All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

OLD NUMBER 7

I was sitting in the school cafeteria complex enjoying and loathing a candy bar and an order of fries, respectively, when I happened to glance up.  There in a glow of an Asteroid game was the man himself – Mickey Mantle.  Old Number 7 in you programs.  The Mick.

Incredibly, astoundingly, no one else noticed him.  I couldn’t believe it!  The man hit over 500 official into the seats and no one cared enough to even say “Hi ya Mick.”

Well I, for one, was not going to let an opportunity such as this pass me by.  Choking down one last potato, I sidled over to “the man.”  “The franchise.”

“Say, aren’t you –“ I began.

“Sure am, “ Mick finished, thrusting to avoid a small asteroid fragment.

“Better hyper-space, Mick, I advised.

He did, and none too soon.  “Thanks, kid.”  Mick’s quarter lasted for about twenty more minutes.  I was impressed.  No doubt about it – a true champion on the diamond and off.  After the game (and after gathering my courage), I invited Mickey on a guided tour of the community college campus.  He gladly accepted.  As always, more than gracious.

If I live to be a hundred I’ll never forget the look of astonishment on the Mick’s face when he first laid eyes upon the Dental Science Building.  “That’s some building, kid.”

“Wait till you see inside,” I enthused.

Ten minutes and twenty classrooms later, the Mick summed it up: “I guess teeth are mighty important.”

“Sure are,” I agreed, beaming form ear to ear.

Next we toured the Library.  Top to bottom.  Inside and out.  Mick was impressed.  “You mean the kids can actually check books without paying for them?” he asked, incredulously?

“Biggern hell,” I said, playfully cuffing him on his chin.

About this time, nature called upon Mickey.  “Where can a fella wring his root around here?”  Like a fool I started telling him about all the fine restrooms we have at the community college.  Enough for a school three times it size.  I was about to give him the per capita urinal count when he interrupted.

“One is plenty, kid.”

Nature appeased, we directed our feet to Furniture Hall.  There, in respectful silence, we watched as ten diligent, dedicated students gave birth to a foot rest.  Awe engulfed us.  I suddenly felt immortal.

We then headed south to the Commercial Arts department.  En route to one of several fine galleries, Mickey told me how much he loved and appreciated art – especially the ‘poker-playing dogs.”  He was truly amazed at all the great talent we saw displayed.  “Damn,” he said, more than once.  I had to agree.  “Some of these kids can really stroke ‘em, huh, Mick?”

“You betcha,” said Mick, full of vim.

After that, we visited several other points of interest.  Went to the Service Careers Building and looked on anxiously as seventeen nursing students worked diligently to save the life of a transparent mannequin.  We even dropped by Machine Hall and watched them de-gunk a battery terminal.

The tour ended where it began – the cafeteria.  Munching 5th Avenues and socking down Tabs, we talked.  Some of the stuff Mick told me was incredible.  For instance, during a two-week period in 1954, Yogi Berra was gay.  But, he soon snapped out of it and went on to become one of the game’s all time greats.  And the things Mick said about Casey Stengel.  His drinking, his gambling, his sadomasochistic love affair with Irene Ryan.  I could hardly believe it.  Had anyone else been saying these things I would’ve bonked their breezer.

All too soon, Mick glanced at his digital and said, “Gotta go, kid.”  The hours had seemed like minutes.  Seconds, even.  As Mick rose to leave, I felt like I had to say something.  Something other than “so long.”  My mind swirled with possibilities.  Finally, and even though it was only September, I blurted out, “Merry Christmas, Mick!

Mick stopped at the glass exit doors and turned to face the cafeteria.  “And to all a good night!” he shouted.  Then, he was gone.  Down the walk, into his car, and gone.  But not forgotten .  Good Old Number 7.

-Steve Cooper

 

Pharmaceutical Companies Seek Drugstore Cowboys

(Gunnison) Three of the nation’s largest pharmaceutical companies were in town over the weekend interviewing drugstore cowboys for prospective positions. Of the over 200 applicants, some from as far away as Creede, 12 were invited back for a second meeting slated for Tuesday.

Slow going this time of the year and the above average wages associated with jobs in this industry were cited as reasons for the high turnout. An unusual turnover rate among employees working in the research field may also account for the monumental response.

“Most of our applicants were interested in positions riding shotgun on drug transports or intercepting the elderly engaged in buying cheaper prescriptions in Canada,” said one employment counselor who says she talked to at least 100 persons Saturday alone. “A few were even curious about bit parts in commercials,” she said, “but what we’re looking for is research associates.”

