All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Bake sale to save the environment

(Ridgway) The annual Save the Environment Bake Sale will be held on Saturday May 28 in Ridgway Park from 9 am to 5 pm. Pastries will be provided by the Ladies’ Native Planet Legume Auxiliary and the event administered by the Agency for Homophobia Security. All snails final. All proceeds go toward filling in the hole in the ozone, banning the use of plastic bags and ending fossil fuel use by November. Sponsored by the Young Anarchists of Ouray County. Come enjoy!

Bake sale to encourage world peace

(Gunnison) A combined bake and gun sale is scheduled for Saturday, May 28 on the campus of Western State College here. Included in the fare will be doughnuts, eclairs, brownies, Afro-American toes, subversive cookies, strudel, cream puffs, hand-held missile launchers and assault rifles. All profits will be fed back into the social system earmarked for organizations dedicated to world peace. If you know any please bring contact numbers to the sale. Immediately following the sale a seminar entitled Why are gas prices continually rising after the fall of Baghdad decades ago? will be presented by the severely twisted student union.

Emergence of Zombies in the House Alarming

(Gulf of Mexico) House Republicans vehemently deny that there are zombies on their side of the aisle, spellbound and bedazzled by sound bites and empty content as if hypnotized by a sort of Clockwork Orange.

“Despite incriminating evidence to the contrary, most MAGA congressmen are convinced that  talking tough is an effective method of intimidation,” said Walter Puff, a 99-year-old state senator from a forgotten valley in Central California. “Then it all falls in on them when they are contested by someone who thinks.”

“Most of these modern day zombies are poltroon to the core,” stressed Rachel Penny Capon (Dem-Boise), whose constituency includes acres of chicken processing plants often manned by illegal aliens.

Although thousands of photos of vampires, werewolves as well as zombies fall short of making a case for wooden stakes and scuttling spinal cords the vampires continue wandering in for work every day.

Take Marjorie Taylor-Green of Georgia for instance, a blind, one dimensional surrogate with no capacity for cooperation even when it benefits her supporters.

“If there are zombies in the belfry they are liberal, progressive, communists who should be deported,” she smirked.

She went on to explain on Faux News:

“Both vampires and zombies are common creatures in popular culture. Vampires, in many depictions, are known for their blood-sucking habits, using fangs to puncture skin and drink the blood for sustenance and pleasure. 

Zombies, on the other hand, are generally depicted as reanimated corpses, often mindless and focused on feeding on the living, but not specifically blood.”

As most readers know, it is difficult to take a photo of a zombie because they move too slow for digital capture. Vampires, despite their preference for the after-midnight set have been clicked upside down in caves and plying their trade disguised as harmless bozos sleeping off a good drunk.

The average work-a-day Joe or Josephine must begin to ask the right questions: Who gave mutants like these people the keys to the place anyway?Why when we have millions of unemployed people within the confines of the US we can’t do better than such tired options when choosing our “leaders?

“Most were rich long before getting elected and yet they chase the money, continued Capon. “How much do these people want? How much is enough?”

– Gabby Haze

Sand Yetis Keep South Atlantic Beaches Wild

(Montevideo) An increase in beach yeti sightings has anthropologists on edge near Punta del Diablo, a wind-swept South Atlantic town on the coast of Uruguay. Already this summer (January to March) several of the giant, hairy beasts have been spotted roaming the sands of Angostura, dangerously close to the tourist mecca of Santa Teresa National Park.

     Many people find this alarming. Others don’t believe in any of it. Still others say they have seen these intimidating creatures with their own eyes and it’s no big deal. Experts are shocked yet amused while the usually progressive government is in denial.

      “Why have sightings increased?” answered a local ranger. “Climate Change, food sources closer to man, development…too many variables to consider. Is it a hoax? Yeah, like men walking on the moon? I don’t think so. This surf is their turf. We are trespassing,” he smiled.

     Contact between humans and primitives in a remote area is rare but not uncommon with the expansion of the population toward the Brasilian Frontier. In recent years Yeti have become more aggressive toward anglers and sun bathers on vast, remote stretches of beach from Esmerelda all the way to La Pedrera. Back in January a mob of yetis allegedly attacked and ate several drunks coming home from a local disco at dawn. Although the violence was never substantiated, the yeti were reclassified as extremely dangerous and, along with plastic bags, the most serious predator in South America.

