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Ouray’s Smoky Joe Wood

Once the best pitcher on the planet    

     29,000 fans crammed Fenway Park on September 6, 1912 to witness the matchup between the Washington Senators’ Walter “Big Train” Johnson and Boston Red Sox’s Smoky Joe Wood. The two fireballers, who admired each other greatly. Johnson and Wood carried with them impressive credentials, each having set records, winning 16 straight games during that season.

     The newspapers loved it. Johnson had remarked, according to The Glory of Their Times by Lawrence Ritter: “Can I throw harder than Joe Wood? Listen, my friend, there’s no man alive that throws harder than Smoky Joe Wood.” Years later in a taped interview Wood said of Johnson: “He was always starting from behind with that ball club. Walter Johnson was the best pitcher that ever lived.”

     That was Boston’s year due in part to Wood’s 34 wins and a .383 batting average by the great Tris Speaker. They finished the campaign with 105 wins and 47 losses. By the time of the historic meeting the Red Sox had already run away with the pennant.

     Back to the game: Both hurlers dominated until, in the third, George McBride hit a lead-off double going to third on an infield out. Wood then walked two batters to load the bases but struck out the next two men to end the threat. In the sixth Speaker doubled down the third-base line and later scored on an error to give the Sox a 1-0 lead. The Senators put men on base in all three of the remaining innings but failed to score. By then Wood’s hummer was blinding. He gave up six hits and struck out nine in the victory. Boston went on to clinch on September 18.

     The World Series pitted the Sox against Christy Mathewson and the New York Giants. In the first outing Wood struck out Art Fletcher and Doc Crandall, with the winning run on base, to end the game. In game 4 Wood, facing Jeff Tesreau for the second time, beating him 3-1 while striking out eight. The game ended with a Giant’s victory at the Polo Grounds. The score stood 3 games to 2 favor of the Sox.

     On October 15 Joe faced more than the Giants. Due to weather and disruption on the part of Boston fans he finished his warm- ups only to wait 45 minutes before the start of the game. He got clobbered  11-4. The next day Mathewson started the seventh game for the Giants with Wood in the dugout. By the seventh it was tied. By the eighth Smoky Joe was once again on the mound. This time he held the Giants to a run while Boston scored the go ahead runs in the tenth to win the Series. That was his third World Series win that year.

     He finished the 1912 season a phenomenal 34-5 after posting 23 wins the season before. He started 1913 on the right track posting an 11-5 record. It was then that he suffered a series of injuries that would ultimately end his pitching career. He went on to a 9-3 record in 1914 and was 15-5 in 1915. Excellent stats for most but not for Wood. Due to arm and shoulder injuries he sat out 1916 saying “I never threw a day after that when I wasn’t in pain.”

     In 1918 he got a second wind. A standout in right field for the Cleveland Indians, he batted .298 through 1922. His career batting average was .283 and he was 116-57 with a lifetime ERA of 2.03 holding 51 Red Sox records. Only nine home runs were hit off him during his entire career.

     With accomplishments like these Wood would certainly be inducted into the Hall-of-Fame, but to this day he is not. Insiders point to the brevity of his career although Hall-of-Famer Dizzy Dean played one less season. Others say it’s because he was never fully cleared of charges related to an alleged run-fixing scandal during an gray era when betting was widespread. An oversight on the part of Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis left Joe’s name out of the mess when he exonerated Ty Cobb and Tris Speaker, who had been “implicated in the impropriety.”

     Wood went on to coach baseball at Yale and was named to the all-time Red Sox pitching staff along with Babe Ruth, Cy Young and Lefty Grove. He passed away in 1985 at age 95.

     The criteria for admission to Baseball’s Hall-of-Fame says: Candidates shall be chosen on the basis of playing ability, integrity, sportsmanship, character, their contribution to the team on which they played and to baseball in general. Wood scores high in all of these considerations and is deserving of honor at Cooperstown.

     Said Tris Speaker in 1958: “Joe, there is no question that you belong in the Hall-of-Fame. Unfortunately you hurt your arm at the height of your career. Your all around ability and the fact that you made yourself into a good big league outfielder should count.”

     Further information on the life of Smoky Joe Wood are available at the Ouray Historical Museum. Thanks to Joe’s son Bob Wood, and grandson Rob Wood for information on Ouray’s greatest athlete.

– Kevin Haley

Crested Butte Council Notes

The Crested Butte Town Council voted last night to end the controversial community sleeping bag program that has been less than effective this winter. Initially the plan was to provide sleeping bags for the needy at strategic locations within the town limits. For example, if someone got stranded on Whiterock rather than his/her destination on Sopris there would be a warm bag to sleep in for the night. Bags were placed at the post office, at Clark’s Market and at the Center For the Arts, plus at all bus stops.