Research associates, as this reporter soon learned, are nothing more than guinea pigs that are paid to undergo testing of new products not yet approved by the FDA and thus not yet released to the general public. Although the pharmaceutical companies did not attempt to misrepresent their needs they were less than clear as to real opportunities.

“Nobody said nothin’ about drug tests at the barbecue last night,” said one unemployed Almont wrangler who was subsequently rejected for a research position because of the size of his ears. “We all thought these folks was legit!”

Another cowpuncherette who claims it would take getting kicked in the head before she’d take so much as an aspirin said she felt betrayed.

“I shoulda known that when they told me I had to check my spurs at the door that something was haywire.”

The interviews are conducted annually all over the Rockies but these were the first centered on Gunnison. – Signelle de Bushe

Absenteeism Up in Ranks of Self-Employed

(Ogden) Alarming statistics compiled here suggest that chronic absenteeism among persons who “work for themselves” could threaten the continued operation of the Internal Revenue Service. It appears, as collected data strongly indicates, that a point of diminished returns has reached its apex with regards to taxpayers willing to work for little to nothing.

Directly following the most recent IRS feeding frenzy 4.2 million self-employed people failed to show up to work at least once a week while another million played hooky 60 percent of the time…at a business that (on paper at least) they own!

“What we see emerging is a burgeoning motivational problem that threatens to embrace an insulated state of unresolved neurosis,” said an official release from the taxing service. “We are currently examining the statistics to determine why the owner of a company would “call in sick” so often to his own business.”

The release went on to say that behaviorisms common to the test group indicate that small business is getting no relief from the federal gov’ment and that high taxes in a lame economy could well be affecting the general work ethic.

“Why get up, get dressed and drive to my business when I’m not getting paid?” said the CEO of a chain of shoeshine stands out by the airport. “If the IRS continues to fleece us they could at least give us a ride to work, and maybe buy lunch once in a while.”

Absenteeism within the ranks of the IRS has been nil during the same time period. Most agents say they like their jobs and the tiny power base it affords them when dealing with evaders and malcontents.

“We will not sit idly by while a throng of elitist provincials ruins it for us,” explained one agent here. “We must maintain the status quo or the wheels will come off and we’ll have to look for work. I have my number two pencil right here and I am not above poking one of these tax criminals right in the eye with it.”

In response to these concerns the House and Senate promise to continue partisan bickering over such mainline subjects as legalization of hemp, the reading of the Constitution, gay marriage and how many illegal immigrants it takes to change a light bulb.

– Small Mouth Bess

 

Spring Remedial Geography QUIZ

Try this one! Which state does the Utah Jazz call home?

That’s an easy one. But with ongoing federal attempts to improve education for all, we must arrive at some common denominator. That’s the point of the following: Along the lines of current dulce dome thinking, if everyone succeeds and scores in the 90th percentile that must mean education is functioning right along with everything else in society.

If it’s not fixed don’t break it.

So let’s get those literacy rates up. The schools are already there so let’s go ahead and run them all summer!  It is with the application of these simple solutions that euphoria will overrun our basic social institutions and we will achieve the goal of more ineffective education for all. You betcha. Amen.

 

1. In 1883, Mark Twain wrote Life on the Mississippi. What river was he talking about?

a. The Gunnison

b. The Missouri

c. The San Miguel

d. The Mississippi

 

2. In what country do the Chinese reside?

a. Japan

b. Holland

c. Wyoming

d. China

 

3. What four state capitals where named after former American Presidents?

a. Austin, Phoenix, Columbus and Sacramento

b. Madison, Lincoln, Jackson and Jefferson City

c. Montpelier, Carson City, Baton Rouge, Winston-Salem

d. Hoover, Wilson, Roosevelt and Nixon.

 

4. Is Alaska farther north than Alabama? When?

 

5. What do Oahu, Maui, Hawaii and Kauai have in common?

 

6. In what country is Norwegian the official language?

a. Sweden

b. Finland

c. Norway

d. Chad

 

7. In what country are the Austrian Alps located?

a. Mexico

b. Austria

c. Italy

d. Germany

 

8. The saying “When in Rome do as the Romans do” is attributed to what city?

a. Paris

b. Rome, Italy

c. Rome, New York

d. Antwerp

 

9. Rapid-fire daily double!!! Name two countries that touch the Indian Ocean. What does the Continental Divide divide? What city in Georgia is named after Christopher Columbus? Ohio?

