All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Bears and Angel Above Board in Legal Squabble
The Gladstone Bears are expected to drop a painful class action suit against Johnny Angel it was disclosed today. Attorneys for the fury beasts appear to have convinced them that they have no case while a nearby magistrate is leaning toward a dismissal.
Angel, the local hermit, had taken to playing one-armed bingo and eating sausage sandwiches inside a large meal culvert in the middle of town. The grievance declared that he was creating a pubic nuisance, especially in the winter months when the bear are trying to sleep.
“These bullies have sued only resident of the town,” said one circuit judge in Silverton last July. The summons did not cite past misdeeds such as public nudity, baiting, flatulence, drunkenness, halitosis and the insensitive, grotesque exhibition of hides.
Angel, who is most likely unaware of the news, is expected to file a countersuit on the grounds that the bear closed the road to his diggings up Meatloaf Meadow. Furthermore, he claims that bears roughed him up every time he went down to the town’s only bar, which has been closed since the abandonment of the Silver Standard in 1896.
The miner’s friends say he has been hunting salmon over in Topeka Gulch.
As the dust settles San Juan County has agreed to allow the Bears, a semi-professional hurling team, to play their home games at Ghost Field, the scene of much wickedness and debauchery especially in the later innings. Meanwhile Hinsdale and Ouray Counties are shuffling trapped, stranded spirits, local ghosts and unnecessary elected officials in an attempt to field a team by May.
The hermit, as our readers often proudly remind the public, gained marginal notoriety when in 1975 he discovered a pretend land route from Eureka to the East Sea. He is the author of Spooning in Animas Forks, a detailed chronicle and comparison of telephone books used as seating accessories in the Opera Houses and Brothels of San Juan County (1879 – 1899). Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Thanks to Fred, Ted, Ned, Ed and Red Herring for contributing to this report
HORSESHOE TO AUCTION UNUSED TRUMP HEADS
Moved by the efforts of Donald Trump to sell Presidential pardons, we proudly present a public sale of Newly Generated But Never Used Headlines from the Trump Era. Collect them all! These artifacts that will surely be worth a fortune in the years to come, you can bet on that!
Trump Era Unused Headlines-Auction
Inspirational headlines we won’t be using now since the Golam* is kind of gone (*dragon ruler, not to be confused with Golam in Farsi which means My Dear)
Russian Moles and Some Republicans Continue to Defend Trump
Even rodents know when to quit
$26.99 with tank rental when you bunch Congressmen
Trump Waving at No One in Press Photos
Thousands of MAGA hats abandoned in WH basement
$300.00 with smudged handicap and “etch-a-sketch” scorecard
Trump pushed for Doctor Pepper in initial Covid power struggle
Why such low prices? – If we don’t move it we have to inventory it! Buy today!
$139.00 with deposit. No ice.
Trump’s Mysterious Phone call to Hessians downplayed by Supreme Quart
Other than the Deutsche Bank who else did Donald owe?
$66.99 incl. photo of Biblical Trump in front of Reichstag
Black man claims direct lineage to Trump, Crazy Horse and Billie Holiday
(Selma, AL) It’s strange enough to see a 106-year-old black man in a full war bonnet walking around downtown with his medicine bag, singing the blues, his orange hair sparkling in the sun…
$650.00 with unpublished photos and lyrics
Extreme Right Applauds Trump Fire Sale on Death Row
Private Prisons Feel Slighted According to DOJ
Only $70.00 in Bodoni bold
Trump denies stiffing DC moving company on Jan 20
Pence Paid Bill Cries Ex-Leader – VP Says No
$177.99 unsigned with Presidential seal intact
DID TRUMP PARDON HITLER ON WAY OUT THE DOOR?
We didn’t see the name Adolf on his pardons roster but…
$200 – Subhead at no additional charge.
All of our one-of-a-kind headlines arrive at your door framed in a special Top Secret envelope just like ones they use over at the State Department. Easy assembly with replacement adjectives and adverbs available. Some sizes run big – Check our typeface chart. Prices not compatible with other offers. Warning: Could cause eyestrain and gas. Sorry no returns. Buy today and receive 5 Death Row Lotto Tickets that could win you up to $2,000,000!
Local Man Admits to Packer Slayings
(Crested Butte) G. Roscoe Lovinggood, 99, has admitted to the slayings of his companions and to cannibalism during a gold seeking venture near Lake City in 1874. Taking “full responsibility” for these notorious acts, blamed on Alferd Packer, Lovinggood said he shot Israel Swan and George Noon in self-defense and later gunned down Shannon Bell, James Humphrey and Frank Miller in a rear-guard action following the trios’ objections to his bloody behavior.
Local police remain skeptical since Lovinggood’s age does not match up with the admissions and that he has a history of taking responsibility for other lawless behavior, including the murder of William Julius Barney outside Telluride’s Smuggler Mine in 1902, and for the sinking of the Titanic in 1912.
“While his connection with the Titanic is mathematically feasible, he would have been 4-years-old at the time of the disaster and not a likely suspect,” said one investigating officer. “Besides that foul play was never a consideration in the sinking of the ocean liner. The other two events, however, happened before 1908, his legal date of birth, and therefore must be discounted,” he smirked.
Due to repeated demands that he be taken seriously on this matter, Lovinggood spent one night in the Crested Butte dog pound compliments of the local police force. He remains on limited probation and a fixed income as of this morning.
