All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

Towns to trade noon sirens

Gunnison) Ouray and Gunnison appear to have brokered an agreement that would transfer each town’s noon siren to the other locale. The move, which has the full support of County Commissars and city crews in both places, is not expected to affect daily commerce. In most cases it is expected to go unnoticed by the general population.

Proponents of the plan say it’s good for the sirens to be subjected to new environments and, even though the towns share the same elevation, the climate and landscape differences dictate specific audio adaptation so as to fully coordinate with the cosmic flow.

“In Ouray we have a warm box canyon which is short on sun,” said one siren technician who lives in Colona. “While in Gunnison we have a wide, sunny valley long on cold. To the average person geographic variances may appear minimal but to the trained eye these subtle distinctions can spell trouble.”

The exact date of the switch has not been determined but both sides say they would prefer to wait until after tourist season is completed. The project is not expected to close major highways although there may be detours enforced and some traffic congestion on the River Road, Refrigerator Canyon and on Cerro Summit. Motorists are urged to stay calm. – Small Mouth Bess 

 

Post Office Loitering Bill Goes to House

(Denver) A controversial recommendation that would limit the amount of time legally spent retrieving the daily mail has survived a preliminary hearing and will now go the House for consideration.

The proposed legislation which calls for time limits imposed in and around a federal facility has angered many residents in Colorado who say the bill is an infringement on their rights to peacefully assemble and socialize with friends and neighbors.

“They’ve already cut out what was warm camaraderie at the local pub,” said one frustrated box holder. “Hey, nobody wants drunks on the road but let’s be reasonable. We all need a little relaxation at the end of the day and the legal alcohol levels are ridiculous. It’s looking like some more of the same with regards to limiting our post office visits. I like to hang out in front of my box and chat. Sometimes I spend all afternoon but that’s my business.”

Many across the state are echoing like sentiments saying that potential legislation, like the present seatbelt and DUI laws are only another means of controlling the population.

“They have nothing to do with protecting anyone,” said a postal sitter from Olathe. “They’re just about money. The rulers of this country don’t like people talking either. They see it as inciting rebellion or some such nonsense when in actuality most people are only talking about the weather or the price of gasoline. Whether its over a beer or over a book of stamps they see these kinds of exchanges as a threat to their power base.”

Although the legal time allotted for mail pickup had not been established when the bill was introduced on the floor it is thought to be in the neighborhood of not less than fifteen minutes.

Despite extensive lobbying on the part of such organizations as AARP and the ACLU exemptions for retired persons or the nation’s unemployed have yet to be discussed. Neither have the needs of the handicapped been considered.

“That fifteen minutes should be enough to throw away junk mail, sift through bills, stand in line for stamps, read the wanted posters and fill out any other forms necessary for general correspondence,” said one postal official. “Any more time invested in this simple procedure is wasteful and unproductive.”

It was not clear how this proposed ruling might effect mail delivery as most Americans do not currently congregate around extension facilities, mail trucks or rural boxes. At present federal loitering laws take precedence over state and local ordinances undressing abnormal behavior patterns. – Small Mouth Bess 

 

OLD NUMBER 7

I was sitting in the school cafeteria complex enjoying and loathing a candy bar and an order of fries, respectively, when I happened to glance up.  There in a glow of an Asteroid game was the man himself – Mickey Mantle.  Old Number 7 in you programs.  The Mick.

Incredibly, astoundingly, no one else noticed him.  I couldn’t believe it!  The man hit over 500 official into the seats and no one cared enough to even say “Hi ya Mick.”

Well I, for one, was not going to let an opportunity such as this pass me by.  Choking down one last potato, I sidled over to “the man.”  “The franchise.”

“Say, aren’t you –“ I began.

“Sure am, “ Mick finished, thrusting to avoid a small asteroid fragment.

“Better hyper-space, Mick, I advised.

He did, and none too soon.  “Thanks, kid.”  Mick’s quarter lasted for about twenty more minutes.  I was impressed.  No doubt about it – a true champion on the diamond and off.  After the game (and after gathering my courage), I invited Mickey on a guided tour of the community college campus.  He gladly accepted.  As always, more than gracious.

If I live to be a hundred I’ll never forget the look of astonishment on the Mick’s face when he first laid eyes upon the Dental Science Building.  “That’s some building, kid.”

“Wait till you see inside,” I enthused.

Ten minutes and twenty classrooms later, the Mick summed it up: “I guess teeth are mighty important.”

“Sure are,” I agreed, beaming form ear to ear.

