All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Schicklgruber family sues Trump for plagiarism
(Munich) Because Adolf Hitler’s father Alois was born out of wedlock, the Nazi leader used the last name “Schicklgruber” until adulthood.
Long before, In 1876, Alois changed his last name to “Hitler,” when he added his stepfather’s name to his birth certificate. More recently, descendants have gone back to the original Schicklgruber, apparently not wanting to use the named Hitler due to possible negative associations to mass murder and genocide.
The word schicklgruber is translated from Austrian-German (Adolf’s birth tongue) as “money-grubber” or “fate-digger”.
The above-mentioned legal action claims that the part-time resident of the White House, Donald J. Trump did willfully and menacingly steal speeches from the Fuher and has cherry-picked passages from other writings, particularly Mein Kampf and a particularly dreary, and little known, Liebe und Lebensraum, a pathetic, drug-laced romance novel penned by Hitler (the spicy scenes reputedly created by Rudolf Hess) while the former cooled his heels in Lansberg Prison in 1924.
If the mustachioed Corporal Hitler had been snuffed at the Battle of Galicia/Lemberg (August–September 1914) like more than 450,000 Austria-Hungarian and Russian combatants, none of this would have mattered and the author of this piece could be sitting in his sunny Antioquia plaza sipping lattes and anejo rum, gazing at beautiful women instead of pontificating up here in a shabby treehouse redoubt.
Dire warnings began flooding in way back in 1924, with one ultra-critical uncle red flagging Germany’s future leader.
“I’d damn sure keep an eye on that swarthy bastard. He’s a wing nut without a washer.” – Uncle Otto Hitler, Swabian cabinet maker
“He was a nice kid before the Great War and before he donned that stupid mustache.” – Helga Schicklgruber, maternal grandmother’s third cousin and occasional gardener.
“Be careful of Adolf. He’s not quite right.” – Rolf Greeger, fellow Austrian soldier, who spent time in the trenches with Hitler despite bone spurs that should have kept him back in Berlin for the duration of the conflict.
“I know nothing.” – Sergeant Hans Schultz, fictional German guard in Luft Stalag 13 (Hogan’s Heroes television program).
-Fred Zeppelin
Stacking Wood For Spring Still Requires Building Permit
(Gunnison) If you plan to construct a wood pile for the this spring first you must acquire a building permit from the appropriate gov’ment entity. Stipulations as to the size of the structure and longevity of its very existence will determine the cost of such a license.
Residents are also reminded that they must own at least two lots and have utilities in place before the first piece of oak or aspen is chopped and stacked.
Although thought to be extreme by some, the new litigation should raise nearly $5000 in revenues which will be earmarked for a Christmas party for sanitation engineers in December. Known as the Garbageman’s Ball, the event fell out of favor with the local city council when it became apparent that 70% of the city’s population relies on garbage men rather than elected officials to get necessary information on city matters. Rumors of intensive beer drinking at the ball further clouded the public appraisal.
The council intends to follow through with this plan if it’s the last and only thing they do before Memorial Day, according to a source there.
“At least we’re the ones they show on TV interviews, and not those garbage ruffians,” said one council member.
The weekly council meetings are shown on closed circuit TV every Monday night following I Love Lucy.
Meanwhile in adjacent Crested Butte, leaders praised themselves for restraint in this matter. In Telluride, local politcos, bruised by recent local labor strife, also lauded official moderation on the general subject of wood stacks.
Readers will note that both ski burgs have strict wood burning ordinances and the zones are virtually wood stack free as of press time. Anyone building wood stacks there could be indicted for disturbing the peace unless they are doing it according to pre-approved exercise regimens.
– Rocky Flats
Gen de la Realeza Aislado
(Vail) El tan buscado Gen de la Realeza, esa unidad hereditaria que determina quién pertenece a la realeza y quién no, ha sido descubierto en ratas de laboratorio en un búnker subterráneo en las profundidades de la cordillera de Gore Tex. Conocido por los expertos como el Gen de la Reina, que también forma parte de un cromosoma, el Gen de la Realeza parece ser más prolífico en poblaciones de ratas que presumen de herencia real o privilegios debido a su dinero en el banco.
“Si se creen reyes, tienen más probabilidades de ser coronados reyes que una rata común en la calle buscando comida”, dijo un investigador que no estaba cualificado para hablar sobre el asunto y exigió animosidad.
