Author Archive for M. Toole

CONGRESS AGREES ON GUN CONTROL LEGISLATION

(For Mideast)

(KUWAIT) In what many are calling unprecedented non-partisan action, the United States House and Senate passed a sweeping gun control bill today, for the Middle East.

     Unable to agree on similar legislation for their own country, the lawmakers voted unanimously to limit the flow of assault weapons to Iraq, Iran, Syria, Afghanistan, Egypt, Mali, Somalia and Palestine.

     Congratulating themselves across the aisle on the decision, the Congress then officially praised itself on the courageous application of Democratic ideals and the export of freedom, before retiring to an overpriced luncheon at a local Washington bistro. It was not clear how the action would affect the powerful weapons lobby or future military contracts in the various constituencies across the land.

     “Quite frankly I didn’t think the two sides could agree on anything,” said Alabaster Toolini, a lobbyist for the Italian sunglasses and shoe industry. “I suppose that it is feasible to think that someone in the Iraq might adhere to the new limits in exchange for electricity or clean water.”

     Toolini, an accomplished Calabrian chef and (Frank) Sinatra look-alike, expressed concern over the implementation of the restrictions in places like Syria and Afghanistan where war has become as common as an afternoon sand storm or in Iran where the government already controls weapons.

     Although no concrete plan was unveiled to jump start (fertilize) the new gun control legislation, leaders in the Senate said it was “a new beginning in altruistic attempts to create a lasting peace in the tumultuous region”. – Abdul “Mickey” Sands

“Baseball is what we were. Football is what we’ve become.”

– Mary McGrory

Making fun of lepers in bad taste

EDITORIAL

     Hey, I like a good laugh as well as the next guy but making sport of lepers goes too far. Just the other day we witnessed this kind of abuse with a rock throwing incident in one of our National Forests where lepers had camped for the night. Sure, you may not want to camp near them but there is no call for violence. This is ugly. What will these lepers tell their friends back home about their vacation in Colorado?

     The refusal of one visitor to rent a jeep after it had been used by a leper is nothing short of  malicious and reprehensible. Name calling, metaphorical and otherwise, is inexcusable.

     Granted, we do not have a sizable leper population but the ones we do have should be respected.

     Don’t these people have enough with which to contend without insult and injury hurled from fellow humans? Bigotry aimed at these unfortunates is ignorant and hateful. It is the offspring of misunderstandings and fears generated by parents, schools and society as a whole. Like it or not, lepers are just like you and I and deserve a break. After all they don’t generally create problems. Most hide out from the sunshine in black timber redoubts far away from the threats of the modern populace. Most love their dogs. Most pay taxes. Most are not to blame for their condition.

     Now we’re not suggesting you sleep with one or share toothbrushes but at least allow them to breathe the air, smell the roses, wash their raggedy clothing in streams and rivers and live out their pathetic lives. A complete cure for leprosy, but not stupidity, is right around the corner.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

For a related news piece see “Lepers Banned from Local Streams Until Fall” on Page 49

“We do not want to sell a foot of our land. That is the opinion of all. The Whites can come and take gold and then leave. We do not want them to build houses here.” – “Chief” Ouray

Cookie Tree “Treasure” Map Surfaces

(Ridgway) What appears to be a valid treasure map to the legendary Escalante Gold, reputed to be buried somewhere beneath the former Cookie Tree Ranch, has surfaced here according to local geologists. The former ranch, now cooling its heels under the Ridgway Reservoir, was flooded back in the late 70s as a water storage project for the lower reaches of the Uncompahgre Valley.

     The map, which was discovered during an excavation at Elk Meadows (some 12 miles away from the said lake, looks to be authentic according to unreliable sources high above Ridgway. Although it has faded over 235 years since the treasure was lost along what is known as the Spanish Trail, the map is readable despite extensive water marks and fraying caused by the seriously dry climate.

     Believed to have been drawn between October and November of 1776, the map could lead diggers to a fortune in gold, silver and Spanish coinage of high value. Most of the loot was stolen from various indigenous tribes in return for promised salvation. Historians, still out to lunch on the origin of the map have been slow to draw conclusions.

     It is now in the hands of the local police who say it will remain locked up until priorities can be established. Several families associated with the ranch have been contacted but as yet no one has come forward to claim anything. Police expect their share of quacks and schemers insisting the map is theirs or posing as heirs of a sort. Already rangers working at the reservoir have reported suspicious behavior and signs of forced entry on remote fence lines. They arrested one man who was “out fishing” with 400 pounds of dynamite stashed on his boat and detained another who was taking photos of military installations on the evaporating body of water.

