All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Halloween – A Celtic Thing
From the outside, this website looks pretty basic, but it gets complicated fast. The publisher is in Pahrump this week, engaged in beach frolic while the often responsible managing editor is out betting against the Broncos. That leaves me here with Freddy Kruegar, The Mummy and an assortment of zombies, vampires and skeletons on a slow news day no less, to do everything. Morbid decorations.
Let’s see here then…halitosis….hallelujah…ah yes, Halloween. It seems the perfect fantasy matter for late October.
While the observation of Halloween in this country carries an array of perceptions and conceptions, it is quite a different experience on the Celtic Isles of Scotland and Ireland where the Hallow E’en celebration or Oiche Samhain originated. To the Pre-Christian Celts, Halloween was a sacred pagan holy day where it was believed that the spirits of the dead could return to their former life and make contact with the spirits of the living. In that ancient society, dominated by the enlightened and mysterious Druids, Halloween was an end of the summer fire feast where the gods were thanked for a rich harvest.
The Manx called it Hoptu Naa and the Welsh called it Calan Gaeaf. In the Gaeltacht of Western Ireland the people call the celebration Pooky Night, named after the mischievous Puka, a fairy of some regard. Either way it was all pretty much the same big carnival at a time of the year when the crops were in and magic was said to be most potent. In addition, it represented the mid-point in the Celtic calendar and the entry into the dark phase of the year.
The tradition of costumes originates on these islands too. Where merrymakers would mimic or placate the dead with painted faces and ghoulish attire. They were short on super hero outfits, and pre-fab plastics with accessories, so they had to rely on the magic itself to pull off their disguise. In Ireland and Scotland today many people simply done the white face paint and black robes in an attempt to continue this tradition – the cycle of birth and death in line with the order and harmony of the universe…a far cry from our commercial Halloween.
The practice of trick or treat (called mumming in Ireland) has been traced to the Celts too, as well as the Romans who invaded England. These conquerors sought to honor their Goddess Pomona, protector of the harvest, whose symbol was the apple, now an inherent part of Halloween celebrations. All of these feasts carried the unifying belief in the powerful symbolism of the moving dead, prayed for by the living
All was well until puffy Pope Boniface IV decided that people were having too much fun. He turned the whole shooting match into a holy day of obligation where the faithful faced mandatory Mass attendance and an assortment of petty restrictions. Excommunication was never far away, lurking in the darkness of the Vatican vault or cleverly veiled amid centuries of macabre masquerade. The Pope could not accept the idea of a special day for all of the dead so he turned it into a day for just the blessed dead…All Saints Day. If you didn’t go along with the Pope on this one your crops would fail and your livestock would die mysteriously. Blasphemers, pontifically defined, would certainly spend eternity in the Netherworld at unending barbecue mode.
The Jack-O-Lantern also came from these isles but was carved from a large turnip since pumpkins were not indigenous to the Irish soil. The legend tells of a greedy gambler, Stingy Jack, who once tricked the devil and was condemned to eternally wander the earth at night. The lantern was placed outside to help him find his way and, possibly to keep him out of the flower beds, off the lawn and from peeking in the windows. The more bountiful pumpkin, used today to create the frightening, toothy faces on the jack-o-lantern, only came into play after early settlers brought it back to Europe (along with the potato) from the Americas.
Although the origins of our Halloween are clearly Celtic, Day of the Dead observances are popular in Mexico, Egypt, Guatemala, and the Caribbean. In Michoacan, Oaxaca, Chaipas and Merida, on the Yucatan children receive little chocolate sculls and families build altars piled high with food and the things the deceased loved one enjoyed in life. The altars are then decorated with marigolds to honor the dead. Pan de muertos (Bread of the dead) is baked to accentuate the feasting.