 

10. What country did Rickey Ricardo come from?

a. Pakistan

b. South Africa

c. Cuba

d. Bolivia

 

11. Over what nation was the Battle of Britain fought?

a. The Nation of Islam

b. Canada

c. England

d. I don’t know. I wasn’t alive then. Maybe Utah.

 

12. What country dominates the Mexican Peninsula?

a. Costa Rica

b. Venezuela

c. Mexico

d. Tijuana

 

13. Which has a larger landmass, Greenland or Iceland? Russia or Monaco? Saudi Arabia or Israel? Australia or Denmark?

 

14. What is the literal translation of Newfoundland?

a. nice doggie

b. new found land

c. Codfish paradise

d. big, cold trailer park on the way to the Arctic Circle.

 

15. Just who named Hudson Bay?

a. James Brown

b. Little Richard

c. Henry Hudson

d. L.L. Bean

 

16. The Scottish terrier was bred in what country?

a. Yes

b. Iran (Persia)

c. Scotland

d. Luxembourg

 

17. What country is known for Swiss cheese and discreet banking practices?

a. Czechoslovakia

b. North Korea

c. Switzerland

d. Haiti

 

18. Spell Egypt.

 

19. What’s the difference between North Dakota and South Dakota?

 

20. If you had Prince Edward in a can where would you keep him?

a. Britain

b. Nova Scotia

c. Prince Edward Island

d. North Carolina.

 

Send your answers and $15 to Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427.

If you are chosen you will receive nothing. Thanks for taking the test.

 

Bomb Threat No Substitute for Poor Planning

SPECIAL FROM THE MADRID SQUID WRAPPER & WRESTLER

(Madrid) Hector Gomez running was late. His whole family was running late and, upon further examination, he found that his wife and oldest daughter had not yet begun to pack. It was 11:15. The plane was scheduled to depart at 4:00 and the airport was at least an hour away. He had six round-trip tickets to Morocco but the whole expensive excursion was in serious jeopardy.

What’s a father to do? The only sensible idea is to call in a bomb threat on the flight. That way the departure time would have to be postponed while security people searched for the bomb, and the Gomez family could make the flight and would not have to forfeit their fare. What could be simpler? He looked around at the mess that was his home and got on the phone.

“I’d like to call in a bomb threat,” he said. “On flight number…just a minute…I have it here…Flight #7728 to Morocco.”

“And where is your departure city, sir?” asked the voice on the other end.

“Why Madrid, of course.”

“Is that first class or coach?” asked the voice

“It’s for the whole plane,” Gomez shot back wondering about all the questions.

“Will there be carry-ons?” the agent continued.

“For a while,” Hector laughed, “then the whole plane is going up!”

He was enjoying the exchange having experienced robotic, bored-to-death agents in the past and now finally having one of them over the barrel.

“So, exactly what kind of a bomb has been employed?” asked the agent.

“I don’t know. It’s just a regular bomb, you know with a fuse and some explosives attached. I’m an accountant not an explosives expert…Wait,” thought Gomez realizing that if he wanted the airline to believe his story he would have to be more specific…”It’s a ticking bomb in a brief case, a brown leather briefcase…with a Real Madrid decal on it. Yeah, and it’s welded to the landing gear!”

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” said the agent. “I can see you’ve gone to a lot of trouble to pull this off, huh?”

“Yeah, well it’s no trouble at all thank you,” Gomez replied.

“So what time’s it supposed to go off?” asked the voice from the other side.

“Oh, about 5:00 pm,” he said.

“That’s right during supper,” gasped the clerk. “That won’t do. Can you reset the thing for later?”

“Say what? Are you out of your mind? I have a bomb about to go off and you’re worried about people getting their chicken croquet, cold, stale roll and jello?”

“Sorry, Mr…..But we have to pay attention to these kinds of things. Now, are you a member of our miles award program?”

“Why no, what’s that?”

“It’s an incentive program that rewards you for frequent flights. It’s…”

“Wait a minute. I’m calling in a bomb threat. I don’t want to join any clubs and I don’t particularly want to fly these days with all the terrorists and gunslinger pilots on board.”

“That’s nonsense. Flying has never been safer. Why we haven’t had a major crash since last Tuesday. Your taking a bigger risk out in a lightening storm, eating canned meat or driving on the freeway. Where are you calling from anyway?”

