Author Archive for M. Toole
Gulf of Mexico Satirists Meet
Disenfranchised satirists, some carrying picts and farm implements, are said to be meeting at secret locations-primed for the coming jousts all over the planet. Gut feelings of many contend that the storm is not just on the horizon but way over the rainbow.
News twisters and union mockers reacted to the rumors that oil has been discovered on Mars and water on the Earth’s only moon with only slight smiles and sighs as if to say “Please. Not again.”
An emerging aw suit against what they call the American Taliban claims deprivation of livelihood, mental stress and hair loss. The satirists say Congressional Republicans and the White House have seized the parody baton and kept them from plying their trade.
“How do I get anyone to be astonished, to ponder, or even to giggle after they’ve seen posters of trump plastered all over the place?” said one lampooner who has taken to his bed and watches Humphrey Bogart films in an attempt to regain his composure.
“These people are more absurd than we could ever make them in words or gestures. It would be funny if they weren’t in charge of the gov’ment.”
“It is difficult to make fun of people who are already head over heels, the classic clowns of the town. When incompetence, arrogance and greed are the rules of thumb, there is no wiggle room for the index finger or even an innocent pinkie,” said Professor B. Esteric Peawit BMI, ASCAP, BFD. LSMFT, of the Good Enough Gulch Peawits, and Visiting Fellow at Stinking Desert Middle School and Accelerated Graduation Institute.*
“Reagan was fun even, in dementia. Clinton was even better with his perverted taste in women. George W was a riot waiting to happen while Obama offered up an easy target. Even Joe Biden (the Gerald Ford of the Modern Age) allowed satirists and late night hosts enough leeway to laugh up one’s sleeve. In the interim, trump can’t take a joke and his followers miss the opportunity to digest the irony inherent to exaggerated critique or ridicule. Teasing is out. Kissing ass is in.”
“Yeh, that too,” chimed the first lampooner.
Consider these presidential satire bullseyes:
Richard Nixon’s jaw and pointed nose
Gerald Ford’s golfball assaults on others at Vail
Jimmy Carter’s toothy smile and his brother Billy
Reagan’s pompadour, jelly beans and Nancy
George senior Bush’s CIA whine and his son Neil
Bill Clinton’s taste in White House aides
Little George’s difficulty with the English language. “Nucular”
Obama’s White House basketball court
Joe Biden’s German Shepherds
Donald trump’s orange hair, fouled family, greed and racism.
*Professor Peawit was recently dismissed from her position as head of the Body Chemistry and Hand Anatomy Department after the school’s night janitor repeatedly discovered her sleeping in her locker in the teacher’s lounge.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
“If you were wondering how bad these Epstein files are, turns out they’re ‘invade Venezuela’ bad.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
Vaqueros deben registrar sus caballos
(Jardin, Antioquia) Los vaqueros locales de la Region Zen tienen hasta el 31 de enero para registrar sus monturas o se enfrentarán a severas sanciones. Según una ordenanza recientemente aprobada, esto afecta a todas las razas, incluyendo burros y mulas, pero no a burros ni asnos.
Actualmente, las ovejas, cabras, vacas y aves de corral no se ven afectadas, a menos que 1) se utilicen para el control del rebaño, 2) participen en carreras, 3) presenten comportamientos relacionados con la fiebre aftosa o la enfermedad de las vacas locas. Los líderes locales afirman que necesitan determinar cuántos caballos viven en la zona, mientras que los críticos califican la medida de “una lenta adaptación del censo”.
De cualquier manera, la ley es la ley y se exige su cumplimiento o los animales serán confiscados y enviados a ranchos turísticos. Los dueños de caballos pueden registrarlos en el juzgado de su condado, en una tienda de alimentos local o en el estacionamiento de Walmart. El procedimiento es muy similar al de registrar un coche: uno simplemente hace fila, extiende un cheque y se va a casa con un papelito sin sentido. Las tasas (impuestos) se determinan, al igual que los vehículos, según la edad del caballo.
Un caballo de espalda hundida de 20 años costará mucho menos que un semental o una yegua de cría de dos años. Los caballos cuarto de milla (compactos) costarán aproximadamente el 80% de las tasas de propiedad de un purasangre o un árabe que consume mucha heno. Los caballos Appaloosa y Pintos se cobrarán según su composición, peso y capacidad de combustible.
Quienes deseen aprovechar el controvertido descuento para caballos castrados deben enviar sus solicitudes por correo a Horse Flesh Tax, Departamento de Bocados y Arneses, 26 Hackamore Lane, Cimarron Beach, Colorado.
