All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
BLACK BEAR NEWS
COLORADO LEGISLATURE TO ADDRESS BEAR TRESPASSING.
Less forage, more mountain homes and an increase in the bruin population, are just a few of the bugaboos blamed for an increase in bruin break-ins this fall.
Clever camp raids, damage to poultry salons, garden and orchard encroachments, and one Colona beehive colony/apiarist cadre are all a part of the seasonal chaos. Local elders here are bound and determined to do something about it.
We’ll pass a law and send out a press release everyone will be happy,” said one urban Democrat.
“Let’s just expand the hunting season on bear” said a rural GOP source, “and blast the intruders”.
In autumn on the Western Slope bear can be easily observed crossing deserted fairways, punctuating the dumpster trail, devoting hours to gobbling up apples and apricots, and frightening tourists as well as remodeling gardens and trashing anything that gets in the way of their big, empty stomachs.
“Enough is enough. Who do they think they are?” asked Congressman Wiley “Mackerel” White (R-Atlantis), who has maintained that office since 1954 and is up for reelection in 2020. “We need strict laws that clearly forbid bear from violating private property. These are thugs. Maybe a leash law could be somehow employed?”
But who would be at the business end of this kind of savage bridle?
“These are not your playtime teddy bears. These are wild and dangerous predators and prowlers,” stressed White who admits he has never seen a bear or been in the forest but who vehemently called for a curfew and expanding the local police force.
Pence Promises Rain, Eaten by Bear
(Malfunction) In a speech before enthusiastic supporters here Vice President Bill Pence pledged to make in rain. In what has evolved as a familiar melody he didn’t say exactly when or where. Colorado is in the midst of a severe drought (since it is a desert and all) and the population continues to tax not only water (DIA suburb fiascos and Brown Clouds be damned) but every other conceivable commodity that used to be sufficient to insulate the cosmic flow.
Well-financed developers, caught with their plump little butts in the DIA Land Grab Scandal that will become old news in days, applauded the left field promise as if it was their own.
Sadly, moments after delivering what many are now calling a posthumous sermon, Pence was attacked and eaten by one of several large black bears marauding Reichstag Trailer Park, named for the original landmark in Berlin, Germany.
“We’ve seen a lot of bears hanging out over there lately but none so brazen as the brute that viciously attacked our beloved vice president. They even ate all the Trump signs.”
Sources on POX News blamed cowardly Democrats for the incident although none were within 10 miles of “the assault on our American way of life by Communists in bear suits.”
– Myrna Guppies-Treblehooke
“A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in.”
-Greek proverb
Bedwedder-Toole looks solid on Bingo Platform
(Wimpton UPS) With his heralded slogan “Ostracize Ignorance” under his arm, Melvin Bedwedder-Toole looks like a cinch to be the next dog catcher here.
“His nomination was the key” said House Squeaker Errol Herring, beaming with curious sound bytes, simpleton phrases and weak metaphors. “Now his election is a lock.”
Even with the the mildly annoying bow-tie and suspender getup he attracts a lot of attention within the female electorate and, although a mindless twit, secures carelessly cast votes on the basis of perceived persona and a deep understanding of cosmetics.
“I don’t know,” quipped Bedwedder-Toole, “but since I began wearing a medical mask I meet a lot more single women. I must have been butt ugly without one.”
Toole had his face done in 2001 and his forehead enlarged in 2015.
The clear choice of the big-bellied party bosses and the emaciated foot soldiers looking to retake the Senate, Toole is nothing more than partisan arm candy say detractors.
“What a campaign dumb slogan,” said one. “What’s up with the big, clumsy bird reference?” quacked one perplexed voter. “Isn’t this reference redundant? How does the intelligence level of one of these feather-duster, flightless birds translate?”
The sometime Earth Is Flat advocate takes a break in the Sechura Desert near Mancora, Peru in 2010
A former Know Nothing councilman from Moline before relocating to the Confront Range Toole quickly filed papers claiming “proof the earth is flat” in 1998.
Readers may recall the “If it was round people would be falling over onto their noses”assertion of the day. Many will remember, with just a hint of irony, the controversial Fallen Noses Postulate which dictated foreign policy in these United States since the Philistine Insurrection of 1899.
Despite accusations that Toole has been killing pine beetles and selling the meat in Canada, his rival for the coveted animal control post has exhumed no dirt on the clean geneToole
In a related development: According to White House hominids new running mate Vladimir Putin has balked at accepting the vice presidential slot in November. Reeling from accusations that he has poisoned yet another political rival, this time Alexei Navalny, Putin has requested diplomatic refugee status. He hopes to open a vareniki shack like the ones in Coney Island, specializing in herring and vinegar this spring.
“He’s thinking of Rehoboth Beach or Kiptopeke with their burgeoning Russian populations,” said a spokesman for the banished Czar.
Pence was placed on Injured Reserve Thursday after a 10-round wrestling match with Nancy Pelosi. Reportedly his makeup cracked and cannot be repaired. Now even Trump can see through him. Pence had purchased a one-way ticket to Mars but has settled for his Indianapolis estate to practice extended self-isolation/obligatory meditation.
