All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
—Notice to All Intergalactic Alien Craft—
It would be infinitely appreciated if all alien spacecraft wishing to observe, land/touch down on the earth this summer would pay particular attention to extremely dry conditions here. Drought, which may be an unknown entity where you come from, has reached epidemic proportions. As a result the discharge of heat, infra-red light, lasers, and an assortment of other technological application associated with ascent and descent may set the whole planet on fire! We appreciate your adherence to our burning ordinances as well and ask that you inform all crew members to smoke only in designated smoking areas and use spaceship ash trays. Also, we would appreciate it if you refrain from lighting fireworks, and hosting barbecues until further notice. And please see that your crew conserves water when possible (toilet flushing, bathing and even consumption, if you need it to survive). If you possess any information as to other approaches to dealing with this natural malady we would like to hear from you. Finally, if you or the members of your flight crew need further assistance on hotel bookings, jeeping information, topo maps or dinner reservations while visiting don’t hesitate to call the local chamber of commerce in your landing zone. Thank you.
SEASONAL GUSTS SEE RETURN OF CUMBERSOME WIND NETS
(Montrose) An intricate system of wind nets will once again be employed east of town in an attempt to cut losses and aggravation caused by the elements here. The nets, designed by local engineers saw only limited success last spring but are expected to exercise a very positive influence this year.
Employing the basic science of fly tying, the tiny squares are capable of catching everything from Herefords to lottery tickets.
“We can expect to recover almost anything blown off course by the high winds,” said one engineer. “While we are highly concerned with currency, grocery lists and newspapers our biggest complaints so far have to do with the loss of cowboy hats.”
In response to the community the nets will be coated with a non-toxic sticky substance that will prevent cunning hats from escaping once caught.
“There’s nothing quite so sad as to watch a full grown adult chase a new straw hat all the way to Gunnison in high winds,” said a source from city hall. “Our method is really quite simple, modeled after the spider’s web. Only this time the hat is the fly or visa versa.”
The net will be erected across highway 50 and stretch about 1/2 mile to each side. A backup multi-colored nylon rope maze, knotted and fine tuned by local navy veterans holding up wet fingers to determine wind direction and velocity, is expected to be in place by Friday.
During normal business hours small access portals are to be employed so as to allow traffic regular access from 7 am to 7 pm. After that time only police, clerics and pizza delivery personnel will be allowed to penetrate the peremptory perimeter. During these dark hours teams of praetorian eunuchs will be patrolling the fringes of our strategic locales looking for rogue wind tunnels, wild asparagus and overflowed irrigation ditches.
Air travel to and from Montrose is not expected to be obstructed or improved during turbulent days.
“It’s just another springtime in Montrose,” said 125-year-old driving instructor, Ernesto “Ernie” Rigarde. “Yep, if you don’t like the weather around these parts just wait a few months and it will change.”
Local media workhorses at TV station ZYX will present a special locally produced update this Saturday morning entitled “The Wind”. The program will feature a series of still life shots of the wind from 1900 to present. Filmed in conjunction with the Weather-Fishing-Canning Channel “The Wind” will be broadcast at an undisclosed location from a press bunker somewhere in the Bland Valley.
Critics say the presentation is quite appropriate what with this being an election year and all.
– Fred Zeppelin
Yeti snapped in Almont Triangle
Second appearance in as many months
(Jack’s Chalet) Two local men say they have documented what is believed to be yet another yeti sighting south of here. Only this time the creature was captured on film.
In addition to a color photo the two, Melvin O’Toole of Cahone and Earl MacAdoo of Baldwin, claim they saw giant footprints, heard low growls and found bits of course hair stuck to aspen trees.
“It appears that this fellow was in a big hurry to go somewhere,” said O’Toole, a surveyor who was mapping the area for a massive condo development. “The foot prints were different than anything a bear could leave behind. For about an hour both Earl and I felt we were being watched, then we saw the creature break from his wooded redoubt and sprint across an adjacent snowfield.”
O’Toole says the yeti covered about 10 yards in no time at all. He believes the creature had been startled by their chainsaw or was simply late for an appointment in Gunnison.
The yeti, dba Bigfoot, aka The Abominable Snowman was thought to reside exclusively in the Himalayan Range near Mount Everest. Called metoh kangmi by Tibetan villagers the name yeti was given to it by Sherpa tribesmen in Nepal. The word most likely meant all-devouring creature. According to legend he is a hairy beast, with a large ape-like body and a face that resembles that of a cow.
“That’s the guy,” said MacAdoo. Throw in a long neck and some big ears and you got him pegged.”
Neither man could verify that the monster’s arms reached the ground and didn’t think that it was actually walking erect.
“It was getting dark and our vision was limited,” said O’Toole. “He moved quite gracefully but still in silhouette form and lingering in the brush.”
Both men said they feared an attack due to the close proximity of the encounter. They add that the yeti never looked in their direction lending credence to a theory that he never saw them at all.
“He could sure use a shower,” laughed O’Toole when the county’s 300 police officers showed up to investigate. County officers quickly sealed off the area while Gunnison city cops ran their sirens as a probing, territorial gesture.
The governors of Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Kansas and New Mexico are expected to visit the site Monday unless it rains.
Despite the inherent dangers of a missing link running around the woods, the mood is light here due to the arrival of spring. Already Alpine Express drivers have begun stopping in the hope that their charges might view more than eagles along the East River. Excursions into the back country have almost tripled since the sighting.
“It’s all very exiting,” said one Division of Wildlife officer. “It will be interesting to see the outcome and how it might affect our secret plans to reintroduce the Grizzly, the three-toed sloth and the Eurasian wild boar to Western Colorado.
Yetti captured on film in Gunnison County
Other reaction was mixed as sheep herders fear losses, realtors worry about the price of an acre, and biologists scurry around attempting to make sense out of the phenomenon.