“Sabemos que registrar un caballo puede parecer engorroso al principio”, dijo Muriel Mange, de la recién creada agencia tributaria, “pero se ha convertido en una parte necesaria de la vida rural. Después de todo, ¿cómo podemos emitir licencias si los caballos no están registrados?” Mange, quien nunca ha montado a caballo y prefiere los perros pequeños y los peces tropicales, dice que su departamento no descansará hasta que todos los caballos estén registrados.
“No hacemos excepciones”, espetó. “Si tuviera la oportunidad, registraría a Pegasus. Para más información, visítenos en la web: www.wrongheadedgov’mentpolicies.com“.
All in one bitter pill to swallow
In our frustrated and often impossible attempts to avoid giving attention to bad children, we have clumped together an offscouring of observations about the man who would be king. We promise to limit mention of this situation for at least the week.
tRUMP SOUL SNATCHERS BUSY TRYING TO OUT-PIG* EACH OTHER
(Whiteyville) trump policies are flat out empty, like hollow bottles of Jim Beam at the dump. His constant lies, which kill innocent people in “shit holes” all over the world are a fine blend of arrogance, racism and incompetence. He has surrounded himself with sadists and psychopaths who have not a clue. His policies are dictated by the last person who held his attention. How long before these victims and their families forgive the US? Decades? Maybe if we just send them some cash they’ll shut up.
SICK OF SEEING HEADLINES THAT START WITH tRUMP
From now on we will refer to the President as Humpty as in Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…”Also we will use small t when referring to any bloated narcissists and autocratic child molesters that are mentioned in these dispatches. Most fascist regimes love to use the magic word terrorist to condone and justify violence against anyone who gets in their way. trump’s friends, the illegitimate Israeli settlers on West Bank are the real terrorists. How can Israelis dwell on victimhood and kill other Semitic peoples so indiscriminately? (Oh sorry to bust lingering bubbles but Palestinians are Semitic, as was Jesus Christ, albeit of the Jewish variety. He never demolished the houses of his neighbors, even them Hummus type sons-a-bitches).
trump Security Advisor Steven “America for Americans” Miller
is in fact the spawn of Eastern European Jews, yet he detests immigrants. It all began at the turn of the 20th century, in a dirt-floor shack in the village of Antopol, a shtetl of subsistence farmers in what is now Belarus. Beset by violent anti-Jewish pogroms and forced childhood conscription in the Czar’s army, the patriarch of the shack, Wolf-Leib Glosser, fled a village where his forebears had lived for centuries and took his chances in America. (After several generation little Steven popped out.
Pro wrestling bouts on the way at trump-Kennedy? To replace sissy art say MAGA toadies
Empty seats are like an empty promises. Many artists plan to continue the boycott. Will they end up in El Salvadoran prisons too?
tRUMP IS AGENT ORANGE SAYS RUSSIAN DEFECTOR
“Just color your hair and you too can inherit millions from the father who never said,” I love you Donald”
Some of you remember Hair, the musical wizardry weaving of every last crumb and nuance of the hippie subculture of the 60s? In 2026 we have a 5th Columnist President with orange hair who thinks he too is a genius (see dunning-kruger effect). Remember: Many Italian voters loved Mussolini at first until the things went to hell in a Sicilian donkey cart.Is trump hobbling the nation in preparation for hostile takeover. A 5th Columnist? The Manchurian Candidate? A billionaire Bolshevik yet to come out of the closet? Question:Was the US safer and better equipped to deal with global diplomacy, even with Joe Biden asleep at the wheel, than with a beached whale at the helm?
Tom Homan’s Christmas Special will grace new w-house ballroom in Spring.
Popular tunes include “How to slither and take a bribe on camera and still keep your job”, “Why him not in the calaboose?” And “I may be ugly but I just deposited $50,000”
“Though I tend to think it’s usually a waste of space to devote a column to President Trump’s personality — what more is there to say about the character of this petty, hollow, squalid, overstuffed man? — sometimes the point bears stressing: We are led by the most loathsome human being ever to occupy the White House.”
-Bret Stephens, an American conservative columnist.writing in The NY Times
*(Ed note: Out-pig accepted by Websters coincidently at the beginning trump’s second term in office. Replaces the word empathy. (What is a 5-letter word for the dominant suit in bridge/euchre or a showboat racist on 14 down on your winter crossword puzzle?).
