Alaskans Relieved

(Juneau) Alaskans breathed a sigh of relief today when it became apparent that Russian nationalist, Vladimir Zhironovsky, would not attempt to seize the 49th state. Zhironovsky, a leading persona non grata in many capitals of Europe, had threatened to retake the land mass along with Finland and Poland.

“We had set up naval defenses in the Norton Sound with reserves stationed along the Kuskokwim Range,” said Jeff Brown, editor of The Juneau What, published here, in the capital. “People were really scared. It’s pretty dark up here this time of the year and we couldn’t tell if Red Army units had crossed the Bering Straight or if the whole thing was just a lot of political bulldozing.”

Brown told The Horseshoe that most of the firearms dealers had sold out of bullets by last week and that most of the state’s private airplanes remained in the air expecting an attack at any minute.

The almost 600,000 square mile Alaska, now known as the “Last Frontier”, was purchased from the Russian Tsar for a paltry $7,200,000 by the United States in 1867. Secretary William Seward negotiated the purchase as fellow citizens poked fun at the acquisition calling it “Seward’s Folly” and/or “Seward’s Icebox”. It was only through the discovery of gold in the region in the late 19th Century that America realized what it had stumbled upon.

When reminded that Vladimir Putin and not Vladimir Zhironovsky was in control of the Russian military Brown insisted that, nonetheless, his fellow citizens would remain on alert.

“Those Ruskies all look alike to me,” he gestured. “Besides that we get a little bored during January and the threat of total destruction really got us all jacked up. It provided a needed break from the monotony that winter can present.”

When contacted in Moscow Zhironovsky denied ever threatening his neighbor to the east saying that he only meant to placate the ultra right-wing by throwing them a scrap or two. According to a recent account in the German mouthpiece, Welt am Sonntag, Zhironovsky plans to visit Alaska in July to do some salmon fishing if he can obtain the proper credentials. – Mel Toole

FINBAR REMAINS IN BELLY OF WHALE

(Cork) Gaelic mariner and self-proclaimed discoverer of America, Finbar the Sailor, remains lodged in the belly of a large blue whale according to sources here. The infamous salt has been in that capacity since before Christmas.

Although communication has been all but nonexistent since that time, scientists studying the phenomenon feel that Finbar is still alive due to atypical, sporadic acts on the part of the marine mammal.

“We don’t think the whale meant to eat Finbar,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a British marine biologist assigned to the case. “It was just a case of being at the wrong place at the right time and looking a lot like lunch. The whale would probably have preferred fish and chips to that gasbag Mick,” the Englishman offered.

The Republic of Ireland has pledged to call in an assortment of experts including Jacques Cousteau, to aid in Finbar’s rescue. Already a convoy of French battleships is anchored of the coast in apprehension of Finbar’s release. They plan to dump gallons of green champagne overboard in the hopes that the host animal might consume the stuff and burp, thus expediting an uneventful release of the seaman.

Friends say that the Irish sailor will be disgorged whenever he, or the whale, gets around to it. Critics say his predicament is of his own doing. “He’s always been fascinated by the Biblical account of Jonah and the Whale and now he’s got a ring-side seat for all the action. It’s just one more of his cheap publicity stunts,” said Mona Kelp, of Save the Whales. “I, for one, say leave him in there!”           – Gloria de Quirk

POSTAL WORKERS ON SABBATICAL

(Washington) After a flurry of activity over the holidays some 40,000 postal workers will journey to Peru for a much needed rest. While relaxing in the South American country the workers will study the behavior of Peruvian postal workers, a group which never succumbs to stress. In many remote Peruvian mountain areas the mail is often weeks late and some packages never arrive at all, but no one seems to mind. In fact, most of the natives there deliver their own mail. “People in the United States are spoiled,” said one organizer of the trip. “We could learn a lot by observing postal practices in South America.”