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ADOPT A WASHBOARD HALTED

(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom with summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.

“We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed-out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.

Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.

“What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”

Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact. 

Plan to create more land gets commissioner approval

(Almont) A sweeping new blueprint which would effectively create more land in Gunnison County got by a major stumbling block Thursday as the Gunnison Board of Commissioners voted unanimously to give the plan a go.

The concept, brainchild of Tiera Tiera Tiera, a Denver geophysical consulting firm, calls for the expansion of current acreage some 10% each year over the next few years resulting in an additional 145,000 acres at the end of the program, which is expected to be concluded before 2030.

At first cold to the idea the commissioners warmed up when told that the expansion would be comprised of 40% wetlands and another 35% dark timber contemporary, comparable to the Ohio Pass region and lands above Crested Butte. The remaining 25% of the new land would be alpine and sub-alpine tundra.

Environmentalists reportedly have reserved final comments until a public hearing, slated for early 2022. Although cynical at first, many seem to have adopted the idea from a custodial standpoint allowing potential conservation measures to overcome preliminary fantasies and physical laws.

“We can envision acres of greenbelt, surrounded by Nature Conservatory parcels dotting the landscape,” said one High Country Citizens Alliance source. “We know what these people are up to and it has to do with feeding the building boom. Sure, we can tolerate a few more trophy homes just so long as at least half of the land is protected from development for all time.

If the land expansion goes as proposed, Gunnison County officials will be hard pressed to find enough wildlife to fill the newly created vacuum. Expanding the current deer and elk herds won’t be much of a chore but attracting the right kind of predators, more trout and twice the eagle population could take decades. All parties agree that preserving the food chain remains a top priority. 

“People take the elements of living here for granted,” said one commissioner. “Do they think all of these animals just showed up last night? And what of the trees and plants? It took generations for these intricate elements to meld as one ecosystem. If we are going to pursue this exiting experiment with space we want to do things right. Rushing into a poorly conceived notion at this point will spell trouble down the road.”

Already the largest county in Colorado, the newly emerging landscape could, in a few years, represent a mass larger than several New England states and the District of Columbia.

“We’re not map snobs,” said a spokesman for Tiera Tiera Tiera, “or megalomaniacs intent on expanding our reality for the sake of power or profit. We just want to offer rural counties the option of positive growth beneficial to everyone…you know, more elbow room. When the first pioneers arrived they didn’t have to deal with land use codes, covenants or easements. Why? Because there was more than enough room for everyone, except of course uncooperative residents like the grizzly bear and the people who already called the place home.”

Whether the existing population centers will expand has not been discussed at press time nor was the necessary construction of new roads connecting old land with new. Percentages of vertical to horizontal parcels likewise has not been undressed.

“We’d like to see more people able to buy land, more animals grazing, more water, said one commissioner, “and, yes, even more sagebrush. Let’s not forget the sagebrush.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“You will never find peace with these fascists

You’ll never find friends such as we

So remember that valley of Jarama

And the people that’ll set that valley free.

From this valley they say we are going

Do not hasten to bid us adieu 

Even though we lost the battle at Jarama

We’ll set this valley before we’re through.

All this world is like this valley called Jarama

So green and so bright and so fair

No fascists can dwell in our valley

Nor breathe in our new freedoms air.” 

― Woody Guthrie

Interview with Muffy Hollandaise

Ms. Hollandaise, outspoken on everything from leash laws to HIV, lives in her Bear Creek condominium purchased with McDonald-Douglas stock. Although a flame-throwing liberal she supports Israel and thinks the guys and gals down at the World Bank would be fun on a date. We caught up to her in the Montrose Wal-Mart parking lot.

Horseshoe: Good day. I see that you like Taco Bell. You have lived in Western Colorado for almost a year. What do you think of all sprawl south of Montrose?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: That’s nice. You wear your activism well. Do you think there is any solution to global warming?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: Yeah but it’s part of the greater whole. Are you afraid of terrorists?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: What about the trade deficit and the growing competition with China?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: Where is China?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: What about the Mideast, the private contractor abuses, the costs of maintaining an army there and the perception of the Arab people as to our goals in the Mideast?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: What about the movement in South America to rid themselves of World Bank and IMF extortion on that continent?