Next we toured the Library.  Top to bottom.  Inside and out.  Mick was impressed.  “You mean the kids can actually check books without paying for them?” he asked, incredulously?

“Biggern hell,” I said, playfully cuffing him on his chin.

About this time, nature called upon Mickey.  “Where can a fella wring his root around here?”  Like a fool I started telling him about all the fine restrooms we have at the community college.  Enough for a school three times it size.  I was about to give him the per capita urinal count when he interrupted.

“One is plenty, kid.”

Nature appeased, we directed our feet to Furniture Hall.  There, in respectful silence, we watched as ten diligent, dedicated students gave birth to a foot rest.  Awe engulfed us.  I suddenly felt immortal.

We then headed south to the Commercial Arts department.  En route to one of several fine galleries, Mickey told me how much he loved and appreciated art – especially the ‘poker-playing dogs.”  He was truly amazed at all the great talent we saw displayed.  “Damn,” he said, more than once.  I had to agree.  “Some of these kids can really stroke ‘em, huh, Mick?”

“You betcha,” said Mick, full of vim.

After that, we visited several other points of interest.  Went to the Service Careers Building and looked on anxiously as seventeen nursing students worked diligently to save the life of a transparent mannequin.  We even dropped by Machine Hall and watched them de-gunk a battery terminal.

The tour ended where it began – the cafeteria.  Munching 5th Avenues and socking down Tabs, we talked.  Some of the stuff Mick told me was incredible.  For instance, during a two-week period in 1954, Yogi Berra was gay.  But, he soon snapped out of it and went on to become one of the game’s all time greats.  And the things Mick said about Casey Stengel.  His drinking, his gambling, his sadomasochistic love affair with Irene Ryan.  I could hardly believe it.  Had anyone else been saying these things I would’ve bonked their breezer.

All too soon, Mick glanced at his digital and said, “Gotta go, kid.”  The hours had seemed like minutes.  Seconds, even.  As Mick rose to leave, I felt like I had to say something.  Something other than “so long.”  My mind swirled with possibilities.  Finally, and even though it was only September, I blurted out, “Merry Christmas, Mick!

Mick stopped at the glass exit doors and turned to face the cafeteria.  “And to all a good night!” he shouted.  Then, he was gone.  Down the walk, into his car, and gone.  But not forgotten .  Good Old Number 7.

-Steve Cooper

 

Pharmaceutical Companies Seek Drugstore Cowboys

(Gunnison) Three of the nation’s largest pharmaceutical companies were in town over the weekend interviewing drugstore cowboys for prospective positions. Of the over 200 applicants, some from as far away as Creede, 12 were invited back for a second meeting slated for Tuesday.

Slow going this time of the year and the above average wages associated with jobs in this industry were cited as reasons for the high turnout. An unusual turnover rate among employees working in the research field may also account for the monumental response.

“Most of our applicants were interested in positions riding shotgun on drug transports or intercepting the elderly engaged in buying cheaper prescriptions in Canada,” said one employment counselor who says she talked to at least 100 persons Saturday alone. “A few were even curious about bit parts in commercials,” she said, “but what we’re looking for is research associates.”

Research associates, as this reporter soon learned, are nothing more than guinea pigs that are paid to undergo testing of new products not yet approved by the FDA and thus not yet released to the general public. Although the pharmaceutical companies did not attempt to misrepresent their needs they were less than clear as to real opportunities.

“Nobody said nothin’ about drug tests at the barbecue last night,” said one unemployed Almont wrangler who was subsequently rejected for a research position because of the size of his ears. “We all thought these folks was legit!”

Another cowpuncherette who claims it would take getting kicked in the head before she’d take so much as an aspirin said she felt betrayed.

“I shoulda known that when they told me I had to check my spurs at the door that something was haywire.”

The interviews are conducted annually all over the Rockies but these were the first centered on Gunnison. – Signelle de Bushe

Absenteeism Up in Ranks of Self-Employed

(Ogden) Alarming statistics compiled here suggest that chronic absenteeism among persons who “work for themselves” could threaten the continued operation of the Internal Revenue Service. It appears, as collected data strongly indicates, that a point of diminished returns has reached its apex with regards to taxpayers willing to work for little to nothing.

Directly following the most recent IRS feeding frenzy 4.2 million self-employed people failed to show up to work at least once a week while another million played hooky 60 percent of the time…at a business that (on paper at least) they own!

“What we see emerging is a burgeoning motivational problem that threatens to embrace an insulated state of unresolved neurosis,” said an official release from the taxing service. “We are currently examining the statistics to determine why the owner of a company would “call in sick” so often to his own business.”

