All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Muchas regiones adoptan el estándar de calabacín
(Delta) Un número creciente de comunidades se han destetado del dólar y han adoptado el calabacín como moneda de curso legal, así como una medida de riqueza y bienestar.
A pesar de la fortaleza del dólar estadounidense, muchos estadounidenses, en su mayoría rurales, sienten que lo que pueden ver acumularse es una mejor medida de prosperidad que las tarjetas de crédito, un mísero papel moneda.
“Obtuvimos billetes verdes y cosas por el estilo con imágenes de hombres con pelucas o obtuvimos hermosas calabazas amarillas y verdes”, dijo un ex entusiasta de Nitwit Coin. “¿Cuál parece el más seguro?”
La fuente no hizo comentarios cuando se le preguntó acerca de los meses de invierno cuando el calabacín y la mayoría de las verduras frescas se secan por estas partes. Los cazadores y recolectores ya están trabajando arduamente enlatando y almacenando calabazas por temor a una “corrida en el banco” por parte de los habitantes de la ciudad.
Los rumores de una invasión de calabacines rebeldes en las cercanías de Rangel, Colorado, se han degradado simultáneamente a una perturbación tropical oficial y se han delegado como área de desastre federal. Los mandatos federales limitan estrictamente las migraciones de plantas como esta que superan las 25 millas de ancho.
“Ese parche de calabacín sediento es fácilmente el doble de ese tamaño”, continuó nuestra fuente, quien ahora se identificó como Hector Somebody, de Mack. Nos dijo que hordas de milicianos zucchini, llamados Zucchini Rangers debido a sus ridículos calcetines amarillos y dorados y sus rifles Squashkopf* bien engrasados, habían rodeado a los zucchini y cavado trincheras en la frontera estatal en preparación para una guerra de desgaste.
Otros secuestraron un camión de Bimbo Bread y lo condujeron a un lugar seguro momentos antes de ser engullidos por la calabaza serpenteante. Los remolques de tractores cercanos y un vehículo recreativo de 4000 pies no tuvieron tanta suerte.
“Estaban aquí un minuto y se fueron al siguiente”, dijo Alguien, como mi control de seguridad sociable.
*Carcano M 1938 carabina beretta – Fucile Armaguera a vosotros flatlanders
-Gabby Haze
Guilt Dumpsters Back
(Wimpton) 17 official guilt dumpsters will again grace convening points throughout Gunnison County this fall. Sponsored by Taylor Park Mental Health in the Rockies, the large trash cylinders are already in place in green, shady, nondescript, alternate locales.
Well employed by residents and visitors up here soon they will come to your town or sector.
The massive steel receptacles, hauled in all the way from Utah, are capable of handling everything from white lie misnomers to full out industrial mid-winter “ I can’t believe I did that” sins to naughty thoughts to that long ago regret that was never brought to closure.
“The last thing we need around these dumpsters is a lot of moralizing,” said Prez Pabste, vice president of Above Ground Compactions at Al’s Backhoe of Crested Butte, the firm that introduced the guilt dumpsters back in 1980. “Do you know the manpower required to move 20 cubic tons and this debris and bury it 20 feet deep?”
That, as Pabste claims, is the chore, the residue, the reality of half-baked ideas. Most agree the guilt dumpsters are therapeutic and self-enriching. They make us better neighbors. They allow for introspection and in some cases they wipe the slate clean. It is only when the contents are jiggled around that they approach toxic levels.
Many here have expressed concern over the brutality unprofessional collection of guilt and the failure of some to follow the basic rules of common sense and safety. For instance, dumpers are required to arrive with all drop guilt packaged in a hermetically sealed box (provided by the gov’ment with your tax returns) and undergo the dehumanizing effects of a hastily arranged precautionary spot-check operated by off-duty Transportive Sincerity Adaption (TSA) officers and their friends.