     Already the news has created a domino affect in a land known for high stakes poker. Real people living here are accustomed to creative survival and the thought of glorious riches has them all giddy. Even newer residents who brought their money from other environs have been concocting secret plans, drenched in dreams of more, stunned by fantasies of increased wealth.

     “What are we going to do…drain the reservoir and start digging?” asked Rory Silvers, who with a handful of former mining enthusiasts have been stockpiling earth moving equipment and fuel depots just north of Ouray. “If the mythical treasure exists and is under the former ranch/reservoir the authorities will have their hands full keeping people out.”

     Another miner went on to say that a retrieval operation might impact the valley beyond belief.

     “This could make Cherry Creek or Sutter’s Mill pale by comparison,” he spat. The search may last years and net nothing or, with laser and satellite technology at our disposal, we could see the treasure exhumed in moments. Other experts in the field questioned Markey’s tech references saying that dynamite and shovels would dictate the progress while drilling probes would be the order of the day.

     “This Silvers guy is dreaming,” said one retired mining engineer. “If there is treasure at the bottom of all this it is certainly irretrievable. After all of these centuries underground it is one with the earth, gone forever from the hands of man.”

     Many here compare the chances of finding the treasure to the chances of winning a state lottery which has been equated to being struck by lightning at the bottom of the ocean or stung by a bee from China. The numbers don’t lie but that doesn’t keep prospectors from eyeballing a claim. 

     Already the trappings of wealth have invaded the once pristine reservoir as permits have been secured to build several restaurants, a general store and a brothel lakeside. Sources tell us that there is not a shovel or pick to be had in Montrose and Delta Counties and that streams of miners from the West End can be seen making their way over Highway 90 “toward the big bonanza’.

     “We sure don’t want this map to fall into the wrong hands,” said one police officer, “which would pretty much include anyone and everyone who needs cash and can handle a shovel.”

     Meanwhile the elusive cache cries out for liberation. Although many have surmised on the content of the treasure none know for sure what awaits the finder. One group vying for position on the matter is the Timpanog Ute tribe who claim dominion since it was they who guided Escalante and Dominguez through the region in 1776.

     Fathers Escalante and Dominguez could not be reached for comment since the inconsiderate Escalante died in 1780 and baffling Dominguez in 1803.

– Uncle Pahgre

Surviving the Summer

Tips for insects

with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.

     Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.

     First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him. It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?

     There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us.  2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.

     From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.

     Some insects, like flies give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.

     In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient must insects leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s  with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet. 

Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: “Accelerated growth in spring –

watching them die in the fall.” Don’t miss it!

IN A NUTSHELL:

Humans are methodically attempting to get rid of us. Millions are spent on research (see above), chemical weapons and repellents. Attention to detail and familiarity with the tools of thine enemy can make all the difference this summer. 

Western to host winter semester in Mexico

(Gunnison) In what comes as quite a relief to some, Western State University today announced that it would conduct all business, scholastic and otherwise from Guadalajara, Mexico this winter. This means that all undergraduate students, signed up for the regular academic year will be taking classes in a semi-tropical environment rather than in the normal confines of sub-zero weather. 

     The plan, an out-the-door bit of marketing concept credited to a local middle school marketing class. Enrollment up 40% since the announcement of the academic relocation. In addition to their studies students will visit beaches, mountains, ruins and Mexico’s legitimate tequila bottling plants nearby the city of 7 million. Spanish majors will be given preference in housing while others will undergo a crash course in the language this fall. Most will live in cobertizos, designed to look like student/livestock  housing sheds back in Gunnison, so as to give the kids a sense of familiarity with their new surroundings. More than 3000 trailers could be hauled in but they won’t.

     “The program is a lot like Crested Butte’s Free Ski promotion except that it has nothing to do with skiing and isn’t free,” said one excited sophomore who hopes to study Mariachi music, an art form originating in Guadalajara, and go on to marry Alejandro Gardel, a famous Mexican soap opera star.

     Critics of the program point to economic hardships caused by the restructuring both here and within the families of WSC students. In addition they insist that ski season will be missed.

     “We have already canceled winter break with the second (winter) semester beginning the Monday following Thanksgiving,” said an administrator of some regard.”They’ll all be back by March if the buses hold up.”

– Signelle de Bushe

Farmers Market Busted in Human Trafficking Sting

(Montrose) A local farmer’s market has been put on probation after evidence of human trafficking was discovered over the weekend. According to a preliminary police report, the long respected agricultural peddlers have been selling actual farmers (as the name certainly suggests) right along with the parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.

     Although no one has come forward to verify these accusations it appears clear that some monkey business has been going on. Undercover agents attempting to buy tomatoes this morning were allegedly asked “You wanna squeeze something a bit more substantial?” and “Spend another $50 and we’ll throw in Old MacDonald too.”

