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Under the Covers – Book Reviews

Reading requires a degree of self-isolation while traveling magically to other worlds and embracing challenges that not only provide serenity but provide knowledge, raw and refined. Otherwise life turns to batshit real quick.

Here are a few suggestions to keep you on the right side of the lifestyles we are experiencing it at the present time.

*How I Learned to Trust White People Again” from Juliene Pettifogger the author of the best seller Don’t Squat with Your Spurs in Third Gear and the sensual thriller A Horse Can Be Course – The Swinger Scandals of Wilbur and Carol Post. The stories are humdrum and the title has nothing to do with the content but the author manages to generate over 60,000 adjectives and adverbs in a cheaply produced paperback. Perfect for a rainy day or a redoubt from a meteor storm. It’s a must read.

“How to mine uranium” Talk about hands-on help in the era of vague interpretation and philosophical debris, this collection of stories and how to do it advice is a treasure even if you’re not interested in digging in the ground. The characters have emerged as brave extractors, not detractors from a profitable, yet highly controversial subject. Sadly, not once does the author undress the rhino-in-the-room like he does in Will Raiders Fans Still Dress Like Pro Wrestlers in Las Vegas? Atila Diggins coughed up what we hope will be the first of many non-fiction offerings, after his Naturita dance studio wine bar closed due to the pandemic.

A slew of books on political intrigue are on the horizon this summer with “The Bourbons: Royals of Appalachia”  leading the charge. This book of short subjects includes the popular Back to Kentucky in the Trunk of a Cadillac where a whiney Mitch McConnell is passed over as Derby King. “The hilarious Dummy’s Guide to the Hostile takeover of America” chronicles the diabolic brain washing of the angry and unrefined. The Unofficial Autobiography of Mitch carefully details acquisitions and mergers by no longer essential politicians who get rich on America’s tab. If you like any of these be sure to peruse Goshen to Grundy in a Bullet-proof Limo which could be Lacey “Curtain” Zapato’s finest work. It is expected in bookstores by late August.

Sweet dreams are only a snore away with The Bedtime Book of Hand Grenades. The three volume set is perfect for slow readers although the pictures are not always explained. Perfect for those who love to wear fatigues but don’t join the army for fear of being killed. Includes a slick, impressive fashion pull-out and the lyrics to a host of German marching tunes from the 30s. Retired metal forces colonel, Tufts Bearcat wrote the majority of the book while planning the invasion of Iran in 2015. Liner notes market the action-packed composition as “victories, gruesome tales and hairy escapes that would make a drill sergeant cry”.  Bearcat is most famous for his anthology Hemmingway’s Pencil, the first novel to use intimate objects as its main characters.

– Finn McCool

New $10,000 bills exclude poorer Americans

Business News

(Fort Knocks) The newly minted and much publicized $10,000 bill will not be available to the general public it was announced today. Excluding the impoverished and the dwindling middle class from the upgrade, the move once again stacks the deck in favor of those who already have all the money.

One affluent and well insulated inequality pioneer sneered at the prospect of sharing the wealth with those fiscally beneath him.

Saying that poor Americans “would only hurt themselves with the swollen currency”, billionaire, Invidious T. Morganthau, told us: “Only the well- heeled will have the money to buy these and use the currency properly,” he sniffed? “It’s a non-issue.”

The author of the rarely reviewed Caucasians at the Racetrack continued, insisting that the bills would swiftly cease to be a premium or even fall out of circulation if the poor had access to them.

“They would get them dirty,” he said, “whereas the rich would keep them in their safes and take them out only clean them and to show off down at the country club,” he explained.

“Imagine these valuable bills circulating depressed neighborhoods. They’d be either spent on drugs or stolen,” he continued. Think of the counterfeiting that would go on in back alleys and crack houses.”

“And what would the great unwashed have to put up for collateral anyway?” he mused. “Dangerous thinking of this type needs to be eradicated before our big, beautiful feudalistic with freedom for all system is obliterated. Moat or no moat, private armies or not, brain washing be damned — there are still more of them than us.”

Other brahmans chimed in saying the entire matter was ludicrous.

“Most of these types have never even seen a $100 bill much less one of these $10,000 babies,” offered Wyatt Wyatt, another silver spoon pirate who has managed to spin his boyhood inheritance into a vast fortune by selling defective condoms in emerging nations.

“Just look at the average life expectancy of a hundred dollar bill in the hands of the desperate for instance. They get it and spend it right away. They have no sense of financial management or the dangers of inflation. I have witnessed this behavior time and time again in my career,” he shook his head.

While Donald the Trump will grace the $10,000 bill, a second minting will feature The Rogue Supreme Court on the front with a fully camouflaged Mike Pence on the back. The $5000 will be minted only through the summer season as a souvenir or keepsake for wealthy Russian tourists who can still afford a vacation in the U.S.

Where to get yours: Contact White House Brokers across from the Conflict of Interest Memorial or at any of our 50 Wall Street locations. Potential buyers must show white-collar tax records (of some kind) and proof of net worth. And remember what your your banker says: Just because you may have earned your first paycheck from questionable commerce is no indiction that you should rely on this alternate markets to secure these monetary units at your new found status.

“The average American does not understand money or have respect for large sums,” smiled Morganthau. “It would be instant anarchy if these bills spilled out into the mainstream.”

