Author Archive for M. Toole
DID SHAKESPEARE WRITE BEATLES SONGS?
(Pop-on-Thames) William Shakespeare penned all but a few of the popular Beatles songs according to two British ladies who claim to be the 15th Century playwrights’s direct descendants.
In what might represent history’s most unforgivable creative SNAFU, John Lennon and Paul McCarney have been credited with authorship of over 700 songs from 1962 – 1974, which well have been created by Shakespeare from 1619 – 1622.
“We have known for decades that Billy (Shakespeare) wrote Magical Mystery Tour while on holiday in Paris in 1620,” said Wilma (Shakespeare) Ostrich of the London Ostriches. “At first we couldn’t get anyone to listen to our story but with the aid of my cousin Stephanie (Shakespeare) Witheringhand of Cardiff, we have compiled mounds of data of earthshaking proportions. People may think those mopheads from Liverpool wrote all those pieces. Now we have strong evidence to the contrary.”
Two women, claiming to be direct descendents of playwrite William Shakespeare, are suing the Beatles for plagiarism, claiming their deceased relative wrote all of their songs.
Back in 1978 Wilma discovered an old roll-top desk chocked full of notes in the attic of a family boarding house near Dover. The place was known as a favorite haunt of the great Shakespeare who used it as a weekend retreat, especially during his later years, according to family sources. The words and scratchings found were signed in the familiar hand that accompanied Hamlet, King Lear and countless other Elizabethan plays and sonnets. Among the most pointed scraps of evidence was a tune entitled Lucio in the Sky with Diamonds which suggests that Shakespeare may have experimented with hallucinogenics. Another gripping note, dated early in 1618, bears strong reference to Romeo and Julia, a woman in one of the songs thought to be written by the Beatles in 1968.
Researchers from a host of London literary and musical institutes are convinced that the notes are authentic.
“Take She Came in Through the Bathroom Window, offered one glassy-eyed expert. “Even a novice student of Shakespeare must realize the Elizabethan obsession with trap doors, balconies and, yes, open windows. The song Within You Without You follows suit with the acknowledged preoccupation with ghosts, spirits and the occult,” he added.
Many other well-known Shakespearean characters have appeared in Beatle songs from the start according to the ladies.
“The connection from Bungalo Bill to Sir John Falstaff (The Merry Wives of Windsor) is painfully obvious,” said Wilma. “Dogberry (Much Ado About Nothing) is easily recognized as Rocky Raccoon while we can easily imagine Casio (Othello) as Maxwell on the White Album. The most remarkable connection may be Julius Caesar who is definitely The Walrus, she said.
“On the other side of the coin we see many references from the works of Shakespeare that seem very Beatlian in nature,” according to Professor Emeritus Dr. Efram Bacon Pennywhistle of the High British Opera Reserve, located in Liverpool.
“That thee may furnish, and my prayers pluck down, a rubber soul. Fall on thy head!” (Lafeu in All’s Well That Ends Well) is enough evidence for me, quipped Pennywhistle. “And what about the line: “and like the beetle creepest down to the lowest point waining like the peawitted journeyor homeward” (Little Anthony in Anthony and Cleopatra)?
Other scholars agree. One points out the presence of a Yellow Submarine in Anthony and Cleopatra with “so may mermaids tending here ‘I the eyes”. In The Merchant of Venice even the literary dolt can draw reference to A Little Help From My Friends and You Never Give me Your Money
“Songs from later albums reek of Shakespearean floweriness, especially those attributed to Paul McCartney,” added Pennywhistle. It’s simple. The songs make no sense at all, leading one to believe that Shakespeare had employed his satiric hand once again.”
Wilma chips I here: “Considering these coincidences I think we have a strong case. Just read Abbey Road backwards in your mirror or listen to I’m So Tired while reading MacBeth in Chinese and you’ll see our point.
The two descendants are now suing the surviving two Beatles for an estimated $2.6 billion in damages and lost revenue. The figure, according to attorneys, reflects almost 400 years of inflation.
Ringo Starr, drummer of the group, was located in a hot tub near Brighten last night. He told us that the whole thing as a crock.
“John and Paul wrote those songs. I know because I watched and listened every day while I banged away on the skins. Let them try to get into our pockets,” he smirked. “They are all a bunch of loonies with too much time on their hands. Besides,” he challenged, “who ever heard of an Elizabethan doing it in the road?”
