All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY
We have grown tired of extending these seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the holidays we will reach deep and try to smooth a few feathers once more. First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing in the November issue regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste. Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that this was the case. The prints, as it turns out disappeared the night before this issue was to be put to rest and we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City de-lousing effort and some color pictures of pretty Christmas lights at the one of our many private prisons.
Repeated references to Groppo’s relationship with booze were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens (People he drinks with in town). Implications that Groppo’s physical stature and mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetle burgers, twinkies. rocks and pressed swamp grass, are true. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s personal dietitian and favored bartender.
Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo have once again proven to be unfounded and illegal. We did not ever say that his immediate family were drug addicts only that the current inhabitants of his family tree looked like junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics, but rather that they were simpole drunkards, since most are broom closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.
Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide.
– Editor
Post Office Boxes Triple in Value
(Ouray) The appraised worth of the average post office box here has tripled in less than a year sending investors scurrying and leaving the average Joe more than a little confused.
According to a filed assay computed over the past ten months, acquiring one of the unassuming little boxes has become a symbol of status to the Cadillac and caviar set. The correspondence receptacles, especially those with combination locks, have become quite desirable by the out-of-state elite driving the price up and making availability less and less. The published value has increased about three times faster than the appraisal listed on Victorians that litter the market here.
“We have some months around here where there are more seekers than boxes,” said Lacy Tinkleholland, a postal spokesman here. “For years we couldn’t even give the things away and now the demand for them has exceeded our wildest dreams. It’s becoming obsessive with many of the box holders receiving a trickle of mail every week or so. If it weren’t for junk mail considerations we would repossess the boxes and reissue them to legitimate mail receivers.”
Although plans are on the table to build 1000 new post office boxes construction costs are high and space is limited.
“We can’t find suitable space that both allows easy year-round access and adheres to local covenants,” continued the source. “Our capacities are taxed beyond all tolerance. If this posture continues we will see the federal gov’ment stepping in and confiscating everyone’s mail.”
Many people have taken to blaming what they call box pimps, people who encourage the transfer of postal boxes so as to earn a high commission on the transaction. Although quite legal these business arrangements have clearly driven up prices and left many a local out in the snow.
“It’s bad enough that these newcomers insist on tying up all our boxes but now we’re dealing with zip code snobbery too,” added Tinkleholland who chronicled a stretch over the holidays where some 300 people applied for 81427 zip code access. “What’s wrong with 81432 or 81433? They are high altitude zips too. We’re far too busy handling mail to worry about these petty needs. Last week a part timer from Oklahoma became enraged when one of our people suggested she settle for 81423 or 81402!”
It appears that post office boxes in Ouray will continue to shoot up in value with even the no-frills variety gobbled up as they hit the market. Some of the wealthier seekers have taken to hiring agents to hang out and watch the stock exchange/transaction board on a daily basis.
Persons who have successfully sold post office boxes in other upscale communities are not the least bit put off by the spiraling prices that, like a demented corkscrew, have all but eliminated the working class as it jacks lives out of proportion in the name of elitism.
Although downplayed in the lap-dog press, explosions and related sabotage believed to be the work of local anarchist groups, has become a daily ritual in such sleepy spots as Pea Green and Colona. Despite heightened security and severe penalties for tampering these radicals appear intent on disrupting the services exploited by absentee owners and the downright squatters of venture landlordism.
One longtime resident of Ouray says she doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about who holds postal boxes here.
“What bothers me is all the older men standing around pretending to sort their mail when I bend over to open my box. Maybe I should apply for a larger, more private compartment that’s not so close to the floor,” she said.
– Tommy Middlefinger
ADOPT A WASHBOARD HALTED FOR WINTER
(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom with summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.
“We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.
Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.
“What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”
Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact.
“Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”
– Ambrose Bierce, from The Devil’s Dictionary
Neanderthal-Denisovia Expected to join NATO
This tiny flute-growing republic has been part of Germany, Poland, Russia, Lithiuania and served as a regional capital during the Weiner Bun Republic (1922-28). Wedged between Strix Occidental and and the slaphappy Helicopactor Pylori Range, Neanderthal-Denisovia often engages in mad carnivals mimicking the sexual behavior of spotted owls on stomach bacteria statins. Most residents ethnically resemble Athabascans and some what ain’t. They are linked idiomatically to persons from Riverhead, New York.
Famous Neanderthals
Three-armed fireballer Jack “Jake” Jakey
Abandoned by his pack during childhood this half Neanderthal, half Denisovian literally clawed his way up the pitching rotation of several standout clubs competing in the newly-formed Hominidae League. Then out of nowhere some 28,000 years ago the stadiums emptied and the Neanderthals, as if caught stealing third, disappeared.
Jack Jake Jakey, who demands his entire name be used in any reference to him in print, is best known for a quote lost to the ages: “You call us archaic. You think we live in a cave? It is you that have designated hitting and defensive shifts destroying the purity of the game.”
Marjorie Bear in the Window: First college grad in 1969
A teen who claimed to have discovered fire, Marjorie, despite no credentials whatsoever was elected to a powerful tribal office by fellow Neanderthal nitwits. She passed no legislation and was a completely disruptive influence on the floors of Congress. Later after the headlong pressures, monumental expectations and the mental anguish of a four-year major in sociology a Marjorie went on to found a chain of rent-to-own stores all over the Great Basin.
Smaller brains in vogue for Midterms
Smaller brains are trending this election season according to Colombian fashion icon Marianne Marianne-Merluzza. The news comes to the relief of millions. Across the country trending forecasts dictate buying patterns. Then people like Marianne Marianne set the tone that defines the mode that created all the rage. Courting tip: She likes Belvedere Martinis (two onions), Kobi crablegs and lavender Belfast roses.
Last year Ms. Merluzza correctly forecast that people would begin wearing coats, long pants and sox in autumn says a prestigious colleague. “She actually projects future trends without a GPS or even a team*. This is particularly impressive since she lives in a poorly lit Chupacabra cave and wanders around her design studio in baggy Winnepeg Sorrels and a Tweetie Pie hoodie.
Although one might think smaller brains require smaller hats that is not always the case.*
“I like to put women in giant hats if they have large butts and smaller hats if they have big feet,” snarled Merluzza. “It makes sense if you think about it long enough.”
Her iconic bloomer chinos over scuffed jack boots accentuated by the Caribbean blend with Arhuacan scarves and carefully waxed ankle weights from the snowy peaks and steaming jungles of the Sierra Madre de Santa Marta.
