Author Archive for M. Toole
Visiting our Civil War battlefields
In recognition of the 160th Anniversary of several major battles in the American Civil War, Lake City residents Sam and Matilda Heartfelt traveled to Chancellorsville, Virginia; Vicksburg, Mississippi and Gettysburg, Pennsylvania to view the once heavily contested terrain. Little did they know that we installed a secret listening device in the ash tray of their Flexible Fleet-wheel Lamsteed Kampkar so as to keep close tabs on their conversations for the three week trip.
Week One: Chancellorsville, Virginia.
We pick up the action upon the arrival of the Heartfeldes:
Matilda—“If Union general Hooker would not have been so hesitant and had showed some calm under fire, standing firm rather than retreating to the confines of the town, he might have easily defeated Lee who had already split his undermanned army and could not have had the punch to knock out an overwhelming force,”
Sam— “Nonsense. Hooker was simply being cautious and adopting a defensive position. Look at the Confederate casualties and you will see that he was right. The South may have won the day but at a terrible cost of men and supplies.”
Matilda—“You think that just because you caught a few History Channel segments you are some expert. It was my relatives who fought while yours bought their way out of inscription.”
Sam—”And that was probably the last honorable thing any of your worthless relatives accomplished since…
Matilda—My family fought a Celtic war for the glory of the South while yours hid behind mother’s apron just like you. I must have been out of my mind to marry a man who has no sense of history much less a sense of the present. I must have been mad to think I could spend three weeks on the road with an imbecile. You sleep on the pull out couch tonight.
Week Two: Vicksburg, Mississippi
Sam—”Sure is hot this morning.
Matilda—”No it isn’t. It’s balmy for this neck of the woods.
Sam—The thermometer on the camper says 95 and its not even noon.
Matilda—That thing isn’t accurate. I told you not to buy the cheap one. What’s up with the air-conditioning? It doesn’t seem to be functioning.
Sam—Oh I forgot to refill the freon. I figured we could rough it for a few days in honor of the men who fought here.
Matilda—What a stupid idea. Don’t ever do that without asking me first.
Sam—According to this map the siege began in May and six weeks later the Rebels surrendered giving the Yankees control of the Mississippi and effectively splitting the South in two.
Matilda—History always looks simple to simple minds. You just love to hear yourself talk, don’t you. Your knowledge of this battle could fit inside a bottle cap and your choice of campsites is particularly annoying. Look how far we are from the bathrooms.
Sam—But we’re self-contained
Matilda—In your dreams. You forgot to flush the system and it’s backed up, moron. I’m spending the night in a hotel and far away from you.
Sam—Good. I won’t be here when you come back.
Week Three: Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Matilda— If Lee would have adopted a more defensive position from day one he might have won a victory instead of having to high-tail it back home.
Sam—Maybe,
Matilda—What do you mean Maybe? It’s clear that charging into a fortified position with fewer troops is a recipe for military disaster.
Sam―Not always.
Matilda: Oh, I see you’re still pouting from Vicksburg.
Sam—I am not pouting. II’ve never pouted in my life. If I did it wouldn’t be over the likes of you. I’m just tired of listening to you go on about things you don’t understand. I’m sick of the way you dress. Your food stinks, you wear too much makeup and you snore.
Matilda—You’re one to talk. You scurry around in those bib overalls with that stupid Rockies’ hat, with chew spilling out the side of your mouth. You never had the least bit of ambition and your dog is worthless.
Sam—Your dog ran away.
Matilda—No she didn’t. You purposely ran her over with the car.
Sam―That’s not true. I was watching out for your mother in the driveway when that dog started yapping…
Matilda—Don’t blame my mother for this. She was right about you. No backbone. No integrity. The poor woman has been depressed ever since I married you.
Sam—Why don’t you just shut up and watch the battle reenactment. Maybe a stray bullet will find you and I can enjoy the rest of my life in peace.
Matilda—Why must you be so hateful. Oh no…look at the gas gauge. You forgot to get gas! We’ll be stranded.
Sam—There’s enough gas to get back to town. If not, you can walk in for fuel. Maybe you’ll shed a few pounds in the process.
Sam and Matilda will present a slide show of their wonderful trip at the Lake City Armory this fall.
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C. Fields
GARDENING EDITOR WOUNDED IN KNIFE FIGHT
(Gunnison) prominent gardening voice in the Gunnison Valley is recovering from a pointed altercation suffered outside of a local nursery yesterday. According to police, Melvin Toole will survive the injuries although he is having trouble holding water at present.
The fight reportedly precipitated over the definition of perennial and in no time had exploded into violence as threats were realized and knives were brandished.
The assailant, a 93-year-old Gunnison grandmother identified as Mabel Singleton, allegedly rushed the unsuspecting Toole as he fondled a tomato plant, stabbing him repeatedly. Singleton, a retired botanist, once employed by the Pentagon, said she could not tolerate Toole’s condescending attitude toward the philodendrons. She is being held at the Alamo/Pizza Mountain Mental Health Clinic for psychiatric observation. If convicted she could face pruning and lifetime banishment from gardening operations in the Tomichi Sector.
In a related piece, the same newspaper’s obituary editor, Rocky Flats, dropped dead just after deadline on Friday. Flats has only recently won the Mormon Lottery. His winnings will be split up between his ex-wife, Frieda, a Paraguayan traffic cop and his brother Red who once raised giant shrimp near Parlin.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“Good Lord! I almost slept through cocktail hour.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe, on the pros and cons of the daily siesta in South America
Denver seizes Rockies in Keystone Feat
(Greeley) The City and County of Denver, reportedly tired of bad baseball and shoddy management in an uproarious baseball town has formally seized the assets and daily operations of the National league West’s basement team, the Colorado Rockies.
