All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Bake sale to fund snow removal
(Silverton) A Memorial Day bake sale to help pay for snow removal will be conducted outside the American Legion building in Silverton. Specializing in pastries that go down well with domestic beers the organizers of the event hope to raise $1.6 million but will settle for $300. Afterwards all interested participants will travel by train to Durango for a week-long naughty hay ride and forced sing-along. It all starts at 7 am rain or shine.
Cleanup of Nude Beaches Set For Weekend
(Blue Mesa) The annual spring cleanup of the region’s nude beaches will be held this Saturday morning. Persons wishing to participate are asked to bring lawn tools, plastic bags and a good attitude. It is projected that over 400 volunteers will be needed to do the job.
We expect that the cleanup will be completed prior to the summer tourist season including a quick makeover before hunting season so as to prevent unfortunate, although minimal, incidents of the past. These two distinct groups do not interface well and, in the landmark case Elmer vs Tarzan, a hunter allegedly mistook a nude bather for an elk and fired away. Fortunately he was a bad shot and the volatile episode passed peacefully.
“The kind of rough and ready nudists that visit these often frigid shores are in search of solitude, peace and a natural state of affairs,” said Syd Skynn, proprietor of Syd’s Sun Screen Ventures located at Chicken Bay. “Besides, they’re very picky about cleanliness and grooming.”
Nudists, often perceived as minimalists, still leave a footprint. In their efforts to embrace the natural life they are generally respectful and tidy.
Experts project that nude bathers will spend in excess of 4.3 million dollars on the Western Slope this summer which is three times more than the combined sum spent by RV enthusiasts and mushroom hunters last season.
“We seek to keep the lid on here in thermal paradise,” said Skynn. Coexistence is the key and seasonal priorities have to be appreciated.”
Volunteers are asked to arrive by 8 am. Participants may bring brooms and buckets but not vacuum cleaners since the sand plays havoc with the workings of the otherwise functional tools and they are quickly plugged up. Plastic bags will be provided. A light lunch will be served after the sanitization.
Nude beaches have been legal in Colorado since 1900. For a map of the nearest natural cove or bare bay stop at the local chamber of comments.
“With a little elbow grease, polish and some disinfectant we will be ready for increased summer traffic,” added Skynn. If we all work together we’ll continue have the best nude beaches in the nation.”
-Dusty Pearl
MONTROSE CALENDAR
Con Artist Exhibit Set for July
The recent work of local con artists will be on display at the Montrose Ditch Rider’s annex through July 15 according to organizers of the event. Along with acknowledged masterpieces from the past decade, tools of the trade from aluminum siding scams to “too good to be true” telephone offers are featured. Although the controversial show has drawn slim crowds up to the present, promoters say the information herein is valuable and may prevent consumer fraud scams in the future.
“The artwork of these felons is really quite creative in its own right,” said Paula Chicane, a semi-rehabilitated savings and loan officer. “We expect a more substantial response with the inclusion of the Colorado River water sale exhibit over the weekend.”
Chicane reminded would-be victims of shady dealings that personal greed is a key element to all underhanded ventures.
“In most cases you still can’t cheat an honest man,” she said.
122nd Annual Chicken or Egg Seminar
Forces representing both sides of the age old question will once again meet to attempt to iron out differences on July 24 at the Henny Penny Pavilion here. Featured speakers include former Pentagon official Humpty Dumpty, Michael Tyson and the third cousin of the late Colonel Sanders. No ducks will be admitted during rituals. Readings from The Egg and I will be presented intermittently throughout the day. Culinary demonstrations focusing on the separation of whites and yellows will terminate with the beginning of preliminary fist fights in the parking lot.
How to Get More Out of Your Employees
The local Office of Perpetual Education will sponsor the next phase of its popular Business for the 21st Century on Tuesday nights through December. The impetus of this month’s conference centers on getting more out of your employees, hosted by members of a crack Walmart traveling management team. Off-the-clock Walmart employees will be on hand with coffee and donuts. It all starts at eight sharp with doors locked until at least ten. Local businessmen and others with a keen interest in manipulating underachievers are invited.
GET TO KNOW THE INS NIGHT
All illegal immigrants are invited to the first annual Get To Know Your Immigration and Customs Enforcement, formerly the Immigration and Naturalization Service, slated for July 31 at 7 pm. While the politicians talk about legalization and recognition of this burgeoning section of the population INS officers will get down to the business of handing out temporary Green Cards and gift baskets for the needy. Then ICE will confiscate the materials as contraband. Maps of the Sonoran Desert and recommended Mexican restaurants in the US will be handed out as part of the innovative Have a Heart Program sponsored by unnamed local missions.