Lo que indican los postulados que surgen de estos hallazgos es que (según el difunto y gran inspector John Musick) “el acervo genético se está convirtiendo en un charco genético” y que solo unos pocos vivirán el estilo de vida suntuoso que tantos anhelan. Para evitar parecer políticamente incorrectos o insensibles, los científicos insistieron cuidadosamente en que el llamado Gen Reina no tenía nada que ver con preguntas relacionadas con la preferencia sexual.
El mayor problema al que se enfrentan ahora es encontrar suficientes ratas voluntarias para continuar los experimentos.
“Las pruebas que se realizan aquí no son más dañinas que una simple vacuna contra la gripe”, explicó el científico. “Por muy descabellado que parezca, necesitamos que estos roedores intervengan ahora, ya que son parte integral del programa.
Cómo lidian las ratas con los residuos, con la realidad aparentemente desequilibrada, es asunto suyo”, dijo el investigador.
– Small Mouth Bess
Interview with Muffy Hollandaise
Ms. Hollandaise, outspoken on everything from leash laws to HIV, lives in her condominium purchased with McDonald-Douglas stock. Although a flame-throwing liberal she supports Israel and thinks the guys and gals down at the World Bank would be fun on a date. We caught up to her in the Montrose Wal-Mart parking lot.
Horseshoe: Good day. I see that you like Taco Bell. You have lived in Western Colorado for almost a year. What do you think of all sprawl south of Montrose?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: That’s nice. You wear your activism well. Do you think there is any solution to global warming?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Yeah but it’s part of the greater whole. Are you afraid of terrorists?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the trade deficit and the growing competition with China?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Where is China?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the war in Gaza, the private contractor abuses, the costs of maintaining an army in Nigeria and the perception of the Arab people as to our goals in the Mideast?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the movement in South America to rid themselves of World Bank and IMF extortion on that continent?
Muffy:” I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Who will win the Democratic nomination for President?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Do you think the US needs a firm policy concerning illegal aliens coming into the country?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Are there UFOs flying around up there?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: Is the world coming to an end?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about all of the starving people all over the planet?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What would you do if your bank burned down?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What if Sawpit was washed away in a flood?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What if someone developed a feedlot adjacent to the Valley Floor and established a tuna canning plant on Bear Creek?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What do you do to make the world a better place?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What if, all of a sudden there was no more gasoline to buy?
Muffy: I live in Telluride.
Horseshoe: What about the prospect of total annihilation due to nuclear warfare or an accident like Three Mile Island or Chernobyl?
Muffy: I live in Telluride
Horseshoe: Where do you live?
Muffy: I beg your pardon. That’s getting very personal.
-Melvin Bedwetter Toole
“Boredom is a sure sign of a mediocre mind.” – King Albert I of Belgium, July, 1914
COINCIDENCE CORNER
Former President of Brasil Jair Bosonaro went on the wagon (parou de beber) and it landed him in hiccup surgery not once but twice ?
Why are there no confiscated Maduro drugs on display as proof of the recent holy crusade? Where are they? Do thy smell like petroleum or is that a coincidence too?
Is it just a parallel occurrence that the once thriving Kennedy Center for the Arts. accidentally spelled trump with a small t. The so-called Justice Department kicked off massive manhunt for perpetrators. Many say: Is it some kind of strange coincidence that the typo occurred just as the public received the news that Sativa was added to domestic terrorist list?
Is it a just a coincidence that ICE is attempting to make thug violence look normal and preparing us for martial law?
“The only person not being investigated for the shootings of Renee Good and Alex Pretti are the federal agents who murdered her.”
Is it just a Coincidence that Cliff-Notes for Mein Kampf were found on Air Force One and smuggled to news outlet in Greenland. Apparently they had been left by mistake by an unknown reader. Were the Nazis of 1933 this stupid?
Is it a coincidence that ICE and Iran’s Revolutionary Guards eat the same thing for breakfast? Secretary of State Rubio heartily supported riots in Iran but in the US he labeled demonstrators “domestic terrorists”.
Turning Point is just another brain washing aimed at the young. Isn’t it coincidental that a crazed yet right-wing educated shooter downed Poor Charley after the latter began criticizing Israel’s genocide in Gaza?
Isn’t it strange that jingoist bullying and book burnings are just a match away as classics come under the scrutiny of little brains? Soon the US will be joining Russia and China as the third pariah to most other nations of the world.
