All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Earth is sole planet says Vance
“And global warming is no threat”
(Middletown, Ohio) Vice Presidential hopeful J D Vance told a group of intergalactic oil drillers here that earth was indeed the only planet in the solar system and that their efforts at oil extraction in outer space were good for America.
Saying that “God told me” Vance went on to discount earlier findings that the solar system was crammed with heavenly bodies.
“Show me one place in the Bible where they talk about Mars or Martians invading the earth,” said Vance, to a chorus of laughter. He quickly turned serious then added that with the Martian threat gone the administration could now focus wholeheartedly on the War on Liberals. Silence.
The Kentucky denied allegations that his comments reflected a conflict of interest due to former associations with the oil industry. Frowns.
“Back when I was at the helm in Ohio we were subjected to the same kind of harassment by narrow-minded people who think the earth was created to be preserved. What nonsense. I don’t remember reading about any environmentalists crossing the Red Sea or fighting with the Philistines.”
Again Vance got a throng of guffaws, mixed with tearful laughter.
When asked about Martian landings by unmanned spaceships and an assortment of high tech photos that have been collected over the past five years Vance said that he could not answer in that the activity in question was a matter of national security.
“I’ll say this: He smiled. “If I was a passenger on a United Airlines Flight to Disney World I’d be far and away more comfortable with Donald Trump in the cockpit than I would his Democratic challenger.”
Vance ignored countless questions by reporters as to his immigrant status, that of one time Briar Hopper turned Buckeye.
– Sergio Jingle
Howdy Amendment Travels to Senate
(Barnacle-on-Potomac) Western hospitality is alive an well after three weeks in the House of Representatives. That’s where the populist Howdy Law has been hanging its’ Stetson since mid-August.
Originally bulldogged into law by the Montrose (Colorado) City Council and quickly approved by the County Commisars, the Howdy Law has received quite a little press since it’s virgin implementation at this Western Colorado town in 2004. Lots of other municipalities and counties have adopted the legislation. Some have written it into city and county ordinances while others have simply encouraged the local population to live by the simple do unto others creed that is inherent to a healthy society.
The Howdy Law, as originally written, simply calls for outward signs of friendliness by saying Howdy to people one encounters on the street. It endorses gregariousness as a way of life and the end result is a happier, thriving population. For long timers it’s the only acceptable way to be, and is therefore comfortable in all social exchanges. For the urban refugee it is restorative and hygienic. It allows the soul to bloom in its new environs.
Now the federals are on the verge of passing legislation that would adopt the Howdy Law as the edict of note and quite possibly the prescription for what ails us as a nation. In most cultures a greeting is basic. Here in the suburb-choked, viagara-dollar days USA we are more likely to run someone over with our shiny new car than to belt out an amicable hello.
At first the local Howdy Law was based on the honor system but after a few months a person could expect a toothless summons for any sign of animosity in the face of such a greeting. To be sure there were those who said their right to be anti-social was being eroded and the civil libertarians jumped into the fray. A lawsuit was filed and people got hot and sweaty. Fortunately the paperwork was mysteriously misplaced and the court records allegedly remain stashed under a pile of dog-at-large citations and drunk driving plea bargains in some judge’s basement.
In 2003 then Governor Bill Owens signed a breakthrough bill that adopted the Howdy Law all across the state. It became the bible for the tourist industry with dude ranches teaching their little dudes and dudettes to employ it on trail rides and ski areas demanding that their close-cropped employees say Howdy to visitors as many as 200 times per day. Owens felt the bill would help further develop the state along the lines of the Republican agenda.
What these greenhorn mercantilists often don’t remember is that the whole thing started here on the banks of the Uncompahgre River where the concept of Howdy is as natural as blue skies and sure as sagebrush. Despite rampant growth and questionable land use over the past years Montrose remains a friendly place. Even the cops say Howdy, then they put on the cuffs.
