All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
26 Lanes on Highway 550
Division of Transportation Projections are calling for 26 new lanes from Montrose to Placerville. 24 lanes will be designated for southbound traffic in the morning and 24 will be used exclusively for northbound traffic in the afternoon. The work should be completed by Christmas Eve according to someone’s projections, and “not hamper” motorists as it has for the tourist season.
Thousands Trapped Inside TVs
(Gladstone, CO — Cultural Wastelands Press)Thousands, perhaps more of your favorite broadcast icons are being held prisoner inside television sets it was disclosed this morning. Actors, news anchors, game show entourages, afternoon soap stars, weight-loss gurus and cartoons, held against their will inside the boxes and flat screens are half-starved, deprived of sleep and routinely beaten by media Nazis on both sides of the political spectrum.
“This has little to do with applied politics. It’s more about bondage…bondage and control,” said Edwin Paar, who escaped the clutches of black and white television on the streets of Hollywood in 1956. Paar and others who have returned from depths of a seedy and decadent Television Land tell others of the awful fate that awaits chronic viewers to this day.
“How do you think they get all those fat people onto a flat screen?” asked Paar. “Is something wrong here?”
On-screen slavery followed by internment is more than most can handle. Snippets of information released by sadistic guards, aimed at tormenting already traumatized family members, have indicated that many of the incarcerated do not survive the Spartan lifestyle, expire, and have to be dumped out of the back of the television set in the dark of night.
“The world of bright lights and fantasy seduced them in the first place and now they get a heavy diet of what they thought they were searching for,” quipped Paar, himself a former talk show host who retired before the medium became a monster.
It is feared that many in a position to alleviate the problem are hesitant to take on the powerful television lobby. Several polled insist that a recue would throw the fragile communications grid into a tailspin, one that it may not allow for recovery.
“We think a lot of these personalities, hacks and front men who have gotten themselves into this mess should get themselves out of it,” quacked Paar. “Besides the terrorists (Can we not call them terrorists?) will certainly shoot the hostages if we attempt a archetypal military assault, whatever that is.”
Authorities had considered stepping in when a series of short films surfaced on Who Tube showing talking heads without legs and a network climatologist forced to make meaningless, sweeping hand gestures far into the night.
Anyone who would like to help these poor unfortunates out of the television sets can send funds to Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. Cash only. No pledges.
– “Shroom DelFisher
Olathe Celebrates Hay Pride Week
Despite threats of a blowback boycott on sweet corn and yellow onions next fall, the town of Olathe is going ahead with a scheduled Hay Pride Week it was announced today. Hay from all over North America will be displayed as the town rolls out the red carpet for the tenth time in eleven years.
“The only year we missed was 1985 when Ronald Reagan sent our entire crop to the Russians for pancake mix,” said one hayseed and Hay Pride advocate. “In exchange we got subsidized and ended up with a couple hundred cases of Russian vodka. Now them’s some corn squeezins to be sure,” he coughed. “That kept the whole town toasted for most of the winter.”
Although no schedule has been released, the event will feature bale tossing, wagon races, a pancake supper and a special appearance by Helen or Gabby Hayes impersonators. As darkness falls a free hayride will be offered for kids under 90 and several local residents will be inducted into the Irrigator’s Hall of Fame located over at Pea Green.
The celebration will then continue through the next day with yet another pancake feast (this one with sausages) and a noon concert by Hazel and the Haymakers all the way from Delta. The festivities will then culminate with a candlelight parade through local haystacks in which VIP participants again consume vast quantities of pancakes and wash them down with (aforementioned) chilled Russian vodka.
Federal agents will attend to see that no illegal herbage is mixed in with the grass, clover and alfalfa common to the local fodder.
-H.L. Menoken
Aliens Must Make Reservations
(Mars) Extraterrestrials wishing to visit the planet earth during peak summer months must make reservations at least two months in advance so as to secure transport and accommodation, according to experts in the travel industry. Due to the rising popularity of earth as a destination resort for many space creatures, seats are at a premium and agendas must be adjusted to handle the impact, especially in July and August.