–Tommy Middlefinger
Eternity Inc.
Here we are in the heavenly boardroom of boardrooms, perched on a corporate cloud insulated by inhumane cubicles in the prestigious neighborhood near the Pearly gates. Sitting back in vests and cigars are Michael, Peter, Gabriel, Moses, Paul and Himself, the Creator and CEO. They have just concluded a final phase of a secret merger that would destroy the dominance of Lucifer International in the highly competitive, universal soul industry. Lucifer and his thugs could finally be brought to their knees if the spreadsheet was accurate. The time had come to streamline the operation here at Eternity Inc. and raise the funds necessary to deliver the deathblow.
Peter: Let’s just sell the Holy Roman Empire franchise we bought from that crooked Dutch pirate back in 1806. It must have some market value.
Gabriel: The numbers on that particular stock don’t add up to much.
Moses: Then I suggest we sell the Red Sea property and list the condos in Egypt and Jericho.
Peter: Our Joshua subsidiary won’t care for that. They’ll perceive it as a desertion, subject to a hostile takeover.
Moses: Joshua and his people can be replaced, Sir.
Michael: If we sell the Holy Roman Empire stock, the Red Sea land, the California Angels, the New Orleans Saints and the party box at South Bend we could pull this off.
Creator: Interesting. Good work, boys. But I have to tell you that for decades I have been considering the possibility of dropping the entire project.
Michael: Do you mean the entire human experiment?
Creator: I built the joint once. I can do it again and maybe the second time around with fewer botches and less conflict. There are plenty of stars out there and plenty of anxious species. Now, tell us again, Gabriel, what exactly do our numbers say?
Gabriel: They are far from conclusive. Production has been way down since the last audit. Nothing seems to help us lower operating costs while Lucifer chips away, gaining more and more of the soul pie. Natural resources on earth are dwindling, nuclear energy has arrived and yet all attempts to introduce new technology have been resisted at every turn by these pathetic creatures. Professionally speaking I would clearly suggest at least a sellout.
Creator: And what are the projections on potential buyers?
Michael: If I may interject GF, we have made every attempt from collective bargaining to fringe holidays but the humans won’t get on the straight and narrow for nothing. After over 2000 years in the saddle we are now at the point of diminished returns. Investment ratios are out the window. Anarchy looms. Sadly, I must agree with Gabriel.
Creator: If we dump the earthly portfolio how much are we talking about here?
Peter: We have 2.3 billion invested counting future escrow, low interest loans, salaries, pensions and benefits. The whole deal can’t be worth more than 5 or 6 in this sluggish market. That means we stand to make roughly 2.5 billion and gain temporary operating capital of 2 billion.
Creator: And that’s enough to close the door on Lucifer?
Peter: By about $300,000, Sir, if non-monetary factors remain stable. We could probably borrow money from the Vatican. They still have gold from the Spanish mining incursions in Peru and Mexico in the 17th Century.
Creator: Maybe the American Pope can be persuaded to open the vault. Well, I’ve got a 10:30 tee time. I’d like you to conclude this matter this morning. Any final thoughts, Paul?
Paul: I feel our best margin is in the franchise market. I’d like to sit on it for a few decades…but the thought of crippling Lucifer? That is tempting beyond words.
Michael: Let’s not forget that we have an emotional attachment to earth. We all love weekends in Dublin or lunch with the Archbishop of Canterbury. What about the ski trips to Park City and football in the Bible belt? That said, if we sell we need tyo act quickly. No sense alerting brokers over at Lucifer.
Creator: Moses?
Moses: I hate to be negative but I’ve been watching the place deteriorate since they built the Great Pyramids. Lucifer keeps gaining souls with the same old tired message we had 4000 years ago. If we keep it we have to revamp it. If we can’t afford to do that much then we have to let it go.
Creator: I trust your judgment boys and I’m behind the eight ball with the carpeting of Purgatory and painting those Elysian Fields. Money is tight.
Moses: Then let’s sell it to one Philistine or another. The decision has been made for us.
(Peter, Gabriel, Paul and Michael seem to concur.)
Paul: They had their chance down there on earth. Instead of relishing the paradise before them they worry about what comes after. They have missed the ferry over the River Styx.
Creator: I guess that about wraps things up. We dump it. There are plenty of lost souls that will thank us later…Now where did I leave my pitching wedge?
– Melvin Toole, Vicar, Oracle of the Blinding Light