– Fred Zeppelin

HOBO TRAIN SCHEDULE

Montrose, Colorado

Tuesdays          Between 2 pm and 4 pm

Watchman takes coffee break at 3:15

Thursdays          Between 3 pm and 5 pm

No watchman

Mondays, Wednesdays and Weekend Days

No train at all.

ATTENTION PLEASE

All visitors to this region who plan to travel at altitudes above 10,000 feet should change the air in their automobile tires before attempting such a feat. Simply consult your Big Brother government issued topographic air map or ask any service station technician. Remember: Keen minds save lives!

TOURISTS RECALLED

Tourist model #8819-AA has been recalled by the cosmic factory due to a series of defects according to sources unfamiliar with these occurrences.

“Model #8819-AA has obvious problems, as many of you out there have already encountered,” said a factory rep who demanded animosity.

Residents may notice a sharp decline in appearances of this model until February when the #8819-AA will be reintroduced into the general population.

Leper Colonies May Reopen

(Molokai) The nation’s remaining leper colonies will reopen for business this morning according to federal officials in the region. Homeland Security and FBI contingents, having intercepted medical masks and ventilators at gunpoint, say the threat of viral eruptions in now minimal there.

“It’s the old adage rearing it’s ugly head once again in the face of common sense,’” said Burt Favela who fills the vacant position as executive director of the Hawaii GOP. “Just because you were born on the bus do you deserve free bus rides for life?” he asked

The distinctly overweight Favela, who has been described as a corpulent leper by adversaries, told friendly news media that he thinks everyone should pull his own weight whether they have leprosy or not.

In other news Hawaii Governor David Ige says he disagrees with a Trump proclamation calling meat-processing plants essential during the pandemic.

“Will this include spam?” joked the governor.

– Neville Hoser

McConnell: “Free Electoral College for every American”

Mitch “Kentucky Windage*” McConnell today promised free electoral college tuition for all Americans in return for concessions from Democrats regarding drilling rights to the Moon.

McConnell claimed that his constituency in Kentucky was already receiving this entitlement but few as yet have applied for this latest privilege.

“Senator McConnell doesn’t even care how you voted this is his gift to the people of Kentucky and all Americans,” said a closet aide.

Unreliable sources in Lexington say they have no knowledge of this offer or qualifications for the program.

“We’re still waiting for test kits,” said one angry representative who plans to vote for Amy McGrath for Senate in November.

– Mimi  Footlettuce

Kentucky Windage is the practice of applying a horizontal adjustment of the point of aim for wind (windage) without the use of any physical or mechanical adjustments on the weapon, basketball or the aroma after a hearty meal of soup beans and cornbread.

Are you going to spend eternity in Hell ? Take our aptitude test

Our team down in Hell is reaching out to you…

Choose the one that doesn’t fit?

a. Jesus came back to the US all right, but he got deported.

b. Jesus was homeless in his thirties

c. Jesus will be back later today or tomorrow, or maybe next week.

d Jesus is not going anywhere. Why would he?

On what level 1- 10 to you agree with the following?

a. People on Federal Assistance are communists.

b. God does not love Iranians or Yankees

c. Hell isn’t so bad as long as you have en suite.

d. It’s OK to hate people of color just so long as you love Jesus

Who do you look toward for spiritual guidance on earth?

a. My stock broker

b My personal trainer

c the garbage man

d. the guys and gals in produce..

If you were called down to hell today what would you want to bring with you?

a. my electric fan and Jared Kushner

b. my bronco tickets and Jared Kushner

c. a sack of tacos and Jared Kushner

d. comfortable shoes and Jared Kushner

Where did you first hear of Hell?

a. on the golf course

b. my preacher

c. a fallen angel told me

d. ads on CNN

Why do you think you should be spared from eternal damnation?

a. Because I have always had nice teeth

b. because I cannot tolerate running short of ice cubes

c. because I haven’t finished my last bottle of single malt

d. because I am wealthy

Choose your biggest fear.

a. a meteor will hit my TV antenna

b I will have to walk more than 400 feet in one “outing”

c Wal-Mart will be closed forever when I get there

d. my children will turn out like me

Relay your fondest moment on earth

a. the day I figured out that hot dogs won’t kill me, right away

b. buying discount ammo

c. when I found out how to operate a drone while asleep

d. the day my cat returned, after a 12-year absence.

Hell originated due to

a. an accident on I-25

b. the need for a place without social distancing

c. overcrowding in the Congress

d some old fart inattentively burning ditches in the spring wind

Which of the following best describes your take on Satan and his agenda?

a. I don’t think he cares about the poor or the forgotten all that much.

b. He couch surfs the mega churches.

c. Everyone knows he’s a great shortstop but can’t hit the curve

d. Does he have golf courses and live in a white mansion just a quick step away from oblivion?

Describe the topography and weather in hell

a. flat, hot, windy

b. asphalt walls and ceilings, cool nights

c. simultaneous flooding, drought and pro wrestling upstairs

d. everything is uphill, high humidity, no trees, rats

Who else do you think is already in hell?

a. Hitler and Stalin

b The Conquistadors, the Pharisees, John Chivington and Andrew Jackson

c Marie Antoinette and Louis XIV, along with Napoleon.

d. Your Uncle Bob from Grand Junction

Which of the following are major concerns to both the proprietors and residents of hell?

a The Second Amendment

b flies

c global warming

d eating a healthy breakfast

More next week