Muffy:” I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: Who will win the Democratic nomination for President in 2024?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: Do you think the US needs a firm policy concerning illegal aliens coming into the country?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: Are there UFOs flying around up there?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: Is the world coming to an end?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: What about all of the starving people all over the planet?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: What would you do if your bank burned down?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: What if Sawpit was washed away in a flood?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: What if someone developed a feedlot adjacent to the Valley Floor and established a tuna canning plant on Bear Creek?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: What do you do to make the world a better place?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: What if, all of a sudden there was no more gasoline to buy?

Muffy: I live in Telluride.

Horseshoe: What about the prospect of total annihilation due to nuclear warfare or an accident like Three Mile Island or Chernobyl? 

Muffy: I live in Telluride

Horseshoe: Where do you live?

Muffy: I beg your pardon. That’s getting very personal.

Starter Colonies in Cyberspace Anticipated

(Hotchkiss) Scientists attached to the Roger’s Mesa Alien Study Institute at Lazear say they expect starter colonies in cyberspace by 2025. Crowded conditions and the lack of farmland on earth were cited as the major reason for human relocation to the otherwise uncharted terrain.

At present, research indicates that cyberspace is ready to support inhabitants and sustain life forms such as animals and plants. 

“Most of us fall into one of those categories,” laughed Dr. Laura Borealis, Director of the Institute that was established to counsel dogs and monkeys sent into outer space in the 50s.  

According to a host of filed reports cyberspace is endless enough since asphalt, tacky subdivisions and mindless sprawl, are still illegal within those environs. Although oxygen levels fluctuate and gravitational concerns have yet to be undressed, the scientists have given a firm thumbs up to the more than 200 potential homesteaders who have applied for high-speed trip permits and thousands of dotcom caches up to 80 acres.

“Cyberspace pioneers may feel like a one-eyed cat in a henhouse or even a dog on three legs right now,” said Borealis, “but they are a resilient group in search of a better life for their children where clean air and water are the rule and all is in sync with nature. Sure, things are mellow around here but that is not the case on most of the planet.”

Conflicts with the Hotchkiss National Fish Hatchery have been blown out of proportion, according to the director who emphasized that there is a place for trout, as well as kokanee salmon in cyberspace. Principles at the hatchery have repeatedly accused the alien study institute of mollycoddling recovering space travelers and secretly housing refugees from Aspen. 

“I’ve pretty much had it up to the gills with these fishwits,” winked Borealis. We have always been careful not to muddy the water or observe the trout during intimate spawning moments. Any moron can tell you that mixing trout with the aliens, galaxy-challenged chimps, stressed out doggie astronauts and even our technicians is bad medicine.”

Borealis added that the fish hatchery people were simply jealous in that they are not allowed to send clients into space.

In a related development, NASA is calling agricultural experiments on the Martian surface “a dismal failure” in that tomatoes grown and picked green there before shipment to markets on earth taste like plastic.

“Even though they are all shined up and look exactly like tomatoes they taste like cardboard,” said one genetically altered NASA investigator. “They just ain’t maters.” 

– Suzie Compost  

FWIPPING OFF AW VEES IWEGAL

with Elmer Fudd

Hewo fwends and welcome to Cowowado. Wemembew due to Cowowado Waw it is now iwegal to fwip off Awe Vees on ouw state highways. This new waw incwudes evewyone!

Tip: Pwease don’t weave youw widdle doggie wocked up in youw hot aw vee whiwe you are enjoying dinnew. It gets pwetty hot this time of the yeaw and widdle dogs can melt.

Tip: Bwing awong baloney sandwiches fwom Oklahoma or whereber you pass through and save money.

Tip: Wemove youw wear view miwwow so that you don’t have to wook at all that twaffic behind youw wig.