“This guilt shit is heavy duty,” continued a pear psychologist from Marble where the guilt dumpsters could land as early as Friday. “Schofield (Pass) doesn’t have the infrastructural methodology to conduct such a move,” said Dr. Efram “Carl” Pennywhistle, a fellow in Carbondale. “Look at the mess the bighorns leave each fall and they are pretty much self-contained.”
Already satellite businesses are springing up in the vicinity of the culpability canisters. Two counseling centers and liquor store plan a grand opening in September while St Roscoe’s Basilica is expected to participate in the expansion with mobile confessionals for those mired in the Bark Ages.
“It’s compunction, contrition and convolution!” exclaimed Pabste, elbowing his way back into the limelight of crisp dialogue. “There is no excuse for illegal dumping now!”
To locate your guilt dumpster/culpability canister consult your GPS or just stare into the mirror until the data appears. This will not provide a little schedule, addresses and hours due to security concerns. You may go on-line at www.callussomeothertime.com but then another federal agency will have your email information.
“Your attention on this matter is of the gravest uncertainty as consciousness gradually shifts into fifth gear.” stressed Pabste.
– Fred Zeppelin
“I’d love to spend a few hours standing here at the grill discussing the plight of the urban coyote but we’re out of lard and I have a a very drunk line cook to contend with.”
-Red to Muffy Hollandaise at Red’s Gravy Heaven, next to the Giant Turd Fossil RV Park zip line, Escucha al Monte.
Uncompahgre To Run South in November
(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the seceretive Department of the Exterior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river while there are surviving species even in the South Platte flood plain have petitioned for the project since 2010.
The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until November.
“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this Ouray County place existed. There are no movie theaters, bowling alleys or It’s really nice but what do the people do in the winter?”
The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.
“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors commercials.”
– Uncle Pahgre
That’s why they call it red, Fred
Red Mountain snapped from Brown Mountain in the San Juans
EXPIRATION DATES DISCOVERED ON CONGRESSIONAL BOTTOMS
(Washington UPS) Summer interns, desperately filing abandoned bills and tabled legislation in Senate chambers, have uncovered what look to be tiny, barely discernible serial numbers on the bottoms of elected officials. The codes look to contain dates that might well warn of termination, conclusion or closure of some sort.
“Are they are not meant to operate after these dates,” asked one innocently dressed Congressional page. “Is there a safety issue at play here? A health risk?”
As our reader can certainly comprehend many of the pseudo-royalty that inhabit that hollowed workplace are scared to death that they will lose their cushy, benefit-laced jobs. These entitled insiders have bogged down the governing body so that it no longer governs, it just twitches at the polls and spits across the aisle every so often to see if anyone is paying attention.
Unlike the warning dates displayed on grocery items and cleaning products there were no refrigeration or storage instructions on the “overdue” politicians. The number and letter combinations are often scribbled illegibly (almost as an after thought) along the lower extremities, especially under the arms and on the bottoms of the feet. Other dates coincide with the money switch which accepts but doesn’t always record the fiscal benefits that go with the position and personal gifts acquired from admirers and favor seekers.
Some of the coded data even access coin slots that allow a supporter to make a discreet campaign contribution on the run. Others feature a digital date that shows up like a scratch lottery ticket.
“These designations clearly indicate that many Congressmen have overstayed their welcomes,” continued the intern, who shied away from giving his name for fear of reprisals against his family. “It’s no wonder nothing is accomplished. It’s like parking a fleet of old wrecks all over the highway and then wondering why the traffic is backed up.
For centuries lobbyists has attempted to distract from the data by pasting bright labels on otherwise dull packages. Another clever ploy borrowed from the detergent and cereal box marketers: “New” is often employed to mask the same old…same old that follows these “honorable” dinosaurs along to the bank and broker.
And the march of a fragile and teetering contingent of incumbents doesn’t end there. Take the Supreme Court for instance: Clarence “Uncle” Thomas weighs in at 74 years and Samuel Alito Jr., at 72 . Isn’t it high time these people call it quits?