In Chichicastenango, Guatemala a massive procession begins at one end of town and snakes to the other. Along with the Jesus and Mary statues the alternative Creole deity, Rahsheeman, rides elevated through the streets. Sugar cane liquor is everywhere. Cannons are fired and bedlam is not far off. Up father north, at haunting Nebaj, the naturales engage in inebriated horse races which are quite a sight to behold (from the sidelines with a plate of Hilachas).
In Cariacou, Grenada the party starts in the evening at the local boneyard where graves are turned into bars and everyone toasts dead relatives throughout the night. Fortune telling takes second fiddle to the consumption of under-de-counta (under the counter) a fortified (99% proof) rum from Trinidad fermented with spices and reputed aphrodisiacs. Now these folks really know how to throw a party. Chevere Boo, Babies !
-Kevin Haley
Campaign Workers Should Plead Insanity
Yet Another Whining Editorial
(Chicago) Campaign workers, still convinced that their chosen candidate represents the panacea, the solution, should plead insanity when confronted with recent childish behavior during the elections.
Comparing typical responses of enthusiasm to canned laughter, critics of the process say opiated followers only encourage politicians to ignore the real issues and allow these charade masters to misrepresent the truth.
“These glazed over straw hat provincials are the core of what’s wrong with our electoral process,” said one political analyst who has already projected a winner in the 2024 and 2028 Presidential races.
To many delegates and party-liners the whole process is just a big party. The association with a given candidate gives the volunteer worker a does of validity in an otherwise often stumblebum existence. They ride the coat-tails of their chosen one to victory, claiming that they had a small part. Their responses are inappropriate, their souls tainted by the two-party system. Most couldn’t pass a high school civics test.
They cheer enthusiastically when their candidate spouts more tired rhetoric or passes wind. It’s all the same to them. The politician promises to help the farmers…They cheer madly. He/she pledges relief for the working poor…The house comes down. The candidate paints a picture of himself as the messiah…They are brought to the edge of righteousness, tears in their blind eyes.
– Hashad Haddock
Congress Reschedules Colonoscopies Until After Elections
(Warshinkton) The United States Congress today rescheduled a group colonoscopy for November 6, three days after the coming election. The sudden shift affects 50 senators and over 80 representatives.
“We have been on hold here since Obamacare so what’s another month?” asked Winnie Kampachi (Unitarian-MT).
The reason given for the cancellations was quite vague as has become customary within the governing body. Some say the simple surgery will conflict with last minute campaigning while others expressed concern that their medical results may get lost in the mail now that the USPS has been castrated.
“Considering the scope of things here most of our “leaders” don’t want to be on-camera until they can better analyze the polls in the days preceding homecoming at their designated Electoral College.
Politicians in the loser’s seat after November 3 are in heated debate over what constitutes a pre-existing condition and what is clearly cranium-rectal disorder, easily treated with overpriced robber baron pharmaceuticals.
The Congress will not be in session on the day of the colonoscopies despite the fact that the intrusive checkup is an outpatient procedure.
– Hal A. Butt
Edible Campaign Literature Another Biodegradable Promise?
(Turtle Farm, KY) Scientists today announced stunning successes in the quest to develop edible campaign literature. Nine of ten control groups report no negative impact nor loss of nutritional values after the consumption of straw hats, distorted flags, cheap paper vests, yard signs, bobble-heads, bumper stickers, photo handouts and related propaganda connected to any and all elections.
The volunteer subjects were deprived of regular meals and cocktail hour while subsisting on unidentified and recycled vitals, not associated with traditional food. After three months, physicians and research analysts are optimistic. In December the new cuisine, if deemed safe, will be introduced at participating fast food outlets from sea to shining sea.
“It tastes like the tomatoes that are picked green and sent up here,” said one participant.
In addition to lightening the seasonal load at local dumps, hopes are high that American voters will not go hungry, even in non-election years. Estimates are that even a portion of the promotional garbage generated in a typical two-candidate dogcatcher race could feed three emerging countries for a year.
