RSSAll Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Horseshoe Will Check Emotional Baggage

(Gunnison) In keeping with regulations set down by the Homestand Security Agency the San Juan Horseshoe will check the emotional baggage of all readers at the time of boarding. The procedure, much like that at the airport, is particularly interested in bombs, drugs and small pets but will also be looking for people smuggling cynicism into the paper as well.

Indications that potential readers harbor ill will toward security charades will be reported to the authorities immediately while any uncooperative attitude such as whispering, laughing at security personnel or negative body language will likewise be noted. 

“We are particularly offended by persons rolling their eyes in response to questioning and chewing gum while in line,” said General Kashmir Horseshoe, publisher of the paper. “Last month we discovered the late Saddam Hussein’s mustache attempting to sneak onto page 4. As it turned out the thing was in search of political amnesty but the very thought of terrorist activity sent shivers down our spineless accounting department.”

Readers accustomed to easy access to the website will be inconvenienced with the boarding times lengthened by only a few minutes. Persons who fight the system will be detained in small rooms without windows and very likely denied entry altogether.

“We don’t care if you have a ticket and have never committed a felony,” continued Horseshoe. “As far as we’re concerned you are all potential terrorists and have no rights. The very fact that you might be reading is an indication that you do not support the efforts of the Television Administration and should be deported.”

The paper will reportedly hire some 10,000 security people to man various departments where subversive element may attempt to gain entry. Subscription and advertising costs are expected to skyrocket but as Horseshoe says, “Unlike the gov’ment we cannot operate within a deficit spending mode. The new expenses are bad enough but what’s worse is going through all those suitcases. Our people aren’t trained for that sort of thing.”  

– Fred Zeppelin

Workers Could be Housed at Wal-Mart

(Gunnison) In an attempt to relieve conflicts associated with a potential Big Box retailer invasion, Wal-Mart today offered to provide affordable housing to the region’s low-income residents. These persons, who could qualify for the cheap housing, are estimated to be about 15% of the population. Most are engaged in daily labor in an attempt to make ends meet in this otherwise affluent region.

Although the cloudy gesture appears to be another calculated attempt to wear down the opposition, Wal-Mart officials insist they are sincere in their efforts to provide human services for the needy. The massive merchandiser, which boasts a larger GNP than half the nations on the planet, allegedly plans to construct a Super Store north of town in the near future.

One thorn in the side of planners is the likely presence of the empty facility which now dominates the North Main skyline. City and county sources agree that vacated commercial spaces are bad for a town’s image and often scare away potential investors.

“We can tolerate the closures of a few small businesses downtown but when a large structure like a Wal-Mart sits empty it reflects poorly on the entire community. Imagine if City Market just pulled up and left a derelict facility in its wake. The results could be catastrophic!”

Wal-Mart bosses insist that no plans have been finalized for the construction of a new store but many say privately that it’s all just a matter of time.

“We’ve dealt with objections before…all over the country,” said a spokesman from the company’s corporate offices in Bentonville. “Some are well organized, some are even militant but sooner of later we get our way. Sure, we’ve decided not to go into an area due to organized opposition but generally that is dictated by simple profit and loss potential.”

The well-timed gesture of creating affordable housing could win the support of fence sitters here as well as provide the merchandiser with much needed tax breaks to go along with tax incentives already in place.

“We are exploring the possibility of condoizing our current location to provide living space for over 400 families,” said the source. “In a perfect world they would all be employees and never have to leave the premises, but we expect that others would be welcome too. Right now the project appears insurmountable but it’s amazing what a little paint and some curtains can do,” she added.

After lengthy discussion it remained unclear whether building codes and multiple family use restrictions would be affected by the plan. In addition, further considerations as to cooking facilities, proper ventilation and the effects of artificial light could send the proposition back to the drawing board before it has time to get off the ground.

“None of these preliminary maneuvers represent anything close to a done deal,” said the Wal-Mart spokesman, “but with all that asphalt out front at least parking won’t be a problem.”

– Suzie Compost        

Just throw out a seed in Colombia...