     Until recently anthropologists here chose to deny the existence of sand yetis on these shores. It was simple. Both tourism and yeti colonies were sure to suffer if the word got out that 10-foot tall Sasquatch (males) weighing up to 500 pounds were going to the beach today.

    Much smaller, although no less fierce, the Yeti Betties have enormous eyes and constantly prune their males and breast-feeding hungry off-spring while they look for something to eat. Even the females can consume up to 30 sea gulls in one sitting which sheds light on the diminishing population of the beaked ocean birds on the Uruguayan coast.

     Members of the crown group hominoid, sand yetis often exhibit aggression around loud adult humans yet tolerate noisy children. Called Sasquatch, but never to their face, these nefarious creatures  have yet to embrace any primitive sense of personal hygiene. An attentive beach wanderer can sometimes detect one from a kilometer away by their odor alone.

     Many residents claim to have watched yetis wrestling with sharks in the deep surf or pulling a white corvina into a shallow bay. Due to the lungs of a giant otter, a hungry yeti can drown a talapia in just minutes.

     “I saw two of them with a discarded fishing pole trying to make sense of casting techniques and, hey, they weren’t half bad,” chipped in one local bartender. “Landed three flounder and ate them raw right on the spot.”

     The colonies live in the woods in the winter and the beach in the summer. They get along well with dogs since they learned to feed the canines decades ago. Rangers are quick to point out that some of the creatures observed on the beach are completely human and are not related to the yeti in any way even though they resemble the beasts.

     Residents claim the yeti often surf near Barra de Chuy and that 24-inch footprints were documented outside a casino in town that same day. Later in the week police confronted a large group of what they believed to be “ape-like wild men” who turned out to be Paraguayan zoologists on a fact finding trip.

     Experts from “up north” echo the concerns and fascination of their counterparts here.

     “The yeti may be the only primate indigenous to North America,” said a visiting scientist from Canada. “Ours are omnivorous and nocturnal while the behavior of the ones down here is impossible to predict. They may eat an entire palm tree for breakfast and then stay up all night deep in digestion. One thing that they have in common is that neither species likes to be alone – ever. These South American Sand Yetis look a lot like the Skoocooms common to the Oregon Coast and are more communal than the Bud Yeti of Humboldt County in Northern California”

     She added that the rare six-toed version tends to throw feces at enemies and beat its chest when it feels threatened. They are frightfully strong and can hurl large rocks and tree stumps..

     Not to be confused with the significantly smaller Rock Yeti, which are far more populous and who, even at maturity, never reach two feet in stature the sand yeti and rock yeti do not get along. The latter hide in the rocks all day and only come out at night like tourists from Sao Paulo and Buenos Aires. If one comes across these rock critters he is advised to back away and avoid eye contact. Also called Cave Yetis (or small bastards in the Guarani language) and flacos terribilius in the ancient Angostaran dialect, the bigfoots are exceptional football/soccer players but often wear too much cologne. Juveniles often have zits while older cave yetis tend to get lazy.

     Cryptozoologists say the DNA matches that of the capybara, a South American rodent that grows to the size of a pig. Attempts to lure them out into the sun with bananas and mangos have failed since the yeti are used to eating oysters and prawns rather than fruit.

     “I’ve seen the beggars roaming the deserted beaches looking for eats,” said one local fisherman. “They are nothing but raspy vagabonds and they don’t scare me with all the growling and jumping about.”

     Others note similar contact.

     “My brother and I had two sharks in our nets when several yetis pushed us back into the water and took our catch,” said an angler from La Corinilla. “They were big galoots, real big. They didn’t say much. The females are smaller. They beast-feed their young right there in front of God and everyone.”

     In keeping with the concept of full employment, Uruguay is currently considering hiring many of the yeti as summer beach patrol in nearby Santa Teresa National Park during peak months.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

DOW Wants in on Drone License Fees

(Deer Trail, CO) Threatening to sell drone licenses to this year’s hunters may or may not be legitimate. Either way it has caused quite an uproar at the Colorado Division of Wildlife, who want a piece of the local action if there is such.