“All members of the judicial and legislative bodies will be examined by medical and tattoo experts just as soon as we are finished running the Congress across the coals,” said Jerry Fuaaa, a former wannabe Representative, turned election saboteur, from the state of Bliss.
“It is not only difficult to find the expiration dates under the long black robes of pomp and circumstance but I tell you they’er there,” he said, raising his voice to be heard over a group of school trip children in Washington to observe the gov’ment in action.
“The allegedly indicting labels are sometimes difficult to decipher even within well-healed, well lit and well-intentioned assemblies. We have discovered a throng of what might be expiration dates adjacent to the imposed morality button, but is often blurred,” according to Fuaaa.
“Term limits have bitten on us the posterior,” said the Bliss boneyard candidate, “It’s like welfare for the undeserving, security for the already wealthy. He then wandered off into further gilded thought – referencing the Spanish Inquisition, even though most of the historically challenged representatives in The House thought that was the name of an insurance company.
-Tommy Middlefinger
“I don’t really want to do anything, I just want to own.”
– Gen. Worthington Bulbous, Military Industrial Complex
HOW TO CLEAN YOUR WOOD FLOORS WITH A DOG AND A CAN OF TENNIS BALLS
Keeping the dust down
If you’re like me you get oh so sick of sweeping, mopping, vacuuming your wood and tile floors only to realize you are simply moving the dirt around. Even if you manage to get it all there is tomorrow’s batch of new dirt and dust poised below your doors and drifting through your windows. At best all that we have achieved is a temporary reprieve from the grit.
Then I noticed my ace in the hole, my canine resource, my overachieving retriever of bouncing objects and saliva who was only too happy to help me complete my cleaning projects with next to no effort on my part. No broom, no dust pan, no bending, no discarding of that fine dust that inhabits these Rocky Mountains.
I had reasonable expectations, logical twinges, hopeful encouragement and a treat or two to sweeten the deal. It was so easy that it didn’t qualify as a bona fide solution but it worked. It was genuine enough, if not an accepted proper method of cleaning. I simply threw a tennis ball across the living room and watched my four-legged associate go to work.
If one is prone to sea sickness or victimized by a weak stomach the results of the first session may be tough to swallow. The tennis ball soon becomes a mass of dirt and debris from your floor*. The grime is held in place, if only for a moment by involuntary dog drool and other spital originating somewhere in the depth of secretion and glandular order.
*It works on wood, linoleum, tile, marble, concrete and yes even non-shag carpet
Since dogs, even corporate robot ones, don’t generally reach out it is the responsibility of the human to make the first move. In most episodes the dog’s reaction will come simultaneously to the first airborne tennis ball.
One helpful tip is to moisten ball before the first round. This allows the mutt oral comfort and keeps the mouth fuzz at a minimum. Then spend a little time tumbling the ball in your hands for even distribution of your scent so your pooch partner knows who is in charge. Trouble shooting, although it looks dandy on the table, is irrelevant since one will clearly see the relativity of success from the kickoff. Projections are worthless. Either the dog has the talent or he does not.
Always keep dishes of water handy, clear of furniture and breakables, limit distractions such as TV and strangers on the playing field. Food should not be an option unless it is in the form of tiny treats which will only set parameters and can be terminated as soon as the canine realizes the fun that can be had simply catching the ball. Seek a balance where everyone is happy and nothing is demolished.
If you’re planning to use an ankle biter to clean the dust off your floors make sure its mouth is large enough to manipulate a regulation tennis ball. A small mouth will never work due to low saliva production per square inch and the inability to snatch the ball out of the air and spit it back to the thrower.
Cooperation is everything. Could Rover or Fluffy make competent homemakers? Unlikely
Can they cook? Not very well. Other talents may emerge structured entirely by attention span
If you are set on employing multiple dogs for big work areas please read my essay on Multiple Canine Dusting, and be sure to pair up dogs that like each other.
And cats? Forget it. Not for work -for ambience, suave and cosmic flow. Just ask one.
With proper application you too can have a cleaner floor and a more meaningful relationship with man’s best friend.