     One scandalized resident said she was stunned by the disclosures.

     “See,” she glared, “it starts with the organic communist crap and gets worse and worse. It’s all that Woody Guthrie’s fault for writing songs to the sharecroppers. Gave ’em notions. As if peaches, apples and celery weren’t enough…”

     Insiders say the market brought $2000 for the younger farmers and as little as $35 for the elderly, despite their uncanny experience and willingness to work in the sun for 16-hour days.

     “That’s a pretty good price,” said one bean counter, “if one can simply get over the moral implications of kidnapping, forced labor and false imprisonment we’d be home free. Many of us still believe that it is never right to hold people against their will even if the melons are ripe.”

     Aristocrats behind the attempts to intertwine dependency into the fabric of agriculture say the arrangement is temporary at any level and definitely at the experimental stage. 

     Another man told us that the whole thing is just another attempt to horse-collar private enterprise.

     “What’s all this atwitter about?” he scowled. “It’s been going on over in Utah for decades.”                     – Jiminy Crow

Bronco Line to answer questions in Canadian

(Denver) In response to a league ruling ordering them to speak to reporters, no matter how beef-witted the questions, the newly rebuilt Denver Bronco offensive line will converse publicly in Canadian throughout the 2023-2024 season. In a departure from past years, when Bronco lineman chose to glare at sportswriters in lieu of even the slightest response the entente is seen as an attempt to placate the NFL without selling out.

     Athletes all over the league have been threatened with fines if they do not comply with league assertions and cooperate fully with the talking heads, who represent the first wave of media dollars targeting franchise owners.

     Several Colorado Avalanche players have been pressed into service tutoring the linemen as to the proper vernacular of the Canadian tongue.

     “We beat the hell out of each other out on the ice,” said one Avalanche wingman who demanded animosity, “but if one of us so much as brushes a ref it’s two minutes in the penalty box. I think if the sportswriters were a little more knowledgeable and a little less robotic and opinionated this whole matter never would have come up. Why should professional athletes been coerced into talking to with these parrots? Isn’t there enough noise on the planet already?”

– Rocky Flats

Novel written without verbs

(Ouray) A newly released thriller by Melvin B. Toole may be, as critics say, slow and inconceivable, but it is certainly original, at least in format. “Cherub Bait”, (Testosterone Brothers Publishing) is the first novel to be completed without one, single verb in the text.

     The task, which took the first-time writer over 30 years to complete, grew out of an obsession with tranquillity and motionless embraced while orbiting in outer space in 1973. Back then, when there were more manned spacecraft than cell phones, a person could go weeks engaged in subtle bliss and days without moving at all.

     Cherub Bait, sometimes forcefully always  in a mellifluous air, defends “the ambivalent lard asses of our time” repeatedly calling them the “knights of indolence” while laughing at modern day man caught up in his rush to get ahead.

     “There is not much action,” said one critic, but the posture is eloquent in its own clearly disturbed way. To call it sluggish would be an insult to the entire slimy genus of terrestrial gastropod mollusks.

– Alfalfana Romero

Not so fast there Saint Whosit:

with Rev Phillip Pharisee 

former WWF champion turned man of the cloth

Sometimes our sacred concept of forgiveness a little more involved…a little more give, and less take. It’s like cheating at golf – the cheater loses before the first ball drops into the cup…instant karma strikes again! The self-canonized goes down in flames….You can sin but you can’t hide. 

We have heard yearnings of late as to the many Biblical cherry pickers screened/detained at the Pearlies. Apparently they must show proof that they indeed have a soul. A lack of compassion while on earth could net a long wait in Purgatory until your case can be reviewed.

Earth’s relentless spinning is blamed for social disorder and Strife. The human predicament. We suffer from a subconscious desire to remain stupid even though the options to upgrade the intellectual experience are close at hand. Looks like we’re in for another bumpy ride. 

Everyday, it seems someone new is asking me: Rev Phil if I paint the church will I automatically go to heaven when I die? The answer is a great big “Yes!” but don’t forget to tithe as well to make sure all the palms are greased on the way up the stairway. While bigwigs like Peter and Paul don’t expect a tip many of the underling angels and even some of the minor saints rely on gratuities to get by. Who knows, one might end up living in close proximity to some of these celestial glad-handers and eternity is a long time to harbor petty resentments.

And in a related announcement: Good news for armies and preachers: US schools post lowest reading and math scores in decades. Why dwell on the negative. Don’t worry – you are the chosen ones. Everything is fine.

Next Sunday:

“What do animals in the zoo think about all day?”