All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Fed Head Shrinking Slammed by Physicians
(Ridgway) Local doctors here agree that a secret plan to shrink heads over at the Federal Reserve will due little to stimulate the sluggish economy. The controversial approach, used by primitive tribes for centuries, sidesteps the real reasons for the fiscal decline they say.
“Why would the government want to embrace such dark age policies when there are plenty of drugs to prescribe?” asked one doctor. “This leap into mirrors, charms and notions is ridiculous until we have exhausted pharmaceutical options,” she said. “Before we know it they’ll be pushing nutrition and a lot of other weird New Age propaganda down our collective throats. Now open wide and cough.”
In undressing the core problem, some at the Federal Reserve have suggested that greed, and not the common cold are to blame for the crisis. Many have gone out on a limb and suggest that, in reality, only a few heads would be reduced to get the attention of the masses.
“We realize shrinking heads is frightening and may seem a little extreme, but if the gov’ment thinks it will work who are you, the American people to argue with the experts?” asked one Fed source, speaking on behalf of his perceived constituency. “All these big heads have created the problem and now it’s time to downsize.”
The exact methodology to be employed in the head shrinking was not disclosed but insiders suggest that bonus baby CEOs would go first.
-Zorro DesPlants
“My chain-smoking doctor told me that potato, rather than grain vodka was the way to go with treating gout. So I went him one better and doubled my daily dosage. I could feel the affects lost overnight.”
– Uncle Pahgre
IRISH MINERS UNEARTH MASSIVE GUINNESS VEIN
(Allihies, West Cork Eire) Miners digging potatoes on the Beara Peninsula have discovered the largest vein of Guinness Stout known to man or beast. Ascending from the Finn McCool Mine, workers could barely contain themselves with the talk of eternal flows and a return to the good old days when a pint was less than two Irish pounds.
The find, at the foot of the Mashed Potato Mountains, appears to be almost twice the size of a similar discovery registered near Ballyferriter in 1923. The dark ruby liquid found here contains a much higher level of barley, a major ingredient in the porter brewing process.
“The isinglass finings from fish air bladders common to most Guinness samples is absent here,” said Brian O’Sullivan, head mining engineer at McCool. “That means vegetarians can enjoy a glass. It’s a great day for the thirsty!”
The quiet village of Allihies, at the end of the Beara Peninsula, near the site of the discovery.
O’Sullivan said the mine was not concerned with rampant high grading on the part of workaday miners.
“Even these lads can’t carry out enough to make a dent in the supply,” he smiled.
The first Guinness deposit was revealed during a particularly gruesome hurling match (between Clontarf and River Liffey) by one James “The Gallant” Markey near Dublin in 1869. At the time people here thought it was a gift from the saints. Later it became apparent that these veins were quite rare indeed and common only to Ireland.
The find seems to be intact and after preliminary tapping is expected to flow for decades, glutting the market and driving down the price of a pint here in Ireland. How it will affect the price of Guinness worldwide was not known at present.
The Archdiocese of Cork is calling the discovery a miracle and has petitioned the Pope for recognition.
“Holy Mother the Church can smell a farthing from across the continent. Everybody wants in on the action,” said O’Sullivan, of nearby Healy Pass. “Our family has been making poteen with hickory, ash and oak fires , down in a hole under what is now my brother’s house since 1792 and the Vatican hasn’t once been by for a visit. Meanwhile the local vicar, has developed quite a taste for our single pot whiskey. He says it helps him write his fiery sermons.”
Once assayed, the “ore” will be shipped to Dublin for further pasteurizing and then drained carefully into kegs for safekeeping. Most of the stout will be stored in kegs and quite a bit of it will remain underground where it now resides at perfect the temperature for sipping.
“It’s like winning the Lotto,” said one bystander, glass in hand. “We haven’t seen anything like this since the Vikings came for tea.”
– Suzie Compost
TEXAS BIGGER THAN ALASKA – WCSU GEOGRAPHY DEPT.
Composted by Western Colorado State University Snooze Services
The state of Texas is about three hundred yards larger than the state of Alaska according to a study completed by the Western Geography Department in 2018. The findings, which conflict with a long held belief to the contrary, surfaced after extensive study in the area of shoreline erosion and ice pack statistics. The news was received with great jubilation in the Lone Star State while response in Alaska was less than enthusiastic.
“We think that it’s about time someone corrected these misinterpretations of natural law,” said a source in downtown Boyd (Texas). “For years we have suffered irreparable psychological and emotional damage by having to live with this cruel lie.”
From Juneau one legislator spat, “What do these kids know anyway! Most of them couldn’t find their way to Denver on a clear day.”
A leading news source up north, The Juneau What, echoed these sentiments, warning that Alaska has far more bear than any state and “knows how to use them”.
“The animals that have been encouraged to eat Texans will now see expanded menu items that include tourists from Western Colorado this summer. How these bruins have survived on berries is a miracle in itself but they too must get their protein,” said Jeff Brown, of the prestigious Cal Polygamy Cartoon Clinic, on loan to the What.
In addition to these stark findings, the geography department has determined that the Pacific Ocean is far wetter than the Atlantic and that, of all the locales in North America, the topographic realities of the city of Grand Junction most resemble the lunar surface.
