Author Archive for M. Toole
Olathe Celebrates Hay Pride Week
Despite threats of a blowback boycott on sweet corn and yellow onions next fall, the town of Olathe is going ahead with a scheduled Hay Pride Week it was announced today. Hay from all over North America will be displayed as the town rolls out the red carpet for the tenth time in eleven years.
“The only year we missed was 1985 when Ronald Reagan sent our entire crop to the Russians for pancake mix,” said one hayseed and Hay Pride advocate. “In exchange we got subsidized and ended up with a couple hundred cases of Russian vodka. Now them’s some corn squeezins to be sure,” he coughed. “That kept the whole town toasted for most of the winter.”
Although no schedule has been released, the event will feature bale tossing, wagon races, a pancake supper and a special appearance by Helen or Gabby Hayes impersonators. As darkness falls a free hayride will be offered for kids under 90 and several local residents will be inducted into the Irrigator’s Hall of Fame located over at Pea Green.
The celebration will then continue through the next day with yet another pancake feast (this one with sausages) and a noon concert by Hazel and the Haymakers all the way from Delta. The festivities will then culminate with a candlelight parade through local haystacks in which VIP participants again consume vast quantities of pancakes and wash them down with (aforementioned) chilled Russian vodka.
Federal agents will attend to see that no illegal herbage is mixed in with the grass, clover and alfalfa common to the local fodder.
-H.L. Menoken
Ice Park Summer Closure to Continue
(Ouray) The whirled famous Ouray Ice Park will remain shut down despite earlier efforts to keep things froze up for summer tourists. Warmer weather and a lack of precipitation are blamed for the suspension of activities at the facilit according to unreliable sources operating in town.
“They can still buy the videos all summer, or wander up the path and look at Box Canyon Falls, the semi-historic bridge and the state barn,” said Holmes Sherlock, coordinator of the ice park and highly sought botanist who is currently employed as a wall flower for the city. “We tried to keep the place going but it was just too much work without any ice. It doesn’t much matter if we’re talking Fahrenheit or Celsius. It’s all the same can of worms. People think it’s easy running an outfit like this but I’m here to tell you that it ain’t. We’re just as disappointed as the next guy,” he winced. Yes, we’ve been forced to see it as just a winter thing after all.”
Digital refrigeration experts say ice park personnel did a fantastic job of keeping the place open through April with an intricate system of fans and daily purchases of ice from local liquor store, but that budget constraints and limited federal funding axed that procedure in May. Then, despite high water and cutting edge equipment junkies on the scene, the wheels fell off, boncing to the bottom.
“I got to work one morning and all there was left of the ice park was water, wildflowers and exposed rock,” said Sherlock. “I was forced, despite my better judgment, to shut her down and make room for the flocks of pygmy hummingbirds that call these cliffs their home.”
Sherlock told The Horseshoe that he hoped to open the park back up sometime prior to Thanksgiving, if Mother Nature cooperates. Persons wishing to contribute to the ice park fund or the pygmy hummingbird rescue are encouraged to do so by pinning currency to the god tree, located just inside the park.
– Warren of Wexley
Former President’s Light Bill Still Up in Air
Current resident, Congressional co-signers,
refuse to pay Trump Electric Bill
(Washington) Traditional guaranteers said they would not cough up money to cover electric bills at the White House from 2017 – 2021 according to a report in this month’s Vacant Lot Magazine.
Brothers and Sisters Electric Co-op is reportedly still trying to collect from back during Trump White House years.
“He says he never signed anything and that he was still under Obama’ s Plan,” said a coop source. “Something about sub-leasing. Now we know. He owes us and who knows how many others.”
Obama who denies any such action adding that it “is not generally regarded as solid business practice to extend credit and especially grace periods to sociopaths.”
Due to horrid credit dealings Trump had been required to obtain co-signers so as to secure the monthly power service. The fact that he was President of the uNited States at the time makes the arrangement that much more uncomfortable, and embarrassing for major players.
