Better Daze Astrograph

Welcome to another stroll through the cosmic greenbelt. Be assured that the validity of the following is on par with the reality of other sacred institutions and beliefs that brush against you like a yellow-eyed feline on the creaky back porch of the universe. Keep in mind that, in an attempt to maintain the dim-witted flow, our forecasters use only pre-World War I field glasses, great wings of wax, solar-powered probing devices and the power of two thousand crumbling ancient Roman aqueducts to formulate our appraisals. Do not iron or bleach unless you want to. Skipping signs, cutting in line or impersonating signs other than your own will be dealt with harshly.

LEO
(July 23 – August 22)

Memorize trash truck schedules. Watch out for meaty thumbs on the butcher’s scales. Downshift. Downshift now! First, build the floor then the walls, then the roof. Reversing this procedure will insure failure no matter what the blueprint says. Having more money than brains is not always a detriment to success. Drugstore cowboys never change horses in the middle of the scene. Keep those feet firmly in the stirrups and the bit implanted in your front teeth. Riding sidesaddle could cause liver or kidney damage. The cavalry is no place for crybabies! Relax: You only pulled a micro muscle in your libido. Nothing broken…nothing maimed. Tonight: It’s high time to press charges.

VIRGO
(August 23 – September 23)

Look at the big picture even though you are not in it. Halting physical effort could lead to unusual level of progress by mid-day. Point that honker toward a meaningful goal and follow it home. Reckless speculation may appear safer from the high side of the river. When dining with animals a raincoat may be preferable to a tuxedo. Practice timid impulsivity. Spend time with your wardrobe, especially the costumes. They are your link to a fantasy world where you can be a star. Remember: You cannot achieve three-piece status in twice-baked overalls. Avoid symbiotic relationships with live ammunition. Tonight: A midnight cruise to Wichita Falls.

LIBRA
(September 24 – October 23)

Lucky breaks come and go. Your lucky brake is located between the gas pedal and the clutch. Take the day off: Even marginalized, bloodthirsty pirates need time to center themselves. Be flexible while in your grocery produce aisle. This year’s summer squash has been known to be confrontational and you may not make it to the dairy case without a beating. Despite hours at the salon, you may feel naked in social armor. Termination of bad hair days could require a more radical trim between the head and shoulders. Look for others who are loose with money and/or affection. Tonight: Dessert goes a long way toward sweet explanation of soupy indiscretions earlier in the evening.

SCORPIO
(October 24 – November 22)

Avoid bankers with scalpels and physicians with ledger books. Too many diplomats ruin the soup. According to the planets, you will gain fame and fortune this month, but what do they know? They are merely wads of rock out in space where nobody else wants to live. Rely, rather, on long exposures to television to determine your path. Don’t swallow anything larger than your pride. Your job is simply a passing fancy…the crew on the trash truck already knows that. Sorry, but a bar stool is a poor excuse for a driver’s seat. Your games are recommended for ages 3 to 5. Tonight: Control those hormones until dinner dishes are finished.

SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 – December 21)

Personal budget cuts may require hallucinating in black and white. You are but a shadow of your former self. Transparencies may offer surprise access to areas undercover until now. Stay clear of angry water buffalo, runaway trains and planets seeking immediate gratification through celestial realignment. Oh yeah. The bar is a better place to borrow money than the bank since banks insist on signatures. It is better to have a few friends than many enemies. Practiced tact will be perceived as such. Keep your head down and your ears open. Tonight: Darkness. It’s nothing you can’t handle.

CAPRICORN
(December 22 – January 20)

Waste your own time. Do not let others do it for you. Stockpile plowshares. They can always be turned back into swords at the appropriate time. Finalize national security matters by the light of a new moon. Loose hips sink ships! The walls have ears. Friends within the Taliban may become testy over a pork roast. Serve Spam instead. What good is a gated community if you can’t afford a gate? Don’t let others run you down especially if they are driving large cement trucks. According to our records, you have less than one hour left on your 24-hour deoderant protection. Tonight: More paperwork down at the police precinct.

AQUARIUS
(January 21 – February 19)

Just because you re flat doesn’t mean the world is geometric. If the world is indeed round, then prove it! Time-sharing your body may not produce desired returns. Peaceful co-habitation means sharing the bidet. Is that mega diet coke attached to your arm? Similar events at home are often cheaper than on the road, depending on which road. Run from responsibility but only walk away from respectability. Keep moving in eternal circles and you could go on forever with the deep, lingering self-denial crap. Love enters your third house with the kibble harvest. If you cannot make a fresh start at least make me up an icy glass of fresh juniper juice. Tonight: How much fresh juniper juice is enough?

PISCES
(February 20 – March 20)

It is far easier to bore others with your juvenile philosophies if you speak up, even shout, when lauding the inherent variables common to your amusing thought patterns. Be careful not to bite your tongue when exited. Well-grounded is OK for an accepting, lethargic chuck roast but not for a poorly endowed nouveau helicopter pilot attempting to assault the sun. Crayons melt in a beveled bay window but not as fast as ice cream on a leather car seat. Keep plans vague and fog lights on dim until further notice. Tonight: Imagine breakfast in bed tomorrow.

ARIES
(March 21 – April 19)

Indiscriminate drinking is better in the dawn light when the police have all gone home. Try a little common sense with your flapjacks, Jack. Schedule cosmetic surgery before they close the beaches. Persistence will yield the answers to your most pressing questions…Look there’s an open bar all right! Show respect for kennel mates by keeping the barking down to a roar. Do whatever necessary to neutralize morning breath. Quit that annoying day job—The dumpsters are full of food. Fishy clown outfits are rarely accepted as collateral at the prawn shop. Romance is on tap right next to the cheap beer. Tonight: Go to town groomed to the max!

TAURUS
(April 20 – May 19)

Pay attention even if it hurts. A chore that looks like a chore, begins to smell like a chore and starts yelling in your face like a chore is definitely a chore not to ignore no more. Do Bolsheviks ever paint the town red? Discount yourself through the 18th. The only thing constant is stupidity. Be happy there are others holding down the IQ curve. Family members will overcome the need to graze at distinct social functions. On all matters metaphysical…Get a second opinion. A pet is bored and may seek other dwellings. The refrigerator is making those grumbling sounds again. Tonight: Extra shots for the cook.

GEMINI
(May 20 – June 20)

Together you can make it happen. Pity the poor people with only one personality and a second job in the weekends. Earplugs often outdistance analysis. A vulnerable position on the field is better than false security riding the pine. Invest in tobacco futures, the bailout is coming. Your flight to an exotic place may be cancelled but there is a meatloaf special in the airport cafeteria until 2 pm. Today could be a good time to insulate the aviary. Avoid rendezvous with bald-headed sailors and party girls with primate facial hair. Tonight: Grilled cheese again?

CANCER
(June 21 – July 22)

Sweet talk and warm embraces will not guarantee a hot breakfast. Snorkeling gear is always a carry-on item. Widen your horizons while you tip the scale. If you are a true transient then there’s nothing that you should be doing at home. Adopt more dogs. Willie Nelson is playing in your living room but you forgot to get a ticket. Look through the windows. Avoid romantic rivals with large weaponry. Thou shallot not covet thy neighbor’s wife (husband) will take on new meaning this month. It appears that you are compatible with the Ox or the Monkey but they don’t think so. Experiment with invisibility and make new friends. Tonight: If you can’t walk the walk at least walk the dog.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, asphalt alchemist, pawn to the elements