– Oral Waters
SNOW ON THE PUMPKINS HOROSCOPE
by Kashmir Horseshoe, Zenith of the Zodiac
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Build a better mouse trap and someone more clever than you will jack up the price of cheese. Question reality. Listeners you wish to captivate will sit up and take notice just so long as you limit contact to the telephone. Personal appearances will backfire as people find you less than attractive through the 15th. Open a charge account at the county landfill. Oh, if only golden retrievers could vote…
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Avoid conversations with yourself regarding subject matter that is above your head. Friends may question your choice of breath mints in the late afternoon. Comprehension of cereal box literature is directly related to the individual appetite. Is your head half full or half empty? Remember: Severe skin disease isn’t for everyone. Face it: That bullet wound in the front of your head may require medical attention before the weekend. Spend quality time with a bottle of Russian vodka.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Don’t let fortuitous developments slip through your fingers. Wear mittens. Avoid aggressive exhibition of self control when dealing with underlings. Although you dress much like an adult the jury is still out when it comes to applied maturity levels on all fronts. The days are getting shorter and so is your attention span. Your planets are lined up at the soup kitchen. Visit a relative in jail this weekend.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
Your position as bread winner has become quite stale. Try tortillas. Sly manipulation is better than direct confrontation when it comes to house plants. Blaze orange clashes with blood-shot eyes. A willingness to compromise wins friends and allies. A willingness to purchase rounds of drinks keeps them in tow. If you are going to be a deadbeat, be the best darn deadbeat you can be. Pay all debts promptly or leave town a little more promptly. A day trip to the local zoo could help determine evasive family roots.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Spend time at the bottom of the tank in the afternoon. Fish smells like fish. Cattle smells like cattle. Avoid the surf and turf. Mrs. Paul has her one good eye on you. Keep your fins to yourself. Today is trash day and it is a good idea for you to keep on the move. Your bubbly attitude and fresh approach to menial tasks will cause fellow workers to vomit. If you cannot develop a bad attitude on your own, seek professional help. Your personal hygiene problems will not disappear at the car wash.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Today is a great time to get the cat a tattoo. Your culinary talents will emerge tonight with the arrival of a functional can opener to hunting camp. There is more to life than beans but not much more. Take only advice that is not nailed down. Do not rely on social workers who live in cardboard boxes. Hunting camp will be a gas about an hour after dinner is served. Stay upwind from yourself. When searching for personal faults, try an objective topo map. Wash your hands before and after exercising good judgment.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your conscience is in storage and the key is misplaced in your Third House. Sour grapes are in season. You may indeed possess a dull mind but then again you are good at keeping secrets. Deal with domestic disagreements at the other end of the bar.
A man with an extremely large nose wants to buy you a continental breakfast. A casual compliment could turn ugly by lunch. You may find personal growth an evasive issue. Try dwelling on negative attributes while waiting for the traffic light to change. October is a bad month to jump out of airplanes, especially if they are still on the ground.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Suspenders can be handy in keeping your pants up but a good belt of scotch is easier to manipulate in a tight situation. Charm school can be expensive but don’t hold out for a scholarship. Perceived wisdom has shorted out what is left of your tiny brain. Red is your color and intimidation is your game but keep an industrial size bottle of smelling salts handy in case a lucky sucker punch hits home. No matter what the situation be sure to stay on the turnip cart. Pets may find it difficult to adjust to your new wallpaper through the end of the month.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You are far too insensitive to take feelings to heart, far too egotistical to take it on the chin and far too closed minded to lend an ear. Get a leg up on life and keep adversaries at an arm’s length. Sticking your neck out will not distract the hangman. The concept of renting your house to transient dog handlers will result in a mess even bigger than life. Take heart as your bowling handicap is higher than your IQ. It’s October. Do you know where your ozone is tonight? Helplessness is not an end in itself but could be the beginning of someone else’s problem.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Your nasal passages may be closed for the weekend. Try using chains. Do something nice for local livestock. Don’t allow tedious good judgment to interfere with impulsive desires. Complete all hangovers. Patience is the key. Tinker. The best day for romance was about a month or two ago. You may be ticketed for passing a kidney stone on a dangerous curve. Avoid getting up on the wrong side of the bed by not getting up at all. Get everything in writing even if you cannot read. Put the heavy loads of your life on the gentle cycle.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Your innate ability to amuse freshwater fish may be a major asset in the backwaters of rural America, but don’t try the same approach when dealing with urban sharks. Don’t confuse seasonal and spicy. Your Halloween costume will be a big hit with pigeons. Self improvement may be out of the question until summer, so enjoy your lot while you can. Quit your job over the phone. It’s the thing to do. Vote the cosmic ticket this fall. Beware of whiskered men in plaid shirts and lavish dinners in Styrofoam containers. Things will only get better when you do.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
Although you generally say the right thing, it is often to the wrong person. Invisible is sometimes better than invincible especially when dealing with the authorities. Business dealings will be successful if you stick to negotiations with people more naive than you. This will indeed limit the scope of activity but could put money in your pocket. Avoid delegating responsibilities since no one is listening to you anyway.
