All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Fracking in nation’s midsection no longer covered by Medicare.
The pursuit of alternative fuels has fallen victim to yet further cuts in the energy sector as government efficiency wanders about interfacing safety nets and ancient pollutants.
The government position has been that without rigorous safety regulations, fracking can poison groundwater, pollute surface water, impair wild landscapes, and threaten wildlife.
However the current administration has taken a reverse course exhibiting clear hostility regarding wind and solar power and embracing fossil fuels, seafloor mining, coal and fracking methods as part of an attempt to bring back the good old days of domestic manufacturing.
The promises of more jobs may be a flimsy one since there were more people employed in the alternative energy sectors than in traditional petroleum driven arena. The overall employment picture is sure to take a hit with layoffs in the clean and sustainable energy field.
The controversial grandfathered status accorded to fracking, considered the most harmful of all oil exploration techniques continues to be contested at highest levels while the planet burns and dangerous pollution levels increase.
Talk of further deregulation may soon permit drilling in the nation’s cemeteries say ACLU sources, calling the process “tasteless and inhumane at best”.
Voodoo economists warn that this disruption could lead to the release of bad juju and facilitate the emergence of evil spirits in a world already gone mad.
“We have enough evil running the show as it is” said one soothsayer.
– Small Mouth Bess
Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will not be stopping in Silverton this month because my horses are afraid of the train. Sorry.
IRS Offering Ribs in Lieu of Refunds
(Ogden, UT) The Internal Revenue Service, in an apparent attempt to relieve the national debt ceiling, has instituted a flagship program which offers taxpayers baby-back pork ribs instead of refunds.
The ribs, available only to persons who have earned a tax refund will be sent out just like other correspondence from the Treasury Department, arriving late, and probably cold. Already jokes about pork barrel politics and pigs at the trough are circulating major government centers.
“The economics of it all dictate that we too must cut back when it comes to refunding moneys,” said Shirley Turnip of the IRS.
Persons interested in receiving the food should fill out one of the Ribs Instead of Refunds forms available right next to Selective Service questionnaires at local post offices. Respondents must clearly state whether they prefer sauce or dry-cooked ribs and also how they like them done.
“Once we get the fire going it will be too late for substitutions,” said Turnip.
Meanwhile the IRS has filed a final decision as to the status of sun worshipers residing in this country saying that since the practice is not recognized as a legitimate religion and therefore these parties must file taxes in accordance with the existing laws.
“Beware of the man whose God is in the skies.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Psyched Out
with Doctor Edwin Whom, Phd.
Regional Hatred Healthy
Although it gets a lot of bad press regional hostility can be quite productive. For one thing it defines a common enemy and allows for families and villages to pull together without a lot of petty bickering among the leaders and a lot of distrust of neighbors on a daily basis. A tranquil village is a happy village and all without therapeutic drugs.
Regional hatred also promotes the creation of many functional cells of ex-patriots in places like Paris and New York. Without bigotry and anger many of these people might be stuck in their crummy villages without the slightest chance to see the world. It is in this way that the defeated culture can export its thoughts and philosophies while keeping the lid on things back home.
Perhaps the most important advantage to be gained from the ethnic and racial hatred is in the field of culinary art. Clannish and ethnic elitism is partly responsible for most of the regional cuisines in a place like China, for instance. How do you think the distinction between Hunan and Szechwan came about? What about Italian food or Soul Food?
This is not to imply that ethnic hostilities always result in better groceries. Despite all the problems they have created over the years the British, somehow, were not blessed with a cuisines of their own, so they stole one from the Irish.
Another benefit of regional hatred comes in the form of a boon to the flag business. The more different warring factions in the field the more flags are sold. In 1992 alone some 13,000 flags in
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THE RAZOR’S EDGE:
A short history of shaving in honor of
NATIONAL STUBBLE AWARENESS MONTH
Stubble in the form of whiskers has been with us almost since the invention of the face. As cultures have changed throughout history, so have people’s attitudes toward whiskers. The early people of the Fertile Crescent wore their facial hair proudly. Artifacts have been uncovered that show a proud Sumerian man with his beard adorned with oil and chicken bones and bits of parsley, although some scholars suggest that these findings merely show how sloppy ancient eaters could be.
