All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
Green thumbs labeled anarchists
(Olathe) Persons with green thumbs tend to be anarchists warns Senator Oral Noise of the Liberal Fascist Party. He says statistics collected over the past decade indicate that people who grow gardens are less likely to go along with the flow and often strike out their own path.
“We can’t have that,” says Noise.
Tendencies within this wide range of the population generally indicate a lack of dependency on institutions and a desire to be self-sufficient. As one green thumb advocate puts it: “A man with an acre in corn and cucumbers is less likely to sign up for food stamps.”
Noise who supports a proposal limiting the size of family gardens says many green thumb horticulturists are growing marijuana and guilty of tax evasion to boot.
Some of them will sell a bag of butter beans for up to $2 and not pay a lick of tax,” he growled.
Noise favors a plan that would set up a chain of corporate collective farms where the gov’ment could keep a closer eye on planting and production.
In a related development the Montrose City Council failed to agree on request that developers must grow gardens when they destroy former pastureland to build subdivisions. The mandatory proposal, a brainchild of the local Organic Communist Party, calls for roughly one acre of green garden for each block of houses.
“We already name our streets after local environmentalists and county commissioners,” said one developer. “Isn’t that enough?”
Cutoff Looms on Celebrity Apps
(Telluride) The final deadline for Western Colorado residents to apply for documented celebrity posture (DCP) has been pushed back to November 15 according to persons familiar with the annual event.
Persons who might believe they are worthy of such status must complete all forms, some quite tedious and challenging, to be considered for the final awards sometime in December for 2026 honors. A one-year reign as a celebrity kahunas or VIPs.
Finalists must present clear evidence that they would conduct themselves properly so as to reflect a perfect fit in the royal dominion.
“It’s a winner-take-all proposition with no half-way celebrities and no wait-until-next-year whining,” said Royal Sashe, founding member of DCP. “Losers go home. Winners get a year as a full- blown celebrity.
“Many will go on to lead happy lives while some will be driven mad by what they see as vindictive favoritism and a blatant obsession with ugly curtain-call tribalism and bloody backstage vendettas,” she choked.
Malcontents and others who have no prayer of ever becoming a celebrity say the competition is rigged. Some say no one deserves megastar notoriety while adversaries contend that they are fools saying that everyone on the planet is a celebrity in the prestigious sense of the word itself.
Bean counters warn that there are already an overabundance of celebrities in the region, accented by thousands more hoping to ascend to that luminary recognition. They further asserted that no cash prize would be included in the committee’s unquestioned integrity and unwavering rectitude.
– Gabby Haze
Warning to all local bear
Please…if you insist on prowling our golf course at night looking for scraps STAY OFF THE GREENS. There is plenty of rough on which to roam. There is no food on the greens! It is all in the handy dumpsters near the restaurant. Do not bother the golfers. They do not have anything for you either. The porta potties are not for you. Entering one will result with you getting stuck and us calling local mountaiin rescue on our dime. We are tired of cleaning up after you. Leave the Canadian geese alone. No fishing along th Gunnison or Tomichi. The season is short and a little cooperation goes a long way. If you do not comply with what we feel are reasonable requests you will not be invited back next year!
– Dos Rios Golf Course Management
Bake sale to fund snow removal
(Silverton) A Memorial Day bake sale to help pay for snow removal will be conducted outside the American Legion building in Silverton. Specializing in pastries that go down well with domestic beers the organizers of the event hope to raise $1.6 million but will settle for $300. Afterwards all interested participants will travel by train to Durango for a week-long naughty hay ride and forced sing-along. It all starts at 7 am rain or shine.
Cleanup of Nude Beaches Set For Weekend
(Blue Mesa) The annual spring cleanup of the region’s nude beaches will be held this Saturday morning. Persons wishing to participate are asked to bring lawn tools, plastic bags and a good attitude. It is projected that over 400 volunteers will be needed to do the job.
We expect that the cleanup will be completed prior to the summer tourist season including a quick makeover before hunting season so as to prevent unfortunate, although minimal, incidents of the past. These two distinct groups do not interface well and, in the landmark case Elmer vs Tarzan, a hunter allegedly mistook a nude bather for an elk and fired away. Fortunately he was a bad shot and the volatile episode passed peacefully.
