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Swimming Hippies Kill Fish At Festival

Special from The New York Times

     Hippies swimming the San Miguel River near Telluride were blamed today for the deaths of over 400 fish in what authorities are calling the strangest case on record. A music festival was in progress on the banks of the river and the festival is cited as a major reason for the hippies’ presence in the area.

     About two hours after the hippies finished bathing in the river fish began to float to the top, certifiably deceased. A group of about fifty hippies id wanted for questioning but none have been located. Although no motive has been discussed police intend to charge the swimming hippies with leaving the scene of a crime.

Ridgway Dam To Provide Water Mains For Valley

RIDGWAY UNDER WATER?

From The Ouray Herald     September 5, 1963

(Montrose) Tri-County Water Conservancy District Directors at a meeting last week gave final approval for the inclusion of 15,000 acre feet of storage for a domestic water supply in the proposed Dallas Creek Project at Ridgway.

According to local engineering firms this amount of storage will provide ample domestic water for rural, suburban and municipal use for the Uncompahgre Valley from the dam, just northeast of the flooded town of Ridgway, to the junction of the Gunnison River near Delta.

This includes the town of Olathe and the cities of Montrose and Delta, at their discretion, and provides for future growth and expansion of the entire area. A direct benefit of the proposed system would be the available resource of domestic water at a very economical rate.

The dam is currently under feasibility study by the Bureau of Land Reclamation. That study is scheduled to be completed by December.

The multi-purpose project wood provide storage for flood control, recreation, fishery, water quality control, municipal water and water for irrigation.

“Sometimes we have to flood a town or two yielding to the onward march of progress,” said a Tri-County spokesman.

Meanwhile residents of Ridgway watch and wait as the river is expected to rise any time now. Most have stopped mowing their lawns and painting their house opting to spend free time building arks.

NO ROOM LEFT TO FIGHT TRADITIONAL CIVIL WAR

(Richmond VA) Historians have been predicting another civil war in this country since half past Appomattox Court House. Yankee academians save their projections for smoky rooms and snifter back parlors. Wide-eyed rebel saga sharers in Dixie lead with the idea of a third American Revolution. This time they come out on top.

While impulsive reenactments boom off tediously thin walls on both sides of the former Mason-Dixon Line, students of the conflict in classrooms and coffee shops, are faced with a stark impediment to resuming the war. Space.

Before we could pick up our muskets and resume canon fire we would have to figure out how to assemble a force the size of the Army of Northern Virginia or The Army of the Potomac anywhere east of the Mississippi. Sure, the battlefields have been preserved as National Parks but the surrounding area has become the resting place for exploding populations, fast food chains, textile mills and suburbs.

“Lee could not have placed his entire army in the field at Chancellorsville,” said Dr. Orem Welldigger, a fellow at Virginia Military Institute. He had 60,000 up against Hooker, the Union general with a noted tolerance for camp followers. Hooker himself had 120,000 troops,” he said. “There is no physical possibility of all of these soldiers fitting into what’s left of the countryside.”

Professor Walter Burnside, of the State University of New York at Plattsburgh agreed, pointing to a newly erected mall near the battle of Chickamauga. At that site in September of 1863 the Confederates won a victory and trapped the Union troops in Chattanooga.

Burnside, claiming direct descent from General Ambrose Burnside, who orchestrated the hopeless attack and suffered a subsequent defeat at Fredericksburg, says the South would not have defended today’s town quite so vehemently.

“The Fredericksburg of today still sits on the Rappahannock which is but a dribble to its past glory. Everywhere interstate highways and franchised food joints zig zag across the landscape,” he said. “Too many people and no vacant land to stage an epic confrontation. At Chickamauga there’s a few tourist shops hosting visitors who think they’re in Civil War Disneyland.”

Arthur Grits, a self-taught enthusiast of the War Between the States suggests that the next conflict could be fought in Nevada, Utah or Northern Arizona…maybe even Canada.

“I just drove through the Great Basin and believe you me there’s nobody out there,” he smiled. “Maybe it’s because there aren’t any bathrooms but I think the reason is actually the lack of water. Imagine if you will Union troops taking the high positions adjacent to nuclear waste dumps while the Confederates charge through the sagebrush and the piñon trees. Now that place has the room to house all the armies since the French and Indian War. Canada has space as well,” he added, but barefoot Rebel troops would be hard pressed to put up much of a fight during the winter months.”

Unfortunately for Civil War purists the Western solution just won’t do. Would the new battle of the Wilderness be fought on the shores of Lake Powell. Would Sherman burn Las Vegas? How could Confederate troops dig trenches in the caliche of the Great Salt Lake Desert?

