All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

CORRESPONDENCE FROM THE 20TH CENTURY

In 1899 Samuel Langhorne Clemens wrote a letter from the horse-whipped 19th Century to the callow 20th. It offered wisdom, advice and apologies. Despite its attempt to promote peace, tolerance and general sanity the letter appears to have been pushed aside in favor of shiny technology, bright soldier’s uniforms and a brave new world. We can only try again.

Dear Big Brother:
I am writing you in the hopes of averting yet another saga in our eternal collision course. Although I am fully aware that you regard me with some disdain, it is necessary that one last effort be made. Here on my death bed many images roll by. Some are good, some are evil. It is my sincere hope that you can benefit from my mistakes and enter the Millennium with the sentiments of the dove, not the aptitude of the vulture.
It all started for me in 1900 with fireworks, anarchists, cake walks, Boxer Rebellions and Sigmund Freud. The world was a big bowl of cherries. Queen Victoria was on the way out, electricity was on the way in. Life was good, at least for those who could afford it. Naiveté reigned. Summer walks along the shore. The New York Giants, the Brooklyn Dodgers. Orville and Wilbur, Peter Pan, “The Great Train Robbery” and the Panama Canal. You’re too young to remember, but the first decade also gave us the Boer War, the Russo-Japanese War, the Mexican Civil War, Revolution in China, the beginnings of the Bolshevik rise to power in Russia. Human life was cheap on most of the planet….cheaper than coal…cheaper than opium.
In 1906 the population of London was 4.5 million. New York boasted 4 million while Tokyo and Vienna each had 1.5 million residents. The armies of the earth showed strengths of 13 million (Russia), 7.9 (Germany), and France at 4.8 million men-in-arms. With all those people clutching rifles it seemed like a prime time to hold a war.
An earthquake in Sicily killed 150,000 in 1908 and in 1921 the Titanic collided with an iceberg drowning 1500. Population control.
The Pale Horse unveiled his ruthless assembly line in 1914 when nations turned cannons on neighbors, embalming names like Mons, Gallipoli and Belleau Wood on the human psyche. Once again metal is victorious over flesh. Military casualties were appalling, reaching 40 million, as best as anyone could determine. Germany alone lost almost 2 million dead (give or take a few hundred thousand) while total casualties in the Russian Army neared 10 million. Think of the population explosion that might have occurred had these people lived a normal lifetime of, say, 50 years.
It’s difficult to believe that after the War to End All Wars the next generation in Europe was willing to march off to battle so soon.
Here in the U.S. we had the Roaring Twenties to distract us, then the Great Depression to bring them back to reality. There were sports heroes like Babe Ruth, Helen Wills, Gertrude Ederle and Jack Dempsey but you can access that information on the Internet during your coming tenure. Be sure to look up The League of Nations and examine the quality of life for the losers in post-war Europe.
Despite becoming the most charming and inventive inhabitants of the planet, humans remained the most vile. How would you have handled the violent labor struggles or the emergence of destructive nationalism? What about cruel colonialism? How would you have dealt with racism or the rantings of men like Hitler and Stalin? Ever hear of Lizzie Borden, Fritz Haarmann, the Ku Klux Klan, Bruno Hauptman or the St Valentine’s Day Massacre?
In 1930 Ras Tafari became Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia, the French began building the Maginot Line, the Germans constructed the Siegfried Line and the population the United States reached 122 million. By 1935 Mussolini had conquered Ethiopia (Abyssinia), France launched the “S.S. Normandie”, Germany had repudiated the Versailles Treaty and the population of China stood at 422 million.
In 1937 the Japanese occupation army slaughtered millions in Shanghai and Nanking while Joe Stalin killed even more attempting to starve the Ukraine into submission. In the United States 32,000 people died in auto accidents in 1938. In 1939 45,000 persons were killed as a result of an earthquake in Turkey. That year the U.S. economy boomed due to orders from Europe for arms and war equipment. After the nightmare of World War II is over, estimates of war dead were 45 million, including 10 million men, women and children killed in Nazi concentration camps.
Despite the carnage, the world population hit 2.3 billion in 1950.
Where you intend to put all these people after 2015 is your own business. Although my track record is bleak I have tried, and failed to deal with what will surely be our demise. We held dress rehearsals in Korea and Vietnam and watched the Cultural Revolution on TV. We met Pol Pot and witnessed suicide charges across the Zagros Mountains adjacent to the Persian Gulf. Civil War did its part in Central America, in Northern Ireland and “the Holy Land”.
Are planets like Mars and stars in other galaxies potential digs or are they ancient bone yards of societies that have long ago suffocated themselves? Who really wants to live on some moon anyway. They probably don’t even have cable.
And today I heard that a bunch of self-serving loonies are again building shelters and hoarding food in fear of economic collapse. Where have these people been – the collapse happened years ago and we’ve just been cleaning up around here a bit. Some say bad air will strangle us as a species. Others are expecting the Second Coming.
Most just sit around and wonder how much rice is needed to feed Asia and the are stunned by the frightening multiplication tables of population.
OK, so I botched the 20th Century. It’s not like I was given an instruction manual. Sure there were great technological advances (most at great costs) and there have been wondrous creations and even some solutions. Is nature so cruel that death is the major variable that insures the continuity of life on earth? Every time a medicine saves a life, that life becomes a statistic in doom’s growing parade.
This morning Central Africa remains at war, ethnic cleansing marches on in Ukraine and people are starving in North Korea. More babies are born in South America and India. Rain forests are chewed up in Brazil. Abortion clinics are doing a grandstand business while the good folk load their rifles.
One could listen to limp lipped leaders talk about the salvation of technology and the bright future for our kids. “Everything is fine.” We can even watch rush hour on morning television. Look at those rats on the way to another meaningless race. Wait. One or two of them might actually get ahead. Let’s send an army to fight in Syria/Iraq and ignore East Los Angeles and downtown Baltimore.
One could open his eyes and watch favorite sons gobble up the last resources on the planet. Can we invent a substitute of water? For air? Is it such a surprise that we lose sight of what we are doing here and embrace violence and mindless distractions? Is intolerance toward our fellow humans the animal response? We generate more garbage than solutions. How to we turn it around? You tell me.
Good luck in 2015. You’ll damn well need it. If you need to get in touch with me for any reason you’ll just have to sift through the history books. I never got around to getting E-Mail.
– Little Bro

