All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Fundraisers Report Theft
(Western Colorado Report – February 10, 2015) Supervisors of emergency disaster assistance for the Mañana Economic Development League say they cannot account for tens of hundreds of dollars from recycled T-shirt sales and recording endeavors. The items were sold to benefit the destitute cultural and intellectual famine victims in the Western Slope town.
It is estimated that over 95% of the residents here suffer from these related maladies. Many suspect “unscrupulous promoters and shady storefront managers” may be skimming profits by manufacturing and selling counterfeit items and hiding the money in off-mesa bank accounts.
Many of these unfortunates still believe the campaign promises made during the recent election.
“The disappearance of valid cultural norms within a population that was once starved for learning is the beginning of the end for our nation,” said Everett Jefferson. “Americans tend to embrace fear-based information without bothering to check media sources, which are diminishing as corporations gobble up radio stations, TV stations and newspapers,” he spat.
According to relief volunteers the missing funds could amount to forty or even fifty dollars which is often enough money to rescue the victims of cueing and other propaganda-based dialogue, before they enter the voting booth.
Obama Stuntman Recognized by White House
(Foggy Bottom Bulletin — Washington – February 10, 2015) The unmasking of yet another Obama Stuntman, impeccably disguised as the President, is sure to send a message to detractors critical of White House foreign policy in the region. The stuntman was arrested in Lima, Peru while giving a press conference and balancing a tub of ceviche on his nose.
White House stunt-persons are believed to be operating in every country of the world and in Grand Junction, according to an official press secretary or her stuntwoman.
“The President can’t be everywhere at once. Only God and the Supreme Court can manage that feat,” she capitulated.
In addition to filling in for the Chief Executive, many stuntmen ghostwrite speeches for Vice President Joe Biden and John Kerry. Sadly, the themes have focused solely on prescribed military personal hygiene and were not deemed appropriate for anyone over 12.
The stuntmen and women in Congress did not fully respond in any meaningful manner since they are all on vacation/campaigning. The stunt personnel left behind in their seats to run the government were considering action of stunt lobbyists and their acceptability in or near the nation’s capital.
A strong contingent of former Presidential wooden bobble-heads is expected at the White House to confer with the President or his stuntman tomorrow or the next day.
Gunnison Man Building Mint
(Baldwin Star-Herald – February 10, 2015)) As the sun comes up over another spectacular, albeit chilly morning, Abner Silt can be found hammering shingles, laying carpet and securing his 300-year-old Galician safe adjacent to the old mill here.
These are the finishing touches on a yearlong project aimed at relieving the complexities of slow earning months that ravage the local economy.
“We have all waited long enough for the federals to rescue rural America by building ample infrastructure and creating jobs,” said Silt. “I have been unemployed since 2006 and I’m running short on canned goods.”
Silt’s mint has so far been ignored by the U.S. Treasury Department, an agency responsible for collecting taxes and issuing currency.
Irresponsible money management in such locales as Libya and Syria has dictated a severe run on nickels and dimes, leaving the dollar out to dry. Now the Internal Revenue Service is set to send military advisors to help implement the enforcement of income tax compliance in countries where the annual income is less than a plumber makes on a Sunday call.
“Have at it, I say,” said a defiant Silt. “Let them intervene over there. We always seem to do fine when they are over there and not here.”
The new mint will specialize in quarters and fifty-cent pieces with Silt ‘s face featured on one side and a bugling elk on the other. The strategy is to avoid printing bills over $20 so as not to tip off federal banking inspectors that have been pleasantly scarce around here since the bulk of the gold mines closed in the 70s.
“We prefer to stay small and slide through the cracks,” explained Silt. “The average Congressman spends more money on lunch that we see pass through Baldwin all winter long. It’s not that we’re bitter. It’s more like we are sick and tired of rhetoric and promises from a bunch of inattentive scalawags, born rich and riding on the greed train.”
Dubbed the Silt Mint, the money factory will begin production by the end of the month and reportedly is set to employ an estimated 600 persons in the Gunnison Valley. All currency will be guaranteed by the International Alfalfa Standard, which is a step up from the dollars to donuts criterion currently glossed over in Washington. As a failsafe, Silt’s cash is backed by the Rocky Mountain Firewood Reserve Act along with the Elk in the Freezer Edict, adopted way back in 1935.