Do some of us think friendly is not cosmopolitan or sophisticated enough? The other evening in what was once a small town I stood in the checkout line at the grocery. There were lots of people there that I had never seen. No one spoke. Were they all from California? Suddenly in my advanced state of Holy Joe judgment I realized two things, 1.) I was the only guy in a Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops 2.) In my attempt to get on with the purchase of my whipped cream and chunky salsa I didn’t say anything to anyone either.
Estrangement often precipitates violence as the disaffected act out their fatal frustrations. We don’t have to bring up road rage or kids with guns to illustrate that point (the man on TV does that for us every hour on the hour). Maybe a crisp Hello in there, as song writer John Prine put it, could defuse the situation. The feds seem to think so, and isn’t that entity infallible in matters of benevolent dictation, o’ sumpin.
Enough preaching. If all goes according to plan the Senate will vote on this matter of mandatory greeting tomorrow and the Howdy Law will be in the books (allow six to eight weeks for delivery) before the holidays.
– Fred Zeppelin
STATE TO JERKY FALL COLORS
(Denver) In an attempt to stretch the dramatic fall colors far into November state officials have implemented a plan to jerky aspen, oak and cottonwood trees still in their splendid state. Already teams of botanists have been busy in an attempt to isolate and expedite the most effective formula for the approved extension.
“First we’ll focus on the aspens since they are far and above the most popular with autumn tourists,” said Fiona Woodcock who holds a third degree in Popular Venison Culture from Cal Amari. “The oak and cottonwood are far less fragile and we think we can jerky them later in the month and still come up with a hardy supply that may last through Thanksgiving.”
The process of jerking the fall colors involves a lengthy drying process that has been proven to extend the life of other entities such as wild game and the terms of Congressmen. Aspen leaves in particular conform to the rigid properties necessary for the purist, hardly prudent jerk thinking of the Third Enlightened Period.
“We have experimented with canning and applied freezing since the Sixties,” says Woodcock “What’s important is to harvest the chosen leaves and introduce them to our methods before the natural process takes hold. Rest assured that we have gone to great lengths to protect the birds and fury little animals who call the trees their homes. They have until tomorrow to evacuate.”
Even though leaves and most bark samples are void of nutrition many desperate people tend to eat them come February or March when other supplies have been exhausted. Unlike leaves from tree farms, where an assortment of fertilizer and additives are employed, these wild trees offer supplement-free leaves, roots and bark.
“Many mammals enjoy a diet comprised of mountain vegetation throughout the winter. We plan to test the jerky on herd animals, state prisoners and even fish before the snow falls,” said Woodcock. “We’ve already turned the bear on to the spicier blends and they liked it…of course they’ll eat anything that one leaves lying around.”
Residents and visitors are asked to stay clear of jerky operations until the end of the month when the Department of the Interior will join state agencies in presenting an open house to further explain their priorities. For a map of the more concentrated jerky operations contact the gov’ment agency of your choice.
– Small Mouth Bess
Women wins lottery, gives cash to cats
(Norwood) Murial Armbruster used to live on cans of tuna and tins of condensed milk which she shared with all the stray cats in the neighborhood. Now, days after winning 4.3 million in the Colorado Lottery, she’s eating lobster and most of the local cats are rich.
That’s because she gave away all of her winnings to the kitties.
“I set up little trust funds for the cats so that they would never have to go without again,” she sighed. “I could have given it to my relatives but they’re all just a bunch of drunks and would waste the money on cheap beer and Nascar.”
Armbruster said it made her feel good that the cats still roam the neighborhood, begging food and a place to sleep, just as if nothing had happened.
“The dumb bastards don’t even know they’re rich, she cackled.
The wealthy winner has moved her double-wide to the sunny side of Grand Avenue and has even purchased a small plot of land (loaded with rodents) on Norwood Hill for her charges.
“OK, so I didn’t get so much as a card of thanks from any of them but in their own way they have shown that they are grateful.”
Excelsior Resumes Flights
(Sapinero) Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs” has resumed a roster of popular domestic flights as of this weekend promising to continue to provide fine upstairs service at bargain basement prices.