Fried Food Channel Kicks Off Service
Consumers interested in subscribing to the new Fried Food Channel on cable are reminded to attend a Kick-off Luncheon on Thursday 11 am August 20 at the Sunnyside Executive Suites. In addition to acquiring necessary technology to receive the signal, an assortment of fried foods will be available. Note: Persons with the Lifelike Aroma Module already built-in to their television sets should show up at noon effectively skipping the introductory song and dance. The first 100 subscribers will receive a leftover Naughty Easter Basket compliments of Muscle Clover’s.
Easter Bunny Detained in Purse Snatching
UPDATE: For anyone not surprised and still marginally interested… Readers will undoubtedly recall that on April 20, Kristi Noem, Secretary of US Homeland Security, former South Dakota governor and MAGA stalwart
was the victim of a purse snatching, losing her clearance badge, her passport and $3000 in cash.
Over the past few weeks a scouring for the purse snatcher had intensified – yet remained unsolved despite FBI surveillance and Homeland Security agents breaking in to warrens in search of the suspected perpetrator.
That all changed this morning with the capture and detainment of the Easter Bunny
All rabbits residing in the United States at the time of the heist were to be arrested and deported but Trump Administration rescinded on the much maligned the move. Noem had initially insisted that a member of a minority group had stolen her purse and that the thief was “undoubtedly an illegal alien who hates America”.
“It is clear that the Easter Bunny took my purse,” groused Kristi Noem, quickly changing her story so as to consolidate her views with those of leading Republicans anxious to put the embarrassing episode to rest.
The Easter Bunny was not in possession of any cash when apprehended, leading some law enforcement personnel to question the validity of a quickly buttoned up case. Although none of the $3000 cash that Noem was carrying was found on the accused crook the government is moving ahead on the arraignment.
The rabbit carries a Green Card issued by the United States and enjoys the status of a legal resident of over 200 countries world wide. He has never had a felony unless hiding brightly colored eggs is now a crime. If indicted, the tall, fuzzy, pink-eared rodent could face deportation.
“That Noem woman should keep a better eye on her high clearance documentation or lose it.” said an Congressional insider who was outside at the time of the heist.
– Melvin Toole
Mine Camps Set to Open – spend your summer underground! Abandoned mine shafts and tailings ponds your thing? Contact Benny Virtuoso, Camp Bird Continuing Education. Ouray.
Fracking in nation’s midsection no longer covered by Medicare.
The pursuit of alternative fuels has fallen victim to yet further cuts in the energy sector as government efficiency wanders about interfacing safety nets and ancient pollutants.
The government position has been that without rigorous safety regulations, fracking can poison groundwater, pollute surface water, impair wild landscapes, and threaten wildlife.
However the current administration has taken a reverse course exhibiting clear hostility regarding wind and solar power and embracing fossil fuels, seafloor mining, coal and fracking methods as part of an attempt to bring back the good old days of domestic manufacturing.
The promises of more jobs may be a flimsy one since there were more people employed in the alternative energy sectors than in traditional petroleum driven arena. The overall employment picture is sure to take a hit with layoffs in the clean and sustainable energy field.
The controversial grandfathered status accorded to fracking, considered the most harmful of all oil exploration techniques continues to be contested at highest levels while the planet burns and dangerous pollution levels increase.
Talk of further deregulation may soon permit drilling in the nation’s cemeteries say ACLU sources, calling the process “tasteless and inhumane at best”.
Voodoo economists warn that this disruption could lead to the release of bad juju and facilitate the emergence of evil spirits in a world already gone mad.
“We have enough evil running the show as it is” said one soothsayer.
– Small Mouth Bess
Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will not be stopping in Silverton this month because my horses are afraid of the train. Sorry.
IRS Offering Ribs in Lieu of Refunds
(Ogden, UT) The Internal Revenue Service, in an apparent attempt to relieve the national debt ceiling, has instituted a flagship program which offers taxpayers baby-back pork ribs instead of refunds.
The ribs, available only to persons who have earned a tax refund will be sent out just like other correspondence from the Treasury Department, arriving late, and probably cold. Already jokes about pork barrel politics and pigs at the trough are circulating major government centers.
“The economics of it all dictate that we too must cut back when it comes to refunding moneys,” said Shirley Turnip of the IRS.
Persons interested in receiving the food should fill out one of the Ribs Instead of Refunds forms available right next to Selective Service questionnaires at local post offices. Respondents must clearly state whether they prefer sauce or dry-cooked ribs and also how they like them done.
“Once we get the fire going it will be too late for substitutions,” said Turnip.
Meanwhile the IRS has filed a final decision as to the status of sun worshipers residing in this country saying that since the practice is not recognized as a legitimate religion and therefore these parties must file taxes in accordance with the existing laws.
“Beware of the man whose God is in the skies.”
– George Bernard Shaw
