All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Enchanted tree in mountains above Taos, New Mexico

Face in a tree on the Rio Chiqita in the Sangre de Cristos. Photo by Delinda Austin

Pope Urges Faithful to Play Golf

(Vatican City  —  June 25, 2016) Pope Francis today encouraged a throng of believers mobbing St. Peter’s Basilica that a round of golf is perfectly compatible with spirituality and makes a fine follow-through to an hour or so cramped in a pew.

“Sunday is still the day of rest where I come from,” said the Pontiff in his native tongue. “And I find lofting a nine iron onto the green or dropping a 20-foot putt quite restful.”

On the subject of skipping church altogether in favor of more golf the Pope scowled and said that would be between the golfer and his conscience.

“My grandfather played plenty of golf in Buenos Aires and I often caddied for him,” continued Bergoglio, the first Pope from the Americas. “He cursed a bit but handed out valuable, life-lesson advice. Once he told me that it was far better to look for the ball in the middle of the fairway, where you hoped it had landed, rather than wasting time beating the bush or combing the water hazards for it. He said it was a metaphor, like the Tango.”

Whether or not other Evangelicals will come onboard with this Sunday suggestion is unclear although the Presbyterians and the Episcopates have been tearing up the links for decades. Leading Baptists have flirted with the idea for some time but remain concerned that it might cut into evening services on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.

Readers may recall Puritans Banned Golf in 1677. “Foolish waste of time… Silly, causes anxiety and the use of profanity in many cases,. Often causes citizens to dress flamboyantly and is not in keeping with the modest dress of a God-fearing gentleman.

Pope Francis, who was never a stand-up comedian or scratch golfer while in Argentina became interested in these skills once he lived in Rome.

– St. Roscoe of Fairways

Whoopee Cooler Guard Banned by State

(Gladstone, CO   The Ice Man Whooped   June 20,  2016)

The Colorado Division of Safety and Intrusion has banned the popular Brew-Toole Whoopee Cushion due to repeated over-heating violations, insufficient lighting and contested patent claims. The Whoopee, a sophisticated digital alarm system that fits tightly over one’s favorite beer cooler, warns against intruders from as far as 50 yards away, has sold well here.

Persons who purchased model #66779925 (2006-2016) will have until July 4 to turn systems into state investigation teams currently trolling the landscape for violators who are continuing to use the Whoopee.

“It’s like the program where the citizen turns in his handgun only they get nothing back,” said Mel Toole, who invented of the Whoopee while on night guard duty at a local dog food factory. “At first people bought them as conversation pieces like wooden teeth or Elvis salt shakers. Then they found out how well the Whoopee works.”

The product had been sold with an assortment of verbal/audio alarms from: “Hey ass-hole get you mitts out of my beer cooler” to penetrating bells, obnoxious sirens, simulated nuclear blasts or the downright terrifying screams of a cornered capuchin monkey in heat. Social and more passive signals can be sent electronically, such as in the case of the witless human pest who insists on using your beer cooler as a seat near the fire.

The No Frills Brew-Toole Whoopee sells for $45 (plus batteries). Toole continues to sell the units at several disguised fruit stands along the Rim Rock Border of Colorado and Utah near the steamy river port of La Sal Junction.

“There is nothing unsafe about my invention,” stressed Toole. “It’s safer than driving in downtown Delta and far safer than most of the food we eat.”

-Tommy Middlefinger

The South May Have Risen

(Charleston, SC — Dixie Doings — June 10,2016)

Retired cavalry officer, Jeb Stuart Forest, claims that the American South has risen. The grandson of Confederate stalwart, Nathaniel Bedford Forest, insists that the Confederacy should be reinstated due to simple economics.

Forests’ dollar-for-dollar math is all related to the net worth of a Confederate dollar bill, printed in 1862, compared to that of United States dollar bill printed last week.

“I am holding a Rebel bill in my right hand and a Yankee bill in my left,” he said. “Any fool can tell you which one is worth more, and I ain’t talking about gold standards here. It’s the Confederate bill!”

Collectors ascertained his dramatic decree, adding that a one-dollar Confederate bill in good shape could bring as much as five dollars from a serious collector.

“Like most fiscal markets this once fluctuates daily and can be determined by such factors as availability and geographical demand,” said one ______. “What sells for a buck and a half in Natchez, Mississippi might bring three dollars in Savannah.”

Forest estimates that a Confederate ten-dollar bill could bring as much as $125 while the U.S. counterpart can be had for face value.

“Since all the wars since Abraham, the prophet, not the president, have been fought entirely over economics, I think my point comes home to roost,” said Forest. “The government that no longer exists is stronger than the one that continues to stumble on into the 21st Century. If things keep looking up we might be able to take Pennsylvania without sending in Robert E Lee.”

Forest, who lost a finger during the liberation of Grenada, hopes his ideas might branch out and dictate banking policies all over what was the Confederate Sates of America.

– Ambrose Early

“The Greatest” RIP

Boxer Cassius Clay, later known as Muhammad Ali, playfully hits The Beatles while at his training camp. From left to right: Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Ringo Starr, and George Harrison.

Bunker Reruns Making Impact

(Bland Valley — Television and Trivia — June 5, 2016)

Ever since local television has been presenting reruns of Norman Lear’s All in the Family, an ultra-popular weekly series originating in January of 1971, the lead character Archie Bunker has been getting a lot of attention. Surprisingly, a vast majority of viewers strongly relate to the fictitious Queens factory worker/philosopher, played to acclaim by Carroll O’Connor.

Many, who have trouble separating real life from, life portrayed on the TV screen, classified the program as drama rather than comedy.

Of the 400 people surveyed 325 thought Archie was a reasonable man at an unreasonable time. They say he was just a good guy trying to make a living. 80% said the Bunker family was highly functional. Most agreed that they would share a beer with Bunker. Six people said they thought he would make a good President.

In an impromptu man-on-the-street poll 93% said that even if they did not completely agree with the character they could understand his line of thinking from 45 years ago. Of the males interviewed a whopping 96% said they wish their wives were more like Edith. Most added that they would never allow a liberal son-in-law in their homes.

Cultural despots conducted further audits throughout Western Colorado but the findings were stifled when some pinko meathead dingbat lost the statistics.

– Lionel Stivic