Appeals to the local water provider, contested lawn service concerns, suits over parking fines and fast food debts have been a concern to fiscal watchdogs since Trump left the White House.
“It sets a bad precedent to say the least,” said Jeanet Janette, acting Treasury Czar. “If people see our elected officials acting irresponsibly or even criminally, they’ll fall behind and be castigated by plastic debt too.”
In similar wheel spinning Congress has voted unanimously to put future debt payments on its American Express Card ——benefits convenience, credit recording, premiums often earned and the minimum payment due next month. After an eleventh-hour masterpiece in fiscal denial the two parties agreed to a bi-partisan settlement and went out to breakfast
“All violent crimes are hate crimes, no? – Why categorize?”
– Oswald Remington Jr.
Cattle Truck Tours in Hot Water Again
(Ouray) A local company offering “authentic cattle truck tours” of the Uncompahgre Valley has been called onto the carpet again this year due to what civic leaders are calling fraud, misrepresentation and bad taste.
A throng of detractors from both the public and private sector say Melvin’s Cattle Tours Ltd. has breached the thin line between what is entertaining and what is deplorable.
“This is the prototype of bad tourism,” said a chamber source. “It’s not in keeping with the image that we are trying so very hard to project for the summer season.”
Unconfirmed insiders went on to suggest that the operation, owned by unidentified residents in Elk Meadows, creates an extremely bad precedence, ridicules the cattle industry and demeans innocent tourists out for some good clean, albeit expensive, fun. A mounting contingent of critics say hauling tourists around the mountains inside a cattle truck is unsavory enough on its own, but when coupled with the poor driving and bad judgment, common to the rogue accompanyment of a derelict staff of reckless drivers, the sojourn becomes downright dangerous.
Stopping short of banning what Toole calls “See The Mountains Like the Cows See Them”, the concerned citizens say they hope the proprietor will quit his bovine adventures voluntarily, adopting a more civilized method of making a living.
“Maybe he could arrange jeep tours, offer sky diving or open an art gallery,” said one county commissar. “We can never have enough beauty parlors.”
Following a plethora of 2022 complaints relating to the condition of the cattle trucks and the bullying of passengers by drivers, the city has considered pulling Toole’s license. Last year hordes of angry visitors, feeling gouged by the $150 hourly fee, formed a constant parade through both the chamber and the mayor’s office.
When contacted at his international headquarters (nothing more than a henway corrugated bindle shift sans pinchbeck depository) Toole said he didn’t care if the authorities pulled his license since he never really wanted the thing in the first place.
“I can just get me another one of those licenses up in Silverton for about ten bucks,” he blasted. “Now there’s a town that’s commerce friendly. This is America!” he raved on, “or at least it used to be. I will not be intimidated by this bureaucratic schlock, no sireeee. When the tourists hit I’ll be a-waitin’. Hell, I might even arrange to pick some of them up when they arrive at the airport.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Aliens Must Make Reservations
(Mars) Extraterrestrials wishing to visit the planet earth during peak summer months must make reservations at least two months in advance so as to secure transport and accommodation, according to experts in the travel industry. Due to the rising popularity of earth as a destination resort for many space creatures, seats are at a premium and agendas must be adjusted to handle the impact, especially in July and August.
“The average cost of two weeks in the mountains or at the ocean has risen sharply along with the development of sophisticated spacecraft and more leisure time throughout the galaxy,” explained Okra Sinfree, well-known host of a syndicated travel program on television. “Beings living on some of the wealthy, more progressive stars get five weeks paid vacation per year while workers on Stellar 17 and the well-heeled Epicurean Constellation can chalk up more than two months leave after just one year of servitude.”
Aliens are said to prefer travel to the United States due to a well-documented romance with the cowboy and Indians culture, an obsession with minor league baseball and a love for the wide open spaces. Even with higher costs and the strength of the dollar many prefer the US to Europe in the summer months.
