All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
MALE DOGS LIE SAYS STUDY
(Curville, CA) Old dogs do engage in new tricks if data collected at Cal Amari University is to be believed. According to a just completed study male dogs are consummate, if not refined, liars.
Ninety percent of the canines observed attempted to lure female dogs into promiscuity by pretending to have food. The liars exuded or secreted a specific aroma that often convinced female dogs that the male knew where to get food or had food stashed. The results of the isolated tests have gone a long way toward convincing animal behaviorists that dogs are far more intelligent that had been supposed and gives further credence to the concept of letting a sleeping dog lie.
“It’s the same with male humans,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Cal Amari. “How do you think all those marginal restaurants stay in business?”
Pennywhistle, recently fired from his position as Head Wienerwurst at nearby Frankfurter Community College, insisted the data collected is relevant. He says secondary findings prove that cats have been lying to their keepers since the days of the Egyptians.
“That,” he smiled, “should come as a surprise to no one.”
– Sterling Bidet
WAITING FOR COUSTEAU
A rural harbor. A pier
Evening.
Estragon, sitting on the beach, is trying to take off his flippers and catch a fish with a spear. He pulls the flippers with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before. Enter Vladimir.
Estragon: (Giving up again) Nothing to be caught.
Vladimir: (advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart)
I’m beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life I’ve tried to put it from me, saying, Vladimir, be reasonable, there are other fish to fry. And I resume the struggle. (He broods, musing on the struggle. Turns to Estragon.) So there you are again with a line in the water.
Estragon: Am I?
Vladamir: I’m glad to see you back. I thought you had gone fishing on that boat forever.
Estragon: Me too.
Vladimir: Together again at last. We’ll have to celebrate with a fish fry. I have French wine. But how will we catch such? (He reflects) Get up till I embrace you.
Estragon (irritably) Not now. Not now. I think I have a bite.
Vladimir: (hurt, coldly) May I inquire where His Highness spent the night?
Estragon: On the boat.
Vladimir: (admiringly) A boat! Where?
Estragon: (without gesture) Over there.
Vladimir: And they didn’t make you clean fish?
Estragon: Clean fish? Certainly I cleaned fish.
Vladimir: The same lot as usual?
Estragon: The same? I don’t know.
Vladimir: When I think of it…all these years…but for me…where would you be…(Decisively) You’d be nothing more than carp bait, a little heap of bones at the present minute, no doubt about it.
Estragon: And what of it?
Vladimir: (gloomily) It’s too much for one fisherman. (Pause. Cheerfully) On the other hand what’s the good of losing your catch now, that’s what I say. We should have thought of a net a million years ago, in the nineties when the whales still roamed.
Estragon: Ah stop blathering and help me pull this bloody one in. We’re going to be in an underwater film.
Vladimir: Hand in hand from the top of the Eiffel Tower, among the first. We were respectable anglers in those days. Now it’s too late. They wouldn’t even let us throw out a line. (Estragon tears at the flippers) What are you doing?
Estragon: Taking off my oxygen tank. Did that ever happen to you?
Vladimir: Diving equipment must be taken off each day, I’m tired telling you that. Why don’t you listen to me?
Estragon: (feebly) Help me!
Vladimir: It hurts?
Estragon: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts! A spear hurts!
Vladimir: (angrily) No one ever suffers but you. I don’t count. I’d like to hear what you’d say if you were bitten by a barracuda!
Estragon: It hurts?
Vladimir: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!
Estragon: (pointing) You might button it all the same.
Vladimir: (stooping) True. (He buttons his fly.) Never neglect the little things of life.
Estragon: What do you expect, you always wait until the last moment to set the hook.
Vladimir: Well? Shall we go?
Estragon: Yes, let’s go
They do not move.
Continued next month
Green thumbs labeled anarchists
(Olathe) Persons with green thumbs tend to be anarchists warns Senator Oral Noise of the Liberal Fascist Party. He says statistics collected over the past decade indicate that people who grow gardens are less likely to go along with the flow and often strike out their own path.
“We can’t have that,” says Noise.
Tendencies within this wide range of the population generally indicate a lack of dependency on institutions and a desire to be self-sufficient. As one green thumb advocate puts it: “A man with an acre in corn and cucumbers is less likely to sign up for food stamps.”
Noise who supports a proposal limiting the size of family gardens says many green thumb horticulturists are growing marijuana and guilty of tax evasion to boot.
Some of them will sell a bag of butter beans for up to $2 and not pay a lick of tax,” he growled.
Noise favors a plan that would set up a chain of corporate collective farms where the gov’ment could keep a closer eye on planting and production.
In a related development the Montrose City Council failed to agree on request that developers must grow gardens when they destroy former pastureland to build subdivisions. The mandatory proposal, a brainchild of the local Organic Communist Party, calls for roughly one acre of green garden for each block of houses.
“We already name our streets after local environmentalists and county commissioners,” said one developer. “Isn’t that enough?”
Cutoff Looms on Celebrity Apps
(Telluride) The final deadline for Western Colorado residents to apply for documented celebrity posture (DCP) has been pushed back to November 15 according to persons familiar with the annual event.
Persons who might believe they are worthy of such status must complete all forms, some quite tedious and challenging, to be considered for the final awards sometime in December for 2026 honors. A one-year reign as a celebrity kahunas or VIPs.
Finalists must present clear evidence that they would conduct themselves properly so as to reflect a perfect fit in the royal dominion.
“It’s a winner-take-all proposition with no half-way celebrities and no wait-until-next-year whining,” said Royal Sashe, founding member of DCP. “Losers go home. Winners get a year as a full- blown celebrity.
“Many will go on to lead happy lives while some will be driven mad by what they see as vindictive favoritism and a blatant obsession with ugly curtain-call tribalism and bloody backstage vendettas,” she choked.
Malcontents and others who have no prayer of ever becoming a celebrity say the competition is rigged. Some say no one deserves megastar notoriety while adversaries contend that they are fools saying that everyone on the planet is a celebrity in the prestigious sense of the word itself.
Bean counters warn that there are already an overabundance of celebrities in the region, accented by thousands more hoping to ascend to that luminary recognition. They further asserted that no cash prize would be included in the committee’s unquestioned integrity and unwavering rectitude.
– Gabby Haze
Warning to all local bear
Please…if you insist on prowling our golf course at night looking for scraps STAY OFF THE GREENS. There is plenty of rough on which to roam. There is no food on the greens! It is all in the handy dumpsters near the restaurant. Do not bother the golfers. They do not have anything for you either. The porta potties are not for you. Entering one will result with you getting stuck and us calling local mountaiin rescue on our dime. We are tired of cleaning up after you. Leave the Canadian geese alone. No fishing along th Gunnison or Tomichi. The season is short and a little cooperation goes a long way. If you do not comply with what we feel are reasonable requests you will not be invited back next year!
– Dos Rios Golf Course Management
Bake sale to fund snow removal
(Silverton) A Memorial Day bake sale to help pay for snow removal will be conducted outside the American Legion building in Silverton. Specializing in pastries that go down well with domestic beers the organizers of the event hope to raise $1.6 million but will settle for $300. Afterwards all interested participants will travel by train to Durango for a week-long naughty hay ride and forced sing-along. It all starts at 7 am rain or shine.