It may have been a great humanitarian plan but it was abused by the homeless, hippies and yuppies working late. 

“It was getting so that the needy couldn’t even find an unoccupied bag, even if they started looking at sundown,” said one council person.

In other business the council voted unanimously against a ski area plan to offer Ski Miles to customers next season. Saying that the area should simply cut the promo hype, and drop lift tickets to $30 per day, the council refused to accept the ski mile program. Modeled after the airline incentive program, where consumers gain credit for expenditures air miles, the offer was meant to replace Free Naked Skiing.

In closing, the elected officials agreed to come to the aid of an overworked Loveland Post Office next Valentine’s Day by allowing its local post office to handle a bulk of the mail sent to Loveland. Although a nice gesture, council members reminded the public that the postmark would say Crested Butte rather than Loveland. 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

OF IMMEDIATE YULETIDE CONCERN

Santa Caught in Two Places at Once

(Ouray) Santa Claus was seen schmoozing at both the Alpine Bank and the Citizen’s State Bank Friday. That wouldn’t have been so bad if the actions had not occurred simultaneously and had not been observed by the a contingent of preschoolers.

According to unreliable fiscal sources here the benevolent elf was spotted hosting Christmas parties at the two banks at approximately 2 pm on the aforementioned date. Shocked parents agreed that if he were going to engage in such questionable behavior he should at least take it out of town.

The development adds fuel to the growing fire regarding the actual existence of Santa Claus. For years a large number of people claim he isn’t real at all but simply a fig leaf of someone’s well oiled imagination.

 

ELF SAFETY COURSE CANCELED

(Montrose) The annual Elf Safety Course for December has been canceled due to lack of interest on the part of elves. Most of the wee toy makers are far too busy to attend meetings (unlike local petty bureaucrats due to a particularly stringent schedule throughout the holidays.

Elves, for centuries a symbol of recklessness and rash behavior, have been instructed to attend at least one Saturday safety class, or be deported to Greenland. The interim government of the North Pole, with the backing of NATO and the United States, has decreed that all elves pass the course before licenses will be awarded. Elves that disregard this order may face firing squad or be sent to Mendoza, Argentina for reeducation.

 

Christmas without caviar?

(Teheran) Pollution and overfishing could wipe out the last of the legendary Russian Caviar 2000 according to sources here in Iran. This Persian nation, second only to Russia in world production of caviar, says its once plentiful sturgeon population has diminished greatly over the past two decades. Caviar is harvested from sturgeon mostly in the Caspian Sea which is now the scene of oil drilling and corporate prospecting.

Experts say that with continued abuse the sea will be dead in five years. It is hoped that wealthy gourmets, who cherish the salty fish eggs as both a delicacy and a status symbol, will step up and put pressure on the oil companies to clean up their act before we are all reduced to wolfing down goose liver pate with our champagne.

 

Santa Embraces Weight Loss Program

(Crested Butte) Thanks to several Third World diets, Santa expects to lose up to 80 pounds by this time next year. Top aides say their boss, also known as Kris Kringle, Father Christmas and Hey Fatso, had often noted that many people in Asia and Africa had little trouble keeping the weight off.

After compiling a journal on the subject over the last 100 years he concluded that these folks stay skinny not because of a diet low in saturated fat, but because they have little or nothing to eat.

“It was getting so I couldn’t tie my socks,” said the elf of his obesity. “Even the reindeer didn’t want to be seen with me, except after dark.”

In a recently published biography sharing the secrets of his long life, Santa points to low stress, cool weather and no smog as factors affecting the his astounding longevity.

 

Mistletoe Thriving Despite OSHA ban

(Gunnison) Months after OSHA banned mistletoe use due to safety concerns the black market is thriving. Sales here in this county alone are triple those of last season.

“It just goes to show that you can’t legislate morality,” said one man who asked for anonymity. “People who didn’t give the shrub a second thought before have now gone out of their way to get it.”

Authorities engaged in the enforcement of the Mistletoe Edicts fear that the situation will become more chronic with bans by the FCC and the USFDA. The AMA has threatened to follow suit as well since things are generally slow around the holidays anyway.

Several species of mistletoe, a parasite, grow in Eurasia and Eastern North America. The sprigs are often used as amorous Christmas decorations.

 

Remember:

Polar Bears love crunchy Santas –

They eat them sleigh and all!

SANTA TO TEACH SEX-ED

(Montrose) Santa Claus has been hired to teach sex education starting in January according to educators here. In compliance with guidelines set down by the World Is Flat Puritan Consortium the curriculum will be based on half-truths, superstition, misinformation and outright lies permeated by faith-based interests and aimed at keeping an intellectually challenged segment of the population in the dark about such hushed topics as birth control, social responsibility and progressive hygiene.