– Tiny Tagalog
Secretary of Navy Blamed for Trump Parade Fiasco
Trump Dunk Claims Five Sunken Craft on Lake Travis
(Austin, TX) It is now old news that a nautical parade of boats on Lake Travis near here failed to hold water Saturday. The flotilla, in support of Donald Trump’s reelection, saw five boats sink according to the Travis County Sheriff’s Department.
The loss of the vessels is only the latest in a rough week for the orange golfing president who has yet to confirm a likely shakeup over the incident. Inside sources at the White House told POX News that the president might replace Kenneth J Braithwaite, the recently appointed Secretary of the Navy.
“He is looking for someone to take the heat and divert attention from his ridiculous supporters,” said a Texas congressman who is not overweight and does not have orange hair. “Whether he’ll make a scene so close to the election is not clear.”
Rumors suggest that Trump would replace the current secretary with Jared Kushner or another cold-blooded, warm body until the dust settles.
Detractors laughingly suggested that global warming affected the weather conditions said to be quite calm at the beginning of yet another clown act by the Trump base.
“Maybe God did it,” said another rescue worker. “It could be that he doesn’t like these kinds of humans. Can higher powers see through the idiocy? At least 45 didn’t blame Barrack Obama for the mishap, as has often been the pattern.”
One of the rescued vessels sat for two days at the bottom of the lake. “It’s US and Trump flags still waved underwater” according to the local newspaper.
“Weather conditions on Lake Travis were calm. When a large number of boats began moving together, the wakes generated large waves in areas where participating boats were dense,” the sheriff’s office said.
“They got caught up in wake-generated waves in excess of what their boats could handle,” said TCSO
The status of the current Secretary of the Navy, or quite possibly his replacement, was not known at press time.
-Gabby Haze
Antipasta getting people in Peach Valley
The White House today announced that the left-wing, anarchist terrorist group, Antipasta, has been grabbing citizens off the street at night in the Western Colorado settlement of Peach Valley.
What the Marxist, atheist, pawns of Beijing have in mind for their victims was unclear, although the worst is expected. These radicals are known to hate America as well as spaghetti, noodles, elbow macaroni, and linguini despite the fact that many of them are named Alfredo after Joseph Stalin.
“They want to hurt God and the Bible but they’re starting in small steps,” said Noah Crutch, a local Republican liter. “We have reason to believe they have nukes and are aligned with Venezuela and Iran. Then they want to take out guns!”
A report on POX News accused Antipasta of operating re-education camps in Cuba and North Korea but later back peddled claiming the station had never aired the allegation.
-Fred Zeppelin
“It’s easier to build strong children than repair broken men (and women).”
– Frederick Douglass.
Hashishistan Elects Fudd in Absentia
(Kief) Voters here in the frigid bounds of Eurasia have overwhelmingly approved longtime outfitter Elmer Fudd as Prime Minister for another four years.
After counting ballots overnight it became clear Fudd had not only prevailed but had trounced his opponent Vladimir Buggs by an astounding margin of 3 –1.
With 80% of the returns in, Fudd was projected as the clear winner although Buggs has claimed fraud and has threatened to demand a recount.
The designated head of government here appeared to be enjoying the balloting that approved his radical agenda. Supporters say he watched the entire event on pumped in Canadian television between hockey games and polar bear sightings.
A controversial campaign promise calls for the immediate and effective end to the rabbit holes that have devastated the economy. One segment even outwardly encourages hunting for rabbit in the wilderness of icy cartoon woodlands nearby.
Fudd then promised that “qualified others will run the show here” while he is beach combing and dining on paella and Serrano ham, well out of range of political enemies.
He and his cronies have been accused in the disappearances of over 30 political opponents and critics over the past tenure. Denying all allegations related to those who have vanished, Fudd supporters say many have taken refuge within Disney Studios while others have descended into the lower reaches of the comic book culture where lower life expectancy is only an ink splotch away.
As the choice of cuisine might indicate the newly invigorated icon is believed to be residing somewhere in the Mediterranean “Where the weather suits my clothes”. * It is doubtful whether he will return to Hashishistan before spring.
-Fred Zeppelin
*as deceased singer/ songwriter Harry Nielson once penned in Midnight Cowboy.
Many US statues pulling up stakes
(Richmond, VA) A vast cross-section of sculptures, effigies, figurines, bronzes and even some busts are off to greener pastures for fear of being toppled, disfigured or defaced in the suddenly trendy, anti-racist frolic here in the US.
Most of those at risk are headed to Easter Island where they have been granted temporary refugee status. Some other statues are reportedly steaming toward Kampuchea, Venice and the Colossus of Rhodes.
International icons such as Peter the Great, the Little Mermaid and a glut of Buddhas say they are sit-in it out hoping the massacre will not paddle across oceans into their domains.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Let’s not confuse Jim Crow with Robert E Lee. Them Yankees don’t give a lick for you Bessie.” – The Statue of Liberty to former house slave, Bessie Wonder, New Orleans 1866 from the film “Bone With the Wind”
