All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

GPS No Help

WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT

Note: This is not meant to be the complete roster of factual information available on the subject of knowledge. Contents are under pressure and perceptions often easily explode. Be assured the following is fragrance free and non-toxic but may cause congenital jitters if minor dwelling occurs in vulnerable joints and brain passages.

A good cup of coffee is always better than a good beating, especially in the early morning.

Global warming is a myth concocted by secular humanists in order to break down moral values, but it does seem quite hot for this time of the year.

Sword swallowing isn’t something that most people get the hang of right away. It takes lots of practice. 

Successful navigation of the mighty Zambezi is no walk in the park.

People were a whole lot happier before the invention of the ego.

If any group of people cries out to be tested for drugs it’s the US

Congress

Everyone knows The Boogie Man lives on Tchoupitoulas Street in the Irish Channel in New Orleans.

Organized baseball began in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1846 (The New York Nine beat Hoboken’s Knickerbocker Giants 23 to 1). The Cincinatti Reds were the first professional team, touring the country in 1869.

There are more sheep in New Zealand than there are French poodles on Paris Island.

Elizabeth Clare Prophet may have been slightly off on her calculations when she predicted that a nuclear holocaust was coming in March of 1990. Her apocalyptic sect has been on the skids for the past 32 years, often waking up in a world comprised of subterranean bridge challenges.

Jerry Springer was once mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio but lost credibility when, in 1979, he wrote a questionable check to a hooker across the river in Newport, Kentucky.

Pagan religions are not prone to send missionaries to other parts of the globe, preferring to concentrate on metaphysics in the local arena. Human sacrifice was not always a sacrifice but rather an effective way to silence critics, especially those who happen to be virgins.

Ham-handed people too must break some eggs if they want to cook an omelet. However they should not be left alone in the kitchen with the cutlery for more than a few minutes.

Among nomadic societies it is not always looked on as fortitudinous to bring one’s horse to a complete stop prior to dismounting.

The cheeks of Louis Armstrong were quite a bit larger than those of Louisa May Alcott and Chester A. Arthur combined.

Mint juleps, although often associated with the Kentucky Derby and horse racing, go quite well raw oysters. They aren’t half bad with Rocky Mountain oysters either.

Bombay Bloomers were army shorts once worn by the British East India Company when it was too hot to wear full breeches. This shocking fashion statement only amplifies the standard critique that only mad dogs and Englishmen go out into the noonday sun.

If one’s earned run average is distinctly higher than his IQ he should probably be playing right field.

In Havana there are more cantinas dedicated to Ernest Hemingway than to both Fidel and Raoul Castro.

There are more hair salons in the city of Montrose than there were Elvis movies made between 1955 and 1965.

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.

James J Ritty, owner of a tavern in Dayton, Ohio invented the cash register in 1879 to keep his patrons from pilfering house profits.

Up to the age of six or seven months a child can breathe and swallow at the same time. An adult cannot do this.

It’s better to be born rich than stupid but if the two elements share the main stage the money will surely serve as a great comfort.

Airline food was inspired by hospital food which was itself inspired by train food. Train food first found its inspiration in K-rations. K-Rations…kibble. There is no set cuisine for bus travel.

All Italians want you to think they drive Alpha Romeos and wear $500 sun glasses.

The drinking community has been decimated by the number of DUIs issued since 1990.

The chances of winning a state lottery are about the same as being struck twice by lightening in a gold mine.

Punctuality is in the eye of the beholder.

I’d rather run into a black bear in an alley than a skunk.

The Greek gods and goddesses had it pretty darn good.

When the owner of a new SUV spends his evenings delivering pizzas the economy is in for a ride. 

Biscuits and Gravy are never mentioned in the Old Testament and, in fact, they may have Muslim roots. When served beside grits, however, the plate automatically changes its venue to Christian.

Elk and bear droppings, while messy, are not a threat to national security at this time. Will there be a Color Brown alert if the situation worsens?

Dogs are not particularly loyal to other dogs.

It’s difficult to make the car payment at a poker table but it sure beats worrying about it.

The best time to embrace adulthood is from 14 -16. 

There is virtually no mention of motorized travel in the Book of Genesis.

Stuffing a turkey and stuffing a ballot box are relatively simple once one gets the hang of it.

There is a Burger King (cultural export) adjacent to several 16th Century buildings in central Guadalajara.

Cowboy Sundays last just a little bit longer than other ones.

Very few local restaurants feature Canadian-American cuisine.

Uninformed voters who vote invalidate elections. Why then do all of our peter pan patriots keep urging them to vote?

