(Ft. Worth) At least half of the 2019 butter crop has been ruined after flooding and high winds associated with Hurricane Marge. Already this morning thousands are without animal fat spread, forced to employ oleo after pancakes stuck to the pan as far away as Texarkana.

Surges of drowned butter blossoms hang in the air. Tubs of the stuff float on makeshift rafts waiting in vain for recovery. Cows cry. Link sausages find themselves bedded down in shelters without sufficient reading lamps.

The President of the United States has declared the area from Clovis to Tyler a national cholesterol area and has promised over $200 in aid.

Marge, short for Margarine, a deceased Afro-French despot, is blamed for a dangerously stunted biscuits and gravy yield as far south as Galveston while the valuable grits crop is bound for the ports of Marseille and Hamburg . Texas alone sends 35,000 tons of grits to the former Soviet Union annually to be made into gut-wrenching, medicinal rubbing/swilling vodka.

Meanwhile butter farmers, up to their waists in saturated fats, have petitioned the government of Mexico for starter seed that must be in the ground prior to Pearl Harbor Day. After that the seed will not sprout and the fields will produce nothing but oil wells. Apparently the farmers feel the Mexicans have been hoarding the expensive starter seed since the early days of the Zapatista Movement in Chiapas.

“How else could their leaders be so consistently slippery,” asked one farmer, “and why else would the U.S. continue to turn its attention away from the heartless atrocities committed just south of the border down Mexico way? Now, we went and ruined the story by getting political when all the American TV viewing public really wants is to know what side of their bread is buttered.”

– Small Mouth Bess

Filed Under: Hard News


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