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Crested Butte Council Notes
The Crested Butte Town Council voted last night to end the controversial community sleeping bag program that has been less than effective this winter. Initially the plan was to provide sleeping bags for the needy at strategic locations within the town limits. For example, if someone got stranded on Whiterock rather than his/her destination on Sopris there would be a warm bag to sleep in for the night. Bags were placed at the post office, at Clark’s Market and at the Center For the Arts, plus at all bus stops.
It may have been a great humanitarian plan but it was abused by the homeless, hippies and yuppies working late.
“It was getting so that the needy couldn’t even find an unoccupied bag, even if they started looking at sundown,” said one council person.
In other business the council voted unanimously against a ski area plan to offer Ski Miles to customers next season. Saying that the area should simply cut the promo hype, and drop lift tickets to $30 per day, the council refused to accept the ski mile program. Modeled after the airline incentive program, where consumers gain credit for expenditures air miles, the offer was meant to replace Free Naked Skiing.
In closing, the elected officials agreed to come to the aid of an overworked Loveland Post Office next Valentine’s Day by allowing its local post office to handle a bulk of the mail sent to Loveland. Although a nice gesture, council members reminded the public that the postmark would say Crested Butte rather than Loveland.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
OF IMMEDIATE YULETIDE CONCERN
Santa Caught in Two Places at Once
(Ouray) Santa Claus was seen schmoozing at both the Alpine Bank and the Citizen’s State Bank Friday. That wouldn’t have been so bad if the actions had not occurred simultaneously and had not been observed by the a contingent of preschoolers.
According to unreliable fiscal sources here the benevolent elf was spotted hosting Christmas parties at the two banks at approximately 2 pm on the aforementioned date. Shocked parents agreed that if he were going to engage in such questionable behavior he should at least take it out of town.
The development adds fuel to the growing fire regarding the actual existence of Santa Claus. For years a large number of people claim he isn’t real at all but simply a fig leaf of someone’s well oiled imagination.
ELF SAFETY COURSE CANCELED
(Montrose) The annual Elf Safety Course for December has been canceled due to lack of interest on the part of elves. Most of the wee toy makers are far too busy to attend meetings (unlike local petty bureaucrats due to a particularly stringent schedule throughout the holidays.
Elves, for centuries a symbol of recklessness and rash behavior, have been instructed to attend at least one Saturday safety class, or be deported to Greenland. The interim government of the North Pole, with the backing of NATO and the United States, has decreed that all elves pass the course before licenses will be awarded. Elves that disregard this order may face firing squad or be sent to Mendoza, Argentina for reeducation.
Christmas without caviar?
(Teheran) Pollution and overfishing could wipe out the last of the legendary Russian Caviar 2000 according to sources here in Iran. This Persian nation, second only to Russia in world production of caviar, says its once plentiful sturgeon population has diminished greatly over the past two decades. Caviar is harvested from sturgeon mostly in the Caspian Sea which is now the scene of oil drilling and corporate prospecting.
Experts say that with continued abuse the sea will be dead in five years. It is hoped that wealthy gourmets, who cherish the salty fish eggs as both a delicacy and a status symbol, will step up and put pressure on the oil companies to clean up their act before we are all reduced to wolfing down goose liver pate with our champagne.
Santa Embraces Weight Loss Program
(Crested Butte) Thanks to several Third World diets, Santa expects to lose up to 80 pounds by this time next year. Top aides say their boss, also known as Kris Kringle, Father Christmas and Hey Fatso, had often noted that many people in Asia and Africa had little trouble keeping the weight off.
After compiling a journal on the subject over the last 100 years he concluded that these folks stay skinny not because of a diet low in saturated fat, but because they have little or nothing to eat.
“It was getting so I couldn’t tie my socks,” said the elf of his obesity. “Even the reindeer didn’t want to be seen with me, except after dark.”
In a recently published biography sharing the secrets of his long life, Santa points to low stress, cool weather and no smog as factors affecting the his astounding longevity.
Mistletoe Thriving Despite OSHA ban
(Gunnison) Months after OSHA banned mistletoe use due to safety concerns the black market is thriving. Sales here in this county alone are triple those of last season.
“It just goes to show that you can’t legislate morality,” said one man who asked for anonymity. “People who didn’t give the shrub a second thought before have now gone out of their way to get it.”
Authorities engaged in the enforcement of the Mistletoe Edicts fear that the situation will become more chronic with bans by the FCC and the USFDA. The AMA has threatened to follow suit as well since things are generally slow around the holidays anyway.