     According to town fathers and mothers in Deer Trail, the announcement that the municipality would begin selling drone licenses this fall was meant as a political statement and never as an actuality. Several say they wanted to protest the country’s policies with regard to unmanned rockets, spying and assassinations of suspected terrorists, including US citizens. Others say our government has lost its sense of right and wrong and is engaged in deplorable acts on our behalf.

     “The fact that the national media picked up on our tongue and cheek plan further indicates that there are a lot of people out there highly concerned about the clandestine nature of our government these days,” said councilperson Bettie Clonne of Deer Trail. “And now it appears that another parasitic gov’ment agency wants in on the spoils.”

     Clonne, which rhymes with drone, went on to suggest that it would be impossible to sell drone licenses since those unmanned weapons are not all that prevalent in Colorado skies and because drones are not wards of the state like deer and elk. In addition they remind us that one cannot eat a drone which creates other problems with morality of hunting in general.

     “We realize it is a federal offense to mess with federal property, even though in essence it belongs to the people, doesn’t it?” she asked.

     The government has expanded its drone programs to include domestic surveillance which worries civil liberty proponents as to the future of robot war and intrusive technology.

     “Don’t shoot it unless you’re going to eat it has always been my mantra,” continued the source. “I haven’t seen any trophy drones up there and the drone is not calculated on the basis of points on the antler since there are no horns, just a ball of metal.”

     Meanwhile the DOW, who used to offer hunting licenses at a reasonable fee for instate and out of state sportsmen, has continued its greedy march to the destruction of pedesdrian hunting in Colorado. Years ago everyone shared in the profits, – merchants, outfitters, communities – now most of the money ends up going to the DOW. Today’s  average hunter is now urban, unskilled and rich with expensive gear and no soul for the hunt. This is what happens when fees are not in keeping with reality. Less hunters mean less money spent on dinners, hotel rooms and services.

     Still the thought of bringing down an unmanned drone is tempting to some. The possibility of actually hitting one with an elk rifle is all but impossible anyway. They travel fast.

     Most people in Deer Trail agree that all the hoopla over shooting down drones will blow over after the season is concluded. However the feds and the state will still be here helping us to become more robotic and less human.

     What tales will they tell around the campfire in the years to come?

     “I was so busy field dressing the first clone that I din’t see the second one coming right at me. Thankfully my old buddy Earl had a bead on it and blasted it out of the sky. I don’t know if the meat can be recovered but it was a damn fine shot. Things sure are different out in the woods then they were when I was a boy.”

– Rocky Flats

WAS THE GOUT THE UNDOING OF THE BLACKFOOT NATION?

Called the dark toe in the Algonquian language, gout may have been the culprit in ravaging the once-mighty Blackfoot Nation. Historians are correct to ascertain that measles and small pox were devastating to these plains tribes but most miss to contribution of uric acid to the formula.

Once linked to gluttony and drunkenness gout is now seen in a different light. The Blackfoot were not big boozers until the whites kicked them onto reservations. So why did they suffer from gout. Their Alberta cousins, the Sarcee, did not get the gout nor did many of their traditional enemies such as the Sioux. Although not contagious, the painful ailment follows protocol.

The Blackfeet, unlike centuries of European victims, exhibited no guilt as it wasn’t yet invented on the at least out there on the prairie.

“The Native Americans ate few processed foods, little sugar, but a “buttload of buffalo, and I ain’t talking western New York,” said Alberta Purinal, a leading dietician who has never had gout.

“Imagine this scenario,” she continued. A brave wakes up in pain after the Sun Dance. He goes to witch doctor who recommends ginger root extract, black cherries, couch grass and Boerhavia extract. When he asks where he can get these remedies the witch doctor simply flinches and days…maybe over in Canada.”

Confusion reigned then as it does today.

One Blackfoot elder tells us he traded three ponies for a vial of potion said to relieve the gout. It didn’t. They told me at the lodge fire to eat salmon but never tuna. Then later I was warned to eat only tuna and never salmon. I can’t remember the mantra: buffalo meat asparagus and berries or buffalo meat asparagus and berries…

-Fred Zeppelin

For a related piece see Dystopian Nightmares by Lizzie Borden, Testosterone Bros., Boston.