Author Archive for M. Toole

Link Poised to cast deciding vote in caucus bottleneck

(Washington) The Missing Link could be in hot water this week, faced with casting a potentially deciding vote establishing the prominence of artificial intelligence in government.

One of thousands of Congressional committees, that has been studying UFOs, aliens, card tricks and trickle down fiscal theories could not come up with a majority and decided to yield  The Link, a recognized expert on the subject.

 A savior to some and a villain to others, The Link expressed surprise and concern that it would “all have to be up to me.” On the run from researchers and scientists for decades the Link has been forced to employ an array of disguises from Hitler to Little Bo Peep.

His tragic, often disjointed career as half super hero and half boogeymen, has further shrouded attempts to communicate with the authorities, landing him on the terrorist list in 2009. An illegal entry (to attend a favorite niece’s wedding) into the US culminated in a high-speed chase, roof-top escapades, a far-fetched alibi, a little mountainy know-how and a plethora of other hyphenated words.

Despite expensive police dragnets and a reward of over half a million dollars The Link remains on the lamb, enjoying life, eating out and romancing.

 Although never serving at an elected post, The Link reportedly ran 15 democracies and 3 dictatorships between the Mystery Years (1956-1996) when he was believed to be living in Miami.

Readers are asked to contact police if they see anyone fitting the description of The Link.

-Small Mouth Bess

 

 

FIRST FOURTH OF JULY BARBECUE A REAL BASH

by Ripple Van Winkle, whose ancestors never agreed to sign anything

“I may never attend another tea party as long as I live”

       – King George III of  England, in response to protests in Boston Harbor, 1773.

“Who brought the potato salad?”

– Josiah Bartlett, of New Hampshire, about an hour after the reading of the first draft of the Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

The tradition of the Fourth of July barbecue has been with us for damn near 250 years. Appropriately enough, the first one was celebrated while the ink was still wet on a noted document that declared the independence of the Thirteen American Colonies from Great Britain.* 

Since the end of the French and Indian War tension between the British Crown and the Colonies had increased significantly. The conflict had left the  royal treasury depleted. The British were real estate poor and needed cash run the empire. The solution? Raise taxes in the Colonies and tighten customs controls. After all, in the eye of the Crown, the Americans had benefited most from the French defeat and somebody had to pay the caddie.

Many of the Colonists responded by harassing tax and custom officials and blood was shed. In Boston, in 1770 British redcoats opened up on protesters over on King Street, killing five. Spoiling for a fight, the Sons of Liberty jumped on the propaganda bandwagon, dubbing the bumbling incident a massacre, calling it The Shot Heard Round the World. Actually, according to ear-witnesses, the shot was heard only about as far as Concord but that little truth would not have allowed for the impact on potential supporters.

In 1773 angry Colonists hosted the Boston Tea Party and in the spring of 1775 at Lexington the fighting erupted between Yankee farmers and British regulars.

The next year, on July Fourth, with hostilities in full swing, all of the Colonies except New York voted in favor of the now completed Declaration of Independence. New York adopted it on July 11, one week after a barbecue thrown by the Continental Congress. Historians still cannot agree as to whether the New Yorkers brought the slaw or a three-bean salad but despite an afternoon of candid, often controversial exchanges the the Tory-infested colony joined the rebellion.

We eavesdrop on that fateful July 4, at about 2:30 in the afternoon: A group of revolutionaries including Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, Samuel Chase, John Hancock, William Whipple and Francis Lightfoot Lee are standing around a large pit where turkeys, venison and sausage were being cooked. The accents range from Yankee twang to southern drawl. 

Whipple: …I don’t know Tom, I’m all for this all men are created equal business but I’m afraid we could be in for one ass kickin.

Jefferson: You worry too much, Bill, the  British are far too busy with the French to pay us any mind. Besides, we’re half a world away.  After a few months King George’s redcoats will be in full flight, tails between their legs.

Adams: That may be wishful thinking, Tom. King George seems obsessed. He calls us a mob of insolent, petty lawyers. His doctors have even warned him about getting too excited about planning the war. I don’t expect him to back off. Our spies say he’s already hired regiments of Hessians to do his bidding.

Chase: Damn! Hessians would be nothing! Will those green horseflies give us no peace? I knew it was a mistake to rent this hall across from the livery stable!

Lee: Miserable creatures akin to British tax assessors.

Hancock: How are those ribs coming, Sam? All this prime scuttlebutt has made me quite hungry.

Chase: I’m just about to add the sauce, John. It was concocted by one of my slaves. The sausages are just about ready. Hand me the spatula and I’ll turn them again.

Franklin: Has anyone seen George Washington? He said he’d make the trip down from New York today.

