All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Mountain Report
The Rockies, including the San Juans and Elk ranges, are up there again today standing, like a stone wall against the elements…at peace with their surroundings and in total immersion with the coming day.
According to seismic apparatus on the scene, the mountains have shifted ever so slightly to the east, compensating for a semi-detectible shift to the north last Friday. They are covered with a deep blanket of snow in 94 % of gorges and saddles with little coverage on ledges, pinnacles and other exposed terrain or on the south faces.
Despite the coming of spring down at lower altitudes many fury residents continue to burro in or hide out to survive the cold winter conditions common to areas of higher altitude.
These monuments of rock are projected to be part of the skyline landscape for many, many years to come. It is clear that the mountains will be here when humankind has disappeared or moved on. In short: Everything is copasetic in the high country.
The mountains will remain this way while most of our daily problems melt into future dilemmas and our children’s children gaze up at them in awe…in retrospect, all the more reason not to take us, and our brief time here, too seriously.
-Uncle Pahgre
Human Species Standings
Homo Sapiens 74 – 3
Home Erectus 34 – 44
Neanderthals 17 – 60
Breakfast in the Andes
Beans, rice, fried plantains , cilantro and aji pimienta. Morning fuel for Paisa kings
HIGH COUNTRY RANCHERS TO START BONSAI HAY CROP INDOORS
(Gunnison) Due to shifting weather patterns ranchers here will start ornamental hay crops indoors in 2020. The plan, the brainchild of a rural alfalfa cadre, suggests that the hay crop be planted in small pots and placed in sunny window spots in late April.
Whether or not the use of new seed, trellises and synthetic fertilizer will be employed was not clarified. Although some ranchers have been hesitant to embrace the indoor growing concept, many have agreed to give it a try.
“I’ve been stubborn about changing the way I grow hay,” said Gabby Crispe, who irrigates 2000 acres near Baldwin, “but this tomato plant approach to hay makes sense. Over the years I’ve seen summer drought, spring flooding hellbent wind and unseasonable frost take their toll. If it ain’t wet weather when the hay’s on the ground its low water when we need more irrigation,” he added. “It’s nothing but a shooting gallery when we count on nature to do our bidding.”
Crispe went on to say that of late nature has been a little lax when it comes to helping the rancher. He stopped short of suggesting that livestock grow their own food since they are an imperative on the food chain, “at least for the present”.
After the initial steps of planting and nurturing the infant hay crop, ranchers will then transplant the seedlings into summer pasture and start the irrigation process just like before.
“Only this time the hay will be a month or two ahead of schedule allowing, with any luck, another cutting or two in the fall,” said an agricultural consultant from Weld County. “Over here we have to be very careful with regards to our image with the recent upheavals.”
The disruption, alluded to above, concerns recent squabbling over water rights, saddle sores and grazing on public lands. The conflict reached heated dimensions last month with the seizure of downtown Greeley by vegetarian paratroopers under Simone Tofu, the hero of Head Cheese Hollow. Although the vegetarians have agreed to negotiations, strategic highlands remain in their hands following a frontal assault my elements of the breakaway Downwind Boys, much feared olfactory ruffians from nearby Ault.
“What in the sam’s hell are you talking about?” asked Emma Vulcan, a longtime Gunnison Valley beekeeper and quasi-animal husbandry technician. “First, you talk about growing hay in little pots in the window then about military actions by armed vegetarians over on the prairie. I was just in Greeley last weekend and everything looks the same as it has since Horace was a boy. I used to believe what I read in your Horseshoe paper but now I’m leaning toward the Gunnison Country Times for my information,” she frowned.
According to sources at Cheyenne Mountain, which does not really exist and all, the town of Greeley was sacked on June 21 in a classic pincher movement by the Down Wind Boys. It was covered in The Times in both Gunnison and New Yrk.
“That was one of the finest martial maneuvers in Prehysteric America! Since Washington crossed the Delaware! Since the formation of the IRS!” said General Worthington Bulbous from his half-bath logistic proximity Colorado Springs bunker. “If I had ten men of that caliber I could retake the Panama Canal, maybe even Canada!”
Meanwhile clay pot shortages and further rumors as to the spread of hemp growing in the region have fallen victim to fears of herd cleansing in the aftermath of Greeley atrocities.