Included on the daily flight schedule through hunting season are: Nucla to Naturita (10 am and 10 pm), Ophir to Gladstone (12:30), Colona to Paradox (3 pm and 5 pm) and Pea Green to Peach Valley (8 am and 8 pm unless it rains).
The much publicized Sunday morning champagne flight from Bostwick Park to Cimarron was temporarily suspended when it became apparent that the plane had been piloted by two six-year-olds who did not possess proper credentials. According to insiders the two managed to see over the control panel by sitting on copies of the San Juan Horseshoe.
“The kids did a great job,” smiled Answan McDermitt, president of Excelsior. “The real reason we stopped making the trek was that we couldn’t find a source for fresh oysters and horseradish.”
– Pepper Salte
Dog Rental Biz Booming in Butte
from The Butte Beagle – June 25, 2012
by Estelle Marmotbreath
Everywhere one sees people walking dogs…All shapes and sizes of dogs…and not just in Totem Pole Park or Bad Dog Alley either but on patios and in alleyways up and down Elk Avenue. Sometimes it’s tough to tell who owns whom or better yet…why a canine companion is part of the welcome wagon disaster for refugees from the growing population, desperate to reconnect with nature while living in a remote alpine city
Renting a dog is easy and fun. A visitor to the town can hire an escort of sorts and better fit in to a place gone dog-happy decades ago. Today there are no less than seven dog rental agencies operating in Gunnison and Hinsdale Counties and all are anticipating a strong fiscal showing in the second quarter.
“Small, happier dogs are the rage now and should finish well into the next two month span. Seasons change along with trends which go a long way toward dictating behavior on the street,” said Dag Katz, owner of pioneer Doggie No Bite Canine Rental, recognized as the father of the dog rental profession. “We offer all sorts of dogs since the weather up here is very kind to them. No fleas,” he said.
“Of course when winter returns we will be beset with requests for Huskies, Malamutes and a Saint Bernard or two…the usual large, snow maniac/fireplace decoration. We should be taking delivery on out winter line any day now,” he fretted. “I just hope they get the sizes and colors straight.”
The expenses mount up to include training, nurturing and grooming as well as feeding, shots, collars, dishes and kennels.
“A person can spend a fortune feeding dogs in the off-season,” but without a secure staff in place we cannot handle demand during the high visitor months. Our dogs are good,” he smiled.
After six weeks of stringent obedience school each of our canines earns an associate degree in hospitality studies. All have mastered hand gestures, travel in the rear of pickups, fetch, howling at the moon and sitting outside bars for hours waiting for the most important person on earth to emerge from his darkened hole.
Fees run from $200 per day for more exotic breeds while an average “townie” brings $45. All have grown up here under the harsh totalitarian leash laws, but otherwise stressless environs. Be advised: If you have your heart set on a Golden Retriever on a Saturday in the summer you had better book well in advance.
Most encounters are pleasant although Katz recalls an episode when a otherwise gentle male German Shepherd named Z-Max kept a family of 4 at bay in the entryway when it became clear that they had neglected to return from the restaurant with a treat bag for Z-Max.
“They could be there still for all we know,” laughed Katz. “Usually my dogs can sniff out a turkey in the beginning. Imagine the rudeness of returning empty-handed to the lair. I think Z-Max felt like a cheap whore.”
And now, right on the heels of advancements in dog hair repellent Katz has announced a new line of pooper bags that are purchased outright by the environmentally conscious consumer.
“They are made of strong, bio-degradable dog poop and no, we don’t want them returned to us,” said Katz, turning serious for a moment.
– Felix la Gnat
Strange monoliths continue to spring up

Monoliths like this one continue to show up all over the Rockies. The refined pillars of stone, or sometimes brick, arrive with no baggage or clear origin. NASA and more clandestine federal agencies have remained closed mouthed on the issue blaming incendiary artists, sculptural anarchists and hermits who live in caves for the odd, vertical monuments. Local residents are warned to check their yards and pastures for intrusions or suspicious behavior on the part of neighbors or livestock.