Lee:  He’s probably still busy watching the British fleet come up the Hudson. Have we established an official position on his expense account yet? It’s nice that he’s agreed to run this whole shooting match without a salary but somebody had better keep an eye on his taste for the good life. His sherry bill alone could put us all in the poor house before we put a bonafide army in the field.

Whipple: Speaking of money, we really don’t have the authority to spend a penny nor to levy taxes to fight a war. We were lucky to raise money for this barbecue.

Franklin: All things in good time.  My dealings with the French have opened new doors. It is our sacred duty to continue the struggle against tyranny with empty pocketbooks if necessary. The will of a free people is powerful.

Hancock: Just who are we including on this holy roster, Doctor Franklin? What about the Indians? What about the slaves? I don’t see any women among our group of eager signers.

Lee: Now see here, John, up in Massachusetts, you’ve got a slew of hot headed ideas. You’ve also got a slew of indentured servants running around while, out of the other side of your mouth, you condemn slavery in the South. Slavery is just a matter of economics, boy. It’s nothing personal. Let’s kick the Brits out first, then we’ll deal with domestic matters.

Jefferson: It does sound a bit hypocritical now that you mention it, but the revolution will not survive without the support of the slave owners. Maybe we could change the wording in the first paragraph. How does some men are created equal grab you?

Whipple: It’s too late. Our declaration is already at the printers. Besides, most of the fringe element cannot read anyway.

Franklin: Either way I think we have defined a set of timeless democratic principles…

Adams: That’s nice, Doctor, but let’s get back to this “all men being created equal matter. Is that everybody or just white males who read and write and own land?

Franklin: It’s not just everyone who’s here now. It includes all the people who will come to these shores in the future.

Whipple: Immigrants? I never considered that a break with the Empire will open us up to hordes of the tired and poor. Do you want a bunch of ragamuffin foreigners roaming the streets of Philadelphia, Doctor Franklin?

Franklin: I don’t see that we have a choice. We have to include everyone.

Lee: Nonsense. We have to keep the lid on or we will become the minority in our own land. 

Jefferson: It may appear to some that we have acted hastily and that reconciliation with the Crown is the logical outcome of our efforts…

Franklin: Reconciliation is no part of anyone’s plan. It’s submission or the sword. Our only alternative to independence is slavery.

Adams: Slavery for who?

Chase: Slavery for slaves, John. You Yankees just can’t seem to get a grip, can you.

Jefferson: Gentlemen, let’s not argue over issues yet to be addressed. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Adams: And then what happens when we want to get to the other side?

Lee: Gentlemen, please, let’s not let politics get in the way of our stomachs. Looks like the table is prepared. Let’s eat.

Hancock: Not so fast, Francis. I think my esteemed colleague from Massachusetts is on to something. Surely the French will be laughing up their silk sleeves at our brashness. I think we had better decide the slavery issue now.

Chase: Your food’s getting cold, John. First we have to send King George packing, then we can talk this over. I’m sure we’ll come to the right conclusions. After all, we are honorable men. Try some of these ribs. They’re delicious, and the eagle’s not half bad either.

*The actual signing of the declaration didn’t take place until August 2  but here, for the convenience of all, the author ascends to the divine right of historical embellishment . In addition, it is virtually impossible to determine if everyone holds a barbecue on that date.

    

Forest Service Notes

USFS defends drone use

     Elite branches of the United States Forest Service will be employing un-manned drones to control negative and anti-social behavior in the woods this summer. Targets will include troublesome bear, aggressive lions, mean campers, litterbugs, pot smokers (It’s federal land, bub) and squatters. The maneuvers, which will begin in July, could save the agency thousands of dollars in man hours and record keeping costs.

     Persons wishing to give input on this deviation from the norm should attend a public meeting slated for Tuesday at the Maybell Town Hall in Moffat County unless the wind is blowing. Maybell has the distinction of recording the coldest ever temperature in the state of Colorado (-61 below zero) in 1985, which has little to do with drones.

     “We are undermanned and the criminal element is everywhere,” said a USFS spokesperson, “and it ain’t even hunting season yet.”

Colorado Moves to Privatize Beaches

     A plan to privatize a majority of state beaches in Colorado has generated little reaction due in part to the state’s limited shoreline. Of the 3500 residents polled more than 90% say that the issue does not deserve attention compared to serious issues such as gay marriage, legal marijuana, Rockies’ relief pitching and gun control. Major shorelines found near such spots as Blue Mesa, Dillon Reservoir and Cherry Creek Reservoir will remain much the same as far as access and regulations.

     “They will just be private rather than public which opens the door for drilling and development,” said a state source.

