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Vatican Denies Shift in Population Policy

(Roma) High ranking officials here vehemently deny that Pope Francis has broken ranks on the subject of birth control. Responding to accusations that the Pontiff liberally tossed condoms to the crowd while on a recent trip to Latin America, the Vatican argued that limited access from the Popemobile would make that impossible.

But it’s all over the internet.

The Popemobile, currently in the shop for repairs in Mexico City was not available for examination. The usually infallible vehicle hauls the Pope around in a high security, transparent bubble so that the poverty stricken masses can view the alleged heir of St. Peter up close and personal.

In an official announcement a Vatican spokesman said, “The Pontiff didn’t throw anything out of the Popemobile due to a severe injury suffered during a meeting with Fidel Castro years ago.”

According to inside sources the Pope and the deceased Cuban dictator, although separated by mounds of philosophical red tape, came together over their mutual love of baseball. One eye-witness confirmed reports that the Pope tore a rotator cup during a pickup game of catch in the courtyard at Columbus Cathedral. The injury prevented him from taking part in an exhibition game in Managua (Nicaragua) the following day.

“He’s a natural catcher although his knees are shot,” said the source. “He had an almost magical way with Fidel, (a former pitcher) and we hear he swings a mean stick.”

Getting back to the subject at hand the saint-happy Pope then concluded his visit in Guatemala by canonizing a Mayan taxi driver from Totonicapan. The driver, Juan Nomoore, disappeared while in police custody in 1991. He is said to be representative of the thousands of Mayans who lost their lives during a bloody 30-year civil war that was put on the back burner in 1996.

The new saint, technically Blessed until all precincts are in, replaces the legendary Maximon as patron saint of population control. Maximon has moved on to represent the coffee in lobby in Antigua.

The population of Catholic Guatemala is expected to double by the year 2035.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

      

One third of deceased roll over in graves

(Chicago) More than 30% of persons buried in over 1000 cemeteries across the country roll over in their graves at least once a year. According to a contingent of funeral directors and graveyard personnel, the habit or practice of rolling is not always due to what’s going on upstairs.

“We think of the deceased as reacting to a situation in our world but often the rolling is simply an attempt to get more comfortable or to readjust focus.

Cynics suggest that the entire matter is ridiculous and that when a person is dead he can no longer move.

“That’s what I thought before I started working in the field,” said Abe Teller, director of maintenance at Elysian Acres on Lake Michigan. “Some nights we can actually listen to the activity which, although subtle, is detectable to the trained ear.”

Teller went on to say that some gravestones actually shake and that the dirt is unsettled while other rolls are slight and leave no evidence of a shift.

The old expression referring to rolling over in the grave has been in use for centuries and is generally employed to describe response to a shocking or contrary action that occurs on earth after the deceased is buried. In the case of cremation these episodes have yet to be  documented.

“This place gets noisy on the weekends,” chuckled Teller, “especially after visits from loved ones.”

– Small Mouth Bess 

Bake sale to encourage world peace

(Gunnison) A combined bake and gun sale is scheduled for Saturday, May 28 on the campus of Western State College here. Included in the fare will be doughnuts, eclairs, brownies, subversive cookies, strudel, cream puffs, hand-held missile launchers and assault rifles. All profits will be fed back into the social system earmarked for organizations dedicated to world peace. If you know any please bring contact numbers to the sale. Immediately following the sale a seminar entitled Gasoline and War will be presented by the twisted student union. 

TECHIES CLONE BUCKET OF WATER

TECHIES CLONE BUCKET OF WATER

(Gothic) Scientists at the Rocky Mountain Biological Lab here have successfully cloned a pail of water. Working around the clock since last June, these cutting edge researchers confirm that water was created, albeit in small proportions, after combining genetic cells of several indigenous species with captured moisture and a residue of hydrogen and oxygen molecules.

Other than that they aren’t talking. 

Overshadowed for years by projects aimed at cloning everything from chickens to people, the water creation came about with little federal funding, the operations budget evolving from alternative sources and dry humor. 

Many of the day to day expenses were covered by local environmental groups with the remainder of the research money coming from state and local water boards, militant ditch riders and ranching interests.

“Most water boards, especially on the Confront Range, made their contributions anonymously or under the umbrella of hastily contrived public corporations,” said Oral Waters, executive director of RMBL. “They didn’t want anyone to connect them to this innovative approach in case it failed and the whole place went up like a wild flower.

The cloned water is on display at the aforementioned museum through February 30, when it will be shipped to Denver for analysis. Already conservationists have filed a lawsuit to prevent the water from being adjudicated for suburbs and golf corpses in the Denver metro area. They say that once the phenomenon reaches the heavily populated areas to the east the Western Slope will never get it back.

Meanwhile scientists here contend they can clone even larger amounts of water just as soon as they gain

Research scientist poses with archaic desalination apparatus moments before successfully cloning a bucket of water at Gothic, Colorado. Investors here hope the discovery will ease water shortages and allow humans to continue to abuse the life sustaining element.

approval from regulatory boards and someone’s federal government.

