All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
DATA BACKS HOPE OF NIGHTLIFE ON MARS
(Cahone) Initial data sent back to earth from Mars Pathfinder indicates that a nightlife exists on the Red Planet. Martian rover craft, scurrying about the surface, revealed multicolored rocks, craters and other geological features that are much like those in places like Las Vegas, Rio de Janeiro and Bahrain. Weathered ruins of what appear to be neon signs dot the landscape leading scientists to believe that nightclubs once loomed.
One such spot, dubbed Barnacle Bills’ by NASA sources, could have been the kissing cousin of such modern shrines as the Hard Rock Cafe or Señor Frog’s. Gray rock formations, discovered in the shadow of a region dubbed “Twin Peaks”, may well have been the amphitheaters of days gone by. Long whitish stone outcroppings may have been bars, the carefully placed black boulders busy waitron stations.
“The lounges, clearly visible in most of the pictures, suggest that the Martians of past centuries liked to kick up their heels,” said one geologist on the Mars team. “Imagine a landscape that closely resembles Northwest New Mexico or Eastern Colorado. Doesn’t it stand to reason that living in a forsaken spot such as this would create the need to go dancing on the weekends?”
The majority of scientists studying Pathfinder’s contributions feel that Mars had a watery past.
“Scotch and water is not all that far fetched,” said another researcher. “Rocks are scattered around just like the meteor craters in Arizona. We think they functioned as metamorphic bar stools.”
One NASA secret document continually makes reference to a simulated Martian landscape called “the Sandbox”. A spokesman for the aerospace engineers would not comment directly on what this indicates, nor would she respond to questions having to do with prehistoric light shows, go-go cages, happy hours or how a bottle of Polish vodka appeared on Pathfinder when the sun went down.
– Rocky Flats
Pele Passes
Pele, Edson Arantes do Nascimento, one of the greatest athletes to ever lace up his spikes died yesterday in Brasil. His feats on the field and his presence off the field were first-class at every turn. He was 82.
Christmas Planned Again for 2023
(New York) With the final approval of federal and state funding, it appears that consumers will be thrilled with the holiday season again next year. As recently as one week ago, with the private sector dragging knuckles on promises to match the assets accrued from a system of floating bonds, things looked bleak.
“It’s not about money,” he smiled.
Supporters of Christmas have been accused of using ancient guilt techniques and playing into fears of impending social disorder in the attempt to raise consciousness and, in turn, money toward the goal. They say that since the holiday has been around so long, it would only follow that it should be preserved both from a religious and a secular approach.
“Without the continued assistance of our state and federal bureaucracies, Christmas would be relegated to the status of say, Halloween or Valentine’s Day,” said Ira Elfin, founder and treasurer of Christmas ‘23. “We fully realize that these holidays are important but that economically speaking Christmas consistently kicks butt.”
Elfin explained that the holiday season was not about money yet year after year more money is circulated during the holiday season than on all the other holidays combined.
“Yes, flowers and candy generate substantial dollars, but that figure,” he smiled, “does not even come close to the money spent on worthless junk during the Yuletide. In addition, people will go without fireworks or cranberry sauce but then Christmas rolls around and the same people adopt an oh what the hell attitude and spend money they may not have. They even buy presents for relatives that they don’t like.”
Elfin thanked the credit card companies, the elevator Christmas carol pushers, the tree industry, the makers of an assortment of pine sprays, the weather, the replacement Christmas light bulb concerns, Charles Schultz, the wrapping paper giants, the clever card writers union, Bing Crosby and Belle Elfin, his wife of 133 years, for his recent ascension to greatness in the field of Christmas marketing concepts.
“It’s not about money,” he stressed.
Although the funds needed to pull off Christmas next year has not been estimated , conjecture has it that it is a whole lot more than was needed for Christmas 2022.
“It’s just more expensive to pull off than it was back in the Fifties,” harped Elfin. “Why, insurance on Santa’s sleigh, reindeer rights, elf unions and the type of presents coveted by little kids put the fiscal motion of the celebration into outer space. Do people really think that just because Christmas is sacred that it can side-step reality? It’s a business, son. Nothing more and nothing less, at least from our perspective,” he frowned.
Elfin added that Christmas ’23 would kick off on or about Thanksgiving Weekend and run through December, culminating on December 25, with the following week dedicated to getting over the entire experience in time for a New Year’s celebration.
“We hope to hold New Year’s on January 1 again so as to be in compliance with all the calendars printed in August,” he said.
– Al Kahall
Bass boat fleet arrives at North Pole
The first frozen bass boat arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.
But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.
“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”
One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.
“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.
News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.
“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Greenland,” squawked another puffed up elf.
The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pol landmarks and Santas’ immediate family.
“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”
For a related piece turn to What to buy for a stranded polar bear? in Life On Ice
ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY
We have grown tired of extending these seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the holidays we will reach deep and try to smooth a few feathers once more. First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing in the November issue regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste. Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that this was the case. The prints, as it turns out disappeared the night before this issue was to be put to rest and we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City de-lousing effort and some color pictures of pretty Christmas lights at the one of our many private prisons.
Repeated references to Groppo’s relationship with booze were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens (People he drinks with in town). Implications that Groppo’s physical stature and mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetle burgers, twinkies. rocks and pressed swamp grass, are true. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s personal dietitian and favored bartender.
Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo have once again proven to be unfounded and illegal. We did not ever say that his immediate family were drug addicts only that the current inhabitants of his family tree looked like junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics, but rather that they were simpole drunkards, since most are broom closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.
Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide.
– Editor