     “This is the first step in rescinding all former water agreements with other states such as Nevada, Arizona and California,” said adjudication experts on the scene. “As global warming continues to worsen we have to focus on reserving our water, as well as our beaches.”

Cannabis Float Trips Targeted by Feds

     If you’re taking one of the many Cannabis Float Trips offered in Colorado this summer beware of attacks by federal gangs aimed at ruining your afternoon. Thanks to a decree by the Obama Administration all waterways, rivers, lakes and canals are now under direct federal supervision and activities on or near these “tributaries of national security” are subject to United States law. Enlisted and culled by elements of Homeland Security, the patrolling thugs are unpaid but make a hefty profit on boats and personal belongings of rafters which are confiscated according to zero tolerance legislation enacted late last night after the bars closed. Rivers that are most likely to be affected are the Yampa, the Colorado, the Gunnison and the Uncompahgre.

– Rocky Flats

Some primates have evolved while others have not

Congress Cuts Space Budget, Strands Astronauts

(Warshington) In the latest bout of partisan politics the United States Congress today cut spending on NASA and other space programs, many that have been in existence since the Kennedy years. The cuts came abruptly and as much of a surprise to insiders here in the nation’s capital.

     Unlike other budgetary considerations, this move is effective immediately and sadly leaves at least 7 astronauts floating around in outer space. The funds, earmarked to return the space travelers to earth in the next 15 days, are no longer in the coffer and therefore cannot be used to bring them home.

     The legislation comes as a shock to many Democrats who insist the fault herein lies with the Republicans. Members of the GOP blame the demise of the program on tax and spend Democrats who they say can’t stop writing checks.

     The Pentagon budget and criminal tax breaks for corporate giants are not affected by the cuts.

     Informed of the development, several astronauts expressed concern but agreed that they would be grounded sooner or later.

     “We have enough chemical food and oxygen to last two more weeks,” said Aurora B. Alice, one of the first female astronaut pioneers to orbit the earth back in 1979. “I know how these lawmakers look at ground level but they look even sillier and sometimes sinister, from up here.”

     Critics say the Congress is desperate to make changes and that the entire body seems disoriented. Many of the members on both sides of the aisle have taken to talking to themselves and exhibiting forgetfulness on a grand scale. One Republican Senator from Alabama could not remember where to meet his limo while a Democrat from Vermont could not remember the names of his servants. Another has been giving away gifts from lobbyists.

     Maybe we could take the money out of Social Security and Medicare,” suggested rookie astronaut Melvin Toolski, even though it doesn’t belong to us. Or maybe we could lower minimum wage. I for one am tired of giving it all away to the poor. What do they contribute?” he asked.

     Meanwhile the United States Air Force, which reported a hefty surplus in 2012, has offered to rescue the astronauts. 

     “It was either NASA or NPR,” said one Republican Representative from Ohio. “So we don’t want to hear lot of whining from the liberals.”

– Alfalfa Romeo

PUTIN Reportedly DEAD

(Queens, NY) Ukranian neighborhoods here are abuzz with rumors that Vladimir Putin is dead. Celebrations circulate the summer concrete heralding the blessed event. Plots drift from a vile of Cossack poison to a small Stalin-era detention device planted carefully amid his flowing boxers. 

“Boom!” gestures a chubby Slavic shopkeeper smiling. “Boom!”

Some say he is already scoped out his resting place somewhere in the vast expanse of Siberia, next to Peter the Great and his beloved Russian chihuahua, Mao. Meanwhile happy funeral goers appear to be enjoying the exchanges of information, true or not.

Others say he stumbled on slippery 16th century Czarist tiles or fell off his secret, high-security throne. More creative accounts hold that he was repeatedly dunked in his bathwater by a swarthy Taliban assassin “until he drowned like a rat”. 

Insiders insist he has been dead since early 2016.

“They have several autocratic guys who look like Putin, dress like Putin,” said a refugee from Crimea. “Think about it–Many of them look like Putin–White, bvalding, paranoid…Did I mention White?”

 “Even his reputed girlfriend couldn’t tell the difference,” cackled one woman from her perch at a local bar.

She further contends that Soviet-like invasions have gone poorly because Russian munitions factories are cranking out foolish Cardboard cutouts of Russian leader instead of bullets.

“Putin was never top gun anyway.” says my golfing buddy, a serious student of living history.

He says if Putin had really been the Man he’d have been snuffed out by other mafia figures unhappy with his early  performance in Ukraine. 

These claims have been heatedly disputed by the Kremlin and locally by history department heads at Jerry Lewis University in Durango. 

-Kashmir Horseshoe