Just throw out a seed in Colombia…

…and the next morning you might just have a tree growing

BATHROOMS MORE DANGEROUS THAN SLOPES

(Crested Butte) The average American is far more likely to injure himself in the bathroom than on the ski slopes according to a recently completed study by Colorado Ski and Snowboard Country. Questionable statistics, presumably manufactured by the industry, clearly indicate that people are at far greater risk engaged in normal daily functions than they might be screeching down a double diamond.

“While in the common bathroom one has to contend with a sink, a tub, a commode, possibly throw rugs, rogue towel racks, conspiratorial shower curtains, sharp-edged toilet paper dispensers, open windows, ceiling fans, insidious doors, cheap wallpaper, protruding walls and unstable medicine cabinets,” said Zorro DesPlants, a spokesman for the recreation interest. 

“Also, one must consider that the average human in the using the bathroom may have only recently arisen from his slumber and is vulnerable to a host of potential accidents. Others are under pressure or in a hurry. Some are simply stupid when it comes to functioning amid advanced technology.”

In response, the Armenian Plumbers Union, Ed’s Bubble Bath International, the Western Shampoo Growers, Mom’s Linens and Towels Ltd., the American Tile Manufacturers and an assortment of air freshener concerns has filed a protest with the state attorney general saying that the ski people have made up the entire comparison so as to scare people.

“Sure, we know the bathroom can be a frightening place but if people just take necessary precautions the entire exposure has every chance in the world of resulting in a positive experience,” she said. “Helmets, seat belts and air bags, while a pipe dream a few years back, are now employed by many in the little room down the hall. I myself,” she explained, “enjoy an immeasurable degree of security by the inclusion of a large caliber pistol in my constitutional entourage.” 

 

Tambien de este lado hay suenos (On this side there are dreams) Graffiti in Nogales, Mexico

– from American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins

COLONA ABANDONS NATO DIALOGUE

20 Years Ago in the Horseshoe

Four point plan unveiled

(Montrose) Angry with what it calls bungling and insensitivity in the Balkans the powerful city state of Colona has pulled its ambassador from Washington and sent an angry letter to the United Nations.

Early on the Colonese supported the NATO response to aggression on the part of the Serbian armed forces but now, according to one very high official “the NATO bombing has only served to escalate the conflict, creating more refugees and general chaos in the region”.

Sources here suggest that there is little a small nation can do when surrounded by a larger one.

“Our policy is to mind our own business and deal with the problems within our geo-political borders,” said a second spokesperson, “and we strongly urge the United States to do the same.”

In an official announcement this morning the Colonese have released a four point plan for the reconciliation of what has been a close relationship to the US in the past:

“First: We have unilaterally disagreed with U.S. foreign policy since right after the War of 1812 and only kept quiet due to diplomatic considerations and for fear of reprisals. Second: The arrogance displayed by the Clinton White House is disturbing in that no one has bothered to return our phone calls since March 24 when the bombing began. Third: Serbian-Americans make up 45% of the Colonese population according to the 1990 census. Fourth: Bombing other countries is mean.”

Colona has reinforced its borders with the United States in apprehension of a less than friendly response. Other regional capitals such as Cahone and Wyoming have expresses support for the Colonese and plan to send humanitarian aid and hay to get the population through until the first harvest in July.

“I got up in the middle of the night and ran down to the pay phone at the Colona Store to call the White House,” said Melvin Toole, ex-fireman turned irrigation engineer. “The least they could have done is returned my call. Sometimes a simple response can keep these situations from going public.”

The Colona House will meet later this afternoon to discuss the reinstitution of conscription and the construction of trenches from Billy Creek to Happy Canyon.

– Kashmir Horseshoe     

US Poised to Claim Gold Medal in Prisoner Ratio

“We must continue to insure that our poor school districts continue to descend into the shoddy and inferior. Otherwise how can we be expected to maintain our prisons at full capacity?” – Arlene “Big” Heart, (Whig-Suburbs) “Sure, our schools suck but we’re firmly in first place again with impressive incarceration numbers. This is the Olympics of Education and we are competitive once again.”

Half of the world’s prison population of about nine million is held in the US, China or Russia.

Country

Prison population

Population per 100,000

US

2,193,798

737

CHINA

1,548,498

118

RUSSIA

874,161

615

BRAZIL

371,482

193