Travelers chronicling the engagements of the Civil War often discover poorly marked Union and Confederate graveyards dominated by burger outlets, and cannonballs lodged in ancient trees cut down to make room for football stadiums, factory outlets or convention centers.

“It’s that damn Yankee arrogance that has resulted in the rape of Southern culture,” says Welldigger, who refers to the recent sprawl as “the second Yankee invasion of the South”.

“Not only did the Northerners move right in to our better neighborhoods, but they brought with them all of the trappings of federalism including welfare, television, low wage industry and pollution. The Spanish moss, the cotton fields and the magnolia trees are fighting for their lives.”

Burnside disagrees saying that many of the corporate entities slammed by Welldigger had origins in the South.

Look at the biggest cultural disaster, Wal-Mart,” he chided. “That blight began in Arkansas. Look at Colonel Sanders. Does he appear to have abolitionist tendencies? Then there’s the Black-Eyed Pea and Popeye’s.”

Maybe simple physics will deny us the chance to settle unfinished business here in North America. Maybe that’s why we can’t keep our nose out of the Mideast. Is it all that barren land?

“If Pierre G.T. Beauregard fired on Fort Sumter today he’d risk hitting three franchise pizza parlors, an IRS office, two malls, a ring of interstate highways, the corporate headquarters of Mr. Doughnut and some poorly constructed town houses along Charleston Harbor. His politically incorrect behavior might net him a summons for discharging a weapon within city limits and would certainly hurl him into a legion of lawsuits.”

Grits agrees adding that for now sworn enemies will just have to settle for fighting scrimmages in their living rooms and unfurl their blood-letting charges within the confines of video games.

“Just remember,” said Grits, “that just because our cadaverous campaigns are constipated by space restrictions there’s no stumbling block when it comes to blaming each other for the current state of affairs in this nation. – Kashmir Horseshoe

Old Tarzan

“One would think, Tarzan, that after all the good things you’ve done over the years, the things that have made you a living legend, you wouldn’t have to resort to applying for welfare,” says the social worker. “Certainly you must be in great demand for public appearances.”

The one-time King of the Jungle, now eighty eight years old, has found himself penniless and unemployable. In a last gasp attempt to survive in the modern world, Tarzan has swallowed his pride and is applying for financial aid at the Department of Social Services.He is about to undergo the preliminary screening to determine if he is eligible for government assistance. 

“Unfortunately, that’s not true,” replies Tarzan glumly. “You know the way this world is. People don’t care about past heroics. Everything is, ‘What have you done for me lately?’ And, in my case, the answer is, ‘not much.’ It seems that everyone has forgotten all the good things I’ve done. They just remember the most recent stuff.Do you know what happened the very last time I tried to warn native village about an approaching elephant stampede?”

“No.”

“Well, I tried my best, but…..,” says Tarzan, trying to hold back his tears. “I swear I tried my best, but by the time I got to the village, it was just too late. Everything was destroyed. So many lives lost. I tried running as fast as I could, but with the bunions on my toes, don’t ask about the agony I was in. Years of running through the jungle have played havoc with my feet. And I couldn’t swing from the trees to get there because the rheumatoid arthritis in my hands makes it impossible for me to  close them around a vine.”

“It seems like there are so many things in this world that can make life so terribly difficult,” says the worker trying to comfort the visibly upset Tarzan.

“You’re not kidding. It’s a…jungle out there.”

“Tarzan, I have to believe that, even despite all the things you’ve told me, people would come from miles around to see you do your Tarzan yell.”

“Oh, I stopped yelling about five years ago. I just lost it. Every time I’ve tried to do it since then, all I could do was cough up phlegm,” groans the Jungle King who begins to cough up phlegm. “Like this,” he utters, in between heaves.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the worker, obviously disgusted; and as Tarzan continues his coughing fit to point of convulsions, the worker mutters under his breath, “and even sorrier to witness it.”

After almost a minute of hacking noises that were better of left in the jungle the coughing fit subsides.

“I’m O.K. now.”

“Good. Now, to get back to your application, I see you’ve requested the maximum amount of basic needs money. Just to explain what the department defines as a basic need: it’s really every necessity other than the rent. Clothing is a basic need. So is food. And money for transportation. Now, in your case, I’d have to wonder if you really need as much money for clothes as someone else would. It would seem to me that a wardrobe consisting of loin cloths is relatively inexpensive.”

“Look at this body. Do you think I can still get away with just wearing a loin cloth? I haven’t done that for over ten years. Once I passed seventy five, numerous pieces of my anatomy started drooping and hanging out. You don’t know how embarrassing it was. I’m wearing an orthopedic truss under this. I have to wear one all the time. And those things run into money.”