In what has been called “an appropriation”, high ranking, city hall officials contend that “the current performances at Coors Field and in stadiums around the country are causing irreparable damage to baseball and are sullying the image of Colorado.”
They say the culture of losing is thwarting the normal athletic development of local youth and pissing-off grandmothers and irritating grandfathers.
The dire action has been expected for some time. The drastic step of commandeering the team was engineered from the very beginning with anger and finally boycott of all things Rocky until the Greeley Meat People are forced out of the grim picture.
“It’s less a pugnacious, belligerent seizure, more a peaceful acquisition, with its share of drama, Socrates to Shakespearean,” said an official press release from the mayor’s office.
Already the entire Rockies’ infield has embraced vegetarianism in a passive-aggressive protest against bad trades and poor decisions going back to the DJ LeMahieu – Daniel Murphy fiasco. The Nolan Arenado and Trevor Story bungling was the final straw.
“These carpetbagger feed lot buddies don’t care bout the fans or building a competitive team. They only care about profits. It is painfully clear that there were no new agendas developing,” said the source. “We looked down the road and saw no attempts to remedy the disaster or willingness to sustain solid acquisitions on the horizon.”
The gov’ment officials say a turn around may take some time but that improvements would be clearly visible from day one. Several stockholders welcomed the news agreeing that the Monforts would not be missed. Whispers on South Broadway confirmed chatter that the team would be run by the city and county until an appropriate buyer can be isolated. Already several baseball entities have come forward and expressed interest.
The ledgers look good even if the scorecard does not. The franchise is clearly a gold mine for the right ownership group.
NL Officials, stunned by the swift, bloodless takeover are calling it a Coup d’ Diamond. This confiscation (Some call it an official condemnation) is the first of its kind in any major professional sport. Even hacks such as Al Davis or George Steinbrenner were sent packing this way.
The former lackluster management, reportedly held at an undisclosed location near the Wyoming frontier, is awaiting future assignment somewhere in the bush league.
And Denver could be baseball town again.
– Rocky Flats
“Almost nothing trickles down, fools. The rich hoard it. Why do you think the sky is so blue? Why do you think their kids are rich?” – Henny Penny in It’s Trickling Down Your Leg and Other Poems
Colona Demands Variance
Designated clairvoyants in Colona are demanding a variance calling for relocation of Colona and a rewind of Highway 550. They say the increased intrusions of the modern world are a threat to the fragile and protected Wildcat Creek Cultural Zone — past, present and future.
“We need to distance ourselves from deep state asphalt, traffic noise, chuckholes, rogue moose, cheeky flatlanders and shallow thinking on these matters,” snapped a Committee for Public Safety member. “We won’t rest until the powers that be in the county lend an era to our undertaking.”
“Any diversion as to the quantity equal to the square of the standard deviation could set off a mad skedaddle for safety nets,” said a county official. “Do you think we’re just gonna sit here and let our black sheep cousin dictate policy?”
Colona is now officially at variance with other hamlets, real and imagined, in the region.
“CDOT Maps and documents are not cohesive with Uncompahgre topo maps or what the river does in the middle of the night when everyone is fast asleep,” explained the architect of the specified variance* requests. “After a century of digging there may be man-made cirques, deep shafts and meandering stope excavations under the whole valley. What happens when it all caves in? Colona seeks to be on the right side of history here.”
“If we can’t get the attention of them up in Ouray we’ll join the West End,” he cranked. “That’ll fix their wagons.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Former Nuggets sixth man, Bruce Brown, is slated to earn $44 million on a two-year contract with the Pacers: $100,000 to play basketball the remaining salary ($43,900,000 for living in Indianapolis).
“Basically the purpose of life is happiness.”
– Dalai Lama
*A variance is a way that cities may allow an exception to part of a zoning ordinance. It is a permitted departure from strict enforcement of the ordinance as applied to a particular piece of property. A variance is generally for a dimensional standard (such as setbacks or height limits). A variance allows the landowner to break a dimensional zoning rule that would otherwise apply.
Man walks off cliff near Chief Ouray Mine
A Missouri man today fell 220 feet from a cliff trail that, despite his GPS reading, ended abruptly.
With the exception of a few bruises the injured hiker, identified as Syd Fahrt, 46, was pronounced satisfactory, cheated and released from Mao Clinic this afternoon.
Companions told The Horseshoe that Fahrt, a resident of Farmington, was maneuvering behind an extensive aspen grove and became disoriented when the trail petered out.
Although he was warned to be careful in the undergrowth he insisted that the trail had to be there because it was clearly shown on his hand-held chaperone.
“He just kept walking, looking down at his phone, then fell over the side,” said one fellow hiker. “Here one minute – gone the next. He got very angry that two plus two no longer equaled four. He lost his cell during the fall. He’s lucky to be alive.”
Hikers are reminded that in the forest certain gadgets may not be as effective as they are on main street. Local authorities suggest using natural instincts and opening one’s eyes to the glories of the Rocky Mountain backwoods.
“Texting and hiking don’t mix,” said one ranger who reminded onlookers that the possession of a smart phone does not guarantee intelligent decisions. “Leave your crutches behind. Slap on some good shoes and bring a jug of water. Try getting in touch with the natural world again.”
Fahrt plans to sue the trailbreakers, the local rescue team, the chamber of comments, The Ute Nation, and the Uncompahgre National Forest for negligence in the matter.
-Pepper Salte