Santa was chosen both because his very existence is likewise based on a series of myths and because he is free most of the year.

“All those elves running around must mean something,” said one teacher, “even though our message here is abstinence. He’s got the credentials, but does he have the ability to whitewash the problem with fear and pseudo-morality in accordance with the accepted  yardsticks?”

Although there is no solid evidence that Santa was in any way involved with the procreation of the over 400 elves that live with him, he is seen as a father figure by many which may further qualify him for the teaching position. – Peter Salte

Rocking Around the Tree

Acupuncture gift baskets make a great Christmas present. Now taking orders. Sapinero Sewing Circle.

 

A reenactment of the French Revolution featuring the Reign of Terror Players will be presented at the Montrose Pavilion on December 28 and 29. The director is currently searching for Montrose County residents with royal blood to play the parts of the victims and loud peasants to act as extras. French nobility will be treated to a continental breakfast before the carts are loaded. Interested parties are asked to send proof of lineage to: Max Robespierre, c/o the above facility.

 

Now available: Cliff Notes for the 22,000-page General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT). Why pore over an ocean of data when you can have it all in a concise 24-page booklet. Nobody in Congress read the damn thing. Why should you? Send $3.99 to One Two Three World Publications, Washington, DC.

 

For sale: 4,350,000 acres between Cortez and Burlington, Colorado. Owner will finance or trade for successful liquor outlet. Contact local BLM office.

 

Bring up your children by remote control. Dial 9 and hold it.

 

NEEDED: Man with chain saw to break up fights at closing time over the holidays. Grady’s Gravy Heaven, Wimpton Mall.

 

National vacuum cleaner concern seeks dirt bag to demonstrate personal utilities associated with our fine product. Can you cut the mustard, or at least wipe it off your ski parka? Good pay plus commission. Volunteer Vacuums, Pueblo and Trinidad.

 

Crummy Christmas presents got you down? We will buy jewelry, ties, perfume, scarves, chocolates, lingerie, socks, almost any gift. Yuletide Salvage, Miller Mesa. Offer good through Valentine’s Day.

 

Will butcher fowl for the fun of it. Will pay you the going rate to butcher turkeys through the end of the month for pure revenge. That dirty rat turkey killed my brother. Darian Mariposa, Mañana Grange.

 

Positions available: standing, sitting, kneeling and full recline. Send resume to Desk Jockeys International. We are your shadow fer’al government in action!

 

1000 gourmet sauces made exclusively of ketchup and ditchwater. Syd Fahrdt, Delta House.

 

Erma: I’ll be wearing a white sport coat and a pink carnation, or was that a pink sport coat and a white fixation? Anyway, (as the Big Bopper used to say) you know what I like, heh? Are you an adult? Am I? Let’s groove together until spring. I’ve even waxed my mustache and cleaned the bathroom. Slim, Post Office, CO.

 

In honor of and with respect to all fur bearing animals who are trying to get some rest this winter, we ask that all humans keep their voices down through April. In short: If you have nothing appropriate to add to the conversation just sit quietly. An attendant will be with you momentarily.

 

MAKE BIG MONEY over the holidays stuffing olives, artichokes, peppers, turkeys, envelopes. Pimento Recyclers, on the sunny side of the street.

 

Wash dishes in Nairobi! Scrub pots in Kathmandu! Screen silverware in Arkadelphia! Send complete resume and $10 filing fee to International Pearl Diver Placement and Exchange. Box 33, No Name, CO 81603.

 

ATTENTION TRAVELERS! The Cane Law is now in effect on Monarch, Coal Bank, Red Mountain and Wolf Creek Passes. Anyone over 95 years of age should avoid operating a motor vehicle on these passes until June or July – San Juan Search and Rescue.

 

Strong-willed SWM seeks submissive SWF for Ping-pong interludes in my heated garage. I am interested in quiet walks, ice fishing and leaf collecting but I’m afraid to go outside. I’ve been told I’m good. Warren of Wexley, Whispering Pines, Ouray.

 

Will buy one-cent stamps for a dime on the dollar. Let’s play post office! Elmer Glioux, Jack’s Cabin, Utah.

 

Will the person who stole my Lou Reed raincoat from the Tiny Tot Daycare Center please return it at once? If I catch you wearing it, I’ll cut you real bad – Flower.

 

Locked out of your car? We have furnished apartments for rent by the day or week. Towels and sheets slightly extra. Maybelle’s Sleeping Rooms, Indian Massacre Highway across from the Silver Spoon Rendering Plant. Maybelle’s is in no way associated with Ed’s Beds of Denver, Colorado.

