All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Pele Passes
Pele, Edson Arantes do Nascimento, one of the greatest athletes to ever lace up his spikes died yesterday in Brasil. His feats on the field and his presence off the field were first-class at every turn. He was 82.
Christmas Planned Again for 2023
(New York) With the final approval of federal and state funding, it appears that consumers will be thrilled with the holiday season again next year. As recently as one week ago, with the private sector dragging knuckles on promises to match the assets accrued from a system of floating bonds, things looked bleak.
“It’s not about money,” he smiled.
Supporters of Christmas have been accused of using ancient guilt techniques and playing into fears of impending social disorder in the attempt to raise consciousness and, in turn, money toward the goal. They say that since the holiday has been around so long, it would only follow that it should be preserved both from a religious and a secular approach.
“Without the continued assistance of our state and federal bureaucracies, Christmas would be relegated to the status of say, Halloween or Valentine’s Day,” said Ira Elfin, founder and treasurer of Christmas ‘23. “We fully realize that these holidays are important but that economically speaking Christmas consistently kicks butt.”
Elfin explained that the holiday season was not about money yet year after year more money is circulated during the holiday season than on all the other holidays combined.
“Yes, flowers and candy generate substantial dollars, but that figure,” he smiled, “does not even come close to the money spent on worthless junk during the Yuletide. In addition, people will go without fireworks or cranberry sauce but then Christmas rolls around and the same people adopt an oh what the hell attitude and spend money they may not have. They even buy presents for relatives that they don’t like.”
Elfin thanked the credit card companies, the elevator Christmas carol pushers, the tree industry, the makers of an assortment of pine sprays, the weather, the replacement Christmas light bulb concerns, Charles Schultz, the wrapping paper giants, the clever card writers union, Bing Crosby and Belle Elfin, his wife of 133 years, for his recent ascension to greatness in the field of Christmas marketing concepts.
“It’s not about money,” he stressed.
Although the funds needed to pull off Christmas next year has not been estimated , conjecture has it that it is a whole lot more than was needed for Christmas 2022.
“It’s just more expensive to pull off than it was back in the Fifties,” harped Elfin. “Why, insurance on Santa’s sleigh, reindeer rights, elf unions and the type of presents coveted by little kids put the fiscal motion of the celebration into outer space. Do people really think that just because Christmas is sacred that it can side-step reality? It’s a business, son. Nothing more and nothing less, at least from our perspective,” he frowned.
Elfin added that Christmas ’23 would kick off on or about Thanksgiving Weekend and run through December, culminating on December 25, with the following week dedicated to getting over the entire experience in time for a New Year’s celebration.
“We hope to hold New Year’s on January 1 again so as to be in compliance with all the calendars printed in August,” he said.
– Al Kahall
Bass boat fleet arrives at North Pole
The first frozen bass boat arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.
But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.
“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”
One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.
“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.
News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.
“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Greenland,” squawked another puffed up elf.
The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pol landmarks and Santas’ immediate family.
“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”
For a related piece turn to What to buy for a stranded polar bear? in Life On Ice
ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY
We have grown tired of extending these seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the holidays we will reach deep and try to smooth a few feathers once more. First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing in the November issue regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste. Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that this was the case. The prints, as it turns out disappeared the night before this issue was to be put to rest and we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City de-lousing effort and some color pictures of pretty Christmas lights at the one of our many private prisons.
Repeated references to Groppo’s relationship with booze were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens (People he drinks with in town). Implications that Groppo’s physical stature and mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetle burgers, twinkies. rocks and pressed swamp grass, are true. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s personal dietitian and favored bartender.
Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo have once again proven to be unfounded and illegal. We did not ever say that his immediate family were drug addicts only that the current inhabitants of his family tree looked like junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics, but rather that they were simpole drunkards, since most are broom closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.
Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide.
– Editor
Post Office Boxes Triple in Value
(Ouray) The appraised worth of the average post office box here has tripled in less than a year sending investors scurrying and leaving the average Joe more than a little confused.
According to a filed assay computed over the past ten months, acquiring one of the unassuming little boxes has become a symbol of status to the Cadillac and caviar set. The correspondence receptacles, especially those with combination locks, have become quite desirable by the out-of-state elite driving the price up and making availability less and less. The published value has increased about three times faster than the appraisal listed on Victorians that litter the market here.
“We have some months around here where there are more seekers than boxes,” said Lacy Tinkleholland, a postal spokesman here. “For years we couldn’t even give the things away and now the demand for them has exceeded our wildest dreams. It’s becoming obsessive with many of the box holders receiving a trickle of mail every week or so. If it weren’t for junk mail considerations we would repossess the boxes and reissue them to legitimate mail receivers.”
Although plans are on the table to build 1000 new post office boxes construction costs are high and space is limited.
“We can’t find suitable space that both allows easy year-round access and adheres to local covenants,” continued the source. “Our capacities are taxed beyond all tolerance. If this posture continues we will see the federal gov’ment stepping in and confiscating everyone’s mail.”
Many people have taken to blaming what they call box pimps, people who encourage the transfer of postal boxes so as to earn a high commission on the transaction. Although quite legal these business arrangements have clearly driven up prices and left many a local out in the snow.
“It’s bad enough that these newcomers insist on tying up all our boxes but now we’re dealing with zip code snobbery too,” added Tinkleholland who chronicled a stretch over the holidays where some 300 people applied for 81427 zip code access. “What’s wrong with 81432 or 81433? They are high altitude zips too. We’re far too busy handling mail to worry about these petty needs. Last week a part timer from Oklahoma became enraged when one of our people suggested she settle for 81423 or 81402!”
It appears that post office boxes in Ouray will continue to shoot up in value with even the no-frills variety gobbled up as they hit the market. Some of the wealthier seekers have taken to hiring agents to hang out and watch the stock exchange/transaction board on a daily basis.
Persons who have successfully sold post office boxes in other upscale communities are not the least bit put off by the spiraling prices that, like a demented corkscrew, have all but eliminated the working class as it jacks lives out of proportion in the name of elitism.
Although downplayed in the lap-dog press, explosions and related sabotage believed to be the work of local anarchist groups, has become a daily ritual in such sleepy spots as Pea Green and Colona. Despite heightened security and severe penalties for tampering these radicals appear intent on disrupting the services exploited by absentee owners and the downright squatters of venture landlordism.
One longtime resident of Ouray says she doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about who holds postal boxes here.
“What bothers me is all the older men standing around pretending to sort their mail when I bend over to open my box. Maybe I should apply for a larger, more private compartment that’s not so close to the floor,” she said.
– Tommy Middlefinger