The purpose of the indentation at the bottom of a wine bottle is to trap the sediments in the wine.

If one’s monthly liquor bill is higher than the GNP of a small Latin American country maybe he/she should find a new hobby.

Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father’s, President Garfield’s and President McKinley’s. After the last shooting he refused ever to attend a state function again.

One ostrich egg can make up to twelve omelets.

In ancient Greece it was illegal to project the winner of an election until all the votes were counted. An actual democracy existed there for about ten years. In the United States, where projection is the rule, we have never had a true democracy.

Pirates have a lot more fun than accountants.

If one watches carefully he can detect a slight smile on the pouch of a pelican after his or her dinner.

– Gabby Haze

Don’t read this alone

Massive latte vein detected under Gunnison

Beans ground by earth’s angry mantel,steamed milk already volcanic by nature brought there by Antioquian high jumpers competing in the Forest and River Summer Extremes in 1979? They chewed before matches. They left casings. The heavy weight of high country snow drove these hearty stone fruit seeds into the soil and lifted them up in the spring. They survived better than could be explained although the vast majority of the crop remains underground, protected by continental shift and the local agri-council.

Sadly, the symbiotic Sugar Cane Ranch and Falls has not fared as well as its kissing cousin. That operation went aground last month. Rumors suggest that the owners snorted the profits and failed to pay schlokholders.

Quiz: Is it proper to say El Sushi or La Sushi? Head roller at Sushi House in Laureles, Medellin, Colombia informs us without question that  it is El Sushi.

LAST NOTICE TO DEADBEATS

Reminder of deadline for Gov offers money back guarantee – all applications in by July 31, 2022. Fees such as taxes, registrations, sin, utilities, tuition, uniforms, loans and even meals on the road can be recovered with simple proof that the payee was never justly compensated etc. FOR MORE ON THIS EXPANDING SOCIAL NET CONTACT YOUR CONGRESSMAN.

 

Short novel makes cut

Local writer, Elfe Short’s novel “The Slow and the Dead” has been named a

finalist on their Bozo’s Books Short List for Precise Fction.” Here is an excerpt:

A tall man leaves a bar in the middle of the afternoon and while crossing a nearby track is hit by a train.

Actually this is not an excerpt but the entire work. Good luck in the finals Elfe!

 

Local Hockey Game Rained Out

Tuesday’s ice hockey match between the Green River Birchbellies and the Barbasol Knights has been called on account of rain. This is the first time since 1961 that a hockey game was called due to moisture. While classified as inclement weather, rain is seen as virgin ice and worshiped by tribes in the North Country. A doubleheader has been scheduled for Christmas Eve, 2025..

Oh, and…Chef wanted. Must be capable of working with others. Familiarity with Canadian-American cuisine helpful. Marv’s Hole and Hops Garden, Winnipeg Pioneer Village.

 

FOOD

Arepas likely not served at Last Supper 

(Jardin, Colombia) Despite the insistence of Archbishop Ramiro Innocence “Pepe” Calderon of Bogota,(Colombia) a Final Vatican Council has cast doubt that arepas were part of the fare at the Last Supper. The Pope Francis, the Argentine pontiff who was unable to play the full 18-hole golf/retreat due to a knee injury concurred, saying that he would like to think that  they served beans and rice although the crops were not cultivated in Palestine at the time. 

“Yerba mate and Uruguayan dulce de leche from Uruguay were likely on the card.” . The wine was clearly a kosher Malbec from Mendoza,” said the Francis flexing his infallibility from the chair. Dead Sea scholars agree that it is quite likely that mate found a place at the sacred table and other fare common to the poor.

After dessert the diners split up into two teams and played football despite the finality of the group’s assemblage and clarity as to fiscal spiritual endeavors and forays into Palestinian regional cuisine.

-Maribelle Archette

Slivovitz wins moonshine laurels

Outdistancing Greco-suma  Lao Lao  Smokey Mountains’ White Lghtning  and Irish poteen, Czech slivovitz has again been voted Best Moonshine on Earth by Lunar Distillers International and more than 20 foreign embassies. 

“They did a damn nice job on the batch,” said one appreciative slurper. “The hint of plum is quite a plus.”

 

Alliteration of the week:

“We cannot allow the Western Balcans to become a playground for Putin’s pernicious pursuits,”

– Boris Johnson

Many who attacked Capitol ate wads of raw cookie dough as kids says report

Indicted or not, suspects filmed/interviewed by Captal Police and FBI have one thing in common. They all ate was of raw cookie dough as children. The data emerged as sociologists attempted to string together behavior stats on indicted rioters and prosecutors try to determine where to go next in what are often unchartered waters. 