Intergalactic currency measures up well against both the dollar and the euro and, since most aliens seek access to the highlights of the planet they may spend one day in Venice and the next in the Grand Canyon. Perennial favorites like the Eiffel Tower and Disneyland remain big favorites with families whole New York and Paris stand alone in overall popularity.
“Increased access to earth has created a flood of visitors but has severely taxed the infrastructure with car rental agencies, hotels and restaurants mobbed and airports in a constant state of chaos,” said the travel source. “Fortunately most of our visitors from other planets celebrate the weekend over Tuesday and Wednesday or we’d never be able to absorb the increase in traffic.”
Residents of earth have been asked to stay clear of high congestion areas and avoid driving in sensitive regions this summer so as to properly welcome the interplanetary tourists, who spend an estimated 4 billion dollars each summer in Colorado alone. A spokesman for the Department of Homeland Scrutiny said that although most of these visitors resent having to remove their shoes at security gates all is going well.
“We’ve had a few confrontations with a few drunken Klingons on their way to Mexico but for the most part everyone has been quite cooperative,” said the travel industry spokesperson. “All those scary movies about the invasion and subjugation of earth by outside forces with lasers and rocket ships seems to be on the back burner these days. Body snatching and biological experiments have been replaced with tour buses and souvenir hunters. We expect that most earthlings will welcome this new breed of tourist even though they do look pretty funny in Bermudas and knee socks.”
– Fred Zeppelin
A Question of Mental Health
(The scene is the entryway of an ubiquitous mental health facility somewhere in Western Colorado. It is just after lunch and most of the patients are engaged in therapeutic siesta which could last well into medication hour and/or dinner.)
21st Century Man: Pardon me, but I’d like to inquire about admission.
Nurse Thorazine: Sorry, we’re full. Go away.
21st Century Man: But I’m nuts.
Nurse Thorazeen: Can you prove it?
21st Man: Well, I’m out of control most of the time. I just pulled in the reins to make it down here. I could go off at any moment.
Nurse: That’s what they all say.
21st Man: OK. You win. I’ll prove it. Watch this…
(The 21st Century Man proceeds to eat all of the #2 pencils carefully arranged on the admittance desk then begins banging his head on the reception counter…harder and harder with each repetition.)
Nurse: All right! All right…that’s just about enough of that shameful display. You’ll wake up the clients. Just because you eat a few pencils and bang your head on the desk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re crazy.
21st Man: Well then, tell me, what does then?
Nurse: A history of mental illness would be nice. Have you ever been under psychiatric care?
21st Man: Not that I can recall. Wait, I did talk to a school counselor once, about twenty-five years ago.
Nurse: Can you document it?
21st: I doubt whether anyone keeps records that far back.
Nurse: Hmmmm. I’d like to help you but rules are rules and it’s about time for this meeting to end. You must have the proper credentials or we can’t admit you. Do you have any idea how many people come in here everyday claiming to be nuts?
21st: But I am really nuts!
Nurse: Now there’s no reason to raise our voice. You think you are special?
21st: Didn’t you ever see Catch 22 where the hero cannot convince the battalion shrink that he’s crazy enough for a section 8 after uncountable bombing missions, just because he is sane enough to seek one?
Nurse: He probably failed to produce the required paperwork.
21st: Where would I get that…the proper paperwork.
Nurse: We have doctors here that can perform an initial diagnosis, but they are all quite busy right now. If you insist on pursuing this why not take a seat. You’ll find a wide array of medications in the ash trays because, of course, this is a non-smoking facility. Do you smoke?
21st: No
Nurse: Do you have insurance.
21st: Yes, I pay over $750 per month but it doesn’t cover mental health.
Nurse: It’s up to you. I have to get back to work.
21st: Oh well, I guess I’ll wait for the initial diagnosis. I’ll be just as crazy in an hour as I am right now.
CONTINUED NEXT MONTH