Then it hit Gomez. This agent is attempting to keep me on the phone to determine my point of origin so she can call the cops.

“How stupid do you think I am?” asked Gomez. “I know you’re just trying to keep me on the line so as to identify me. You want to keep me talking while you determine my present position…Well it won’t work. Now let’s get back to the bomb.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m going to have to put you on hold while I check through my employee manual. I’m kind of new here and this is my first legitimate bomb threat.”

And at that, Gomez is left to his own devices. Should he get off the line and protect his position or stay on to make sure she buys his threat. Then the agent returned.

“OK, Mr. Boom. I have the information and I’ll pass it along to our security people. We’d be happy to get back to you but you’re so secretive and all…Just so I get this straight: The bomb has already been placed or will you be placing it this afternoon?”

“As I have already stated the damn thing is welded to the landing gear!”

“Now there’s no reason to get surly. I’m just doing my job. There are procedures that must be followed with this kind of thing…airline policies that must be respected.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get short with you. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. It’s already 11:30 and my family isn’t even packed yet…”

Gomez caught himself. He had almost given himself away.

“So you’ll be traveling with how many?”

“Twelve,” lied Gomez, trying to draw her off the scent. “Three babies, a deaf aunt, my wife and her six cousins.”

“My that’s quite a crowd but it only adds up to eleven. Who is the 12th ticket for?”

“It’s for me.”

“Oh, well have a great flight.”

Suddenly Gomez was interrupted by his wife, Alvira, who had taken a break from her packing to tell him that there were two husky Guardia at the front door asking for him.

“I’ve got to run,” said Gomez to the ticket agent. “There’s someone at the door.’

“Bye now,” whispered the voice at the other end of the line.

– – Alfalfa Romero

EPILOGUE: Gomez is currently serving the first of ten years at the Malaga-by-the-Sea Correctional Facility. His family, miraculously enough, finished packing and made the plane that day. Despite heightened security, they actually boarded on time for supper. The flight was pleasant and they reportedly loved Morocco. Visiting day is Wednesday but they are usually late.    

 

 

 

Amenaza de bomba no puede sustituir a una mala planificación

ESPECIAL DEL WRAPPER MADRID SQUID y LUCHADOR

(Madrid) Héctor Gómez funcionamiento era tarde. Toda su familia estaba haciendo tarde y, tras un examen más detenido, se encontró con que su esposa y su hija aún no había comenzado a empacar. Era las 11:15. El avión estaba programado para salir a las 4:00 y el aeropuerto era por lo menos una hora. Tuvo seis pasajes ida y vuelta a Marruecos, pero la excursión caro todo estaba en serio peligro.

¿Qué es un padre a hacer? La única idea sensata es llamar a una amenaza de bomba en el vuelo. De esta forma el tiempo de salida tendría que ser pospuesta mientras que la gente de seguridad registraron la bomba, y la familia Gómez podría hacer el vuelo y no tendría que renunciar a la tarifa. ¿Qué podría ser más sencillo? Miró a su alrededor en el desastre que fue su casa y se puso al teléfono.

“Me gustaría llamar a una amenaza de bomba”, dijo. “El número de vuelo … sólo un minuto … tengo aquí … Vuelo # 7728 para Marruecos”.

“¿Y dónde está la ciudad de salida, señor?” -preguntó la voz en el otro extremo.

“¿Por qué Madrid, por supuesto.”

“¿Eso es de primera clase o entrenador?” -preguntó la voz

“Es para todo el avión”, disparó Gómez de nuevo pensando en todas las preguntas.

“¿Habrá equipaje de mano?” el agente continuó.

“Durante un tiempo,” Héctor rió, “entonces todo el avión está subiendo!”

Estaba disfrutando el intercambio de haber experimentado robóticos, aburrido hasta la muerte agentes en el pasado y ahora, finalmente, tener uno de ellos sobre el cañón.

“Entonces, ¿qué tipo exactamente de una bomba se ha empleado?” -preguntó el agente.

“No lo sé. Es sólo una bomba de regular, ya sabes, con un fusible y algunos explosivos conectados. Soy un contador no es un experto en explosivos … Espera”, pensó Gomez darse cuenta de que si quería la aerolínea para creer que su historia tendría que ser más específico … “Es una bomba de tiempo en un maletín, una cartera de cuero marrón … con un Real Madrid calcomanía en él. Sí, y está soldado al tren de aterrizaje!”

“Wow, eso es bastante impresionante”, dijo el agente. “Puedo ver que has ido a un montón de problemas para sacar esto adelante, ¿eh?”