Cynics question how the beast might have remained undetected for so long. Although dietary needs could easily be met there is little else for the yeti to do around here on cold winter nights. Even the movie theaters have shut down. They suggest that the footprints were merely enlarged due to exposure to the winter sun which they say melted them into wider forms. They add that the yeti would be more likely to hang out near the more posh resort areas of Aspen and Vail than near funky Crested Butte.
One benefit of the entire incident may be that while tromping about the Almont Triangle authorities have determined that the area is not a triangle at all but a hexagon. How this discovery will affect plans to build a green belt parking lot along Hypotenuse Creek is unclear at press time.
Due to this second coming, the two campers who claim to have seen the yeti last month are enjoying their day in the sun. According to one of them nobody believed us, not even our moms. Most said the creature was a bear, others insisted it was a second home owner from Taylor Canyon or a lost snowboarder.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Commissars OK Irwin Feed Lot
Will supply quality beef for Aspen
(Crested Butte) Gunnison County has approved a low impact feedlot within the town of Irwin. The action comes as a bit of a surprise to residents there who once thought they had escaped the annoyances and aromas of the 21st Century.
“We’ve followed every county and state spec down to the nitty gritty, which of course is up to the cattle,” said Jack Sprat, a Brit, who came to the United States in 1994, a refugee from mad cow disease. “You want to talk about green belt? Do a soil test on the feedlot after just three months operation.”
The feedlot is classified low impact since it will be located exclusively near summer houses and host only a minimal, “but motivated” herd at first. In fact, Spratt’s kids will do most of the care-taking after school as part of a 4-H project.
“We expect to feed 200 -300 head in the beginning and expand to 5000 for the summer months. Spratt is currently negotiating with Irwin Lodge for grazing rights through the warmed months.
Most of the beef raised here will be shipped via Pearl Pass to glitzy Aspen where it will be transformed into high dollar, high cholesterol treats. Already several restaurants there have agreed to weighty contracts.
“We hope to conduct business without all the hype,” said Spratt. “We want to run a customer-friendly, caring facility that cows can be proud to call home. My kids don’t know about the real purpose here. They think the cattle are being raised for the circus. Not real smart, heh? When they are adults we’ll let them in on the action. Once they see the ledger sheet they’ll come around.
“It’s amazing how money tempers morality, he smiled.
Meanwhile residents of Irwin have filed a complaint with the local authorities saying that the town is not zoned for this type of agriculture. They are threatening to boycott Crested Butte, Gunnison and Aspen if the plan is enacted.
“We have attended every last meeting on the subject,” said Spratt. “We even provided, at our own expense, the fertilizer for inquiring minds. What do they mean when they say Irwin is not zoned agriculture? Hell, everyone up there has at least three dogs and grows marijuana. That sounds pretty agriculture to me.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Vatican Denies Shift in Population Policy
(Roma) High ranking officials here vehemently deny that Pope Francis has broken ranks on the subject of birth control. Responding to accusations that the Pontiff liberally tossed condoms to the crowd while on a recent trip to Latin America, the Vatican argued that limited access from the Popemobile would make that impossible.
But it’s all over the internet.
The Popemobile, currently in the shop for repairs in Mexico City was not available for examination. The usually infallible vehicle hauls the Pope around in a high security, transparent bubble so that the poverty stricken masses can view the alleged heir of St. Peter up close and personal.
In an official announcement a Vatican spokesman said, “The Pontiff didn’t throw anything out of the Popemobile due to a severe injury suffered during a meeting with Fidel Castro years ago.”
According to inside sources the Pope and the deceased Cuban dictator, although separated by mounds of philosophical red tape, came together over their mutual love of baseball. One eye-witness confirmed reports that the Pope tore a rotator cup during a pickup game of catch in the courtyard at Columbus Cathedral. The injury prevented him from taking part in an exhibition game in Managua (Nicaragua) the following day.
“He’s a natural catcher although his knees are shot,” said the source. “He had an almost magical way with Fidel, (a former pitcher) and we hear he swings a mean stick.”
Getting back to the subject at hand the saint-happy Pope then concluded his visit in Guatemala by canonizing a Mayan taxi driver from Totonicapan. The driver, Juan Nomoore, disappeared while in police custody in 1991. He is said to be representative of the thousands of Mayans who lost their lives during a bloody 30-year civil war that was put on the back burner in 1996.
The new saint, technically Blessed until all precincts are in, replaces the legendary Maximon as patron saint of population control. Maximon has moved on to represent the coffee in lobby in Antigua.
The population of Catholic Guatemala is expected to double by the year 2035.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
One third of deceased roll over in graves
(Chicago) More than 30% of persons buried in over 1000 cemeteries across the country roll over in their graves at least once a year. According to a contingent of funeral directors and graveyard personnel, the habit or practice of rolling is not always due to what’s going on upstairs.
“We think of the deceased as reacting to a situation in our world but often the rolling is simply an attempt to get more comfortable or to readjust focus.
Cynics suggest that the entire matter is ridiculous and that when a person is dead he can no longer move.
“That’s what I thought before I started working in the field,” said Abe Teller, director of maintenance at Elysian Acres on Lake Michigan. “Some nights we can actually listen to the activity which, although subtle, is detectable to the trained ear.”
Teller went on to say that some gravestones actually shake and that the dirt is unsettled while other rolls are slight and leave no evidence of a shift.
The old expression referring to rolling over in the grave has been in use for centuries and is generally employed to describe response to a shocking or contrary action that occurs on earth after the deceased is buried. In the case of cremation these episodes have yet to be documented.
“This place gets noisy on the weekends,” chuckled Teller, “especially after visits from loved ones.”
– Small Mouth Bess
