ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY

 We have grown tired of extending these seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the holidays we will reach deep and try to smooth a few feathers once more. First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing in the November issue regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste. Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that this was the case. The prints, as it turns out disappeared the night before this issue was to be put to rest and we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City de-lousing effort and some color pictures of pretty Christmas lights at the one of our many private prisons.

Repeated references to Groppo’s relationship with booze were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens (People he drinks with in town). Implications that Groppo’s physical stature and mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetle burgers, twinkies. rocks and pressed swamp grass, are true. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s personal dietitian and favored bartender.

Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo have once again proven to be unfounded and illegal. We did not ever say that his immediate family were drug addicts only that the current inhabitants of his family tree looked like junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics, but rather that they were simpole drunkards, since most are broom closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.

Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide.

– Editor