“Sí, bueno, no es ningún problema en absoluto gracias”, respondió Gómez.

“¿A qué hora se supone que se van?” preguntó la voz desde el otro lado.

“Oh, alrededor de las 5:00 pm,” dijo.

“Eso es correcto durante la cena”, exclamó el secretario. “Eso no va a hacer. ¿Se puede restablecer la cosa para más tarde?”

“¿Qué dijo? ¿Estás loco? Tengo una bomba a punto de estallar y usted está preocupado acerca de las personas que reciben su pollo croquet, frío, rollo rancio y gelatina?”

“Lo siento, señor …. Pero tenemos que prestar atención a este tipo de cosas. Ahora, usted es un miembro de nuestro programa de premios de millas?”

“¿Por qué no, ¿qué es eso?”

“Es un programa de incentivos que le recompensa por vuelos frecuentes. Es …”

“Espera un minuto. Voy a llamar a una amenaza de bomba. I no quieren unirse a los clubes y yo particularmente no quiero volar en estos días con todos los terroristas y los pilotos pistolero a bordo.”

“Eso es una tontería. Flying nunca ha sido más seguro. ¿Por qué no hemos tenido una grave caída desde el pasado martes. Tu tomando un riesgo mayor en una tormenta eléctrica, el consumo de carne en conserva o en coche por la autopista. ¿Dónde estás llamando de todos modos? ”

Entonces golpeó Gómez. Este agente está tratando de mantenerme en el teléfono para determinar mi punto de origen para que pueda llamar a la policía.

“¡Qué estúpido crees que soy yo?” preguntó Gómez. “Sé que estás tratando de mantenerme en la línea para identificarme. ¿Quieres seguir hablando mientras me a determinar mi posición actual … Bueno, no va a funcionar. Ahora volvamos a la bomba. ”

“Oh, lo siento, voy a tener que poner en espera mientras reviso en mi manual del empleado. Soy una especie de nuevo aquí y esta es mi primera amenaza bomba legítimo”.

Y ante eso, Gómez se deja a su propia suerte. ¿Debería bajar la línea y proteger su posición o quedarse para asegurarse de que compra su amenaza. Entonces, el agente devuelve.

“Está bien, señor Boom. Tengo la información y lo voy a pasar a lo largo de nuestra gente de seguridad. Estaremos encantados de volver a usted, pero usted es tan secreto y todo … Sólo para que yo lo entiendo : La bomba ha sido colocada ya o va a ser lo coloca esta tarde “?

“Como ya he dicho la maldita cosa está soldada al tren de aterrizaje!”

“Ahora no hay razón para ponerse hosco. Sólo estoy haciendo mi trabajo. Existen procedimientos que deben seguirse con este tipo de cosas … políticas de las aerolíneas que deben ser respetados”.

“Lo siento. No quise conseguir a corto contigo. He estado bajo mucho estrés últimamente. Ya son las 11:30 y mi familia ni siquiera está lleno todavía …”

Gómez se detuvo. Casi había delatado.

“Así que usted va a viajar con cuántos?”

“Doce”, mintió Gómez, tratando de extraer la esencia. “Tres bebés, una tía sorda, mi esposa y sus primos seis”.

“Mi eso es una gran multitud, pero sólo se suma a las once. ¿Quién es el boleto para 12?”

“Es para mí”.

“Oh, bueno tener un gran vuelo”.

De repente, Gómez fue interrumpido por su esposa, Alvira, que había tomado un descanso de su embalaje para decirle que había dos fornido Guardia en la puerta preguntando por él.

“Tengo que correr”, dijo Gómez a la agencia de viajes. “Hay alguien en la puerta.

“Hasta luego”, susurró la voz en el otro extremo de la línea.

– Alfalfa Romero

EPÍLOGO: Gomez actualmente cumple el primero de diez años en el Centro de Málaga-by-the-Sea Correccional. Su familia, milagrosamente suficiente, terminó de empacar e hizo que el avión ese día. A pesar de una mayor seguridad, que en realidad subió a tiempo para la cena. El vuelo fue agradable y, según informes, querido Marruecos. Visitar día es el miércoles, pero por lo general son finales.

New! Click the words above to edit and view alternate translations. Dismiss

Google Translate for Business:Translator ToolkitWebsite TranslatorGlobal Market Finder

Turn off instant translationAbout Google TranslateMobilePrivacyHelpSend feedback