Ouray Telluride Tunnel Reopens Thursday

(Governor’s Basin – Ouray, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
With the final blasting set for this weekend the massive Ouray-Telluride Tunnel should be back in business this week. Shattering all estimates of man-hours and expenses incurred, the project was speedily revamped employing high tech trenching devices not available when the passageway was created by the mining industry in 1903.
“Actually there are countless tunnels running all over hell heading west from Ouray and petering out at both the Ruins at Idarado and Bridal Veil Falls in San Miguel County,” said Myron Me, Executive Director of the Telluride Tunnel Festival slated for next summer. “This recent construction aimed to link the major arteries so as to access strategic points and allow underground travel.”
The mega-renovation is in no way meant to be a substitute or replacement for the failed gondola project abandoned in 1975. The 15-mile tunnel that winds its way through tons of rock is not a surrogate but rather a highway for business, gov’ment and pedestrians wishing to navigate these mountains rather than driving around them. The venture was funded with federal and state coffers.
“A restoration like this takes money,” said local politician Hal Burton, who hopes a new 5% tax in both counties could lighten the blow significantly. “It is our unpleasant task to implement a slight duty tax on local residents who will most benefit from the infrastructure. The remainder of the cost will be subsidized by the government via a fiscal excess discovered following the termination of the School Lunch Program, Social Security, and the recall of collector food stamps featuring the portrait of Speaker of the House, John Boehner (Republican-Moeller High School).
Backers of the dig say they have poured over feasibility studies since the 80s and that the time was right to go ahead. The overall cost was estimated at more than a million but less than a billion. Driving time between the two towns should be reduced from one hour and ten minutes (depending on the weather) to approximately 12 minutes.
“This is bigger than the opening of the ski area, the Twin Cities Prairie Dog Shoot, Norwood Pioneer Days, the Keystone mud slide of ’85 and the Papal blessing of Lawson Hill all rolled into one,” said Burton.
Phase two of the mission calls for a link the above-mentioned towns with Lake City, Silverton and Ophir in 2016. – Marlene Marvelous

California Admits Faults

Special from the coast – December 27, 2014
In a departure from the flash and the past glitter, California today admitted its faults. In a repentant, unbecoming mood, the state identified both Calaveras and San Andreas Faults as its own.
The Golden State reportedly hopes that by coming out of the closet on this, it can better accept the reality of earthquakes and climate disorders down the road. It is surmised that a higher level of trust might be attained with neighboring states in the event of projected problems all along the Pacific Rim.
Most faults are either planar fractures or a discontinuity in a volume of rock. The displacement occurs along these fractures as a result of earth movement. Earthquake magnitude can be measured by these mega-thrusts, while prediction is often left to seismic scales due to molecular shifts and geological phenomenon active in affected regions.
In a prepared statement a state geotechnical engineer confided to reporters that California is seeking help and is enrolled in primary therapy aimed at identifying and correcting imbalances in the social fiber (faults).
As a gesture of sincerity, California has already agreed to reevaluate standing water agreements with several Rocky Mountain States, embracing conservation this time around. A persistent drought has complicated negotiations, often clouding the issues, resulting in misconceptions as to the priorities of the players.
“We’d like to see a moratorium on new golf courses and swimming pools,” said Colorado Rep Oral Noise, (Unitarian-Pueblo). “A fervent display of progressive ideals such as this might help everyone keep his boat afloat.” – Cowboy Mountain Man