For peripheral stories, and a bit of comic relief, please see 10 Ways to reinvent yourself as more Caucasian and Why senile white men really make the best leaders on our “Opinions are Like Noses” page.
FRUITCAKE TARDY, PAPER APOLOGIZES
(Ouray) The saga of the missing fruitcake goes on. It’s December and it’s still not here. Earlier today The San Juan Horseshoe made a formal apology to a hungry clientele anxiously awaiting the arrival of their sweet holiday delectables.
According to food editors, the shipment was misplaced somewhere between the cities of Istanbul and Athens, an area frequented by free lance highwaymen but not Islamic terrorists as was first feared.
“That was back in November,” said Melvin Toole, coordinator of the massive fruitcake landings. “We’re tired of answers, we want excuses!”
All told the fruitcake cargo, clearly marked with large block letters spelling out USA, weighs in at about 112 tons and had originally been shipped from Damascus on November 20. After a scheduled stopover in Cyprus, where it soaked in rum for three days due to Muslim laws against the use of spirits, it crossed a slight stretch of the Mediterranean Sea landing on the Turkish mainland at Anamur. From that spot the fruitcake joined a colossal caravan and headed overland arriving in Istanbul in late November.
“How could we lose that much of anything?” whined Toole. “The cargo was larger than many of the Greek Islands. At the present we are not discounting any possibility, including sabotage.”
Toole has been reminded that his banter might be offensive to the millions of Arabs that currently surround him in Turkey. He has softened his approach since that time, extending a pathetic plea for the safe return of the fruitcake.
“There are countless little children in the Free World awaiting the arrival of the heavy, spiced cake containing nuts and candied/dried fruit,” spouted Toole. “The hateful men who interrupted the shipment are nothing more than naughty.”
A response within the Syrian embassy here suggests that little children do not generally like fruitcake especially since someone once suggested that the treat may be good for them.
“Our operatives in the Mid East have no knowledge of the whereabouts of the cargo,” said diplomatic spokesperson Mohammed Tululah, of the Damascus Tululahs. “Maybe those horrible Kurds are building houses with the stuff!”
Unreliable sources in Greece say the shipment was most likely high-jacked near Gallipoli and taken to Bulgaria for distribution through the black market. Eyewitnesses say they observed long trains of camels, mules and llamas crossing the Greek frontier last week but thought nothing of it until the fruitcake cargo pulled up lame.
Toole, who has curbed his demands for a legendary Ninth Crusade “to free Asia Minor from the infidels”, told reporters Friday that unless the situation is resolved soon it could lead to all-out war by the new year.
Back in Colorado the Horseshoe staff continues to pace up and down the darkroom floor, obsessed with the missing fruitcake. On the heels of this frustration critics within the industry are accusing the paper of making the whole thing up to gain positive publicity.
“Publicity my eye,” quipped Toole. “We’re making it up to fill space. After 50 years of Santa, elves and reindeer you try to write yet another Christmas issue.”
For the past two decades the paper has presented more than 20,000 families with the often unwanted confection over the Yuletide.
“If the fruitcake is not rescued soon we will be forced to begin phase two of our Christmas plan…the distribution of 400,000 cases of canned yams. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that,” he frowned.
– Bastardo Vehemente
UNA PODEROSA RATA DE MANADA SALVA A UNA FAMILIA DE UTAH DEL INCENDIO
- (Ticaboo) A una poderosa rata de acopio, supuestamente sobrealimentada por la exposición constante a un repelente híbrido de plagas, se le atribuye haber salvado a una familia de Utah de un incendio devastador que destruyó su casa y granero anoche. El roedor nocturno, un entusiasta participante de la vida en comunidad, aparentemente descubrió el incendio en el sótano de una de las viviendas y alertó a la familia, que huyó antes de que las llamas llegaran al primer piso. “Definitivamente, la adrenalina estaba en juego”, dijo un agente local. Esta rata arrancó vigas de acero, atravesó un muro de contención desmoronado y masticó un agujero en el techo para aliviar los daños causados por el humo, todo mientras se escabullía bajo el humo y se asfixiaba. Tenemos fotos del sistema de seguridad de la estructura. Sé que suena estúpido, pero esa rata era una especie de fisicoculturista —frunció el ceño—. “No sabemos cómo este cariñoso rescate afectará la reputación de la odiada rata de manada en las zonas rurales”, añadió un bombero en el lugar. “Estos malditos roedores han tenido un problema de relaciones públicas desde la Peste y antes”. Se desconocía si la familia y la rata se conocían. -Suzie Compost