An early legend tells of a man with his beard decorated with many bits of bread. The story says that, even though this was very attractive to ancient females, the man had a perplexing problem of birds swooping constantly upon his beard. This so annoyed
him that he took to pulling large chunks of his beard out until the clean-shaven look was born, although most men today would not consider pulling out hair by chunks to be, technically, shaving.
Actual shaving was done some years later with pottery shards. Many archeological digs reveal literally truckloads of pottery shards. For years archeologists thought these were bits of broken ceramic vessels, but now many believe these shards to be, not broken bits, but original shaving tools. Some of the shards even say, “bic” on the back.
As shaving evolved, new and better tools came along. Finally, a sharpened razor blade with a handle was invented by a Greek inventor named Idios. Idios also invented an electric razor, but electricity was unfortunately not available for 2200 more years. But the razor blade was plenty exciting enough for people used to using pottery shards.
In fact, shaving got to be such a joy that even woman and children got into the act. Thus up until this century children were sometimes affectionately called “little shavers.”
Today stubble removal is easier than ever. Still it requires time and daily attention. If a man spends 3-5 minutes every day shaving then over the course of his lifetime this could add up to hundreds of years. Little wonder then that many men prefer to let at least some of their facial hair grow, the hair above their top lip, or on their chin, or all the hair on the left side of their face for example.
So then what of the future of shaving? Some analysts forecast a time in the near future when men can get a shave over the internet. A technology institute in Germany is currently experimenting with a hat that projects a holographic image over the wearer’s face so that he appears to be clean- shaven at all times. Holograms, on-line shaving, who knows what’s in store? Call me old fashioned, but whatever science dreams up I think I’ll still be getting my shave with a good old pottery shard.
Behavior Mod Working on Highways
Western Slope police departments have been taking a new approach to the enforcement of traffic laws this summer. They call the program Positive Response Reaction Pacification but it’s really only simple behavior modification. It works like this:
A police officer observes a driver roaring through a school zone at 50 mph. The driver then runs a red light, makes an illegal U-turn, tears through an inhabited crosswalk and comes to a screeching stop in his front yard just inches away from a large elm tree. Does the officer pursue this reckless criminal and make an arrest? The answer is “No.” A second scenario goes like this.
The same officer observes a delivery vehicle proceeding at the allotted speed limit, signaling when appropriate, driving defensively and politely. He hits the flashing red light on the patrol car and swings into action.
Overtaking the delivery truck the officer vaults from the car and approaches the vehicle.
“Good morning, sir,” smiles the policeman. “I just stopped you to tell you that you are doing a fine job operating this rig. We appreciate safe, considerate drivers like yourself on our highways. Here i s a ticket for $25. Just send it in to the circuit court and they’ll send you a check.”
This shockingly innovative program has been in effect since April 1 and has cut the average officer’s work load by as much as 50%. Already it has lowered stress and complication due to messy fines and imprisonment.
“By rewarding positive behavior and ignoring the negative, we hope to educate the public and bring about a profound change in driver mentality throughout the country,” said Juan Concerto, one of the creators of the program. “Already we see sober motorists following squad cars around trying to catch the eye of the patrolman.”
Suspicious vehicles will still be stopped, according to Concerto, but “the PRRP Program is a step in the right direction,” he winked.
-Pepper Salte
Over-grazing by tourists threatens quality of life
If bomb-wielding anarchists get their way it could be mandatory for out-of-state tourists to possess visas and pass basic intelligence tests as effort to jury visitors in 2027 gets lift in Colorado House.
Other subjects undressed in this week’s forum include proposals to limit credit card use by rewarding tourists for using cash, road blocks and detours and municipal user fees not exceeding 25% of expenditures.
“We want to attract the right kind of visitors. We don’t call them tourists, a term with bad associations that we deem offensive. If the current traffic continues we will have nothing to offer the thinking traveler and our home will become a wasteland for everyone.
In a what is seen as a particularly desperate move, one elected official suggested offering all expense paid trips to Disneyland for those who cooperate with the new limitations while waiting for their invitations to Colorado.
“We don’t want to kill the golden goose, we just want to limit the size of the eggs she lays,” said one rational voice.
“We’re in this world as tenants. The only thing we take with us is our good deeds.” – Yiddish saying
