All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
My Night on Camp Bird Road
It was a dark and stormy night or maybe it was the perfect summer evening. I really don’t remember. All I know is that I was hungry, that being redundant since I am a healthy, five-year-old, 350-pound black bear. The heavy rains have netted lots of berries but how many berries does it take to fill the stomach of a bear as big as me? Every so often I need something more substantial, something that sticks to the ribs, as they say. And besides, a fellow has to have a social life—I’m headed to town.
I was soon in Ouray and expecting something special.
Wait, there’s a cabin at the end of this aspen grove and no light on. I wonder if anyone’s home? I wonder if the door is locked? It doesn’t matter since I am a bear and doors mean very little, even though we bruins know full well how to open them. Maybe I should break through a window and check out the provisions. It could be trouble but no one’s around and I am big and hairy.
I approach from the wooded side of the cabin and get up on my hind legs to have a sniff around. Boy, someone should firm up this porch. It barely holds my weight. I peek into the kitchen and notice that the furniture looks rough. The couch looks like second-hand but I don’t plan to take a nap. I plan to eat! These humans could really use a decorator.
If I exert just the right amount of pressure on the glass it will give in. A light push…There…with a little crash I’m inside.
Now to the important part without further delay. I wonder what kind of grub these absent humans have stashed in the cupboards. The fools always leave something around in case of a big snow. Sometimes it’s canned beans or oatmeal. Sometimes it’s smoked salmon and jars of frozen berries. You just never know till you tear off a cupboard door. Dispensing with formalities, pardon me as I I tear off the cupboard door. Oh. Cheerios! I love Cheerios. The only thing better than cheerios is Sugar Crisps. They always have a bear cub on the front of the package.
Now where have they hidden the honey? These kind of humans always have honey around in one of those plastic bear jars for some reason that escapes me. They should have plastic bee jars. The jars are always real sticky and it’s hard to get the lid off without any thumbs on my paw. Here it is in a small cereal bowl. Real easy to eat. Now I have a feast and there are some grapes in the refrigerator too. I think I’ll go back out on the porch and chow down. Ahhhhh….
Moments after eating I hear a rustling in the bushes. What? It’s one of those humans with a cooking pot and spoon in her hand. Now she’s banging the pot with the spoon. What’s she trying to do? Wake up the whole neighborhood? If she thinks I’m going to run off because she’s banging around, she’s nuts.
Now she’s staring at me. Doesn’t she know how dangerous it can be to make eye contact with a bear. And why isn’t she wearing bells? Didn’t she read the little books that the rangers give out at the cute little campsites?
I stand and give her my best growl. Usually this works. Now she’s gone into the house. Maybe there are a few more boxes of cereal inside. I crawl back through the broken window taking care not to scrape myself on the jagged glass. Look, there’s cans of soup but no opener. There’re marshmallows. And what’s this? Coffee? Bears don’t usually like to eat coffee but we eat garbage. I’ll try anything once. Now I hear the human upstairs on the phone talking about me. She’s telling someone on the other end of the line that there is a bear in her kitchen.
In a mater of moments a mob of these funny creatures is at the gate. One has a gun. They all look mad. I hope he’s not stupid enough to fire that thing near the house. Someone could get shot. Apparently he does not realize how dangerous firearms can be in the hands of a human. Now he’s aiming the gun in my direction. He lifts it and fires into the air. I charge without hesitation. I’m a bear, you know.
Despite their sophisticated technology, the humans scatter like roaches at a bonfire. The bluff worked. I knew they weren’t really a threat. I quickly scamper across the yard and into the black timber and up the hill to safety. Maybe I’ll stop and visit Mom. I’ll have to go back another night to finish the rest of the groceries. It’s nice to know they are there.
That was fun.
Feedlot Hobnobbers
Cow #1: Damn this wind. It’s driving me nuts.
Cow #2: Yeah, and our water ration has been cut back
Cow #3: And the hay is too crisp. I can hardly chew it.
Cow #2: And the smell…
Cow #1: I wonder where they’re sending us. All this corn and alfalfa sure is nice but I’m starting to put on a lot of weight.
Cow #2: Yeah, I could use a bit of exercise. We’ll be heading to summer pasture before long to rejoin our moms.
Cow #3: Not to change the subject but I saw the boss man talking to the packing house agent yesterday.
Cow #1: Probably planning a fishing trip. They’re great friends, you know.
Cow #2: How do you know that?
Cow #1: They always go elk hunting together and throw barbecues all summer.
Cow #3: Oh, that’s nice. What do they do with the elk?
Cow #2: They eat it, stupid.
Cow #3: Savages. Why can’t they just eat grass and hay?