Several species of mistletoe, a parasite, grow in Eurasia and Eastern North America. The sprigs are often used as amorous Christmas decorations.
Remember:
Polar Bears love crunchy Santas –
They eat them sleigh and all!
SANTA TO TEACH SEX-ED
(Montrose) Santa Claus has been hired to teach sex education starting in January according to educators here. In compliance with guidelines set down by the World Is Flat Puritan Consortium the curriculum will be based on half-truths, superstition, misinformation and outright lies permeated by faith-based interests and aimed at keeping an intellectually challenged segment of the population in the dark about such hushed topics as birth control, social responsibility and progressive hygiene.
Santa was chosen both because his very existence is likewise based on a series of myths and because he is free most of the year.
“All those elves running around must mean something,” said one teacher, “even though our message here is abstinence. He’s got the credentials, but does he have the ability to whitewash the problem with fear and pseudo-morality in accordance with the accepted yardsticks?”
Although there is no solid evidence that Santa was in any way involved with the procreation of the over 400 elves that live with him, he is seen as a father figure by many which may further qualify him for the teaching position. – Peter Salte
Rocking Around the Tree
Acupuncture gift baskets make a great Christmas present. Now taking orders. Sapinero Sewing Circle.
A reenactment of the French Revolution featuring the Reign of Terror Players will be presented at the Montrose Pavilion on December 28 and 29. The director is currently searching for Montrose County residents with royal blood to play the parts of the victims and loud peasants to act as extras. French nobility will be treated to a continental breakfast before the carts are loaded. Interested parties are asked to send proof of lineage to: Max Robespierre, c/o the above facility.
Now available: Cliff Notes for the 22,000-page General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT). Why pore over an ocean of data when you can have it all in a concise 24-page booklet. Nobody in Congress read the damn thing. Why should you? Send $3.99 to One Two Three World Publications, Washington, DC.
For sale: 4,350,000 acres between Cortez and Burlington, Colorado. Owner will finance or trade for successful liquor outlet. Contact local BLM office.
Bring up your children by remote control. Dial 9 and hold it.
NEEDED: Man with chain saw to break up fights at closing time over the holidays. Grady’s Gravy Heaven, Wimpton Mall.
National vacuum cleaner concern seeks dirt bag to demonstrate personal utilities associated with our fine product. Can you cut the mustard, or at least wipe it off your ski parka? Good pay plus commission. Volunteer Vacuums, Pueblo and Trinidad.
Crummy Christmas presents got you down? We will buy jewelry, ties, perfume, scarves, chocolates, lingerie, socks, almost any gift. Yuletide Salvage, Miller Mesa. Offer good through Valentine’s Day.
Will butcher fowl for the fun of it. Will pay you the going rate to butcher turkeys through the end of the month for pure revenge. That dirty rat turkey killed my brother. Darian Mariposa, Mañana Grange.
Positions available: standing, sitting, kneeling and full recline. Send resume to Desk Jockeys International. We are your shadow fer’al government in action!
1000 gourmet sauces made exclusively of ketchup and ditchwater. Syd Fahrdt, Delta House.
Erma: I’ll be wearing a white sport coat and a pink carnation, or was that a pink sport coat and a white fixation? Anyway, (as the Big Bopper used to say) you know what I like, heh? Are you an adult? Am I? Let’s groove together until spring. I’ve even waxed my mustache and cleaned the bathroom. Slim, Post Office, CO.
In honor of and with respect to all fur bearing animals who are trying to get some rest this winter, we ask that all humans keep their voices down through April. In short: If you have nothing appropriate to add to the conversation just sit quietly. An attendant will be with you momentarily.
MAKE BIG MONEY over the holidays stuffing olives, artichokes, peppers, turkeys, envelopes. Pimento Recyclers, on the sunny side of the street.
Wash dishes in Nairobi! Scrub pots in Kathmandu! Screen silverware in Arkadelphia! Send complete resume and $10 filing fee to International Pearl Diver Placement and Exchange. Box 33, No Name, CO 81603.
ATTENTION TRAVELERS! The Cane Law is now in effect on Monarch, Coal Bank, Red Mountain and Wolf Creek Passes. Anyone over 95 years of age should avoid operating a motor vehicle on these passes until June or July – San Juan Search and Rescue.
Strong-willed SWM seeks submissive SWF for Ping-pong interludes in my heated garage. I am interested in quiet walks, ice fishing and leaf collecting but I’m afraid to go outside. I’ve been told I’m good. Warren of Wexley, Whispering Pines, Ouray.