“With what most Americans eat now anything would be an improvement from a health aspect,” said one leading scientist.
Supporting these theories is Deep Derby Dialysis, a leading Bluegrass research institute on genetic and alternate foods. “Man will soon see the day when he can munch on a billboard or swallow an election button without consideration,” it attests.
The embrace of unorthodox or unconventional rations is now non-partisan, primarily due to an unresponsive two-party system that is hyper-jealous of its elevated status and quite afraid that the people will realize its scams and kick out the perpetrators of these offenses. The vastness of arrogant waste and mindlessly squandered material during an election campaign has jolted many designated participants.
…a two-party system quite jealous of its elevated status and afraid that the people will realize its scams and kick out the perpetrators of these offenses
Recent opinion polls have strongly reflected a disgust with money spent campaigning and politicians in general. A majority favor less hype and more money spent on global warming research, health, education and housing.
“The mindless pollution advanced by these carpetbaggers is immoral,” said Omar Silverton, a retired pollster. “Both sides act like they are engage in a high school prom queen selection. And we haven’t even began to discussion on television’s impact and lucrative money laundering opportunities there.”
Nonetheless along with biodegradable promises flung about in the autumn of their lives, frightened politicians on the left and right continue to back the breakthrough concept of edible election litter as a viable solution to a slew of mounting problems as the nation slides swiftly into the mundane.
– Fred Zeppelin
BLACK BEAR NEWS
COLORADO LEGISLATURE TO ADDRESS BEAR TRESPASSING.
Less forage, more mountain homes and an increase in the bruin population, are just a few of the bugaboos blamed for an increase in bruin break-ins this fall.
Clever camp raids, damage to poultry salons, garden and orchard encroachments, and one Colona beehive colony/apiarist cadre are all a part of the seasonal chaos. Local elders here are bound and determined to do something about it.
We’ll pass a law and send out a press release everyone will be happy,” said one urban Democrat.
“Let’s just expand the hunting season on bear” said a rural GOP source, “and blast the intruders”.
In autumn on the Western Slope bear can be easily observed crossing deserted fairways, punctuating the dumpster trail, devoting hours to gobbling up apples and apricots, and frightening tourists as well as remodeling gardens and trashing anything that gets in the way of their big, empty stomachs.
“Enough is enough. Who do they think they are?” asked Congressman Wiley “Mackerel” White (R-Atlantis), who has maintained that office since 1954 and is up for reelection in 2020. “We need strict laws that clearly forbid bear from violating private property. These are thugs. Maybe a leash law could be somehow employed?”
But who would be at the business end of this kind of savage bridle?
“These are not your playtime teddy bears. These are wild and dangerous predators and prowlers,” stressed White who admits he has never seen a bear or been in the forest but who vehemently called for a curfew and expanding the local police force.
Pence Promises Rain, Eaten by Bear
(Malfunction) In a speech before enthusiastic supporters here Vice President Bill Pence pledged to make in rain. In what has evolved as a familiar melody he didn’t say exactly when or where. Colorado is in the midst of a severe drought (since it is a desert and all) and the population continues to tax not only water (DIA suburb fiascos and Brown Clouds be damned) but every other conceivable commodity that used to be sufficient to insulate the cosmic flow.
Well-financed developers, caught with their plump little butts in the DIA Land Grab Scandal that will become old news in days, applauded the left field promise as if it was their own.
Sadly, moments after delivering what many are now calling a posthumous sermon, Pence was attacked and eaten by one of several large black bears marauding Reichstag Trailer Park, named for the original landmark in Berlin, Germany.
“We’ve seen a lot of bears hanging out over there lately but none so brazen as the brute that viciously attacked our beloved vice president. They even ate all the Trump signs.”
Sources on POX News blamed cowardly Democrats for the incident although none were within 10 miles of “the assault on our American way of life by Communists in bear suits.”
– Myrna Guppies-Treblehooke
“A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in.”
-Greek proverb