In addition twy to wemembew that fweak stawms can wuin your aw-vee outing. A high wind can bwo you wight off the woad and wightning is common in the aftewnoon in the mountains. Twy to stay off youw cell phone when Mothew Natuwe is acting up. At night be shuwe your widdle dogs are sleeping inside so they don’t end up as wunch fow some predatow on the prow.

Final tip: If you see that you have more than eweven caws behind you on the woad, puwe youw wig over and let them pass safwey. Good mannews on the highway is of benefit to eveweyone. Have a wewaxing summer.

Fresh free-range, organic goat eggs. Still in the shell. Seasonal booty only. First come-first served. No realtors. Gates open at 5 am. 38592368945275 Road. Honk. I got mean dogs. Market Price.

Local parrot to call bingo finals

Local parrot to call bingo finals

(Hooverville) With a voice as crisp as falling eucalyptus leaves, a red-sided eclectus parrot named Moses will once again call the 187th Annual Western Executive Bingo Finals here August 6 through 19.

Although he often plays several side cards and wins an excessive amount of the time, Moses remains a local favorite with board enthusiasts. Pruning his feathers, Moses calls the combinations and allows ample time for even the most challenged player to scan his card and respond appropriately.

The parrot speaks very clearly and annunciates with the best of them. Episodes of misunderstanding and defaults are almost non-existent when he holds the reins in the bingo cage. He also speaks Spanish, French, Quechua and Huelgoat (Britany) Gaelic, just in case.

When someone shouts Bingo! Moses gets all worked up, often flying around the room and dive-bombing unsuspecting players while screeching at the top of his once-tropical lungs.

At Club Marmot, his familiar weeknight haunt, the Jingo Bingo Jackpot sits at 6 million dollars as of last night. Moses is expected to be on hand to call the last five letters and numbers and award the prize. Technically domesticated, the bird still bites when exited and most be restrained and guided as to proper bathroom etiquette and wall chewing. 

“This parrot, like most of his species, suffers from spurious gas attacks,” said handler Keno Karuba. “I have to surgically cork him before public events, otherwise the little fella can really stink up a hall. I remember a night in Moline when he called bingo after a Unitarian sock hop. He almost knocked himself off his little perch. I’d swear his voice was an octave higher after that one.” 

From Hillsboro, Grenada, Moses honed his oratory/auditory verbal skills in Imagonagetcha Parish, Louisiana, the home of world-famous bingo callers that ply their trade all over the globe. Hearing that there was an acute shortage of bonafide bingo callers in the Rockies he moved to Colorado in 1995 with the Karuba family. 

“His coonass dialect has always been a hit with the newly arriving Californians in so many bingo halls and shanties in these parts, quacked Karuba.

Also known as psittacines, parrots come in roughly 398 species, although many are endangered. A 40-year life span is normal, while the owlish Kakapo can live up till 80.

At first, imitating human words and sounds is cute and clever according to a slew of parrot and bird lovers, but the relentless parrot chatter gets old fast. Moses will continue to call bingo long after everyone has relinquished his cards. He is said to go all night long and into the dawn unless one puts the cover over his cage. 

Moses and the refined Bingo call

“B-49 seems to be his most favorite combination. He says it all the time,” Karuba confessed, “followed by G-16.”

Molly Etchabarron who has won over 3 million dollars playing bingo locally since 1952 and has spent little of the loot. She prefers to personally escort her winnings through the front door of Lords of Boards Rest Home, a secure station for captured rooks, squandered monopoly fortunes, cribbage castaways and broken backgammon barons. BGR Home has recently expanded, offering counseling and shock treatments for recovering crossword puzzle addicts and late-night weegie board trollers.

“Imagine the kind of moron that would encourage a parrot to call bingo games,” said Etchabarron, “when pets such as goldfish and ferrets contribute to one’s inner peace. I bring my Oranda goldfish, Earl, to Tuesday night bingo/casserole night and he hasn’t a clue as to what is transpiring inches away from his portable tank.”

-Puffington Budgie