Insulating Yourself from Mr. Winter

Ridgway (Colorado) Extension Release – December 27, 2014

The ancient Sumerians said it best: “It’s never to late to insulate!” Even though we are fully engaged surviving the winter of 2014 there are several more winter weeks ahead in 2015. In addition, the right insulation should help keep your home cooler in the summer, so, without further delay Let’s Get Insulated. Let’s insulate against mean old Mr. Winter.
The first thing to do is to determine which insulation is right for your structure and your lifestyle. There is batt insulation that comes in sections, blanker insulation that comes in rolls and lose-fill insulation that can be blown into ceilings, floors and walls.
Correctly choosing your insulation will help down the road with soundproofing efforts and can be an asset when placing electrical boxes and wires. Refractory materials are used to insulate against higher temperatures in such installations as incinerators and industrial furnaces. They may see temperatures up to 3200 degrees F, which is the temperature on a cloudy day in hell and is considered “damned hot” even to the macho, battle-hardened jacuzzi enthusiast. This is far too hot for the malt and hops routine or the three-minute egg.
Some people enjoy running around inside their homes while naked. While this is not a practice that we will be dissecting for moral purposes, it should be clear that these people would require more insulation than a family that wears coats to breakfast (at least around the windows and doors). Hot drinks and a few minutes at the firewood chopping block can be deterrents to the creeping chill getting the best of you. Take the cat for a walk! A brisk jog or fashion-conscious power walking gets the blood flowing.
Hibernation, while not the healthiest of endeavors, can be an effective way to say “So long Mr. Winter! Stay in the house under a blanket, wear layers of clothing, trap air between inner and outer surfaces or buying storm windows works for most of the recluses around here.
Why do you think all those Arabs war loose-fitting robes out in the desert where it summer temps reach 125 degrees? They aren’t stupid. How many air conditioners does one observe strapped to the hump of a camel or hanging out of the doorway of a Bedouin tent? It’s the same concept employed whether one seeks to keep out hot or cold.
The rule of thumb for the Rockies is that outdoor weather may not be compatible with indoor comfort. If it’s cold in October or November close the damn sliding glass door, or at least make some lame attempt to cover it with a blanket or something. In summer one can reopen the door and achieve relative comfort depending on bugs and noise.
Just try to remember the Five Easy Steps to heat micromanagement: 1.) Cover 2.) Seal 3.) Stockpile 4.) Plan 5.) Clean. Be careful to apply each of these concepts in order so as not to frighten the livestock or even blow up the house.
Here is a further breakdown.
First: Thou shalt cover thy holes and drafts. Before applying insulation see to it that gaping holes and other problem flow regions are undressed. This is where the insulation goes. Drafts can be treacherous because one does not readily see them. Holes are a complete loss. Sometimes it might be easier to live outside under the insulation but please stay with us on this.
Second: One must seal. Using official insulation tape to thoroughly seal all cracks and openings around doors and windows. Skirting is essential around the bottoms of older trailers since cold penetrates through the floor. Many household items can be crammed into leaky spots on a temporary, stop-gap basis until you can get around to a serious remodel come spring. Dog hair, grass clippings, newspaper, old clothing all do the trick and while these items do not keep a domicile toasty they might keep the residents from getting wind burn or frostbite.
Third: Stockpile for a rainy day. Coal and wood are the priority here if you heat with wood. Wimps that use natural gas, electric or propane as primary heat sources should skip to part four. Yes, burning those silly pellets works but avoid car parts, children’s toys and cooking utensils since they have a higher combustion rate and not many BTUs. Fumes given off by these items (if they do light) can’t be good for respiration. Plus they are difficult to split. Just to be on the safe side Never Throw Anything Away! Everything that has been acquired is potential fuel or insulation.
Fourth: A logical plan is the key. Don’t jump into insulation technology half-cocked. Draw up a blueprint. Ask the guys and gals don at the bar. Have another beer. There’s plenty of time to complete the task at hand.
Fifth: Cleanliness is everything! Vacuum and wash all firewood before bringing it into the house. Sweep the chimney for safety and function. Clear out all heat vents. Check propane flow. Wash your hands after asbestos exposure and watch your language in front of the neighbor dogs. Hose down last year’s visquine and reuse it next year.
If you have further questions call your local extension agent. He or she will be all too happy to send you a wad of gov’ment brochures that complicate the procedure and address you as if you were a moron. These will serve well as kindling on a cold morning or make a fine balanced addition to accenting your spring dump load. – Uncle Pahgre

IF JOHN WAS STILL HERE…

(Ridgway, CO — December 12, 2014) If John Wayne was here we wouldn’t have to listen to endless accounts of crooked politicians plying their shameful trade. They would have made him steaming mad and he would have caught up with them as Ethan Edwards in The Searchers and gained revenge in the name of all the innocent victims of their treachery.

