All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Concern over missile tests “unfounded” say Chinese
(Shanghai) Chinese officials are downplaying recent missile tests, saying they were aimed only at old weather satellites and did not threaten the spirit of cooperation between their country and the rest of the world. Despite protests from a slew of nations concerns remain as to military modernization and China’s intentions in space.
One top-level government official here told The Horseshoe that the missiles, which look a lot like egg rolls are in fact, only egg rolls.
“They are the same egg rolls that we send to the United States as part of the trade deficit,” said one official. “How we project them is our business.”
A recently snapped infra-red photo may reveal an assortment of North Korean missiles, which the Chinese say are only egg rolls. Above we view a group of men condemned for drawing mustaches on Mao posters and scalping NBA tickets. Normally the men would be deported but there’s no place to send them. (Photo by Thumbellina Etchabarron)
U.S. Intelligence head, John “Half” Pint disagrees.
“We are gravely concerned about ground-based ballistic missiles that could be used against us. This latest episode is vital to our interests not to mention the debris fields it creates in space,” he warned. “however we will most likely do nothing about it since we are busy with Iran, Iraq, Somalia, North Korea and the Mexican border.”
Pint did not allude to China’s current coziness with the Philippines or the Coronavirus chaos.
In another developing story, Iran has announced that it will pursue its solar energy program despite weak-kneed United Nations’ opposition. The Trump Administration, a strong opponent of solar energy since it can not as yet be sold for profit, has demanded that Iran cease all experiments.
“You have solar…why can’t we? say Iranian officials.
More moderate voices in the U.S. suggest that we stay out of Persian affairs and let the coming rejection of the Mullahs take its normal course.
“We cannot afford to give the current leaders a common enemy and ally political factions against us,” said a newly elected Democrat, who preferred anonymity until tomorrow’s opinion polls come out.
Economics 101
- “We should teach the poor to breed flowers Everything grows in Uruguay. They can sell them to the rich. There will always be rich. They will do well. …The rich buy flowers. The poor buy food.” – Jose “Pepe” Mjica- President of Uruguay until 2015. from the film “El Pepe – A Supreme Life”
Faithful Traumatized by Damage Deposit Forfeiture
(Limbo) A majority of occupants, calling themselves “religious, but not particularly spiritual”, expressed shock and disbelief at the notion that the Creator would not be returning a damage deposit on the planet earth after humans vacate the premises. Emerging indications verified the fears, confirming the status of humans as “painfully purgatorial at best” by heavenly sources.
The deposit, paid in gold by the now disgraced Adam and Eve, has been held in trust by unnamed archangels since cave drawings depicted visits from outer space and sheep were nervous.
“We need that money to put down as a deposit on a new planet,” cried one of the eternally disappointed. “Coming up with first and last is hellish enough. With our poor credit we’ll never get a loan”
“According to one angel (I’m not just an angel I’m a bloody archangel”) the human experiment has failed.
“They (the renters) seemed peaceful and respectful at first but after that Cain and Abel business things went downhill fast. Their house is a mess and we’re not seeing much interest in cleaning up the yard either. We don’t know how many centuries that might take or what we will do with all of their orbiting possessions.”
For a related story please turn to:
Redneck Apostles Adopted Open Carry Partisanship after Lion’s Den Incident.
“The quiet realization that one has reached Nirvana arrives unannounced when he realizes he does not know which day it is today…only that it is an invention of evil timekeepers.”
– Small Mouth Bess
RANCHERS PRESERVED FOR PERPETUITY
Ridgway) In an attempt to sustain the cowboy culture, seven local ranchers have been preserved thanks to donations from an assortment of conservation entities.
Although details are sketchy at press time (and the cows are in the corn) it appears that the lucky seven have been soaked in a formula of turpentine, ditch water and honey.
“In just a few hours these guys will not only be protected from the elements and aging,” said an open space advocate, “but never again will we see subdivisions built right on top of their heads.”
Local residents, shocked at first by such new age planning, say rampant development threatens to destroy their lifestyle and that 35-acre rancheros and golf courses often crush their cowboy hats.
More on this as we make it up.
“An agnostic is just an atheist without balls.” – Stephen Colbert
FREE SKI AND BOBBY MCGEE
from a few years ago…
…when Crested Butte offered free skiing during a few days early in the season.
with apologies to Kris Kristopherson
Busted flat in Gunnison
waitin’ for the dump.
Been feelin’ bout as jaded
as my means.
Bobby flagged a pickup down
just before it snowed.
Rode it all the way
to Crested Butte.
Held onto my goggles
and my dirty red bandana
banking curves
while Bobby sang the blues.
Hungry magpies
makin’ time
holding Booby’s hand in line
We sang every song
that lift op knew.
Skiing’s just another word
for nothing much to do.
The skiing ain’t worth nothin’
‘less it’s free.
Feelin good was easy, Lord
when he missed a tree.
Feelin good was good
enough for me
Good enough for free ski
and Bobby McGee.
One day near East River
Lord, I let him slip away
He’s lookin’ for those bumps
and I hope he finds them
And I’d trade all my adventures
for one single powder day
to be holdin’ Bobby’s body
next to mine.
(Repeat chorus).
