Author Archive for M. Toole
Pope explains “Rising” to herd of goats in Sicily
“So this Jewish guy ascended into heaven? Who pushed the rock out of the way? How did he get airborne?” asked the leading goat, his horns shined and his speculative goatee in full contemplation.
It was like this,” explained the Pope… “the unfortunate fellow died and they buried him in a secret cave, then the next morning somebody pushes the massive rock out of the cave entrance and he shows up again showing off wounds and then going up into the sky. A pleasant enough maiden named Mary would perform the same trick upon her death some time later. The Hundus and the have similar stories and paintings of hallowed people ascending into god knows where.
“Oh.” said the goats, agreeing that it was a nice story.
The Pope left Palermo tonight by jet boat for Morocco where he will convalesce from a relentless bout with a rare infallibility virus. He is expected to recover.
-Fred Zeppelin
“I’m only too happy to play God.” – Lucifer
BIDEN GIVES RED STATES TO CHINA
(Montrose) President Joe Biden today ceded control of most of the southern and middle of the United States to China so as to satisfy interest payments on outstanding loans and avoid financial default. According to reliable Republican sources here, the transfers will go into affect on July 5 so as not to interfere with Fourth of July parades and fireworks the day before.
The area effected includes all territory from Florida to Texas and from Indiana to Oklahoma, as well as Wyoming, Idaho, Utah and Montana. Residents there will have until July 31 to vacate the premises or swear allegiance to China.
“We hated to give up North Carolina, Montana and Florida since those states may well vote Democratic in coming elections,” said an Administration spokesperson.
The decision to give away half of the United States came after the Chinese called in a series of debts relating to trade imbalances and “egg roll diplomacy” said White House.
“You won’t read this in the papers,” said the GOP source. “Biden has made sure of that. He has pissed away the Confederacy!”
Alluding to the reputed deep state, the more transparent liberal media and the lies circulated by progressives, he went on to say that Red China is now “a sad shade more red than before”.
“At least the Chinese restaurants might improve,” he frowned. “They have certainly gone downhill under this administration.”
For a related story see
“Colorado Meth Alley Counties Volunteer to Join Red States in Gerrymandering Blitzkrieg”
on page 45
Plastic diapers blamed for behavior disorders
Hemp the Savior?
(Yellow Rock) The use of plastic disposable diapers is being blamed for the rise in insanity in civilized cultures according to pediatricians from here to Brownsville. Aside from the obvious psychological damage that occurs when baby is left too long in any soiled duds the employment of disposable diapers may be the root of the rampant social disorder that has plagued the planet since turn of the last century.
Pop culturalists agree that plastic diapers made their opening statement in 1948 and were embraced by mothers (and fathers) who could afford what was considered a luxury.
Despite the great invention, trouble was ahead. No diapers to wash but was baby different than before? Were these diapers really such a good idea? Were infants wearing these disposables losing ground both physically and mentally due to chemicals and plastic embracing their sensitive skin? Were babies becoming psychopathic because they wore disposable crotch threads?
Some doctors say that a baby experiences gratification and security by touch at a young age. What can we expect when he or she is living in plastic and adhesive instead of soft cotton and safety pins? Super-absorbent polymers, resealable tape, elastic waistbands. Was this the stuff of cribs and changing tables in the future?
Navel intelligence tells us there is less than 10% collateral damage here but is not clear what harm is done by the very nature of the garment. Unfortunately the key witnesses who are still parading around in disposable diapers are not likely to have mastered the language at that young age and thus cannot to tell us much about the nitty gritty reality.
Then there is the environmental impact. Disposable is a two-headed monster and convenience comes at a high price. In just a dozen years discarded plastic diapers would account for 1.5% of the municipal waste in the country. In 2050 the diapers pitched in a landfill today will just begin biodegrading.
One solution is to begin producing diapers from hemp which is comfortable, sturdy, cheap and last virtually forever. Although many parents are hesitant due to ignorance of hemp which has long been associated with the drug culture. Hemp diapers are ecologically friendly and cost a fraction of the plastic variety. Yes, they must be washed but considering the fiscal and environmental benefits it is clearly worth it. Already astronauts, the incontinent and a host of little circus dogs have been wearing hemp nappies for years to glowing reports. The more industrial versions have been known to empower Democrats to present longer speeches and control Wikileaks in aging Republicans.