“O.K. That’s valid. I’ll just make a little notation here of that. It also says here that you have two dependents other than yourself. I assume one is Jane.”

“No. Jane died five years ago. Malaria.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Quite all right. At first, I took it pretty bad. But about three years ago, I met a wonderful woman. Esther Greenbaum. Believe it or not, she was on a African safari sponsored by a Lady Hadassah group. I really wasn’t looking to get involved. I just wanted to monkey around, but, before I knew it, I fell in love with her. And she fell in love with me.”

“It’s good to hear that something in your life is going well. I assume the other dependent is Boy.”

“Boy?!” Tarzan growls. “Don’t even mention his name to me! He doesn’t call. He doesn’t write. Not even a postcard. Fathers Day- I don’t hear nothin’ from him. He’s all grown up. Mr. Fancy Schmancy. He doesn’t need his father anymore. If it were up to him, he’d probably want me put away with all my other older friends.”

“A senior citizen center?”

“No, Lion Country Safari.”

“Boy,” sighs the worker.

“Do me a favor,” says Tarzan indignantly. “Don’t even mention his name.”

“Well, then, who is the second dependent?”

“Cheetah. That’s why I’m asking for the maximum food stamp allotment. I’ll need it for her bananas.”

“I’m surprised Cheetah’s still around.”

“Oh she’s great,” says Tarzan with a smile. “And she’s still the best friend I ever had. We don’t swing like we did in the old days, but we still have fun. We play gin rummy. On Sundays, we play a little golf. And she still looks great, too. Looks half her age.”

Towns to trade noon sirens

Gunnison) Ouray and Gunnison appear to have brokered an agreement that would transfer each town’s noon siren to the other locale. The move, which has the full support of County Commissars and city crews in both places, is not expected to affect daily commerce. In most cases it is expected to go unnoticed by the general population.

Proponents of the plan say it’s good for the sirens to be subjected to new environments and, even though the towns share the same elevation, the climate and landscape differences dictate specific audio adaptation so as to fully coordinate with the cosmic flow.

“In Ouray we have a warm box canyon which is short on sun,” said one siren technician who lives in Colona. “While in Gunnison we have a wide, sunny valley long on cold. To the average person geographic variances may appear minimal but to the trained eye these subtle distinctions can spell trouble.”

The exact date of the switch has not been determined but both sides say they would prefer to wait until after tourist season is completed. The project is not expected to close major highways although there may be detours enforced and some traffic congestion on the River Road, Refrigerator Canyon and on Cerro Summit. Motorists are urged to stay calm. – Small Mouth Bess 

Post Office Loitering Bill Goes to House

(Denver) A controversial recommendation that would limit the amount of time legally spent retrieving the daily mail has survived a preliminary hearing and will now go the House for consideration.

The proposed legislation which calls for time limits imposed in and around a federal facility has angered many residents in Colorado who say the bill is an infringement on their rights to peacefully assemble and socialize with friends and neighbors.

“They’ve already cut out what was warm camaraderie at the local pub,” said one frustrated box holder. “Hey, nobody wants drunks on the road but let’s be reasonable. We all need a little relaxation at the end of the day and the legal alcohol levels are ridiculous. It’s looking like some more of the same with regards to limiting our post office visits. I like to hang out in front of my box and chat. Sometimes I spend all afternoon but that’s my business.”

Many across the state are echoing like sentiments saying that potential legislation, like the present seatbelt and DUI laws are only another means of controlling the population.

“They have nothing to do with protecting anyone,” said a postal sitter from Olathe. “They’re just about money. The rulers of this country don’t like people talking either. They see it as inciting rebellion or some such nonsense when in actuality most people are only talking about the weather or the price of gasoline. Whether its over a beer or over a book of stamps they see these kinds of exchanges as a threat to their power base.”

Although the legal time allotted for mail pickup had not been established when the bill was introduced on the floor it is thought to be in the neighborhood of not less than fifteen minutes.

Despite extensive lobbying on the part of such organizations as AARP and the ACLU exemptions for retired persons or the nation’s unemployed have yet to be discussed. Neither have the needs of the handicapped been considered.

“That fifteen minutes should be enough to throw away junk mail, sift through bills, stand in line for stamps, read the wanted posters and fill out any other forms necessary for general correspondence,” said one postal official. “Any more time invested in this simple procedure is wasteful and unproductive.”

It was not clear how this proposed ruling might effect mail delivery as most Americans do not currently congregate around extension facilities, mail trucks or rural boxes. At present federal loitering laws take precedence over state and local ordinances undressing abnormal behavior patterns. – Small Mouth Bess