All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Leaf-cutting marmots likely culprit in pot stink
(Crested Butte – Sweet Smell Review – July 18, 2016)
A late summer invasion of hungry leaf-cutting marmots is blamed for the increase in marijuana odor that has some residents upset here. Complaints about excessive smells emanating from personal marijuana growing operations are on the rise and the county is prepared to act.
According to local biologists the locusts-like rodents chew on the leaves and the biting releases industrially pungent blasts of pot odor. Although not thought to be dangerous to humans, the olfactory status has been calculated as registering somewhere between baby powder and a busy feedlot.
Authorities are perplexed, with many hinging on two preliminary actions. The first is to rid the area of these mutant marmots. The second is to leave town and begin a new life elsewhere.
It is not clear why the rodents like to chew on the leaves or the state they are attempting to achieve. Scientists believe they have run out of other more traditional sustenance and are desperately attacking the marijuana grown in town.
Pursuing valid solutions to this classic multi-use issue is further clouded by across-the-board confusion as to what constitutes a legal growth effort. People who grow for personal consumption are not regulated like commercial pot producers and often it is difficult to determine what is what with regard to the six-plant per person rule.
One rogue town council member suggested spraying the affected areas with the smell of money to quell the protests. Other concerned citizens are firmly against this toxic approach preferring to deal with the marmots more humanely, by approved trap and release methods.
“Everyone likes the smell of a ten or twenty especially with the masses wandering Elk Avenue this time of the year,” she said. “It’s either that or we go back to burning coal which these leaf-cutter marmots detest.
Chaos at the legal level has spurred dire consequences for citizens not fond of the often-strong aroma on marijuana plants in heat. They are virtually surrounded by pot. Many complain that they cannot even smell their own car boxes or something burning on the stove.
“I didn’t realize there were people out there that found the smell of cannabis to be offensive,” chimed a longtime merchant. “They could be smelling exhaust fumes, landfill wisps or bad water like many other communities. The pot is harmless at this stage.”
Once again the scenario swirls around a case of a small number of greedy persons taking advantage of the lax laws and intruding on the rights of others. Vegetable garden laws are desperately needed in this municipality. People can’t police themselves. Transient mentality and a strong smell of bud pervades the day. Simple enough on paper a tough nut to crack in the midday sun.
“These types are a lot like out contingent of bad dog owners,” said the merchant. “They don’t train their dogs and they continually fly under the radar of personal integrity.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Keeping Cool in Texas
This is how them Texans keep cool (especially the ones too poor to visit Colorado). Above we take a peek at the rare Lone Star, wet-backed water dog cools off on a hot afternoon. Notice the happy smaller variety of the same rare species in the background. (Tessa Fano Photo)
Enchanted tree in mountains above Taos, New Mexico
Face in a tree on the Rio Chiqita in the Sangre de Cristos. Photo by Delinda Austin
Pope Urges Faithful to Play Golf
(Vatican City — June 25, 2016) Pope Francis today encouraged a throng of believers mobbing St. Peter’s Basilica that a round of golf is perfectly compatible with spirituality and makes a fine follow-through to an hour or so cramped in a pew.
“Sunday is still the day of rest where I come from,” said the Pontiff in his native tongue. “And I find lofting a nine iron onto the green or dropping a 20-foot putt quite restful.”
On the subject of skipping church altogether in favor of more golf the Pope scowled and said that would be between the golfer and his conscience.
“My grandfather played plenty of golf in Buenos Aires and I often caddied for him,” continued Bergoglio, the first Pope from the Americas. “He cursed a bit but handed out valuable, life-lesson advice. Once he told me that it was far better to look for the ball in the middle of the fairway, where you hoped it had landed, rather than wasting time beating the bush or combing the water hazards for it. He said it was a metaphor, like the Tango.”
Whether or not other Evangelicals will come onboard with this Sunday suggestion is unclear although the Presbyterians and the Episcopates have been tearing up the links for decades. Leading Baptists have flirted with the idea for some time but remain concerned that it might cut into evening services on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.
Readers may recall Puritans Banned Golf in 1677. “Foolish waste of time… Silly, causes anxiety and the use of profanity in many cases,. Often causes citizens to dress flamboyantly and is not in keeping with the modest dress of a God-fearing gentleman.
Pope Francis, who was never a stand-up comedian or scratch golfer while in Argentina became interested in these skills once he lived in Rome.
– St. Roscoe of Fairways
Whoopee Cooler Guard Banned by State
(Gladstone, CO The Ice Man Whooped June 20, 2016)
The Colorado Division of Safety and Intrusion has banned the popular Brew-Toole Whoopee Cushion due to repeated over-heating violations, insufficient lighting and contested patent claims. The Whoopee, a sophisticated digital alarm system that fits tightly over one’s favorite beer cooler, warns against intruders from as far as 50 yards away, has sold well here.
Persons who purchased model #66779925 (2006-2016) will have until July 4 to turn systems into state investigation teams currently trolling the landscape for violators who are continuing to use the Whoopee.
“It’s like the program where the citizen turns in his handgun only they get nothing back,” said Mel Toole, who invented of the Whoopee while on night guard duty at a local dog food factory. “At first people bought them as conversation pieces like wooden teeth or Elvis salt shakers. Then they found out how well the Whoopee works.”
The product had been sold with an assortment of verbal/audio alarms from: “Hey ass-hole get you mitts out of my beer cooler” to penetrating bells, obnoxious sirens, simulated nuclear blasts or the downright terrifying screams of a cornered capuchin monkey in heat. Social and more passive signals can be sent electronically, such as in the case of the witless human pest who insists on using your beer cooler as a seat near the fire.
The No Frills Brew-Toole Whoopee sells for $45 (plus batteries). Toole continues to sell the units at several disguised fruit stands along the Rim Rock Border of Colorado and Utah near the steamy river port of La Sal Junction.
“There is nothing unsafe about my invention,” stressed Toole. “It’s safer than driving in downtown Delta and far safer than most of the food we eat.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
The South May Have Risen
(Charleston, SC — Dixie Doings — June 10,2016)
Retired cavalry officer, Jeb Stuart Forest, claims that the American South has risen. The grandson of Confederate stalwart, Nathaniel Bedford Forest, insists that the Confederacy should be reinstated due to simple economics.
Forests’ dollar-for-dollar math is all related to the net worth of a Confederate dollar bill, printed in 1862, compared to that of United States dollar bill printed last week.
“I am holding a Rebel bill in my right hand and a Yankee bill in my left,” he said. “Any fool can tell you which one is worth more, and I ain’t talking about gold standards here. It’s the Confederate bill!”
Collectors ascertained his dramatic decree, adding that a one-dollar Confederate bill in good shape could bring as much as five dollars from a serious collector.
“Like most fiscal markets this once fluctuates daily and can be determined by such factors as availability and geographical demand,” said one ______. “What sells for a buck and a half in Natchez, Mississippi might bring three dollars in Savannah.”
Forest estimates that a Confederate ten-dollar bill could bring as much as $125 while the U.S. counterpart can be had for face value.
“Since all the wars since Abraham, the prophet, not the president, have been fought entirely over economics, I think my point comes home to roost,” said Forest. “The government that no longer exists is stronger than the one that continues to stumble on into the 21st Century. If things keep looking up we might be able to take Pennsylvania without sending in Robert E Lee.”
Forest, who lost a finger during the liberation of Grenada, hopes his ideas might branch out and dictate banking policies all over what was the Confederate Sates of America.
– Ambrose Early
