All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Sock Market Crashes

(Wall Street) The American Sock Market, recently driven to its knees and ankles by foreign competition, has finally snapped, according to unreliable sources here. Imports from China and Malaysia and Bangladesh have flooded the feet market of late.

Gaping holes in the domestic market have combined with limp protectionist policies caused the situation to slide down and sag rapidly.

According to a respected industry spokesman, Bobbie Argyle, we may never ever again see a pair of union-made US socks.

“If the modern robber barons had not demonized and gutted the unions in this country, we might have avoided this demoralizing predicament. This is indeed a sad day for feet in America! If we cannot even manufacture our own socks what do we have?”

Rocky Mountain Recipes

Franco-America Spam
Take one large can of Franco-American spaghetti and mix thoroughly with tin of Spam (medium size). Boil to taste.
Blender Beanie-Weenie Dublin Pate
Take three small cans of beanie-weenies. Place in functional blender with just a splash of water or Irish whiskey. Blend till pudding-like.
Next Month: 2000 Untouchable Ways to Prepare Brahman Noodles

Silverton Mulls Isolation by 2021

(Red Mountain) The county seat and acknowledged Shangri-La of of San Juan County may be inaccessible sooner than state engineers had predicted, according to an ongoing study that examines alternative transport in tactical spots. Of course most of the highway from Ouray is fine, as is the continuance of Highway 550 to Durango. The bugaboos are the several spots on Otto Mears’ old toll road that are not up to snuff.
“Crazy as it may seem if there is just one impassable spot the whole road closes down,” said a top C-DOT spokesperson.
The two most serious hazards appear to be Ruby Wall and the top of the climb out of Chattanooga Gulch where bits of asphalt dangle in the sky and rocks the size of your head sit as land mines waiting to be ignited by a hapless motorist or even a bumbling mountain goat.
Unlike flat environs there is no space too work with and no way to keep the road from falling away.
“Ruby Wall is disintegrating in the shadow of massive vertical rock while the Chattanooga Gulch drop is getting closer by every rock that falls,” continued the source. “Back in January I met a semi hanging out over onto my side of the road at the top where the road whittles away to nothing. . We almost collided in the ice.”
It is these two sites that have been identified as posing the highest immediate danger to travelers. Civil engineers, tired of drawing up temporary fixes for the roadways are already busy developing alternative solutions that some say are innovative beyond belief and others say lack ingenuity and fail to see the big picture.
Proposed detours include running traffic up above Ruby Wall and far below the well substantiated Chattanooga drop off. Other maps see a major traffic shift at the former Red Mountain site that traverses up and over Corkscrew Pass into Silverton. This plan would require a flattening out of parts of Corkscrew and the widening of existing roads from Gladstone to Silverton. Paving Cinnamon Pass has been discussed but is not a serious consideration at the present time according to engineers here.
A sub-plan that calls for the flooding of Animas Forks followed by air strikes on the designated trouble spots have been discarded due to the drought and county noise ordinances. The river bottom, often a logical choice of flatlanders, is not functional as a byway after even a slight snowstorm since the snow stays around and the ice forming on the sides of the canyon take visibility down to nothing.
In a grab bag with all the other answers is a plan calling for Silverton to relocate. This unraveling retort continues suggesting that Ouray move too. Realistically we don’t expect a geographic approach to be taken seriously by the stubborn populations in these burgs.
Tipping his hat to gravity the source told reporters that the only intelligent plan to to construct a gondola system that covers present and potential disaster areas.
“We can’t very well ferry anyone across and there are no good spots to build a heliport in that country,” he continued. I don’t like the math involved with multiple helicopter trips through those tight spaces at night or in bad weather either.”
Road warriors project that experimental gondola rides will commence in 2014.
“It’s either that of they roll up the sidewalks on Greene Street for good.”
For related data please turn to
“Newspaper Inundated with Angry Letters from Silverton”
on Page 155