Will buy one-cent stamps for a dime on the dollar. Let’s play post office! Elmer Glioux, Jack’s Cabin, Utah.
Will the person who stole my Lou Reed raincoat from the Tiny Tot Daycare Center please return it at once? If I catch you wearing it, I’ll cut you real bad – Flower.
Locked out of your car? We have furnished apartments for rent by the day or week. Towels and sheets slightly extra. Maybelle’s Sleeping Rooms, Indian Massacre Highway across from the Silver Spoon Rendering Plant. Maybelle’s is in no way associated with Ed’s Beds of Denver, Colorado.
Will stud tires, fix pets, administer hormone shots, arrange social encounters, ferment perfume, weld relationships, break horses, harass fur wearers, lie to creditors. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.
“Mother Was a Teenage Rastafarian” will be showing at the Uranium Drive-In until the world ends or further notice. Thank you.
I, Saint Nicholas, am no longer responsible for debts, private or public, incurred by Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle or The Jolly Old Elf as of December 31, 2012 – Saint Nicholas, Nicosia, Cyprus.
Erotic laser gum massage by Sue. Weekdays by appointment. Box 3998, Horseshoe.
Older rancher seeks young woman to cook for 27 helpless sons, ranging from 16 to 44. Chores include feeding cows, shearing sheep, egg gathering, llama baiting, frog calling, fly swatting and horse catching. Could work into a lasting marriage with one or more of us. Private house trailer through the winter, then we’ll just see what happens. Happy McDuff, Cimarron South.
HUBCAPS FOR ANY OCCASION. Call Hubcap Johnny 1-800-999-3546. After hours call Johnny at home.
Got popcorn balls for Christmas? Call St. Roscoe’s Hospital if you have insurance.
Dukakis-Benson political trivia. T-shirts, bumper stickers, campaign buttons, ball caps and cheap jewelry. Still have some Walter Mondale Christmas hairspray and several Spiro Agnew holiday false teeth sets for next to nothing. Bo the Balloonist.
Kittens for Christmas. $350 firm. We don’t have to tell you that the price will go up after December. Also parting out old, wet newspaper sports pages and used vacuum cleaner bags. No checks. No sales before noon. No tobacco chewers. 22774499225577 Road, Olathe.
COME SEE a replica of the downtown Montrose business district this Christmas. Located two miles north of our South Townsend location. Wal-Mart Saving You Money!
Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will head south for the winter on December 31. Now’s the time to stock up. Ed will be in Ouray on December 19 and Crested Butte on December 26. Montrose and Gunnison in between. Happy Holidays!
WILL PREPARE POTATOES for you and your family over the holidays. Fried, poached, escalloped, baked, boiled, mashed, steamed, stewed, broiled, scrambled, twice-cooked, au gratin, and rehabilitated. The Eyes Have It, Spud Hill.
Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Maureen in Seattle.
Have you finally chosen the perfect group to hate? Have you zoned in and isolated one social class or ethnic mixture that can be blamed for all of society’s problems? You’re on the right track! We specialize in helping people just like you. Just send us your thoughts and we’ll send back a well versed thesis that backs up your bigotry with all kinds of facts, numbers, graphs and projections. Win those heated arguments at the dump or in the laundromat. How do you think the politicians do it time and time again? Be prepared! Send ideas to Opinion Bozos, Blind Box 007, Horseshoe.
Ancient Druids Revered Mistletoe Berries
(Ireland) If you’ve ever wandered the wood- lands of Ireland you couldn’t help but trip over the mistletoe. It grows everywhere. Surprisingly when all the other green is in hibernation the mistletoe plant continues to produce berries all winter long.
The Druid physician-priests held the berries dear for their medicinal benefits and very likely in prevention of conception. The berries contain high concentrations of progesterone (rhymes with testosterone) which stimulates the libido. We will paraphrase what may have happened next as theorized by Dr. John Lee, author of Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Remarkable Hormone.
Here’s the scenario: For many centuries the Druids sponsored a winter solstice festival that, according to our calendar fell on December 22 or 23. The event, which lasted one week was meant to keep the sun from disappearing completely from the sky. (The pagans were uptight about things too – especially the sun god taking a powder). The celebration was held so that Spring would someday return and the world would not die. Katy, bar the door! Debts were paid, gifts exchanged and feasts presented. In addition a sacred concoction of hot mead laced with mistletoe berries was plentiful. What? No Guinness?