“The kind of rough and ready nudists that visit these often frigid shores are in search of solitude, peace and a natural state of affairs,” said Syd Skynn, proprietor of Syd’s Sun Screen Ventures located at Chicken Bay. “Besides, they’re very picky about cleanliness and grooming.”
Nudists, often perceived as minimalists, still leave a footprint. In their efforts to embrace the natural life they are generally respectful and tidy.
Experts project that nude bathers will spend in excess of 4.3 million dollars on the Western Slope this summer which is three times more than the combined sum spent by RV enthusiasts and mushroom hunters last season.
“We seek to keep the lid on here in thermal paradise,” said Skynn. Coexistence is the key and seasonal priorities have to be appreciated.”
Volunteers are asked to arrive by 8 am. Participants may bring brooms and buckets but not vacuum cleaners since the sand plays havoc with the workings of the otherwise functional tools and they are quickly plugged up. Plastic bags will be provided. A light lunch will be served after the sanitization.
Nude beaches have been legal in Colorado since 1900. For a map of the nearest natural cove or bare bay stop at the local chamber of comments.
“With a little elbow grease, polish and some disinfectant we will be ready for increased summer traffic,” added Skynn. If we all work together we’ll continue have the best nude beaches in the nation.”
-Dusty Pearl
MONTROSE CALENDAR
Con Artist Exhibit Set for July
The recent work of local con artists will be on display at the Montrose Ditch Rider’s annex through July 15 according to organizers of the event. Along with acknowledged masterpieces from the past decade, tools of the trade from aluminum siding scams to “too good to be true” telephone offers are featured. Although the controversial show has drawn slim crowds up to the present, promoters say the information herein is valuable and may prevent consumer fraud scams in the future.
“The artwork of these felons is really quite creative in its own right,” said Paula Chicane, a semi-rehabilitated savings and loan officer. “We expect a more substantial response with the inclusion of the Colorado River water sale exhibit over the weekend.”
Chicane reminded would-be victims of shady dealings that personal greed is a key element to all underhanded ventures.
“In most cases you still can’t cheat an honest man,” she said.
122nd Annual Chicken or Egg Seminar
Forces representing both sides of the age old question will once again meet to attempt to iron out differences on July 24 at the Henny Penny Pavilion here. Featured speakers include former Pentagon official Humpty Dumpty, Michael Tyson and the third cousin of the late Colonel Sanders. No ducks will be admitted during rituals. Readings from The Egg and I will be presented intermittently throughout the day. Culinary demonstrations focusing on the separation of whites and yellows will terminate with the beginning of preliminary fist fights in the parking lot.
How to Get More Out of Your Employees
The local Office of Perpetual Education will sponsor the next phase of its popular Business for the 21st Century on Tuesday nights through December. The impetus of this month’s conference centers on getting more out of your employees, hosted by members of a crack Walmart traveling management team. Off-the-clock Walmart employees will be on hand with coffee and donuts. It all starts at eight sharp with doors locked until at least ten. Local businessmen and others with a keen interest in manipulating underachievers are invited.
GET TO KNOW THE INS NIGHT
All illegal immigrants are invited to the first annual Get To Know Your Immigration and Customs Enforcement, formerly the Immigration and Naturalization Service, slated for July 31 at 7 pm. While the politicians talk about legalization and recognition of this burgeoning section of the population INS officers will get down to the business of handing out temporary Green Cards and gift baskets for the needy. Then ICE will confiscate the materials as contraband. Maps of the Sonoran Desert and recommended Mexican restaurants in the US will be handed out as part of the innovative Have a Heart Program sponsored by unnamed local missions.
Fried Food Channel Kicks Off Service
Consumers interested in subscribing to the new Fried Food Channel on cable are reminded to attend a Kick-off Luncheon on Thursday 11 am August 20 at the Sunnyside Executive Suites. In addition to acquiring necessary technology to receive the signal, an assortment of fried foods will be available. Note: Persons with the Lifelike Aroma Module already built-in to their television sets should show up at noon effectively skipping the introductory song and dance. The first 100 subscribers will receive a leftover Naughty Easter Basket compliments of Muscle Clover’s.
