Author Archive for M. Toole

Mosquito Luncheon Planned for Grand Mesa

(Ward Lake) An annual luncheon, sponsored by the Colorado Mosquito Legions, will be held Saturday, July 25 from 10 am to 3 pm on Grand Mesa. Mosquitos from all over the state are expected to be in attendance. Following a brief welcome picnic a host of parasitic field games will be held in the afternoon with a showing of the film Count Dracula in the evening under the stars. According to one organizer the luncheon will most likely stretch into the dinner hour with lots of buzzing and munching going on. Out-of-state mosquitos needing directions or transportation should call the CML by July 1. Interested humans are encouraged to attend and need not bring anything but themselves.

Congress Pledges to Fight Cannibalism in Chambers

(Warshington) Lawmakers on both sides of the political football have pledged to confront the growing problem of cannibalism in the House and Senate. In a joint statement both Democrats and Republicans called for an end to the primitive ritual which has plagued the governing bodies since the 2024 elections.

     “We cannot conduct business in the shadow of this menace,” said one Republican who accused Democrats of head hunting and bad table manners. “This time these liberals have bitten off more than they can chew.”

     Watchdog groups here have investigated over 40 cases of alleged cannibalism in the past two months. Despite ridiculous pensions, royal health care and bribes from lobbyists these elected officials appear to be hungry for more.

     “This was never a problem until the evangelicals and the Tea Party people took their seats,” said a high-ranking Democrat who claims that Congressional cannibalism can no longer be hidden from the American people.

     “Cannibalism has no place in a clean, well operated and transparent government and it won’t fly in these chambers either,” added the high Democrat.

     Cannibalism, which is not mentioned in the Constitution, the Bill of Rights or the New Testament has been defined as the willful consumption of one’s fellow species. It is seen as a power play by those who would break bread with the devil himself to further their selfish agendas.

     “We have a morality problem in the Congress,” said one monitoring source. “There is none.       

– Fred Zeppelin

Incompetent fascists on parade

The Trump administration hasn’t accomplished any of its war aims. The Iranian regime is intact, perhaps even more hard-line than before the war now that the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps appears to exert greater control. There has been no unconditional surrender; Iran still possesses substantial stocks of highly enriched uranium; it still possesses a formidable missile arsenal; and it still supports terrorist proxies that wage war against Israel.

Kissing Booth to Benefit Local Pound

(Manana) Proceeds from the popular kissing booth at the Eunuch County Fair will be donated to the local canine detention center according to Muriel Etchabarron, a large, rather aggressive woman who wanted to get her name in this story

     In its fifth year, the booth has raised at least $100 for various local charities.

     Standing next to a sign that proclaims: Pucker Up! But keep your paws in your pockets”, Etchabarron says the booth, and the kissing business in general has had its ups and downs over the 38 years that she’s been at it. She recalls smoochers galore some nights, but one night when they went eight hours straight without taking in a dime.

     “That was terribly embarrassing especially with the destroyer docked so close by and all those frisky sailors about. We may not be Vogue covers,” she smiled, “but we know how to plant one.

     “That was the first year we gave our profits to the dog people over in Wimpton, the actual county seat and service hub for the entire Discomfort Valley,” she said.

     Recently released paperwork suggests that every kiss feeds three dogs or six puppies. Two kisses can feed a cat for a week. Caretakers require more sustenance but experts say they can be provender satisfied for about six wet kisses. The booth is open ten hours per day except Sundays. The rest of he equation is dependent on the cost of kibble and on the number of pets cooling their heels at the facility.

     One local jokester suggested that the kissing booth cast switch with the residents of the shelter with the animals taking on the role of kisser.

     “The way I see it,” said Zelmo Pawns of Molar Pastures, “what we have now is a clear case of the tail wagging the dog. A change of personnel at the point of contact might shake things up. Besides,” he rambled. Who can resist the allure of a warm puppy?”

– Dag Katz

Comic Pages Good For Mental Health

(Gotham City) According to a new federal study the daily digestion of the comix leads to a happier, better adjusted human being. Of over 6,000 daily newspaper readers surveyed 45% said they read the comic pages daily. 28% said they read them first. Of that group, only three people complained of depression or said they felt displaced or disenfranchised from society.

     “After digesting the front page and the editorials many people need to lighten up,” said one researcher, “and that’s where the comics page comes in. Completing the crossword puzzle, reading the horoscope, even consuming the sports pages don’t seem to offer the inner peace found in the comic strips.”

     For decades the feds have tried to manipulate the comics by sneaking propaganda and government agendas onto these pages. The attempt has failed however since federal agencies often lack a basic sense of humor.

     “Veteran comic page readers see through all the hype,” said the source. “They’re looking for simplicity and escape. The diversity of humor found in the strips offers something for every interest and mental capacity.”

     Experts liken reading the comics to soaking one’s bunions in a hot pail of water or day dreaming. Some even consider the behavior to have therapeutic value since it is not intellectually threatening. They compare the practice to meditation or prayer.

     “The comics offer a secure format with familiar characters who are usually predictable,” according to a 34,000-page report released this week. “Regular readers relate to the characters and their predicaments, often resolved in a few frames. Perusers of the funny pages gain tranquil entertainment value without the noise and control of television or the demands of more serious reading.”

     The study also implied that many people can’t tell the difference between the comics and the regular news, especially TV news which is not generally meant to be comedy or even amusing.

     “Television is already so stupid that it doesn’t need comic relief,” continued the report which adds that boob tube addicts are one of the pathetic groups on the planet.

     The cost of the study was just over $6.5 million.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Lack of Eligible Ladies Drives Bachelors to Despair

(Ouray) The overabundance of males in the San Juan Region has driven many to the slums of the cities in search of a mate and a more affectionate future. Already the rings of poverty around urban centers have grown faster than the cities themselves, creating a nightmare for police and social services. The chronic problem becomes epidemic during winter months when distractions are fewer, outdoor activities are somewhat limited and men are forced to sit around the fire contemplating their tragic status.

     “The big lie that manifests itself here is that opportunities for romance are burgeoning in large population areas,” said Herb Valentine, who runs a half-way house for recovering male romantics on Red Mountain. “Almost to a man they arrive in the city to find nothing but the same. Soon they are sucked into the dredged society and often turn to crime to avert starvation.”

     Addictions to such plentiful drugs as Laudanum (Ronald Reagan’s drug of choice) and cheap alcohol are rampant and especially destructive in the younger population, many of them still virgins. Falling smack into the lap of poverty, these new arrivals have nothing between them and a certain, lonely demise.

     “It’s sadder than the mug on Bernie Sanders  during fantasy budget negotiations with Donald Trump,” said Valentine.

     Overtures are already in motion urging large groups of eligible flatlander females to take their vacations in Western Colorado en masse, especially in the winter. Some more aggressive hopefuls are even calling for the complete relocation of women so as to attain their lofty goals.

     A complicated rating system that couples males and females has been scrapped in favor of simpler Friday night dances, hay rides and gala Sunday brunch festivities designed to create dialogue and potential matchmaking. Critics of these moves say males must be eligible too or the system will cave in under it’s own weight.

     “Eligible is a relative term on a cold winter night,” said Valentine, “at least for these boys.”

     Women seeking to pursue this line of reasoning should send photos and information to Social Director, Ouray Mountain Rescue Flowers and Gifts, Old Maid Mine, Colorado.

– Uncle Pahgre