– Earl MacAdoo
Wooery Opens To Rave Reviews
(Ridgway) The nation’s first full-service wooery is now opened and appears well on its way wooing its already burgeoning clientele. Offering private and group wooing as well as woos to go and woos to stay the wooery saw some 3000 persons enjoy being wooed over the weekend.
“We saw a need, a demand, if you will, and we went for it,” said one certified wooster. “No matter what the weather or what the economy people will always pay to be wooed.
Toole Lands on Neptune
(Colona) Astral traveler and daredevil munitions enthusiast, Melvin Toole, 98, has reportedly made a successful ascent to the planet Neptune. According to a spokesman here Toole called at about 4:30 pm to tell friends and well wishers he had safely landed there.
Apparently the trip, political twists aside, went well with no surprises or breakdowns. The actual time of the flight is difficult to determine since Toole stopped most nights and took side trips to historical markers and tourist spots. He said he felt refreshed and relieved after weeks crammed into a tiny space capsule without clothespins or hair oil.
“Right now I’m looking for a nice decal for my suitcase,” he joked. I came here looking to make contact with aliens but the only beings I’ve met are nose-picking primates who watch television all day and sprout opinions all over the backs of their legs.
After a few days chilling out on Neptune Toole plans to depart for Uranus and then on to Pluto for ski season.
The journey, paid for by the Queen of Spain, was first undertaken to bring attention to people who have been cheated out of pensions by giant corporations in the past few years. Toole, an employee of Utopia Mart for 37 years was let go moments before he qualified for retirement benefits and a promised pension. Blinking on the job was cited as the reason.
“I worked all my life,” he whined, “and now I have nothing. I needed a little space.”
-Fred Zeppelin
Bear closures, extended hibernation told
(Ouray) The Colorado Black Bear Coalition has announced the cancellation of its 45th Spring Bruin Tunes and extended the official dates for acceptable hibernation. The developments are expected to severely affect mammals all over the Rockies.
For the flatlander, Bruin Tunes is a popular three-day feast that focuses on the scat art and crafts of dumpster diving, berry picking and home invasions. It often attracts up to 600 bear to the surrounding region prior to tourist season.
In monkeying with longstanding hibernation time parameters, the bruin planners have gone out on a limb, journeying to locales unfamiliar to the cave dwelling caniforms. They have in fact messed with instinct and tradition and now they can never go back, although most don’t know it.
Whether these departures from the norm will deflate response times during the impending fall garbage strike was not discussed according to persons with no knowledge of these events.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Returnee Talks of Hereafter
(Banana Contento) A longtime shell shearer says he’s died and come back for another go round. The local man, whose name was not given, told stories of indirect lighting, great halls, boiling cauldrons of soup and cloud gatherings for tea at three (formal attire mandatory).
In addition he said the place was laid back and no one needed money. Beer was free and the first meal was beans and rice. People spent an hour a day engaged in chores such as pumping clouds and filling feather pillows, he said.
“We wanted to keep his identity secret until the story could be further investigated,’ said a local police spokesperson. “All we need is some pandemic over time travel or heaven’s gate and we’ll never again see a peaceful day.”
The returnee is being held at the Center for Diagnostic Space Dancing, according to an interview a local radio talk host Buster Rutledge of KRAT who was denied access to the facility Friday.
“The whole thing is a hoax. He’s some liberal,” claimed Rutledge, who recently won the Medal of Fodder for finally getting off drugs. “This guy has never been out of the county much less in the Great Beyond. This all reeks of another Democrat attempt to discredit the President.”
Readers may recall when a Colona man, Billy Blastoff returned from Great Beyond in 2018
“It’s a mirror of this world. An enchanted mirror, “ he had said. “Everything is the opposite — a perfectly reproduced reflection. The abyss rather ominous, no? No more madness – No more sense.
“I came back on my bonus ticket*,” he continued “to pick up my fish-eye lens and some sox for all my new friends. It can get chilly in the Evermore.
After a bonafide Wizard of Oz exit in the presence of thousands of disturbed citizens his hot air balloon floated up into the sky and away. He hasn’t been seen for weeks.
*A Bonus Ticket appears to be a premium granted to people who were good on earth but have no desire to return and stay here. They get one quick visit to attend to unfinished business.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