“They want to make sure that the excess water does not adversely affect the price of existing water,” continued Waters. “It’s like oil, milk or many other liquid forms. An abundance of water could cause prices to drop and result in a negative impact on the market.”

Many local watchdogs warn that the price of water has always been in the bargain basement and that any new water in this valley would be welcome news. 

Acknowledged as the breakthrough of the century, the creation of abundant water supplies will change everything, they say. Meanwhile related offices have been flooded with phone calls since the weekend.

“What the rest of the Rocky Mountain concerns do with this new found treasure is still not clear,” said one environmentalist. “Soon we may see more green fields, experiments with high yield crops, more trees, less desert and, yes, more golf corpses. We have skirted the issue for far too long thinking that new sources of the life liquid would be found. Now we appear to be on the threshold of ice-cold discovery.”

Physicians, set on pathological career advancement and fame associated with medical breakthroughs, have focused on cloning living things for decades. Despite condemnation from the government and religious groups they have blindly followed task, the medical hierarchy smiling in approval.

“For no other reason than the earth’s overpopulation this research must be terminated,” said Waters. “We don’t need any more people. But we do need a lot more water!”

Moments after the announcement a host of corporate interests were on the scene attempting to file patents, carve out deals and make claims of the new water. They seek to control the cloned substance and thus sell it to consumers at exorbitant prices.

“It’s the American way,” said one real estate executive who seeks to gain rights for a 10,000-home suburb east of Denver. “We have no water now but we have to keep feeding the monster that we have created or he’ll turn on us. Look at the pharmaceutical companies. They get away with whatever they like. If the people ever rise up and take back what is theirs we’ll all be on the chopping block.”

Waters would not comment when asked if his research would lead to the cloning of snow. He did say, however that the RMBL needed storage containers, cisterns, troughs and a backhoe so as to continue to clone the wet gold.

“What good is anything without water,” he pontificated. “So what if we drill for a million barrels of oil? It can’t keep people from their thirst. What good is a pickup load of gold if the driver is parched? We envision two men. One has a bag of gold, the other a cup of water. When push comes to shove which one would best benefit from an even trade?”

Scientists went on to assure supporters that his water was of the finest quality and tasted just like all the other water in the region.

“It’s fresh, clear and bountiful…and best when served cold,” he quipped. “The first thing on our extended agenda is to return the rivers of this country to their original state, then I myself plan to take a long, hot shower.”     

– Kashmir Horseshoe   

Crested Butte Council Notes

The Crested Butte Town Council voted last night to end the controversial community sleeping bag program that has been less than effective this winter. Initially the plan was to provide sleeping bags for the needy at strategic locations within the town limits. For example, if someone got stranded on Whiterock rather than his/her destination on Sopris there would be a warm bag to sleep in for the night. Bags were placed at the post office, at Clark’s Market and at the Center For the Arts, plus at all bus stops.

It may have been a great humanitarian plan but it was abused by the homeless, hippies and yuppies working late. 

“It was getting so that the needy couldn’t even find an unoccupied bag, even if they started looking at sundown,” said one council person.

In other business the council voted unanimously against a ski area plan to offer Ski Miles to customers next season. Saying that the area should simply cut the promo hype, and drop lift tickets to $30 per day, the council refused to accept the ski mile program. Modeled after the airline incentive program, where consumers gain credit for expenditures air miles, the offer was meant to replace Free Naked Skiing.

In closing, the elected officials agreed to come to the aid of an overworked Loveland Post Office next Valentine’s Day by allowing its local post office to handle a bulk of the mail sent to Loveland. Although a nice gesture, council members reminded the public that the postmark would say Crested Butte rather than Loveland. 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

DO FISH HAVE SOULS?

Reflections by Rev. Phil Pharisee

Many of you have asked: Rev. Phil, do fish have souls? Well, haven’t you ever heard of filet of sole? 

Listen, brothers and sisters, I haven’t a clue. My sermon this week is about drive trains and sluggish transmissions but I’ll give it a whirl. 

Here’s the hook: If earwigs, flies, spiders and prairie dogs have souls why wouldn’t fish be equally equipped? Just because they are cold-blooded doesn’t mean they cannot go on to another life. Should we eat them? Why not? They don’t care. Once they’ve been caught they’re pretty much washed up anyway. Bear eat them and so do a lot of other animals. It’s all part of the digestion cycle, much like our own frozen food aisle.

Actually fish have it petty easy just so long as they aren’t gobbled up by other fish. While spawning is immoral, laying eggs is perfectly all right. Catching trout with a license is ridiculous. They like worms and salmon eggs far better. Should you use a boat? Sure, just as long as you do not entertain obscene thoughts out on the lake. 

The other night when I was in conference with you know who he told me, “Chill, Phil. I can really get behind the people who help themselves and don’t bother me with all their petty problems, their mindless situations. There’s just too much doing onto one and other without facing the consequences. The hot seat is in store for a lot of them who think they have secured a first class ticket going up. I think another Spanish Inquisition would clear the air…”

Candid enough. So fish do have souls. Now tickle that collection plate and get on with life. Those in the first pew now shall be in the back of the bus later. Adieu.