McDonald Sucked Into Meat Grinder

(Montrose) Local clown/restaurateur Ronald McDonald was seriously injured when he was sucked into a meat grinder at his eatery here. According to police McDonald’s baggy clown suit became tangled up in the mechanism and before anyone knew it he was gone.
“It was quite the little deal,” said McDonald employee Bennie Zitte, of Coal Creek. “One minute he was here, then the next he was bun bait.”
A badly rattled McDonald is currently hospitalized for burns and abrasions suffered at the hands of the meat grinder. Physicians agree that it might have been curtains for the clown had he continued on into the paddy machine.
“He’s a tough old bird,” said Zitte.

Cigarette Tax Would Fund Firing Squads

(Lake City) A proposed cigarette tax would help defer the cost of providing regional firing squads, according to anti-smoking advocate Senator Oral Noise. The honorable politician made this statement while hunting in Hinsdale County yesterday.
Most of the revenue collected through taxation would go directly for the squads,” said Noise, “with about 40 percent easily gobbled up by administrative cost. We feel that this plan earmarks the funds for one specific purpose and does not place the money in a cookie jar pork barrel accessed by too fingers.”
Noise did not comment on the further disbursement of taxes, saying that he would wait until after the election to elaborate on the matter.
Firing squads are employed by many law enforcement agencies across the state, and due to the traditional last minute ritual, have been associated with smoking for centuries.
“We don’t know how the public will react to this gesture,” smiled Toole, “or who might benefit from the suggested reapportionment.

Spring Dining Guide

MO’S TOWN SOUL FOOD CAFE, “Where we turn over the tablecloth for you,” (3763 Indian Massacre Blvd. Wimpton). Mo has been around since they built the Riverside Snowshed and she’s been feeding people even longer than that. The pre-Mon-troid, omni-cuisine includes Franco-American Spaghetti, frozen TV dinners, assorted frozen pot pies, bologna sandwiches and fish sticks. Why eat at home when you can dine out? Try Mo’s- “Where the Can is King!”
THE KENNEL LOUNGE, (Sapinero Center). How about Birdseed Etouffe or Turtle on the Half Shell? It’s all here! Kibble Quiche, Bones Rockefeller or Magpie Pie. All entrees served in a dirty dish out on the back stairs. Reservations discarded.
NAUTILUS STEAKHOUSE, (Ophir Loop North, two blocks from the dump). Finally someone has combined the fitness rage with the eating obsession. After a brief orientation, diners find themselves inhaling pepperoni pizzas during sit-ups as well as baked potatoes and 1/2 chicken during aerobics. Pot boys in muscle hats, too! Developed by Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, author of “Feel Good Fat,” which is on sale in the lobby. Get “The Doc” to autograph your copy. He’s probably in the bar.
CHATEAU MARMOT, Redstone. Ribs by the truckload. All you can eat by the hour, day, week or month. Three corpse meals from $6.50. Omelets so tasty you’d never know they use powdered eggs. Prime Squid is just $11, while New York Snake goes for $9.95. “Bodacious vittles” says Omar Whelp of “Popular Mechanics.” “Plenty of empty tables,” says Sue Croppy of “Woodworker’s Anonymous.” Closed February.
NICK’S ASBESTOS LOUNGE, Ridgway. “Give them two or three stiff drinks and they won’t criticize the food.”- Nick Pelaruskas. Specializing in entrees that begin with the misplaced “E”. Eggrolls, eclairs, escargot, enchiladas and eel are some examples. 40 percent gratuity required with groups of more than one. “ Dirtiest kitchen in the San Juans.”- Health inspector.
OUR PROMISE TO YOU: IF YOU CAN STILL EAT AFTER READING THIS NEWSPAPER WE’LL BUY YOUR DINNER AT ONE OF THE RESTAURANTS LISTED ABOVE. (Offer good through April, 2014.)