All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Soothsayer Says Situation Shitty

(Escucha del Monte) An often controversial, local visionary is not predicting a rosy future here in the land of knots and pulleys. In fact the prophesy is quite foreboding while alarmingly blunt.

“It’s shitty which rhymes with pity, city and kitty, among other words,” said the small, hair-covered beggar. “Shitty. What don’t you get about it?”

Notable herein is that the local seer, called Zilot by some and Toliz by others does not circulate among other humans but once in a blue moon. He/she does not make a habit of forcasting much at all, preferring to sit inside his secret  cavelike shelter constructed entirely of baby pinion leaf and discarded RV parts.

Cousins who visit him when his sociable security check arrives, say he keeps to himself and keeps his standup routine brief and to the point.

“This oracle joker is a  fake. I’ve seen smarter sheep,” said one local farmer who once sold prunes and dairy products to the futuristic guru’s extended community up Goodenough Gulch.

“It’s become fashionable to be eccentric to walk around in a sheet and then expect a payday for sharing enlightenment with us poor sops,” he smirked.

Our source went on to say that neither he nor his neighbors put stock in disjointed, unsolicited projections like these.

“We don’t need flapping lips to tell us the wind is blowing,” he said.

Nigerian missionaries bivouacked up Carne Canyon told The Horseshoe they were offended by the off-color word, clearly integral to the message, but to a greater degree in his surrender of judiciousness to the use of common proletarian profanity.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe

Wind Jarred in Wyoming

(Cheyenne) After decades of blind and expensive research, climatologists here claim to have successfully jarred the wind. Jarring, compared to the more common harnessing or vaguely routine displacing of the wind is a much simpler technology, which is foolproof and final.

     The procedure follows a logical pattern starting with the employment of thousands of glass jars set in a diagram specified for the conditions, the actual collection of ducts and currents and the final canning of the element, secured with simple tin lids and sealed with good ol’ Rocky Mountain elbow grease.

     “Not only will this innovative modus operandi store energy for the future,” explained one scientist, “but it will reduce the wind velocity and control haphazard weather patterns currently running roughshod on Wyoming residents.”

     It is hoped that neighbor states such as Colorado and Montana will follow suit and begin jarring operations soon. The benefits to jarring the wind, which are not always compatible with metaphysical thought and/or religious superstition, have come to the forefront of late, reminding politicians that voters have grown tired of  “the same old air flows” on the part of “windy candidates”.

     Official Wyoming Wind, considered a delicacy in most parts of the world (and an aphrodisiac in east Asia) would be packaged, marketed and sold to tourists here during the summer.

     “Quite candidly we see the calming affect as outweighing any negative impact of fooling with the weather,” said an unreliable source from Laramie. “Energy is energy and federal subsidies are too.”

– Jack Spratt

GAZA HOAs Suspend Codes

Gaza HOAs that have miraculously survived the ongoing Israeli genocide have released “a more responsive and protective blueprint” more responsive to new parameters. Longstanding codes, statutes, ordinances, decrees, and edicts that dictated who could build what, appear headed for the bomb crater.

Once loose Palestinian building codes are enduring an overnight shift in response to the famine there and continued bombing of the Gaza Strip by Israeli warplanes.

It was not clear if the miles of underground tunnels favored by Hamas would be effected since over 85% of its membership rent (alarmingly 90 and 95% of Hezbollah and Houthi proxies do not own their own homes either). Most still live with their parents or roast under sparse bridges in the region.

Not surprisingly, serious analysis by the surviving population as to how the abrupt relaxing of these long held stipulations will benefit the blackened community was muted. Statistics as to the level of compliance with existing state and national regulations were blown up.

“They’re buried around here somewhere,” said a former mayor of Rafah, who was traveling to yet another safe zone with his family on Wednesday.

Enforcement, maintaining tranquility and  sustaining financial stability are still the priority of the HOAs, while such bothersome labyrinths as ancient grandfather clauses, cultural bylaws, kiboshed feuds and suspended covenants are on the chopping block

Persons who defy the new HOA rules could face ridicule, harrying, neighborly aggression, internment, deportation and/or physical harm by whomever is in charge on a given day.