The cookie dough thing is just one of those odd bit of information that elbows its way into the conversation. Whether this indicates a lack of parental supervision was not clear.

Doctors have issued the stupid warning about consuming cookie dough. They insist that  wolfing raw cookie dough as a child leads to unresolved conflicts and anger issues later in life. (See Chunker gluttons.) 

Counseling is available by people who think they are not crazy too.

“They tapped the anger cask, the hate keg”, said Ellie Ladyfinger. “I think there are other deeper issues than raw flour.” 

Related: The unorthodox and highly inconsequential, even irrelevant manner of gathering information represented a classic good cop – bad cop approach with an eye on stimulating dialogue. Several silly questions about first pets, favorite sports teams, and what they had for breakfast were meant to relax the suspect before the more meaty cross-examination about personal relationships, starting fires and preferred video games reared their heads.

LOCAL COPS COULD LOSE TV PRIVILEGES

(Gunnison) Police guilty of over-aggressive tactics will be dealt with harshly if House Bill 49993 makes it through the Senate. If passed the bill calls for the suspension of TV viewing by police officers.

“We have a segment of law enforcement personnel who have lost the ability to distinguish between TV cop shows and the day to day reality of our small towns,” said one proponent of the bill. “They think they are fighting crime when what they’re doing is harassing innocent citizens. We need less macho and more serving and protecting. We don’t need a SWAT team to get a cat out of a tree.”

Law makers are concerned that extreme enforcement techniques will only continue to polarize an already shell-shocked populace in small towns. They say overreaction to a potentially explosive situation deprives people of their rights and causes deep resentment toward authority in general. Police should be taught to first attempt to defuse a situation, not just to control.

“Now we are aware that the urban areas are no Mayberrys and that the majority of police are hard-working, well-intentioned civil servants,” continued the source, “but we are convinced that a few bad apples populate cruisers, especially in “safer rural communities”.

While supporters say they have ample votes to write the bill into law, detractors at the state level say an eleventh hour filibuster could be necessary to kill the move. One fence-sitting element stops short of punitive measures suggesting rather that focal points in Constitution are foremost in the regular curriculum at the police academy. – Melvin O’Toole   

A WALKING TOUR OF NEVADA’S BROTHELS

by Uncle Pahgre

Despite the infringing moral overtones associated with houses of ill repute, even the most Puritan among us has to admit that the existence of such pleasure palaces is as much a part of Americana as Toyotas and the New York Yankees. (I hesitate to employ the time worn analogy to mom and apple pie here considering the topic). No matter if one is client or critic, the naked truth is that brothels are legal in almost every country on the planet and in Nevada.

In the Silver State, revenue derived from this ongoing recreational pursuit makes up more than 20% of the gross product with gambling, ranching (the same thing these days), and limited mining shoring up the rest. Lumped together under tourism, prostitution/gambling is the state’s most lucrative industry. Proximity to the theocratic Beehive State, while not planned or appreciated from the start, does little to threaten the continued success in these aforementioned arenas.

Although the actual tour herein is much more enjoyable by automobile, bicycle or even golf cart, it is still possible to visit each of the sites listed by walking. And, since the lust pilgrim must at least enter the brothel on foot, the title will remain. Besides that, the author, whose activities on this merry trek have never been documented, likes the sound of it.

We will start in northwest Nevada and work our way down in a smooth flowing motion to Las Vegas where, surprisingly enough, the flesh sport is outlawed, at least within the city limits.

OUR RATING SYSTEM: *****Excellent ****Damn Good. Prices vary and are estimated by the number of $ at the end of each critique.

– Verandas of Venus Located between Orovada and Winnemucca this cat house was first opened by Wileena Cranapple, a former British school teacher who grew tired of long hours on her feet and decided to opt for other parts of the human anatomy for financial survival. She was a great student of Greek and Roman mythology and decorated her pleasure abode with statues imported from Athens, Rome, San Francisco and New Orleans. Cranapple was the first madam to lease land from the Forest Service, in nearby Humboldt National Forest, in order to expand her circle of influence. Today ski areas do the same. One of the “leagues'” original player/coaches, Wileena passed on in her sleep in 1972 at the tender age of 107. ***** $$$. 

Traveling east on Interstate 80 the seeker is about to enter a sinful zone known locally as El Camino del Bagnio.