IF YOU WERE BORN A DEER, ELKOR ANTELOPE
For heaven’s sake make yourself scarce! We don’t want to alarm you, but there are still thousands of loonies, armed to the teeth out in your woods looking for meat…and that meat means you! Unless you think you’d look good next to a bowl of potatoes please adhere to this simple advice: Stay high and keep your antlers about you if you want to be around come spring.
GAZA-Apres Armagedden
Photo from New York Times
Former Latin American Dictators to Monitor Run-Offs
(Panama City) A hand-picked junta comprised of retired South and Central American despots will be on hand to see that any and all 2004 election recounts are conducted on the up and up.
Chosen by the Supreme Quart and approved by influential officials both major parties, the former Latin dictators will act only in an advisor mode. Their official function will be that of observers, although insiders in Washington and elsewhere suggest that years of expertise in the arena of vote rigging and intimidation will be increasingly visible as recounts are tallied.
Opinions, expediency and a hands-on philosophy as to the political system in place will surely float to the top of the electoral puddle,” said one Congressional source who helped initiate the plan. “Frustration with the slow process could dictate conduct in back parlors and smokey rooms from New York to Buenos Aires.”
Among the observers are the former bosses in Chile, Argentina, Venezuela, Nicaragua and Panama. Former leaders who are currently being courted by the State Department include security personnel and executive level counterparts from Paraguay, Guatemala, Peru. Bolivia and Guyana. All are former generals. The names of these powerful men have not been made completely public for fear of reprisals on the part of those “who would do harm to the democratic process”, according to unreliable government sources.
Although at first shocked by the development the American public has come to grips with the arrangement and gone back to sleep. Critics fear the Republicans, who most resemble Latin American dictators, will have an unfair advantage in the recounts.
“We’re darn lucky to have men of this capacity here for our little election squabbles,” said one leading Republican senator who won a seat in 2000 by 3 votes and is currently embroiled in an even closer race this year.
“We better get this campaign over with or I’ll never spend any time of the floor voting for archaic measures and manipulating my colleagues,” he laughed. “This year I spent 80% of my time campaigning and 20% serving in Congress. I can assure you that won’t happen if I get my party’s nod in 2008.”
Certain “basic” amenities will be provided the former Latin strongmen during the run-offs. In addition to meal and hotel per diems each will be allowed to bring up to five body guards and several social secretaries. The presence of machine-gun toting military attaches and bullet-proof limousines will attest to a good faith gesture on the part of the United States.
“We think that the inclusion of these “decorated election counselors” will provide the impetus to smooth and legitimate elections,” said another Congressional source, who demanded animosity. “Besides, they can only play golf for so many days in a row.”
Infamous Latin dictators such as Manual Noriega, Generalissimo Raul Machete, Carlos Torres Bloode and Baby Doc Duvalier were not invited to the recount since they are in jail in Miami.
While acting out the drama of the democratic process the former despots will stay with George W. Bush at either the White House or in the executive bunkhouse at his sprawling Crawford (Texas) ranch.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
Halloween – A Celtic Thing
From the outside the newspaper business looks pretty basic, but it gets complicated fast. The publisher is in Brasil this week, engaged in beach frolic while the often responsible managing editor is out betting against the Broncos. That leaves me here with Freddy Kruegar, The Mummy and an assortment of zombies, vampires and skeletons on a slow news day no less, to do everything. Morbid decorations.
Let’s see here…halitosis….hallelujah…ah yes, Halloween. It seems the perfect subject matter for late October.
While the observation of Halloween in this country carries an array of perceptions and conceptions, it is quite a different experience on the Celtic Isles of Scotland and Ireland where the Hallow E’en celebration or Oiche Samhain originated. To the Pre-Christian Celts, Halloween was a sacred pagan holy day where it was believed that the spirits of the dead could return to their former life and make contact with the spirits of the living. In that ancient society, dominated by the enlightened and mysterious Druids, Halloween was an end of the summer fire feast where the gods were thanked for a rich harvest.