Cow #1: Something to do with their digestive systems.
Cow #2: Damn this wind.
Cow #1: Hey, stop complaining. At least we don’t have hoof and mouth.
Cow #2: Not yet anyway. I saw where thousands of cattle in Europe had to be destroyed so as to prevent the spread of mad cow disease.
Cow #1: Probably just a ploy to jack up the price of beef.
Cow #3: It works for the oil companies.
Cow #2: Look, here comes our ride now. How are they going to fit us all in that trailer?
Cow #1: At least it’s not windy.
Cow #2: Well, we might as well get on with it.
Cow #3: Let’s try to get a seat together. Ready?
All cows: Mooooo…
FRONT RANGE CITIES DISCOVER SIMO-FLUSH
(Denver UPS) In an attempt to conserve water, several Front Range cities have begun conducting tests with a new nuclear-driven technology called Sumo-Flush it was disclosed today. The up-till-now secret experiments involve a synchronized flushing of toilets in strategic neighborhoods where residents have volunteered to participate. It is hoped that the simultaneous flushing will cut water usage up to 50 percent since the present plumbing fixtures can only handle so much water at a time. The system is expected to be taxed to capacity.
A schedule for your once-a-day neighborhood flush will be published in the Rocky Mountain Snooze on Sunday. Dubbed Operation Desert Flush by someone over at Fitzsimmons Hospital, the program has had a great deal of success so far, with mounds of paperwork being produced and relatively few structures being damaged. Retired locomotive engineers playing miniature golf on South Colorado Boulevard say that 1-25 appears to have sank about 40 feet, but that it may not be related to the massive flush. When asked what possible affect this sinking may have on the future of the experiments, they said they “didn’t really care.” Road crews will look into it Monday or Tuesday and motorists are asked to find alternate routes to work in the morning.
For you history buffs, the largest coordinated flush ever on the Front Range occurred at Mile High Stadium in Denver on January 5, 1978, during halftime of a play-off match between the then Oakland Raiders and the Denver Broncos. Some 224,980 board feet of water was involved.
-H.L.Menoken
Hot Dog Eating Champ to head FDA
Milton Reliche, a 12-time world hot dog eating champion has been tapped by the Trump Administration to run the FDA. He replaces Eliot Mustard, MAGA stalwart Ed Onion and Muriel Pickle-Reliche, yes, the same Muriel who is married to Milton Reliche, and the chairwoman of a North Korean/Quasi-Siberian lingerie empire.
Many loyalists were in attendance, most notably the Duke of Cucumber and the Head of Romaine, vegetarians since birth.
“What exactly is the FDA?” Asked one of the honorable senators. “Are they with us or agin’ us?”
Reliche, who has reportedly taken a loyalty oath in 2016, will receive Secret Service protection after securing second place in the World Weiner Cup competition held last night in Florida. His finish has been contested with supporters claiming the results were fixed and the hot dog machines were tainted.
If approved by rubber stamp agencies rearing up at the state and federal level, Reliche will begin his catering duties in the Oval Office next week. He is expected to serve as interim economic advisor (tariff czar) to the current administration, filling in when the president dismisses anyone who is “not nice”.
-Pepper Salte
TRUMP TARGET OF BROOKLYN VENDETTA
Donald Trump reportedly stiffed a waiter at Sheep by Barashka in Brooklyn back in 2015 and it has not been forgotten. Not even close. As if this sitting president didn’t have enough to worry about these days he is being trailed, taunted, shadowed and harassed by several Russian syndicates that call Coney Island and Sheep’s Head Bay their home turf.
Locals here say that if they catch up with him it may not be a pretty scene.
Stopping short of calling their actions a vendetta, three waiters and a chef (Trump insulted the food too) have ben methodically planning to get even for years. It is common knowledge that honor takes the front seat and Trump was tied up in the trunk, according to a Russian proverb.
Eyewitnesses , many of whom have disappeared, (mostly older people with heavy Russian names) contend that Trump acted belligerently and tried to leave the restaurant without paying his bill. One of the waiters then chased him but was held back by body guards. It was not clear if the bill was covered.
“If he paid the bill he never tipped,” said one of the staff who still works at the eatery. “What an insult! We don’t forget this kind of behavior and have been biding our time. Our borscht is the best in New York and our golubtsy is to die for.”
Sheep by Barashka (little Barbara) long ago denied that there was a score to settle preferring, at least in public, to put them matter to rest. Sadly, many veterans on the staff still bristle when someone with orange hair walks in the front door..