The Canary Crib – Just over Emigrant Pass at Carlin, this remodeled railroad depot serves as the town’s meeting place during the day and the town’s meeting place through the night. Although the Crib, as it is affectionately called, offers a generous local’s discount, most of the business is from out of town. Upon entering the main parlor the gentleman caller is welcomed by the drama of red. Red carpet, red curtains, red furniture, red wallpaper abound. The only thing that isn’t red is the money in his pocket. A massive Ponderosa pine Christmas tree accentuates the atmosphere in the dining room while the stairway is made of Serbian mahogany. Upstairs there are some 17 small rooms each one named for a tropical bird. Both the Pelican and the Peacock offer decks and room service. ***** $$. 

Exhausted from the nickel tour we head further east to downtown Elko, first founded as a construction camp for railroad workers in 1869.

The Gilded Lilly – Apart from the main fare the Gilded Lilly offers snooker, poker and an assortment of board games in its lavish drawing room. The drinks are stiff and reasonably priced while the food leaves much to be desired. (We suggest you grab a pastrami on rye across the street at Lupanar’s Shoshoni Deli instead). After a few moments the customer will notice that the entire building is lighted by candles. While one may think that is to cover for the lack of beauty present he will soon realize that it is only because the operator is too cheap to pay her electricity bill. Famous visitors to the Gilded Lilly include presidents, kings and television evangelists. This phenomenon is verified by the remarkable lack of names in the guest register. ***** $. 

We will now backtrack to a town aptly named Lovelock since a bus load of polygamists reportedly landed in Wells some years before.

The Poultry Nest – A short drive from Lovelock on state route 399 sits the Poultry Nest, a combination bawdy house/mining museum.  in a strict replica of the Nevada State Capitol, the Nest offers amenities far beyond the imagination of the average romantic enthusiast. An olympic swimming pool, a weight room, a wine cellar and a rooftop terrarium are just the beginning. Each bedroom has a phone and cable television for the long term visitor. All of the hostesses are fluent in several languages including English. Most are college educated since the John C. Freemont Junior College offers free tuition to qualifying coeds. Besides matches, other desired souvenirs of the Nest include postcards, T-shirts, ash trays, group photos and, for especially good customers, a Certificate of Merit signed by all of the employees.***** $$$$

Maddie’s House of Delight – Just a hop, skip and a jump from the state capital at Carson City is Maddie’s, a romping station that gained historical status in 1990. Services are named after Nevada’s mining heritage with the “Big Bonanza”, the “Comstock Lode” and the “Hoover Dam” among the most popular. Thermal water from nearby hot springs, often draws tired casino workers and a host of bright light celebrities more interested in getting clean than in getting dirty. This is not the spot for the novice as the price for one hour is about that of a new set of Ben Hogans. Inside tip: Try the patented nectarous eyeball massage. Native tungsten fixtures adorn the living area while the narrow hallways are done in a sort of subtle, nouveau-atomic weapons test site motif. ***** $$$$$$$$. 

Now we’ll head south toward Las Vegas and its infamous strip.

Deseret Dessert – Just south of Hawthorne on Nevada Route 359 over Lucky Boy Pass sits a culinary marvel. Began as an establishment like the rest, the Deseret soon became known for its food and not so much for its foolin around. Today the sporting house pays the rent at the dinner table offering a side of sin. Don’t miss the broiled lobster imported from Trepassey Bay or the Braised Salmon Almondine. For the more earthy tastes, the chicken fried steak is heavenly. Served with steamed okra and steamy, robust noodles, actually concocted by domicile courtesans on their day off, the fare is the best for 100 miles. The only other decent victuals are to be found at another less notable ranchito and fish fry dive, The Walker River House, over in Babbitt. (Editor’s note: Sadly, the Dixie Darlene’s at Austin was closed for remodeling at the time of our venture and could not be reviewed).***** $$$$$.  Now it’s on to Las Vegas!

Little Sheebah’s – Route 160 at Pahrump, Little Sheebah’s is perhaps Nevada’s oldest brothel having been established in 1931, about ten minutes after the state legislature passed a law allowing such stimulating activity. Began in a tent the enterprise grew and soon began a mobile service from a post-war, three-wheel, travel trailer. In 1965 Little Sheebah passed on leaving the business to her gay son, Red.

An All-U-Can-Eat Buffet features rare roast beef, carved by former pro boxer, Lester Holgrahm, who at a striking 290 effectively keeps the lid on the place.

Tip: Don’t go to Sheebah’s on three-day weekends or when the Japanese are holding a convention in nearby Las Vegas. Free mints. No pets. ***** $$$$.