One researcher, speaking on the condition that he not be associated with diapers of any kind said, “Virtually everyone in civilized society has worn plastic diapers and everyone is basically nuts.”
– Dag Katz
WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT
Grandfather clauses are only as good as the grandfather himself.
Guinness always appears in the plural form. Attempts to employ in the singular are grammatically and socially incorrect. It’s similar to deer and hops.
Murphy gas can cover Ballyhops in springtime
I don’t trust the government or the media and I don’t rely on the cops.
If all politicians were professional wrestlers the conventions would be worth watching.
The Heeny Tick Festival has had its fiscal difficulties over the past few years.
On British television they have a program that presents actual hospital operations live each day. In Ireland they bet on the outcome.
West Texas may have been shorted on landscapes but more than makes up for it in percentage of beautiful women.
Praying is perfectly legitimate in Bingo parlors. The gov’ment hasn’t regulated that freedom yet.
If the feds drain Lake Powell they will have no place to put all that water.
The Luddites were right.
If the Creator were inclined to invest in humans again he/she might be planning to send a daughter next time around. Why not let her give it a try.
Vegetarians are not within the target audience of the Slim Jim Company.
With the recent sale of a 1955 Cadillac Sedan de Ville to Hector Perez of Santiago, Cuba there are now more vintage Yanqui cars in that country than in the U.S. This shameful disregard for cultural priorities has been documented by everyone from John Elway to the American Automobile Club. If Roscoe Ortega can come up with the down payment on a 1959 Lincoln Town Car this weekend it is feared the Cubans may enjoy a two-car lead by the All-Star break.
If you answered Bill Clinton in our April Name A Famous Person From Arkansas Contest you win nada. That was not exactly the answer we were looking for, by any stretch of the imagination.
Alan Greenspam should thank the IRS for slowing down the U.S. economy.
If the Ten Commandments serve no secular purpose (as a federal judge ruled recently in London, Kentucky than what constitutes secular?
Thanks to the millions of dollars spent to take the recent census we can accurately determine that no one lives on Duckwater Peak in Eastern Nevada. In addition very few persons reside on nuclear test sites there either.
-H.L. MENOCKEN
Lack of Eligible Ladies Drives Bachelors to Despair
(Ouray) The overabundance of males in the San Juan Region has driven many to the slums of the cities in search of a mate and a more affectionate future. Already the rings of poverty around urban centers have grown faster than the cities themselves, creating a nightmare for police and social services providers. The chronic problem becomes epidemic during winter months when distractions are fewer, outdoor activities are somewhat limited and men are forced to sit around contemplating their tragic status.
Shortages of proper lady dancing partners like burrs in the saddle say most West Slope bachelors
“The big lie that manifests itself here is that opportunities for romance are burgeoning in large population areas,” said Herb Valentine, who runs a half-way house for recovering romantics on Red Mountain. “Almost to a man they arrive in the city to find nothing but the same. Soon they are sucked into the dredged society and turn to crime to avert starvation.”
Addictions to such plentiful drugs as Laudanum (Ronald Reagan’s drug of choice) and cheap alcohol are rampant and especially destructive in the younger population, many of them still virgins. Falling smack into the lap of poverty, these new arrivals have nothing between them and a certain, lonely demise.
“It’s sadder than the mug on John Boehner during budget negotiations with Barack Obama,” said Valentine.
Women in Denver City searching for male company. “Look no further, ” say Western Slope single gents.
Overtures are already in motion urging large groups of eligible flatlander females to take their vacations in Western Colorado en masse, especially in the winter. Some more aggressive hopefuls are even calling for the complete relocation of women so as to attain their lofty goals.
A complicated rating system that couples males and females has been scrapped in favor of simpler Friday night dances, hay rides and gala Sunday brunch festivities designed to create dialogue and potential matchmaking. Critics of these moves say males must be eligible too or the system will cave in under its own weight.
“Eligible is a relative term on a cold winter night,” said Valentine, “at least for these boys.”
Women seeking to pursue this line of reasoning should send photos and information to Social Director, Ouray Mountain Rescue Flowers and Gifts, Old Maid Mine, Colorado.
– Uncle Pahgre