-Melvin Bedwetter Toole

WARNING TO BACKPACKERS

The United States Forest and Logging Service has determined that there are at least 200 million illegal marijuana plants currently being cultivated in our federally administered national forests. If you are confronted by one of these evil weeds on the trail do not attempt to apprehend the highly addictive narcotic on your own. Call the sheriff. If you do not have a mobile phone in your backpack simply drop a postcard upon your arrival home. Please specify the exact coordinates so as to facilitate recommended bombing or artillery assaults. If you are attacked by startled plant do not retreat. Avoid eye contact, wave your arms in the air and puff yourself up bigger than life. If that doesn’t work, carefully approach the plant from its blind side and hack it to pieces, assuring that it will never fall into the wrong hands.

                                                      – A message from your National Forests and your local DEA.

LOCAL STATIONS CAUGHT MAKING UP WEATHER

(Bland Junction) Police detained fifteen local weather persons in connection with the alleged misuse of FCC licenses and falsifying or concocting fictitious weather reports. In addition local officers confiscated an estimated ten dollars worth of sophisticated forecasting equipment, a host of neglected bunions and trick knees, several undernourished homing pigeons and a wide assortment of potentially pornographic weather charts.

     “It is clear to us that some really shady behavior was going on right under our noses,” said one arresting officer. “It’s clear that most of these weather hacks couldn’t pass a high school meteorology test!”

     Several of those in question admitted that the station had been making up the weather since about 1990 when the state government cut back on subsidies for toy telescopes and applied environmental controls to the procedures for collecting atmospheric tidings.

     “We admit it,” chided one station manager. “We’ve been rolling dice on weather for quite a while. If we throw a five or a six it’s going to be hot and dry. If we throw a four or a two it will be windy. Doubles usually means rain or snow depending on the time of the year,” he explained. “If we throw doubles twice in a row that means the world is going to end,” he laughed. “Fortunately with the downward spiraling attention span within our audience nobody seems to remember our program the next morning anyway.”

     At the preliminary arraignment one former “weather girl” told of wild parties where wine coolers and chips were often present on the set. The testimony was challenged by attorneys for management who asked, “Is this the kind of behavior one would expect from people who are on record as believing the summer solstice is an evil pagan holiday?”

     If convicted the entire crew could a stiff fine and banishment from the air waves but that is not likely. Calls for immediate deportation to proverbial fields of lore were waved off on the state level.

     “It’s really too bad citizens are too lazy to predict their own weather,” commented a chubby court reporter from the other side of her mouth. “It’s just like fishing. When I was younger my uncle Red used to throw dynamite into a pond and catch his limit in no time. You can’t do that today, can you?”

     She did not, nor was she asked, to elaborate.

-Uncle Pahgre

Wind Takes Toll on Flag Persons

(Ridgway) Powerful winds have made life all but intolerable for flaggers working on highways here according to “anonymous sources in orange”. While performing other tasks in the gusty thrusts is no picnic, standing in one spot for eight to ten hours per day is shear hell.

     “I’d rather freeze or melt than be chipped away at by the wind,” said one veteran of the roads. “I don’t know why we can’t do all these repairs in January and February when we have nice, calm weather.”

     Other workers suggested that temporary domes be built over the roadway that is under construction. Drivers might enjoy a stroll, drink a cup of coffee or just chat while the roadwork plunges on. After that chunk of the asphalt is readied the dome slides north or south and protects another segment of society.

     Although no real relief is in sight, sources high on the food chain at C-DOT report zero casualties as the result of wind. Last Friday, however, one man, Ed Chicopee Jr of  Ridgway, was picked up and carried half way up Dallas. Ten minutes later his 340-pound mass landed safely, and without further incident, in a neighbor’s haystack.

     At first eye witnesses thought the flight was some sort of astronaut stunt but when he didn’t come back someone called headquarters.

     “We found Ed a bit stunned but all right and gave him the rest of the day off. He’s got a desk job now,” said a spokesperson for the highway department, plotting yellow dot and dash patterns along the center of the asphalt. We’re not sure what they mean but he’s enjoying the challenge.”

     Bosses here hope that sessions in Gestalt/Primal Scream therapy will reduce friction on the job. Employees have been rather testy of late. It’s the wind. This therapy is offered free every Saturday morning in the Rangely office and all affected employees are urged to attend.     

     In a related development sources the Colorado Department of Highways still won’t tell us who made the decision to use a highly-toxic Magnesium-Chloride solution on the roads this winter. The stuff, which reputedly kills trees, rusts cars and, yes, melts snow was never employed back when it used to snow regularly…so stop doing it.