculous and that any number of scenarios could explain the exchange.
“It’s about as silly as the Man in the Moon theory,” said one NASA official.
Meanwhile sources within the Bush Administration denied validity regarding the findings due to accepted Creationist theories and “because, to quote a high ranking aide, “we believe the world to be flat.”
Rogue scientists attempting to make contact with other beings in the Universe say the vocal patterns and data shared indicate that the sources are indeed extraterrestrial.
“We have yet to hear anything like this,” stressed one free-lance space ship chaser from New Mexico. “even in the movies. If true, the ramifications of this encounter will immediately change the world as we know it.”
The two boys have been taken into protective custody by government officials who hope to determine if the communication is real or if its a hoax. Intergalactic enthusiasts interested in checking out the site can go to www.mars.org or wait to be contacted telepathically. Be advised that doing so may violate recent federal bans on communication with persons from outer space.
Interview with a recently discovered poet
Paco Clyde-Sarena, for decades a remote, frazzled voice in the world of supercilious verse, has finally reached the mainstream of world literature. We were fortunate to have been granted this interview with one of the most stimulating figures of our time.
Horseshoe: Why are all your poems the same length?
Paco: It’s the size of the fecking pad, man. I bought 2000 legal pads in March and I’m already down to six or seven. I start at the top and fill space with my words until I reach the bottom…then I have lunch.
Horseshoe: So it appears you have a rigid daily discipline. Do you write everyday?
Paco: No. I only write on Wednesdays.
Horseshoe: What do you do the rest of the time?
Paco: I make wine.
Horseshoe: That’s quite a combination…poems and bodegas! Do you see a metaphor here?
Paco: I see a lot more metaphors after the wine has matured. Barbie dolls on the in the roux burned like a bat-winged banter master spouting crude recollections. False prophet…False sinner, worse yet. Spoken flowers are only as good as the lover who catches the poem petal. Most miss it surely as it drifts to the ground.
Horseshoe: Wow! That’s hot. What time of the day do you prefer to write?
Paco: Right out of bed works the best. I like to smoke Nicaraguan puros while I mainline Paraguayan mate’ and scramble my oatmeal. That’s when my head is clear and my passion ignited. Some of my favorite works, however have been penned on my way to bed when my head is swirling and my dreams linger.
Horseshoe: Heavy.
Paco: No actually quite light. It’s important for an artist to give himself plenty of leisure time. That way the words flow without the distractions of the mundane.
Horseshoe: Your words are incredible and we see that you are bi-lingual as well. If I may quote from a recent work:
Las estrellas del Sur habla
a me en la noche linda .
Dicen mi nombre, su nombre bella
su nombre bella, su nombre bella.
Su alma, su corizon, su cuelo rico.
Chow dudes. Viva pax.
What do these words mean to you?
Paco: I don’t have any idea. I don’t speak a lick of Spanish.
Horseshoe: It’s kind of like telepathy, no?
Paco: Yeah sure. I can write 700 poems in one day if I drop all pretense and quality control. Most people are afraid of poetry anyway so very few get passed the first line or two. As a beautiful woman once told me: “It’s bad poetry, Paco…but keep slinging it. Sooner or later you’re bound to rhyme something.”
Horseshoe: I see you drive a 1947 Bedford Paddy Wagon. That must have cost a pretty penny.
Paco: It was a gift from one of my lovers.
Horseshoe: Are you besieged by beautiful women like it says in the introduction to Bruin Conspiracies? Do you read to them all?
Paco: I can’t read. To quote the late Warren Zevon: Poor, poor pitiful me…poor, poor pitiful me…the young girls won’t let me be…poor, poor pitiful me. I wish I’d written those lines, yeah boy.
Horseshoe: Have you any advice for budding poets?
Paco: Write with crayons, that way if you get hungry you’ll have plenty to eat. Just go on a tear and hope nobody reads the stuff…It’s all perception of reality anyway. If it barks like a bird and whinnies like an ostrich then I’d suggest staying far away during mating season.
Paco will be appearing at Vegetable Buddies Bar and Grill in Manana
for a book signing and wine making symposium on May 32 unless it rains.
Marmot Thefts Up Again
(Blue Mesa) With the arrival of the Texas Fantail to the region, a sharp increase in petty theft at the hands of gold-bellied marmots and their alpine allies has been keeping police and forest rangers busy so far in July.
Thefts and intrusions are up about 40% over June, with the heavy days of August still ahead. Researchers at the Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons Laboratory at Gothic think the increase has to do with an increase in the marmot population and a distinct expansion of food groups that years ago were not part of the whistle pig diet.
“Five years ago one rarely saw a marmot chewing on a chicken leg or slamming a can of bloody mary mix,” said one researcher, “but now it’s quite common. We also blame the higher concentration of humans above timberline and a short attention span on the part of these visitors.”
It has been documented over and over again that tundra species are not above eating everything from burgers to radiator wires when given the chance. Persons camping or jeeping in the high country are asked to take precautions.
“We don’t want to create a generation of fuzzy thieves,” said another RMBWL source. “Once they start stealing there is little we can do. It often starts out with a peanut or a marshmallow and ends up with grand theft auto raps and well organized cooler heists. One RV caravan reported an entire freezer ensemble, a satellite dish, three poodles and a digital Christmas lights schematic missing after a short fishing trek.”
Although the lot as recovered the next day the poodles are still missing.
Often incidences of shoplifting and cooler pilfering attributed to alpine scavengers goes unreported making it even more difficult to control the trend.
“If people don’t file complaints we can’t write them down in our little books,” said one park service officer.
Authorities have up to now attempted to play down these crimes so as not to discourage trips to the alpine tundra. Many fear the situation could reach epidemic proportions wit h the arrival of bear and monkey mating season in September.
In a related story weathermen at the top of Engineer Pass report golf balls the size of hail, ptarmigan laughter and rocks on the road. That seasonal situation is not expected to change until the next ice age.
– Melvin Toolini
CUBANS CURSED WITH CASTRO-INTESTINAL DISORDER
Over half the population of the island of Cuba is suffering from acute Castro-intestinal disorders of varying degrees, according to our boys over at the State Department. The chronic maladies reportedly began in 1958 and have grown more severe ever since.
Doctors there once believed that playing baseball and smoking quality cigars would arrest the problem, but instead they have been arrested by secret police and have disappeared.
Cuban leader, Fidel Castro, has assured his people that the situation is only temporary and that he will voluntarily step down as soon as Brazil breaks free from the continent of South America and the National League establishes a franchise in Havana.
“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” – Mark Twain