The release went on to say that behaviorisms common to the test group indicate that small business is getting no relief from the federal gov’ment and that high taxes in a lame economy could well be affecting the general work ethic.

“Why get up, get dressed and drive to my business when I’m not getting paid?” said the CEO of a chain of shoeshine stands out by the airport. “If the IRS continues to fleece us they could at least give us a ride to work, and maybe buy lunch once in a while.”

Absenteeism within the ranks of the IRS has been nil during the same time period. Most agents say they like their jobs and the tiny power base it affords them when dealing with evaders and malcontents.

“We will not sit idly by while a throng of elitist provincials ruins it for us,” explained one agent here. “We must maintain the status quo or the wheels will come off and we’ll have to look for work. I have my number two pencil right here and I am not above poking one of these tax criminals right in the eye with it.”

In response to these concerns the House and Senate promise to continue partisan bickering over such mainline subjects as legalization of hemp, the reading of the Constitution, gay marriage and how many illegal immigrants it takes to change a light bulb.

– Small Mouth Bess

 

Spring Remedial Geography QUIZ

Try this one! Which state does the Utah Jazz call home?

That’s an easy one. But with ongoing federal attempts to improve education for all, we must arrive at some common denominator. That’s the point of the following: Along the lines of current dulce dome thinking, if everyone succeeds and scores in the 90th percentile that must mean education is functioning right along with everything else in society.

If it’s not fixed don’t break it.

So let’s get those literacy rates up. The schools are already there so let’s go ahead and run them all summer!  It is with the application of these simple solutions that euphoria will overrun our basic social institutions and we will achieve the goal of more ineffective education for all. You betcha. Amen.

 

1. In 1883, Mark Twain wrote Life on the Mississippi. What river was he talking about?

a. The Gunnison

b. The Missouri

c. The San Miguel

d. The Mississippi

 

2. In what country do the Chinese reside?

a. Japan

b. Holland

c. Wyoming

d. China

 

3. What four state capitals where named after former American Presidents?

a. Austin, Phoenix, Columbus and Sacramento

b. Madison, Lincoln, Jackson and Jefferson City

c. Montpelier, Carson City, Baton Rouge, Winston-Salem

d. Hoover, Wilson, Roosevelt and Nixon.

 

4. Is Alaska farther north than Alabama? When?

 

5. What do Oahu, Maui, Hawaii and Kauai have in common?

 

6. In what country is Norwegian the official language?

a. Sweden

b. Finland

c. Norway

d. Chad

 

7. In what country are the Austrian Alps located?

a. Mexico

b. Austria

c. Italy

d. Germany

 

8. The saying “When in Rome do as the Romans do” is attributed to what city?

a. Paris

b. Rome, Italy

c. Rome, New York

d. Antwerp

 

9. Rapid-fire daily double!!! Name two countries that touch the Indian Ocean. What does the Continental Divide divide? What city in Georgia is named after Christopher Columbus? Ohio?

 

10. What country did Rickey Ricardo come from?

a. Pakistan

b. South Africa

c. Cuba

d. Bolivia

 

11. Over what nation was the Battle of Britain fought?

a. The Nation of Islam

b. Canada

c. England

d. I don’t know. I wasn’t alive then. Maybe Utah.

 

12. What country dominates the Mexican Peninsula?

a. Costa Rica

b. Venezuela

c. Mexico

d. Tijuana

 

13. Which has a larger landmass, Greenland or Iceland? Russia or Monaco? Saudi Arabia or Israel? Australia or Denmark?

 

14. What is the literal translation of Newfoundland?

a. nice doggie

b. new found land

c. Codfish paradise

d. big, cold trailer park on the way to the Arctic Circle.

 

15. Just who named Hudson Bay?

a. James Brown

b. Little Richard

c. Henry Hudson

d. L.L. Bean

 

16. The Scottish terrier was bred in what country?

a. Yes

b. Iran (Persia)

c. Scotland

d. Luxembourg

 

17. What country is known for Swiss cheese and discreet banking practices?

a. Czechoslovakia

b. North Korea

c. Switzerland

d. Haiti

 

18. Spell Egypt.

 

19. What’s the difference between North Dakota and South Dakota?

 

20. If you had Prince Edward in a can where would you keep him?

a. Britain

b. Nova Scotia

c. Prince Edward Island

d. North Carolina.

 

Send your answers and $15 to Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427.

If you are chosen you will receive nothing. Thanks for taking the test.