All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
ADOPT A WASHBOARD HALTED FOR WINTER
(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom with summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.
“We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.
Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.
“What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”
Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact.
“Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”
– Ambrose Bierce, from The Devil’s Dictionary
Neanderthal-Denisovia Expected to join NATO
This tiny flute-growing republic has been part of Germany, Poland, Russia, Lithiuania and served as a regional capital during the Weiner Bun Republic (1922-28). Wedged between Strix Occidental and and the slaphappy Helicopactor Pylori Range, Neanderthal-Denisovia often engages in mad carnivals mimicking the sexual behavior of spotted owls on stomach bacteria statins. Most residents ethnically resemble Athabascans and some what ain’t. They are linked idiomatically to persons from Riverhead, New York.
Famous Neanderthals
Three-armed fireballer Jack “Jake” Jakey
Abandoned by his pack during childhood this half Neanderthal, half Denisovian literally clawed his way up the pitching rotation of several standout clubs competing in the newly-formed Hominidae League. Then out of nowhere some 28,000 years ago the stadiums emptied and the Neanderthals, as if caught stealing third, disappeared.
Jack Jake Jakey, who demands his entire name be used in any reference to him in print, is best known for a quote lost to the ages: “You call us archaic. You think we live in a cave? It is you that have designated hitting and defensive shifts destroying the purity of the game.”
Marjorie Bear in the Window: First college grad in 1969
A teen who claimed to have discovered fire, Marjorie, despite no credentials whatsoever was elected to a powerful tribal office by fellow Neanderthal nitwits. She passed no legislation and was a completely disruptive influence on the floors of Congress. Later after the headlong pressures, monumental expectations and the mental anguish of a four-year major in sociology a Marjorie went on to found a chain of rent-to-own stores all over the Great Basin.
Smaller brains in vogue for Midterms
Smaller brains are trending this election season according to Colombian fashion icon Marianne Marianne-Merluzza. The news comes to the relief of millions. Across the country trending forecasts dictate buying patterns. Then people like Marianne Marianne set the tone that defines the mode that created all the rage. Courting tip: She likes Belvedere Martinis (two onions), Kobi crablegs and lavender Belfast roses.
Last year Ms. Merluzza correctly forecast that people would begin wearing coats, long pants and sox in autumn says a prestigious colleague. “She actually projects future trends without a GPS or even a team*. This is particularly impressive since she lives in a poorly lit Chupacabra cave and wanders around her design studio in baggy Winnepeg Sorrels and a Tweetie Pie hoodie.
Although one might think smaller brains require smaller hats that is not always the case.*
“I like to put women in giant hats if they have large butts and smaller hats if they have big feet,” snarled Merluzza. “It makes sense if you think about it long enough.”
Her iconic bloomer chinos over scuffed jack boots accentuated by the Caribbean blend with Arhuacan scarves and carefully waxed ankle weights from the snowy peaks and steaming jungles of the Sierra Madre de Santa Marta.
*Full regalia, baby. Bearing transparent souls and poorly developed sense of compassion works well in many scenarios. You betcha.
Digital fly swatting discounted by judge
(Crested Butte) Claims by a former local newspaper that it can still be effective in the execution of bothersome flies were denied by a circuit judge here. The presiding magistrate, citing the fact that the newspaper is now a website and thus has no impact ratio or torque ruled that a computer is incapable successfully swatting flies.
She then concluded that sanjuanhorseshoe.com could be prosecuted for fraud in that it insisted it could squash flies with the deadliness and regularity of the former newspaper.
But rather than pursue the fraud conviction Judge Heather Barley declared a mistrial since not enough flies could be assembled to conduct a valid litmus test.
“It’s too cold for enough of them to be around now,” she said. “We will have to await until the new crop arrives in June to record sustainable data.”
Meanwhile the mysteries of cyber space remain out to lunch.
Despite what many see as temporary respite a growing number of readers have expressed frustration over these outrageous assertions and directives. Feeling duped or gullible after constant attempts to kill flies by osmosis or implied gravitational magic has left them wanting.
“I’m sticking to the printed version,” said one longtime fan of the paper. “I just read it over and over then start again at the beginning of the month. The paper isn’t worth much but I got no damn flies. I just love to watch those techie boobs wrapping their heads around a pile of soggy fish and chips…while balancing their GPS device on their laps.”
-Fred Zeppelin
“The USA, where one can still wrest an enthusiastic response just by opening a burger stand.”
-Melvin Bedwetter Toole, food wagon
Muchas regiones adoptan el estándar de calabacín
(Delta) Un número creciente de comunidades se han destetado del dólar y han adoptado el calabacín como moneda de curso legal, así como una medida de riqueza y bienestar.
A pesar de la fortaleza del dólar estadounidense, muchos estadounidenses, en su mayoría rurales, sienten que lo que pueden ver acumularse es una mejor medida de prosperidad que las tarjetas de crédito, un mísero papel moneda.
“Obtuvimos billetes verdes y cosas por el estilo con imágenes de hombres con pelucas o obtuvimos hermosas calabazas amarillas y verdes”, dijo un ex entusiasta de Nitwit Coin. “¿Cuál parece el más seguro?”
La fuente no hizo comentarios cuando se le preguntó acerca de los meses de invierno cuando el calabacín y la mayoría de las verduras frescas se secan por estas partes. Los cazadores y recolectores ya están trabajando arduamente enlatando y almacenando calabazas por temor a una “corrida en el banco” por parte de los habitantes de la ciudad.
Los rumores de una invasión de calabacines rebeldes en las cercanías de Rangel, Colorado, se han degradado simultáneamente a una perturbación tropical oficial y se han delegado como área de desastre federal. Los mandatos federales limitan estrictamente las migraciones de plantas como esta que superan las 25 millas de ancho.
“Ese parche de calabacín sediento es fácilmente el doble de ese tamaño”, continuó nuestra fuente, quien ahora se identificó como Hector Somebody, de Mack. Nos dijo que hordas de milicianos zucchini, llamados Zucchini Rangers debido a sus ridículos calcetines amarillos y dorados y sus rifles Squashkopf* bien engrasados, habían rodeado a los zucchini y cavado trincheras en la frontera estatal en preparación para una guerra de desgaste.
Otros secuestraron un camión de Bimbo Bread y lo condujeron a un lugar seguro momentos antes de ser engullidos por la calabaza serpenteante. Los remolques de tractores cercanos y un vehículo recreativo de 4000 pies no tuvieron tanta suerte.
“Estaban aquí un minuto y se fueron al siguiente”, dijo Alguien, como mi control de seguridad sociable.
*Carcano M 1938 carabina beretta – Fucile Armaguera a vosotros flatlanders
-Gabby Haze