A source within the geography department told The Horseshoe that his colleagues would stand fast on the findings no matter how controversial this whole sideshow becomes.
“We were as surprised as anyone when these facts emerged,” she said, “and pleased with all the donations earmarked for further study that have been arriving from Texas since the weekend.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Mother Nature Completes Anger Management Classes
(Delta) A clearly relaxed Mother Nature has successfully completed court-ordered anger management classes here in record time leading even cynics to believe she has calmed down. The last few years have seen hurricanes, drought and polar melt occurring at unprecedented rates leading to the mandatory sentence.
“We can’t tell if she has been rehabilitated or if she is just putting on a show,” said one emotions counselor who says he enjoys thunderstorms.
Although on unsupervised parole, for the next two years Mother Nature will be granted full mobility and access to former associates the wind and rain.
“It’s easy to see why she got angry in the first place,” said the counselor. “How would you like it if people trashed your yard?”
Authorities are taking a wait and see approach to further legal action against the former defendant.
“It dawned on him that they were living spirits, their roots buried in the dark earth, they soaked up the energy of the sun and the essence of the moon, moistened by the rain and dew, they understood the ways of the heavens and the logic of the earth. The color of the sorghum suggested that the sun had already turned the obscure horizon a pathetic red.”
– Father in Red Sorghum by Mo Yan.
Longtime Proof Reader Celebrates 100 Years
(Paradox Valley) Congratulations are arriving from every port and good wishes from every continent commemorating the 100th birthday of Susie Compost, executive proofreader at the sanjuanhorseshoe.com.
Compost joined the paper in 1977 at age 56 after a stunning career in molecular organics, specializing in tuna casseroles and front-end work. After the stress of uptown expectations and downtown deadlines she was now looking for something simple to pass the time.
Despite near-blindness and a facial tick that caused her to skip large swaths of copy she was a constant plug on an otherwise leaky staff. Management at the website suggest that it would take three people to do her job therefore she will not be replaced, at least in the human sense, saving four salaries.
“Susie was on the job every morning at 6 am,” said editor Foggy Bedwetter-Toole, “but it often took her an hour to find her cubby hole and the light switch. Getting her to lunch was a nightmare and helping her find her car was becoming an issue. To say that the editorial staff covered for her would be understated.”
Co-workers went on to undress the issue that the trademark Paraguayan cigar, eternally in place in her teeth, did little to dilute the cutting edge journalism or provoke sabotage by the the ghosts of a hundred typewriters, once employed at a rhythmic pace.
“The tobacco smell covered the pitchopuli oil that she bathed in each morning and night,” winced Toole
Although hundreds have applied for the proofreading slot, none has displayed the keen intensity, creative grammar and utter distortion of the English language and its quirks. In addition, none have had martial arts training and pinpoint range shooting that keeps everything in perspective at deadline.
“She kept that machete sharp enough to split an infinitive,” said Bedwetter-Toole, “and discouraged the baby journalists from eating all the glazed donuts.”
Compost has determined a retirement date but will not share it with anyone. She is reportedly concerned over water cooler chatter that she will be replaced with a philodendron or a social-climbing English ivy.
“We just figure that when she stops showing up to proof read, she will have retired, leaving room within the salary cap to remodel the employee lounge and firm up a saggy retaining wall in the op-ed department.
A Colombian proof reading team has reached out to the Horseshoe but the paper/website is concerned that piercing cynicism and curious innuendo might be lost in translation.
-Gabby Haze
Bears and Angel Above Board in Legal Squabble
The Gladstone Bears are expected to drop a painful class action suit against Johnny Angel it was disclosed today. Attorneys for the fury beasts appear to have convinced them that they have no case while a nearby magistrate is leaning toward a dismissal.
Angel, the local hermit, had taken to playing one-armed bingo and eating sausage sandwiches inside a large meal culvert in the middle of town. The grievance declared that he was creating a pubic nuisance, especially in the winter months when the bear are trying to sleep.
“These bullies have sued only resident of the town,” said one circuit judge in Silverton last July. The summons did not cite past misdeeds such as public nudity, baiting, flatulence, drunkenness, halitosis and the insensitive, grotesque exhibition of hides.
Angel, who is most likely unaware of the news, is expected to file a countersuit on the grounds that the bear closed the road to his diggings up Meatloaf Meadow. Furthermore, he claims that bears roughed him up every time he went down to the town’s only bar, which has been closed since the abandonment of the Silver Standard in 1896.
The miner’s friends say he has been hunting salmon over in Topeka Gulch.
As the dust settles San Juan County has agreed to allow the Bears, a semi-professional hurling team, to play their home games at Ghost Field, the scene of much wickedness and debauchery especially in the later innings. Meanwhile Hinsdale and Ouray Counties are shuffling trapped, stranded spirits, local ghosts and unnecessary elected officials in an attempt to field a team by May.
The hermit, as our readers often proudly remind the public, gained marginal notoriety when in 1975 he discovered a pretend land route from Eureka to the East Sea. He is the author of Spooning in Animas Forks, a detailed chronicle and comparison of telephone books used as seating accessories in the Opera Houses and Brothels of San Juan County (1879 – 1899). Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