 

Will stud tires, fix pets, administer hormone shots, arrange social encounters, ferment perfume, weld relationships, break horses, harass fur wearers, lie to creditors. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.

 

“Mother Was a Teenage Rastafarian” will be showing at the Uranium Drive-In until the world ends or further notice. Thank you.

 

I, Saint Nicholas, am no longer responsible for debts, private or public, incurred by Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle or The Jolly Old Elf as of December 31, 2012  – Saint Nicholas, Nicosia, Cyprus.

 

Erotic laser gum massage by Sue. Weekdays by appointment. Box 3998, Horseshoe.

 

Older rancher seeks young woman to cook for 27 helpless sons, ranging from 16 to 44. Chores include feeding cows, shearing sheep, egg gathering, llama baiting, frog calling, fly swatting and horse catching. Could work into a lasting marriage with one or more of us. Private house trailer through the winter, then we’ll just see what happens. Happy McDuff, Cimarron South.

 

HUBCAPS FOR ANY OCCASION. Call Hubcap Johnny 1-800-999-3546. After hours call Johnny at home.

 

Got popcorn balls for Christmas? Call St. Roscoe’s Hospital if you have insurance.

 

Dukakis-Benson political trivia. T-shirts, bumper stickers, campaign buttons, ball caps and cheap jewelry. Still have some Walter Mondale Christmas hairspray and several Spiro Agnew holiday false teeth sets for next to nothing. Bo the Balloonist.

 

Kittens for Christmas. $350 firm. We don’t have to tell you that the price will go up after December. Also parting out old, wet newspaper sports pages and used vacuum cleaner bags. No checks. No sales before noon. No tobacco chewers. 22774499225577 Road, Olathe.

 

COME SEE a replica of the downtown Montrose business district this Christmas. Located two miles north of our South Townsend location. Wal-Mart Saving You Money!

 

Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will head south for the winter on December 31. Now’s the time to stock up. Ed will be in Ouray on December 19 and Crested Butte on December 26. Montrose and Gunnison in between. Happy Holidays!

 

WILL PREPARE POTATOES for you and your family over the holidays. Fried, poached, escalloped, baked, boiled, mashed, steamed, stewed, broiled, scrambled, twice-cooked, au gratin, and rehabilitated. The Eyes Have It, Spud Hill.

 

Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Maureen in Seattle.

 

Have you finally chosen the perfect group to hate? Have you zoned in and isolated one social class or ethnic mixture that can be blamed for all of society’s problems? You’re on the right track! We specialize in helping people just like you. Just send us your thoughts and we’ll send back a well versed thesis that backs up your bigotry with all kinds of facts, numbers, graphs and projections. Win those heated arguments at the dump or in the laundromat. How do you think the politicians do it time and time again? Be prepared! Send ideas to Opinion Bozos, Blind Box 007, Horseshoe.

 

 

 

 

Ancient Druids Revered Mistletoe Berries

(Ireland) If you’ve ever wandered the wood- lands of Ireland you couldn’t help but trip over the mistletoe. It grows everywhere. Surprisingly when all the other green is in hibernation the mistletoe plant continues to produce berries all winter long.

The Druid physician-priests held the berries dear for their medicinal benefits and very likely in prevention of conception. The berries contain high concentrations of progesterone (rhymes with testosterone) which stimulates the libido. We will paraphrase what may have happened next as theorized by Dr. John Lee, author of Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Remarkable Hormone. 

Here’s the scenario: For many centuries the Druids sponsored a winter solstice festival that, according to our calendar fell on December 22 or 23. The event, which lasted one week was meant to keep the sun from disappearing completely from the sky. (The pagans were uptight about things too – especially the sun god taking a powder). The celebration was held so that Spring would someday return and the world would not die. Katy, bar the door! Debts were paid, gifts exchanged and feasts presented. In addition a sacred concoction of hot mead laced with mistletoe berries was plentiful. What? No Guinness?

Once the party got started the influence of the warm alcohol and the progesterone helped everyone get quite relaxed, and get to know each other better.

Modern medicine recognizes the fact that menstrual shedding is the result of an abrupt fall of progesterone, which no doubt occurred after the week of Celtic carousing had ended. Therefore, any conception that took place during the week of unrestricted sex would be lost in the induced flow. Besides allowing participants access to primitive sexual license, the solstice party reinforced the perception that festive sex without subsequent responsibility was merely another gift from the gods. Simple enough.

With the start of the new year everything returned to normal. And you thought you’d been to some parties…Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Solstice. Mistletoe berries and mead…