“He hasn’t been back,” said the chef. “We remain on watch for him or any of his minions who will be escorted promptly out. With all the wonderful customers we have enjoyed over the years it is a shame to see one bad apple throwing around his increased weight.”
It was not known if this recent action would complicate a rumored application via the White House for a request for political asylum in Russia. It was not clear if the desired petition traveled through prescribed diplomatic channels or if it named names. Vladimir Putin, president of Russia did not return our phone calls seeking information on recent diplomatic functions or new sanctions yet to be levied by the Senate.
-Alfalfa Romero
Visiting our Civil War battlefields
In recognition of the 160th Anniversary of several major battles in the American Civil War, Lake City residents Sam and Matilda Heartfelde traveled to Chancellorsville, Virginia; Vicksburg, Mississippi and Gettysburg, Pennsylvania to view the once heavily contested terrain. Little did they know that we installed a secret listening device in the ash tray of their Flexible Fleetwheel Lamsteed Kampkar so as to keep close tabs on their conversations for the three week trip.
Week One: Chancellorsville, Virginia.
We pick up the action upon the arrival of the Heartfeldes:
Matilda—“If Union general Hooker would not have been so hesitant and had showed some calm under fire, standing firm rather than retreating to the confines of the town, he might have easily defeated Lee who had already split his undermanned army and could not have had the punch to knock out an overwhelming force,”
Sam— “Nonsense. Hooker was simply being cautious and adopting a defensive position. Look at the Confederate casualties and you will see that he was right. The South may have won the day but at a terrible cost of men and supplies.”
Matilda—“You think that just because you caught a few History Channel segments you are some expert. It was my relatives who fought while yours bought their way out of inscription.”
Sam—”And that was probably the last honorable thing any of your worthless relatives accomplished since…
Matilda—My family fought a Celtic war for the glory of the South while yours hid behind mother’s apron just like you. I must have been out of my mind to marry a man who has no sense of history much less a sense of the present. I must have been mad to think I could spend three weeks on the road with an imbecile. You sleep on the pull out couch tonight.
Week Two: Vicksburg, Mississippi
Sam—”Sure is hot this morning.
Matilda—”No it isn’t. It’s balmy for this neck of the woods.
Sam—The thermometer on the camper says 95 and its not even noon.
Matilda—That thing isn’t accurate. I told you not to buy the cheap one. What’s up with the air-conditioning? It doesn’t seem to be functioning.
Sam—Oh I forgot to refill the freon. I figured we could rough it for a few days in honor of the men who fought here.
Matilda—What a stupid idea. Don’t ever do that without asking me first.
Sam—According to this map the siege began in May and six weeks later the Rebels surrendered giving the Yankees control of the Mississippi and effectively splitting the South in two.
Matilda—History always looks simple to simple minds. You just love to hear yourself talk, don’t you. Your knowledge of this battle could fit inside a bottle cap and your choice of campsites is particularly annoying. Look how far we are from the bathrooms.
Sam—But we’re self-contained
Matilda—In your dreams. You forgot to flush the system and it’s backed up, moron. I’m spending the night in a hotel and far away from you.
Sam—Good. I won’t be here when you come back.
Week Three: Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Matilda— If Lee would have adopted a more defensive position from day one he might have won a victory instead of having to high-tail it back home.
Sam—Maybe,
Matilda—What do you mean Maybe? It’s clear that charging into a fortified position with fewer troops is a recipe for military disaster.
Sam―Not always.
Matilda: Oh, I see you’re still pouting from Vicksburg.
Sam—I am not pouting. II’ve never pouted in my life. If I did it wouldn’t be over the likes of you. I’m just tired of listening to you go on about things you don’t understand. I’m sick of the way you dress. Your food stinks, you wear too much makeup and you snore.
Matilda—You’re one to talk. You scurry around in those bib overalls with that stupid Rockies’ hat, with chew spilling out the side of your mouth. You never had the least bit of ambition and your dog is worthless.
Sam—Your dog ran away.
Matilda—No she didn’t. You purposely ran her over with the car.
Sam―That’s not true. I was watching out for your mother in the driveway when that dog started yapping…
Matilda—Don’t blame my mother for this. She was right about you. No backbone. No integrity. The poor woman has been depressed ever since I married you.
Sam—Why don’t you just shut up and watch the battle reenactment. Maybe a stray bullet will find you and I can enjoy the rest of my life in peace.
Matilda—Why must you be so hateful. Oh no…look at the gas gauge. You forgot to get gas! We’ll be stranded.
Sam—There’s enough gas to get back to town. If not, you can walk in for fuel. Maybe you’ll shed a few pounds in the process.
Sam and Matilda will present a slide show of their wonderful trip at the Lake City Armory this fall.