– Small Mouth Bess
“God knows when you don’t tip,” – Pepper Salt, veteran waitress
HISTORY OF THE CLAP
Ever since homo erectus strolled these shores ritual of clapping in approval and/or appreciation has been with us. Why did such an odd ritual gain such favor within societies as remote as the Maori in New Zealand and the Utes in North America? Were ancient peoples really only trying to kill flies when the curtain went down? What did early entertainers from places like the Fertile Crescent think when the audience began slapping their hands together at a particularly moving moment on stage? We have no idea. Maybe they thought it was locusts. Nonetheless, here are some of the more pronounced developments chronologically introduced through the ages.
5000 BC a clumsy Bornean orangutan (spanking monkey) falls from a branchwater eucalyptus tree while applauding a traveling mango juggling troupe near the Mount Kilimanjaro. Millenniums later, his straw-hatted ancestors ritualistically repeat a version of the same act at national political conventions.
2750 BC Early Hitites disguised as edible crustaceans receive the first recorded standing ovation after a lackluster performance of Don’t Cry For Me Hattusa!
1523 BC Nefertiti is applauded by Egyptian talisman after acquiring her own checking account despite the protests by hubby and noted Vaudevillian, Akhenaton. Popular Nile Valley punk band, The Pharaohs, jam for an additional fourteen hours after a third ovation (or was that played for three after 14 ovations). Sadly, fruit loops and canned laughter were hurled at the musicians toward the end of the performance, resulting in injuries to the fourth buffoon and the bass player.
900 BC Sumerians invent beer and sell it in cardboard 6-packs to the chagrin of many who have not yet mastered mathematics or the Mesopotamian shekel. Profits were said to be “immoral”. Gobshites with cumbersome wind-generated clapping and stomping machines first appear on the Peloponnese.
401 BC Xanthippe, wife of Socrates appears in public wearing kid gloves made from Cyprian bat guano and impotent polyester. While stifling unwanted crowd noise, the fashion accessories effectively limit the pain inherent to excessive clapping by other Greek philosophers. In 402 she showed up with Khandian ear plugs hurling her and her entourage into periods of scorn and insignificance while in exile in the mountains of Karpathos.
559 BC – Confucius releases his classic One Hand Clapping Backwards. 2500 years later it becomes the film Karate Kid.
522 BC Prophets Ezekiel and Zoroaster simultaneously predict the emergence of Elvis and snow making. Spanking, called subdued applause by the Druids, replaces crucifixion as punishment for misdemeanors on the Isle of Man.
200 BC After a tedious reading of Reconnoiter My Arse, Gaelic warrior Courvoisier, bows from the waist and is beheaded by Roman legions. The clapping lasted well into the next century.
11 BC First case of fruit throwing at in indoor venue, Carthage. See The Pharaohs above. Perpetrators were arrested after Cairo police performed a juice scan and a mean soft shoe. Wordsmiths in Constantinople disavow crude slang words associated with an appreciative audience.
2 AD Invention of the trash bag heralded as man’s finest achievement up to that point in history. Clapping after the main meal gradually disappears in the Urals, replaced by a convivial, boisterous burp.
Continued on Page 45
Missing Mule Deer Program Nixed
(Manana) A fledgling search effort aimed at locating and returning lost or runaway mule deer to their homes has been scrapped after only two seasons. The well-financed plan ended without fanfare after biological social workers failed to impact the status of so much as one of the forlorn.
In its defense, the recovery strategy was hampered by savior syndrome with a side of pettiness. Like many upstart directions the program seemed more about pecking order and hierarchy than desperate mule deer. After a few months insiders were asking whether anyone was taking the matter seriously at all.
Now most of the sensitive date is stored in sugar beet crates in an unmarked basement office of some grandiose cathedral to implied democracy.
Many good Samaritans, working overtime, say the problem lies within familiarity in that every mule deer looks the same.
“There are large and small, fat and lean, young and old but basically they all have that same stupid look on their face,” said Alana Jardin, an animal behaviorist on loan from Colombia. “We used to have deer problems too but in 1600 we relaxed our hunting restrictions and allowed the second generation of Conquistadors to “have at it”. Clearly after 400 years there are almost no deer and almost no deer to locate or recover,” she said.
“Flank ‘em,” says Antler Tom Gilhooley, who favors putting a mule deer in charge of the entire investigation. “Contending that all mule deer look the same is the most ignorant, bigoted, sexist, even polarizing statement I have ever heard. I intend to go home, tune up my Martin, and write a country song about it.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
Pagan Manger Wins Fruitcake Sculpture Prize
(Tin Pan Alley) The winner of the prestigious 2020 Fruitcake and Dry Wall Festival is Syd Fardt of Delta for his controversial pagan manger scene. The entire composition was made from fruitcake harvested from old barn walls all over Colorado and New Mexico.
The festival, thought to be a strictly a Christian event, decided to officially reach out to non-believers this year in an attempt to relieve their suffering as they march hand-in-glove through hell’s gates.
The normally popular celebration, which began way back in 2019, recorded slim crowds despite free soft drinks and discounted mutton sandwiches. After the show many attendees returned to their parked vehicles to find tins of fruitcake piled high in the backs of pickups, crammed into trailers and abandoned in unlocked cars.
“I even had sliced pieces stuck under my windshield wipers,” said one attendee.
Over in Pouting Gulch, convenience stores describe drowning in fruitcake after a snafu sent 24 semis full of the dessert for morning delivery to one remote location. That site sold 3 fruitcakes in 2019 and only 2 in 2018.
“We even put it out on racks in front of the store but no one steals it, even with the above-mentioned enticements,” said one employee.
Fardt, the winning sculptor, was awarded a partial scholarship to the electoral college of his choice for the next academic session.
– Suzie Compost