“The average cost of two weeks in the mountains or at the ocean has risen sharply along with the development of sophisticated spacecraft and more leisure time throughout the galaxy,” explained Okra Sinfree, well-known host of a syndicated travel program on television. “Beings living on some of the wealthy, more progressive stars get five weeks paid vacation per year while workers on Stellar 17 and the well-heeled Epicurean Constellation can chalk up more than two months leave after just one year of servitude.”
Aliens are said to prefer travel to the United States due to a well-documented romance with the cowboy and Indians culture, an obsession with minor league baseball and a love for the wide open spaces. Even with higher costs and the strength of the dollar many prefer the US to Europe in the summer months.
Intergalactic currency measures up well against both the dollar and the euro and, since most aliens seek access to the highlights of the planet they may spend one day in Venice and the next in the Grand Canyon. Perennial favorites like the Eiffel Tower and Disneyland remain big favorites with families whole New York and Paris stand alone in overall popularity.
“Increased access to earth has created a flood of visitors but has severely taxed the infrastructure with car rental agencies, hotels and restaurants mobbed and airports in a constant state of chaos,” said the travel source. “Fortunately most of our visitors from other planets celebrate the weekend over Tuesday and Wednesday or we’d never be able to absorb the increase in traffic.”
Residents of earth have been asked to stay clear of high congestion areas and avoid driving in sensitive regions this summer so as to properly welcome the interplanetary tourists, who spend an estimated 4 billion dollars each summer in Colorado alone. A spokesman for the Department of Homeland Scrutiny said that although most of these visitors resent having to remove their shoes at security gates all is going well.
“We’ve had a few confrontations with a few drunken Klingons on their way to Mexico but for the most part everyone has been quite cooperative,” said the travel industry spokesperson. “All those scary movies about the invasion and subjugation of earth by outside forces with lasers and rocket ships seems to be on the back burner these days. Body snatching and biological experiments have been replaced with tour buses and souvenir hunters. We expect that most earthlings will welcome this new breed of tourist even though they do look pretty funny in Bermudas and knee socks.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Surviving the Summer
Tips for insects
with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.
Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.
First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him. It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?
There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us. 2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.
From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.
Some insects, like flies give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.
In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient must insects leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet.
Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: “Accelerated growth in spring –
watching them die in the fall.” Don’t miss it!
IN A NUTSHELL:
Humans are methodically attempting to get rid of us. Millions are spent on research (see above), chemical weapons and repellents. Attention to detail and familiarity with the tools of thine enemy can make all the difference this summer.
GARDENING EDITOR WOUNDED IN KNIFE FIGHT
(Gunnison) prominent gardening voice in the Gunnison Valley is recovering from a pointed altercation suffered outside of a local nursery yesterday. According to police, Melvin Toole will survive the injuries although he is having trouble holding water at present.
The fight reportedly precipitated over the definition of perennial and in no time had exploded into violence as threats were realized and knives were brandished.
The assailant, a 93-year-old Gunnison grandmother identified as Mabel Singleton, allegedly rushed the unsuspecting Toole as he fondled a tomato plant, stabbing him repeatedly. Singleton, a retired botanist, once employed by the Pentagon, said she could not tolerate Toole’s condescending attitude toward the philodendrons. She is being held at the Alamo/Pizza Mountain Mental Health Clinic for psychiatric observation. If convicted she could face pruning and lifetime banishment from gardening operations in the Tomichi Sector.
In a related piece, the same newspaper’s obituary editor, Rocky Flats, dropped dead just after deadline on Friday. Flats has only recently won the Mormon Lottery. His winnings will be split up between his ex-wife, Frieda, a Paraguayan traffic cop and his brother Red who once raised giant shrimp near Parlin.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“Good Lord! I almost slept through cocktail hour.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe, on the pros and cons of the daily siesta in South America