If John Wayne was here there would be no confusion as to the art of loving. He and Katherine Hepburn would certainly see to that.

If John Wayne was still with us we wouldn’t be plagued with gang violence. He would ride right into the midst of the bastards and send most home to their mothers. The ones who refused to listen to common sense would face a serious ass kicking like the one he administered to Yakima Canutt in The Lawless Frontier.

If John Wayne was still here we wouldn’t be sending troops into Bosnia. As aging special deputy, Rooster Cogburn, he would have long since disarmed both sides and slapped some sense into the hostiles intent on carrying on the conflict just like he did in True Grit .

If John Wayne was kickin’ he would never have built a house out of tires, sold real estate or sang songs about chickens crashing on Wolf Creek Pass.

If the Duke was still alive we wouldn’t be faced with auto pollution since he would leave his pickup parked back at the ranch and ride his horse all the way to work.

If John Wayne was alive there would be no growing population of homeless Americans. They could all bunk at his house in the Hollywood Hills.

If John Wayne was still alive Michael Jackson would never have suffered from acute gastroenteritis. John would simply utter, “Awwww” and tell Michael to “quit his bellyaching” and get back to work. And you can bet Michael would have done it.

If John Wayne were here we would not have such a chronic problem with domestic violence. He would swoop down from a hillside and whack pee-pees and maybe even ride off into the sunset with one beautiful woman or another like he did in Stagecoach.

If John Wayne were here we wouldn’t have to worry about drunk drivers on the road. He would confront them just like he faced down a drunken Luke Plummer in a dusty cattle town backstreet as the Ringo Kid.

If John Wayne was still kickin’ the problem of illegal aliens would be confronted in a sensitive manner just like they were in Down Mexico Way.

If John Wayne was here men and women would quit the pettiness and learn to respect each other just like he and Maureen O’Sullivan did in countless westerns.

If John Wayne had not died he’d be here explaining the truth about UFOs just like he told the settlers about the Indians in The Big Trail.

If John Wayne was with us Israel and Syria would sit down and talk just like the warring factions in The Shepherd of the Hills.

If John Wayne was here it would be easy to tell the difference between heroes and villains like The Duke and eternal bad guy, George Cheseboro.

If John Wayne had not gone away we would all achieve a level of true happiness and trust like the characters in She Wore A Yellow Ribbon.

If John Wayne was still alive he’d offer just the right support in encouraging good over evil like he did in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

If John Wayne was here he would prove that most soldiers are reluctant, honorable warriors like the cavalrymen in Rio Grande.

Things can certainly be frightening in 2014, especially without someone in a ten-gallon hat willing to ride into the fray and make everything all right. Are happy endings no longer in vogue as we step on our johnsons trying to reach the top of some money tree? John Wayne is no longer riding high in the saddle and maybe the good guys don’t always seem to win in the end. John Wayne is gone and maybe in honor of the vigilant western hero it’s time to take the bull by the horns ourselves, heh?

Kevin Haley, a Hopalong Cassidy wannabe, lives in Colona where he wears cowboy boots to church and publishes The San Juan Horseshoe. He thinks the needy want just a little bit more than just canned goods at Christmas.

For a printed transcript of this column please send $25 to the Eternal Hibernian-American Relief Fund, Colona, CO. Copyright 2014 Kevin J. Haley

Ski Areas Seek Yuletide Swap

(Crested Butte—-December 12, 2014) In an attempt to thwart the weather and take advantage of heavier snows in April a majority of Colorado ski resorts have petitioned the North Pole to change Christmas from December 25 to January 25. The shift would allow skiers to experience what are often the best snow conditions during the holidays
A coalition of legislators, schools and religious leaders say the ski industry has gone too far in attempting to change a long-standing holiday just to make money.
“Next thing you know they’ll want to change Thanksgiving,” said a teacher from Salida.
“That’s not a bad idea,” harped one ski industry spokesperson. “We’d rather open in late December. There re still turkeys around then. What’s the big deal?”
Strong opposition has arisen in Eastern Colorado where Grinches Go Home, a grassroots water movement, says the ski industry gets too much now.
“The ski people don’t share,” said one Grinch voice. “What if we just closed the roads? We look forward to Solstice and Christmas in December to help us get through a darker, colder time of the year. Changing Christmas would throw everything off and it isn’t going to happen.”
Ski promoters say dull is dull and that the holidays on the plains are simply that, no matter the date. More on this when we make it up.
– Spider Byte