Once the party got started the influence of the warm alcohol and the progesterone helped everyone get quite relaxed, and get to know each other better.
Modern medicine recognizes the fact that menstrual shedding is the result of an abrupt fall of progesterone, which no doubt occurred after the week of Celtic carousing had ended. Therefore, any conception that took place during the week of unrestricted sex would be lost in the induced flow. Besides allowing participants access to primitive sexual license, the solstice party reinforced the perception that festive sex without subsequent responsibility was merely another gift from the gods. Simple enough.
With the start of the new year everything returned to normal. And you thought you’d been to some parties…Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Solstice. Mistletoe berries and mead…
Yule Jewel Astrograph
(General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very cosmic existence. Sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by his frank evaluations.)
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Growth may arrive in strange little packages with odd wrappings and a painful bow on the top. A choice is obvious although primary options may lead one to believe he is at the mercy of his own stupidity. Look before you leap but never through rose colored glasses. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are summer concoctions and should not be regularly consumed in colder weather.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Peace on earth is not an advertising slogan. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club instead in order to better reach those empty spaces between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look extremely encouraging for most Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative and zoo breath will cause yet another social explosion. Don’t take any crap off your boss. According to the latest Winter Olympic/unemployment statistics there are plenty of jobs in Utah. Tonight: Cows in the barn.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. Thus far you have managed to waltz through life without ever considering the importance of where you came from and where you’re going. Good job. If you can keep cruising at this pace you should achieve true enlightenment by next Thursday night. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your intellect. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Comparison shopping may convince you to shun the roll of consumer altogether. Call someone in Cleveland Heights tonight.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Just because salmon insist on running upstream doesn’t mean you have to follow. Go with the flow but only on your own terms. Playing the waiting game is much safer in the middle of the river. Avoid predictable feeding habits. It’s time to put on that extra layer of fat for the winter before the bait goes south. Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. When dealing with family members keep in mind that they operate on similar misconceptions. It’s genetic. Get off your high horse. He will only throw you when you least expect it. Tonight: Skip the chips.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper lip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but first you must make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. There’s nobody out jogging at two in the morning. Don’t wish too hard for something or you might pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is alright if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Damn the torpedoes especially the one headed for your fleshy starboard side.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You will perform best today by staying out of the mainstream. Buying people off could be better than putting them on for size. An old lover will hit you with his or her cane or rocking chair in the wee hours. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of cold oatmeal. You will not be run over by a large delivery vehicle this month. If you intend to speak from the heart today make sure to bring along a choreographer. Confusion reigns and that’s lucky for you since it is one of the only things you are good at. Tonight: Educational strolls.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
In the year ahead you may find yourself deeply involved in the chronic pettiness the defines your performance. Better you than someone else dealing with it. File all problems under “Z” and then forget them. They are not your friends. Dreams of travel should not be chronicled by sleeping in your car. You may not work well under pressure this month. Try letting the air out of your ego. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Tonight: Tennis balls are no better than popcorn balls.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Your intrinsic hunter/gatherer instincts are in full swing this week. Don’t attempt to fight it. Hunt and gather till you puke. Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when the noisy trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken may net unexpected results in the early morning. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are better. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of rap music.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for a cup of coffee on the 30th. Don’t do it or you could get burned. Considering your inept manner of handling daily rituals it is surprising that you are still standing erect. Today is a perfect time to fill your dance card for the winter as the band plays on. Traveling to the beat of a different drummer may require a foghorn. Decisions can best be made by the flip of a coin. Tonight: A fish has his eye on you.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. Turn up the bass. Let us know what happens. You’re going to heaven all right but get to the airport early to go through security. We care. Tonight: Panhandle at the mall. Did we mention that we care?
LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
Grumpy neighbors will invite you to dinner. What could they possibly be having? Time sharing your emotions will prove to be a very poor investment. Turn up your internal thermostat or a close associate will be forced to start a fire under you. How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Wait for blocking before attempting a runback from deep in your end zone. Sometimes it’s better to settle for the sure thing and begin your operations from the 20 yard line. Although the element of surprise is valuable, throwing into the end-zone too early could leave you with terrible field position later in life. Tonight: Punt on third down.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Attempts to expand your knowledge are almost certain to be successful considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is still moving in reverse and headed for that Ford pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life, you’d better get some quick. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus will enter your sign for a three-week stay – Better stock up on toilet paper. If you spend all your money on trivial things you won’t have to worry about that stack of bills screaming for attention. Turn down the volume and enjoy what you certainly cannot understand. Tonight: Totally.