Author Archive for M. Toole
George Santos has not been elected President
(Muttontown) Burgeoning rumors that George Santos has not been elected President of the United States were put to rest today when Joe Biden showed up for work again.
The first term Republican Congressman will be brought up on charges of fraud and money laundering with large strands of gullible ribbon and little white lies holding it all together.
Santos had no comment according to a report from unconfirmed sources from an undisclosed secret incarceration locale.
Meanwhile Santos sits in Congress entertaining lobbyist offers received from some of the nation’s most influential money people
We can confirm that George has accepted a position with Exxon but we do not know any more than that said one unreliable passerby.
“A disgrace to most Americans but a hero to us. What a salesman!”, said an undisclosed insider. “It’s almost like a lobbyist spot was the original plan. He just waltzed in through the sleeping porch.
-Rufus Maxwell
Public Service Announcement:
The new Dolores Dog Wash is not an Air B & B.
Please stop hounding us.
MOST BLACK BEAR LIVE BELOW POVERTY LINE
(Bare Falls) A majority of Colorado’s 12,000 black bear are indigent, penniless and otherwise destitute according to Division of Fur, Scales, and Feathers here. The Office of FSF, a division of the Colorado SOW says the problem is increasing with sub-substandard snow pack yielding less food and fewer acres of ample ground cover in which to hide from burgeoning human occupiers.
The black bear, the smallest and most numerous of the overall species, has been living hand to mouth for centuries, long before statistics as to fiscal well being were collected. In the years when worth was measured not in material wealth but in spirit this did not present such a gaping problem but today the disparity runs rampant like a hungry child with his ass hanging out.
Black bear family crosses River Road near Ridgway early in the morning.
Although the bear is inquisitive, very adaptive, bright and social, he is up against the wall of progress. Despite the inequality he is remarkably tolerant of humans. A shy omnivore, the bear will eat just about anything plant or animal. Chronic problems emerge when the animals get used to eating human garbage and thus have more contact with the main predator, which, of corpse, is you and I.
Able to run in bursts exceeding 35 miles per hour and climb trees like nobody’s business, black bear are great swimmers. Often living up to 25 years in the wild, the bear exhibits incredible smell, sight and hearing.
“The bear may be proud beasts but are basically stinky deadbeats, like most other forest mammals,” said Durango biologist Lexy Brooine, head of the Fur and Feathers segment of SOW, a state component of Boneland Security.
“If you give a bear a fish you create dependency. If you teach a bear to fish you create a functional creature who embraces independence. With all the people on welfare and other gov’ment assistance these days it is difficult to cater to the beasts,” she explained. “There is only so much money to give away.”
Often considered reasonably affluent in comparison to smaller mammals as well as fish and flying things, the black bear have fallen onto hard times due to bad investments, outsourcing, lack of leadership and a gradual departure from scrupulous survival instincts that have served them well for the millenniums.
“Sounds a lot like the current human quagmire,” said Brooine.
“Besides garbage and cars, ski areas and mountain golf resorts have mercilessly killed traditional habitat leaving the animals reliant on the gov’ment,” added Brooine. “Think of all the money diverted into already deep pockets on these endeavors, and it’s easy to see why the bear are where they are, at least in a financial sense.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Put a lid on it
Rumors flying all about our mountain valleys are all false but some could be true. Most are the result of someone’s fantasies or fears and should be not taken as fact unless the real fasts are too painful and denial sets in. Sit quietly.
Many Colona Properties Still on Block
Sanctioned Russian oligarch did not buy Colona. If he were sanctioned how would he have raised the cash? What does this mean anyway? Is Colona sanctioned? All approval and threat aside could the rest of Ouray County sanction Colona if she wanted to move farther away from Highway 550 during the collective construction.
Roundabouts swallow up seven so far in ’23
(Montrose) Seven disappearances of local motorists have been blamed on what doctors call Roundabout Dysfunction “We have reached seven so far this year with four unaccounted for since June 15. Our most recent victim, Queen Antrappe, former runner-up beauty queen from El Cajon, was proceeding south at the popular Woodgate Roundabout on Thursday has reportedly resurfaced after going missing for over a week.
“I was on my way to Chicken Bay when this cattle truck cut me off – I don’t remember anything after that. Her cats Faith, Hope, and Charity, her constant companions who were traveling with Antrappe in the 2002 Corolla were recovered unharmed. Antrappe was cheated and released at a local pill dispensary and sent to Parlin for observation.
Summer Gunnison Manger scene brings out our worst
Armed groups have gathered in apprehension of violence over the location of a summer manger scene. Past fairy tale controversies had limited themselves to December but now with mega churches and Jesus commercials on TV in-your-face religion is again center stage.