The Manx called it Hoptu Naa and the Welsh called it Calan Gaeaf. In the Gaeltacht of Western Ireland the people call the celebration Pooky Night, named after the mischievous Puka, a fairy of some regard. Either way it was all pretty much the same big carnival at a time of the year when the crops were in and magic was said to be most potent. In addition, it represented the mid-point in the Celtic calendar and the entry into the dark phase of the year.
The tradition of costumes originates on these islands too. Where merrymakers would mimic or placate the dead with painted faces and ghoulish attire. They were short on super hero outfits, and pre-fab plastics with accessories, so they had to rely on the magic itself to pull off their disguise. In Ireland and Scotland today many people simply done the white face paint and black robes in an attempt to continue this tradition – the cycle of birth and death in line with the order and harmony of the universe…a far cry from our commercial Halloween.
The practice of trick or treat (called mumming in Ireland) has been traced to the Celts too, as well as the Romans who invaded England. These conquerors sought to honor their Goddess Pomona, protector of the harvest, whose symbol was the apple, now an inherent part of Halloween celebrations. All of these feasts carried the unifying belief in the powerful symbolism of the moving dead, prayed for by the living
All was well until Pope Boniface IV decided that people were having too much fun. He turned the whole shooting match into a holy day of obligation where the faithful faced mandatory Mass attendance and an assortment of restrictions. The Pope could not accept the idea of a special day for all of the dead so he turned it into a day for just the blessed dead…All Saints Day. If you didn’t go along with the Pope on this one your crops would fail and your livestock would die mysteriously. Blasphemers, pontifically defined, would certainly spend eternity in the Netherworld
The Jack-O-Lantern also came from these isles but was carved from a large turnip since pumpkins were not indigenous to the Irish soil. The legend tells of a greedy gambler, Stingy Jack, who once tricked the devil and was condemned to eternally wander the earth at night. The lantern was placed outside to help him find his way and, possibly to keep him out of the flower beds, off the lawn and from peeking in the windows. The more bountiful pumpkin, used today to create the frightening, toothy faces on the jack-o-lantern, only came into play after early settlers brought it back to Europe (along with the potato) from the Americas.
Although the origins of our Halloween are clearly Celtic, Day of the Dead observances are popular in Mexico, Egypt, Guatemala, and the Caribbean. In Michoacan, Oaxaca, Chiapas and Merida, on the Yucatan children receive little chocolate sculls and families build altars piled high with food and the things the deceased loved one enjoyed in life. The altars are then decorated with marigolds to honor the dead. Pan de muertos (Bread of the dead) is baked to accentuate the feasting.
In Chichicastenango, Guatemala a massive procession begins at one end of town and strolls to the other. Along with the Jesus and Mary statues the alternative Creole deity, Rahsheeman, rides elevated through the streets. Sugar cane liquor is everywhere. Cannons are fired and bedlam is not far off. Up father north, at haunting Nebaj, the naturales engage in inebriated horse races which are quite a sight to behold (from the sidelines with a plate of Hilachas).
In Cariacou, Grenada the party starts in the evening at the local boneyard where graves are turned into bars and everyone toasts dead relatives throughout the night. Fortune telling takes second fiddle to the consumption of under-de-counta (under the counter) a fortified (99% proof) rum from Trinidad fermented with spices and reputed aphrodisiacs. Now these folks really know how to throw a party. Chevere Boo, Babies !
Local Airport Gears Up For Halloween
Rather than, as a precautionary measure, ban costumes from departures and arrivals on Halloween Day, the Cookie Tree Airstrip has announced it will beef up security in and around the facility.
“This will consist of bringing in about 50 head of cattle and bovine accessories,” said Fred Zeppelin, Director of Homing Pigeon Safety for the military gov’ment. “We figure with all those Herefords hanging around the X-ray machine nobody’s gonna sneak through our radar.”
Airflow officials expect traffic to be heavy and disguises to be common on Halloween, a holiday stolen from the pagans and turned into All Saints Eve by early Christians in 54 AD.
“It’s hard enough landing a 747 in mined skunk cabbage fields without having a bunch of loonies running around dressed like witches or Frankenstein,” said Zeppelin. “What if someone dresses up like an Arab? Some might even try to dress up like us. This could get ugly.”
– Jack Spratt