Whether or not the US dollar will continue to be accepted in transactions here is a good question at the time of this writing. An exchange rate has yet to materialize and shopkeepers are uncertain as to the benefits of giving change in the new legal tender.
If Silt and his supporters are correct in their assessment, tourists will flock to Western Colorado to purchase the new money as keepsake or trinket to take home. In the face of shortages Silt will not print money to prop up the brain-disadvantaged fallacy that everything is kosher if one has some folding money in his pocket.
Play money for locals and souvenirs for tourists…Sound crazy? Kind of like talking about a balanced budget by 2015, heh?
A majority of Gunnison County residents polled are observing the development with guarded enthusiasm. Local banks did not return our phone calls regarding the breakthrough. – Kashmir Horseshoe
Flip Flop Factory Slated for Montrose
(Olathe, CO — Beat Feets Magazine — January 20, 2015) The newly painted Montrose Industrial Plaza will be the home of a flip-flop plant that will turn recycled rubber tires into leisure footwear. The factory and yard will cover 3 square miles and employ 3000 people all at minimum wage.
According to a man wearing a tie at the Office of the Developmentally Beleaguered Committee, the flip-flop industry is green and relatively non-polluting.
“The use of raw materials already in this country is far better than importing necessary materials from China. We know that much,” said the enlightened administrator.
Flip-Flop Ventures Ltd., of Racine, Wisconsin will headquarter all manufacturing, distribution and recycling here while the accounting and administrative offices will remain where they are until next year. Ongoing negotiations with county commissars will determine the size and location of such trivialities as storage for raw materials, chemical waste, safety of the community and rubber aromas.
“We expect everything to run smoothly since our leaders have made nothing but good decisions since around 1990 which spiked the population and brought chronic social problems and traffic snarls to the valley,” said the tie wearer. “That was the year the leaders of Montrose traded a pleasant, rural identity for a mundane, same-old suburban look.”
In addition to the factory Flip-Flop will operate a catalogue store, a seconds outlet and free parking for employees. The plant will run three shifts and be open 24 hours, 7 days a week.
“We choose Montrose because of the quality of life, the unhurried lifestyle and the presence of cheap labor. A ready reserve of discarded tires and, of course your many abandoned rubber plantations on the plateau, played heavily into the formula,” said an executive at FFV.
The footwear, constructed of raw and recycled rubber, will be exported to Third World countries like Telluride and Grand Junction. The facility, as stated, will cover 3 square miles with the industrial unit taking up almost half of that space. The entire erection will be shaped like foot with a massive big toe at the end of it. Developers hope to employ a healthy dose of neon lighting on the toe if they can get by pesky visual and building codes.
Hats off to all of those who worked so hard to bring us this commercial lift and to make this a better community. – Melvin Toolski
New Mining Technique Unearthed
(Gladstone – Hard Rock Times – January 20, 2015) Young geologists here have developed a new and inexpensive method for the extraction of mineral bearing ore from underground sites. Early testing at Silverton’s once-abandoned Funnyside Mine has yielded such success that the entire industry is in shock over the amount of ore recovered without much cost for labor.
Emmet Uforia, who embraced the field of geology soon after flunking out of a Flatland Medical Institute in Kansas, had originally dreamed of being a proctologist.
“I come from a long line of proctologists,” quipped Uforia. “But if you can’t get next to one hole there’s always another.”
Armed with a master’s in geologic formation and dance, Uforia has recorded unbelievable strides in the harnessing of natural resources, having perfected the wind chime in 1977 and formulating a highly toxic mosquito spray that kills without prejudice. He has been the recipient of every award associated with rocks.
However it is his ingenious and almost supernatural comprehension of extraction problems that has brought him the esteem of his colleagues.
“He’s quite a kid,” said Abner Smyrna, a retired Silverton miner who now sells T-shirts on Greene Street. “In fact if manure were valuable, he’d figure out a way to run tracks down his tongue and stope out his head!”
During a well-attended press conference Uforia was guarded when bombarded on his nuevo-procto-geologic awakening.
“I have simply done what science has been attempting for decades,” he smiled. “I have blended the most positive attributes of two professions: proctology and geology. This procedure, despite the simplicity of it all, has never been tried before but in layman’s terms I just gave that damned mine an enema.”