“We can’t have these barbarian Bethlehem controversies again and certainly not at that holy time of the year. Do you realize that we cash out in December. It’s the most lucrative time in retail.” an anonymous Wise Man attending a symposium here entitled Just Who Was in the Manger?
90% of the actors in the play were destitute migrant workers and most of the paltry livestock was already betrothed by the Year 1. Yet the guests of honor ascended their inherited paradise and settled in wicker chairs with a casks of single malt and a fly swatter. Snubbed by the exclusive entourage, King Herod, declared a bank holiday and planned his revenge. Lamenting past failures within the confines of infantricide Herod was said to be in an awful state.
“My empire for a bucket of worm castings” – V. Ethyl Parvenu, organic gardener
Night history, political science classes offered
Finally! Adult American history classes. Find out what they didn’t tell you about the US in school and become a real patriot for it. Coursework covers slavery, genocide, labor wars, racial immigration, causes for the Mexican and Civil Wars, Reconstruction, Robber Barons, Jim Crow and Malcolm X.
For more write Uncle Scam, Box 19865, Rifle. Pry your knowledge and comprehension out of the dark ages. Register at the Multi-Events Center at the Cathedral of the Perennially Stunned today!
The Reading of the US Constitution
Where recent immigrants read these documents aloud
to United States natives who have not read same.
(Ha Ha! Listen to their funny accents).
June 29 *Complete roster of professional baseball statistics from
1869 to present relayed in a clever chronological format…
July 5- 6 *Mad Hatter Machiavellian
July 8 Karl Marx rebuttal of Ayn Rand
July 9-10 Ayn Rand rebuttal of Karl Marx
July 10 Comparison and Analysis of European and Colonial
head-butting philosophies since 1634.
July 15 Out-of-Market matches negated.
(Summer break)
July 20 Riveting Detours Live in Concert – AI or just anal?
Closed Circuit Only…Extra Credit Premium
This fall: Weekly readings at your local Communist Health Food Co-op.
Sorry: No more scholarships until 2030.
-compiled by Katie Wompus
Coors Field Security on Alert After Continuing Dinger Attacks
(Dember) Some fans say the man who allegedly attacked Rockies’ mascot Dinger back in April was back in his seat Friday leading to concerns about audience safety and adult self-control on Blake Street.
Mounting attacks have taken the conflicts to a second level forcing authorities to beef up patrols around men’s rooms, souvenir stands and hot dog dispensaries.
Dinger, victim or provocateur?
“These are places that Dinger has been physically abused by Rockies fans, angry and frustrated with the basement in the NL West,” said popular commentator colored guy Waite Wilbourg. “The fans would like to take revenge on the current ownership that they insist does little to improve the disappointing and embarrassing performance of the pitching staff.”
When asked if in fact the pitching staff problems are a direct result of injuries sustained at the start of the season Wilbourg’s eyes rolled back and he began chanting “Arenado…Story…Arenado….Story”.
At present there have been over 80 attacks on Dinger. That compares to 3 during the same time period on Avalanche mascot “Bernie”, while Edson, a symbol of the Colorado Rapids has suffered “only a scrape or two’ from unruly fans.
The Nuggets, due in part to a successful campaign this season, have had no incidents involving negative response to Rocky. Similarly, over in Bronco Country no one has had the cahones to mess with Miles the Horse.
Management has attempted to downplay the violence intimating that the supposed attacks were more like tackles and were the work on a lone wolf (left-handed) perpetrator who is expected to be start for Albuquerque on Monday.
Learn to speak Canadian like a native. Weekly Classes now forming
Monkeys Evolving at Alarming Pace
(Washington) Simians, constituting a clear majority in the primate classification, will soon overtake humans so far as population and range of influence it was disclosed today.
Not only, according to a bevy of celebrity monkey watchers, will the primates (Cercopithecidae) become the dominant sub-group in the international pecking order but they will overtake human intelligentia by 2075.
“The simiiformes have made tremendous, albeit subtle, advances over the past decade especially in the highly contested fields of science and engineering,” said Dr. Carl LaFongue, of the Bilateral Institute here. “And they are just getting started.”
Never before has a phenomenon like this grabbed the attention of the world. As we all watched, the price of bananas has skyrocketed as has designated tree space.
“Monkeys have quickly filled the void left by cousin humans clearly more interested in technology than what is natural,” continued LaFongue. “It’s a frightening shade of the Neanderthal.”
“Yes, we have no bananas. Homo Sapiens has forgotten about all those wooden souls out there in the forests and jungles,” continued LaFongue, who prefers avocados to bananas.
Critics of the studies have been harsh.
“You wanna be the top dog, heh monkey? Fine. You run the place.”
Creative landscaping boulders. You haul. Some as large as meteors maybe. Blue Creek Canyon Demolition and Recovery, Sapinero.
