Absenteeism Up in Ranks of Self-Employed

(Ogden) Alarming statistics compiled here suggest that chronic absenteeism among persons who “work for themselves” could threaten the continued operation of the Internal Revenue Service. It appears, as collected data strongly indicates, that a point of diminished returns has reached its apex with regards to taxpayers willing to work for little to nothing.

Directly following the most recent IRS feeding frenzy 4.2 million self-employed people failed to show up to work at least once a week while another million played hooky 60 percent of the time…at a business that (on paper at least) they own!

“What we see emerging is a burgeoning motivational problem that threatens to embrace an insulated state of unresolved neurosis,” said an official release from the taxing service. “We are currently examining the statistics to determine why the owner of a company would “call in sick” so often to his own business.”

The release went on to say that behaviorisms common to the test group indicate that small business is getting no relief from the federal gov’ment and that high taxes in a lame economy could well be affecting the general work ethic.

“Why get up, get dressed and drive to my business when I’m not getting paid?” said the CEO of a chain of shoeshine stands out by the airport. “If the IRS continues to fleece us they could at least give us a ride to work, and maybe buy lunch once in a while.”

Absenteeism within the ranks of the IRS has been nil during the same time period. Most agents say they like their jobs and the tiny power base it affords them when dealing with evaders and malcontents.

“We will not sit idly by while a throng of elitist provincials ruins it for us,” explained one agent here. “We must maintain the status quo or the wheels will come off and we’ll have to look for work. I have my number two pencil right here and I am not above poking one of these tax criminals right in the eye with it.”

In response to these concerns the House and Senate promise to continue partisan bickering over such mainline subjects as legalization of hemp, the reading of the Constitution, gay marriage and how many illegal immigrants it takes to change a light bulb.

– Small Mouth Bess