Broncos Troll Wal-Marts For Offensive Line Help

A legion of Denver Bronco scouts have begun patrolling local Wal-Marts in the hope of landing some help on their offensive line. The NFL franchise, that experienced gaping holes, horrible run stats and inability to protect the quarterback last year plans to shore up these blatant inefficiencies and run the ball in 2017.

Although many of their discoveries have proved fruitless up until now, the team expects to find help in the aisles of the nation’s largest retailer. Acknowledging that many of the new recruits may be too slow to play football one coach says he will stay the course.

“Some of them are real big,” he explained, “flabby, obese and not terribly athletic. Many have never participated in team sports or daily exercise which has contributed to their sad physical state. Our job is to toughen them up. Two a day practices in the summer heat will do wonders.”

The source then continued insisting that the concept of tethering a lineman had not been discussed. He then employed simple physics to his projected formula for success.

“A body in motion stays in motion while a body at rest stays at rest,” he smiled. “Many of our best prospects won’t be easy to move on the line. They will simply stay in one spot and take up room. Often that’s enough.”

Other teams have responded to the move and have begun examining sources of talent in their own regions.

“These consumers are so used to buying worthless junk that they cannot differentiate between credit and cash,” said an unidentified scout in Baltimore. “We hope this reality will translate into lucrative contracts on our end. After we pay off their credit cards and get them on the field we will know how to proceed.”

– Fred Zeppelin