All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Fudd Lite Commercial Shot in Colona

Colona awarded $300 from Fudd-Lite after holding out for $400 and no blue paint..They ensuing idiot-themed commercial was in the can in 20 minutes. That’s all. Bye now. The real Colorado bud commercial comes in October. It is expected to be anything but light.

(Photo by MJ Martin and Mel Brooks)

Local Rock Star Takes Life

Golden record and Grammy Award winner Newt Guitar Jepson was found dead yesterday backstage in the Imperial Ballroom of the Paonia Sheridan Love Hotel, apparently a victim of his own hand.

Jepson, who had recently been dating the 17-year-old daughter of Sheriff Gunsil Linger, had stabbed himself in the back three times and then shot himself in the head and through the heart, according to County Coroner I.B. Cuttenger. The coroner then concluded that Jepson must have disposed of the weapons since none were found at the scene of the suicide.

Jepson’s career epitomized a virtual rocket to stardom after the release of his first recording “You Can Take My Love and Shove It Up Your Heart”. From there it was CD after CD followed by a world tour of Texas and Oklahoma. Just two days before the tragedy he had agreed to appear on Stairway to the Galaxies in downtown Grand Junction.

It was rumored that Jepson was heavily into the drug scene, but this was never proven. Although he was arrested over 600 times for various narcotic binges, he was never convicted.

“All one has to do is listen to the lyrics and it’s clear he liked meth, coke and an assorted entourage of downers,” said an unreliable source in Paonia.

Newt is survived by his wife Ima and his legitimate son Newt Jr., as well as 87 other alleged offspring, 24 of which are represented in local paternity suits.                                                                        – Tommy Middlefinger

Meat Street

Meat Avenue in Ridgway, in a good neighborhood to be sure.

Continental Divide Missing

(Denver) The Continental Divide, a high stretch of rocky earth that runs from Alaska to Tierra del Fuego, was not on the job this morning. Authorities have no clues as to the disappearance and have not established if the Divide had gone astray or if fowl play was involved.
Geologists looking visibly upset say an absence of any type is not normal for the geographic phenomenon that has occupied the same space since way before the cows came home. Unknown nuts may have pruned the famous landmark, steeped in yards of corn snow, for unknown raisins, say police who were none to quick to draw conclusions.
Behaviorists familiar with metamorphic rock have been called in to assist in the now massive search. They say local geologists knew about “problems” as early as last year but failed to come forward out of professional embarrassment.
“There are plenty of unemployed geologists out there,” said an investigating officer. “I guess they didn’t want to add to that number by admitting faults.”
Service clubs and civic groups have joined the hunt hoping to locate the missing icon before summer tourist season in 2015.
“Many of our coveted visitors are already disoriented enough without sea legs or any sense of direction,” said the officer. “This grave situation could easily turn to chaos without parameters like the Divide.”
Others disagree saying that with all the snow up there no one would even know the thing was missing. They add that if the Continental Divide wants to relocate there is very little anyone can do about it.
Anyone wanting to help is asked to bring loads of rock to the former site and dump it. – Uncle Pahgre

“Today is the first day of the mess of your life.”
– Rahsaan Larry Kleenex

Snake Charmer…

We could not resist posting this photo but cannot tell who is behind that horn. Dizzy Gillespie? Miles Davis? If anyone recognizes the charmer please email us.

Alaskans Relieved

(Juneau) Alaskans breathed a sigh of relief today when it became apparent that Russian nationalist, Vladimir Zhironovsky, would not attempt to seize the 49th state. Zhironovsky, a leading persona non grata in many capitals of Europe, had threatened to retake the land mass along with Finland and Poland.

“We had set up naval defenses in the Norton Sound with reserves stationed along the Kuskokwim Range,” said Jeff Brown, editor of The Juneau What, published here, in the capital. “People were really scared. It’s pretty dark up here this time of the year and we couldn’t tell if Red Army units had crossed the Bering Straight or if the whole thing was just a lot of political bulldozing.”

Brown told The Horseshoe that most of the firearms dealers had sold out of bullets by last week and that most of the state’s private airplanes remained in the air expecting an attack at any minute.

The almost 600,000 square mile Alaska, now known as the “Last Frontier”, was purchased from the Russian Tsar for a paltry $7,200,000 by the United States in 1867. Secretary William Seward negotiated the purchase as fellow citizens poked fun at the acquisition calling it “Seward’s Folly” and/or “Seward’s Icebox”. It was only through the discovery of gold in the region in the late 19th Century that America realized what it had stumbled upon.

When reminded that Vladimir Putin and not Vladimir Zhironovsky was in control of the Russian military Brown insisted that, nonetheless, his fellow citizens would remain on alert.

“Those Ruskies all look alike to me,” he gestured. “Besides that we get a little bored during January and the threat of total destruction really got us all jacked up. It provided a needed break from the monotony that winter can present.”

When contacted in Moscow Zhironovsky denied ever threatening his neighbor to the east saying that he only meant to placate the ultra right-wing by throwing them a scrap or two. According to a recent account in the German mouthpiece, Welt am Sonntag, Zhironovsky plans to visit Alaska in July to do some salmon fishing if he can obtain the proper credentials. – Mel Toole

FINBAR REMAINS IN BELLY OF WHALE

(Cork) Gaelic mariner and self-proclaimed discoverer of America, Finbar the Sailor, remains lodged in the belly of a large blue whale according to sources here. The infamous salt has been in that capacity since before Christmas.

Although communication has been all but nonexistent since that time, scientists studying the phenomenon feel that Finbar is still alive due to atypical, sporadic acts on the part of the marine mammal.

“We don’t think the whale meant to eat Finbar,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a British marine biologist assigned to the case. “It was just a case of being at the wrong place at the right time and looking a lot like lunch. The whale would probably have preferred fish and chips to that gasbag Mick,” the Englishman offered.

The Republic of Ireland has pledged to call in an assortment of experts including Jacques Cousteau, to aid in Finbar’s rescue. Already a convoy of French battleships is anchored of the coast in apprehension of Finbar’s release. They plan to dump gallons of green champagne overboard in the hopes that the host animal might consume the stuff and burp, thus expediting an uneventful release of the seaman.

Friends say that the Irish sailor will be disgorged whenever he, or the whale, gets around to it. Critics say his predicament is of his own doing. “He’s always been fascinated by the Biblical account of Jonah and the Whale and now he’s got a ring-side seat for all the action. It’s just one more of his cheap publicity stunts,” said Mona Kelp, of Save the Whales. “I, for one, say leave him in there!”           – Gloria de Quirk

POSTAL WORKERS ON SABBATICAL

(Washington) After a flurry of activity over the holidays some 40,000 postal workers will journey to Peru for a much needed rest. While relaxing in the South American country the workers will study the behavior of Peruvian postal workers, a group which never succumbs to stress. In many remote Peruvian mountain areas the mail is often weeks late and some packages never arrive at all, but no one seems to mind. In fact, most of the natives there deliver their own mail. “People in the United States are spoiled,” said one organizer of the trip. “We could learn a lot by observing postal practices in South America.”