All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Senate Passes Deferment for Bartenders
(Washington—Otober 26, 2014) In its only meaningful legislative action this week the United States Senate today passed a sweeping resolution that gives bartenders “complete and irrevocable suspension from military duty in case of war.
Citing the precedent case Martini vs. Manhattan, opponents of the bill argued that officer’s clubs all over the world would suffer as a result of this misguided decision. If bartenders are not drafted who will pour shots for army officers or boat drinks for the ensigns? They accused supporters of hostility toward the burgeoning business of warfare.
“Making drinks in a relaxed atmosphere is imperative in future international conflicts especially when one or more of the participants manufactures weapons to sell to the rest of the world,” said a proponent of the bill. “Would we want a lot of thirsty government contractors or lobbyists to represent our best interests? No.”
“In our growing first to the trough mentality in this country we must undress these potential crisis before the ice melts,” she continued.
Although the legislative body appeared intent on wasting time voting on such issues as immigration, failing infrastructure and the state of education it quickly stacked its priorities, regained its composure and, at last call, passed out on the bar 96–4.
This is the second time the governing body has stepped in on alcohol related issues this session having added the barfly as well as the neighborhood tavern to the endangered species list back in July.
“Being in debt is one sure way to prove that it is possible to have less than nothing.” – Mercy Greenspam, fiscal guru
Post-Toole Engagement Announced
(Montrose, CO — October 26, 2014) Etiquette diva Emily Post today announced her engagement to Colona man, Melvin Toole. The announcement was held at a posh luncheon the American Legion up in Silverton due to the intense heat in the lower Uncompahgre Valley.
No date has been set for the upcoming nuptials.
Ms Post was quoted as saying that she is looking very forward to the wedding.
“I have searched the world over for the right man…someone I could take by the hand, someone to whom I could dedicate my life and apply all that I have learned about etiquette, social responsibility and good taste. I have found that in Melvin. I am certain that the marriage will be a happy one since Melvin will be an ongoing project.”
Post added that Toole would be a lifetime challenge and commitment beyond her wildest dreams.
Toole, a ribald jazzman and fringe journalist of minor regard, was not available for comment as he overslept and missed the luncheon.
“I drive a trashed out car but a hard bargain.” – Melvin Toole
Opinion
Liar’s Poker has no place in the Olympic Games
Projections that the International Olympic Committee might include Liar’s Poker on its 2016 agenda is a slap in the face to all that is good and decent in sports today.
Isn’t it enough that so many of our young people have turned to drugs to escape reality? Now the Olympic spin doctors expect us to watch the finest athletes in the world hang around smoky bars, perpetrating mistruths and desperately searching for the perfect, crisp dollar bill with all the right numbers in all the right lines.
We always thought the Olympics were for the greatest amateurs but apparently there is now room for personal profit.
The United States has boycotted other Olympics for less. We need to stand up and be counted but not on the basis of some pile of bills with or without George Washington on it. How can we even begin to think that an athlete from Nigeria might legitimately compete with someone from Brasil when they do not share a common currency?
The men and women from the six continents, who have trained diligently for the one chance to win a gold, do not deserve this moral descent, this crack in the door letting in the sinister forces of these games of chance. It is our fervent hope that the Olympic Committee comes to its senses before this ancient rivalry turns into Las Vegas, or worse.
I’ve got four sevens.
GIVE TAILINGS FUNDS TO THE NEEDY
The Super Funds that continue to trickle into the region should be handed over to the needy. Within this federally designated depressed area there are over 2500 families that currently exist beneath someone’s poverty line.
The funds, estimated to be around $2.5 billion (over ten years) should be diverted and divided between an estimated 5000 households, giving each one $500,000.
They people can then cleanup the tailings on their own. Is it possible to find another use for the byproducts of our glorious mining days? Could the tailings be jarred and sold as souvenirs? Is moving radioactive material really such a smart idea?
Now we realize that our opinion is forcing its way in the back door. The Super Fund bumbling has been a going concern for over 20 years but it is a mistake to continue these expensive cleanups!
If every tourist would simply take one pound of tailings in their suitcase when they leave these valleys we’d have it all gone by 2030. Isn’t that what the feds are doing? Where do they store it all? Then what? Maybe it could be collected and dumped into the ocean like the Syrian chemical weapons of late. Another great idea. Once it is out of here it’s someone else’s problem.
Using innovative formulas developed at the bar we estimate that the area would be free of tailings and other contaminates by about 2080 which is years ahead of the most accepted approximation. Then we can get back to the business at hand—selling condos to people from Oklahoma and Texas.
—-Western Colorado’s Humor Newspaper
San Juan Horseshoe September 25, 2014
“I have a reputation to withhold.”
– Melvin Toole, after skipping out on a motel bill in Lake City, Colorado
O’Dud and the Meat People
San Juan Horseshoe — September 25, 2014 Colona, CO
Infinite Chapters 82 Part 23
Continued from 2014
so that O’Dud could entice pitching to his friendly little village high in the Rockies. Cannibals like the Giants and entrepreneurs like the Dodgers and Cardinals do it every year while O’Dud rests on his laurels and his carefully engineered team loses 45 games by one or two runs in the late innings because of poor relief pitching.
Paying homage to the war gods Tulowinski and Gonzalez has proven futile due to injuries. Trading prospects for washed out pitchers has been an embarrassment. Beer and food prices at Coors Field are immoral.
Is the problem in the meat lockers of Greely or is it in the minor leagues themselves? Will we be seeing a good team play well next year or will O’Dud and the Meat People continue to wallow, one eye on the slider and one eye on the bottom line? The fans are among the best. They deserve more than a last place finish.
Next month: Top administrators travel to Mars in search for a utility shortstop capable of driving in 150 runs.
Website Expanded to Western Colorado Ghost Towns
The San Juan Horseshoe web page is available in every country on the globe and especially in the Colorado ghost town communities ofGladstone, Henson, Tincup, Needleton, Duncan, Dallas, Piedra, Baldwin, Cathedral. Capitol City, Howardsville (Bullion City), Eureka, Sneffels, Bedrock, Texas Gulch, Thistletown, Paradox, Maher, Coventry, Eldredge, Yellow Jacket, Pittsburg, Ironton, Cahone, Slippery Rock, Portland, Animas, Gothic, Ashcroft, Crystal, Uravan, Sapinero, Marble, Liberty, Lenado, Somerset and Middleton.
(September 25, 2014)
www.sanjuanhorseshoe.com
