Author Archive for M. Toole
Size not important most women say
(Chalmette, LA) The size of a pair of shoes is not always the first consideration prior to a purchase according to a majority of women polled this week. Seventy-five percent of female shoppers surveyed here say other variables, such as style, color and price are far more important than fit.
“Of course one must realize that this response was preceded by “drawn/slightly tight” to “loose/unconstricted” in in no way implies that women would go around in shoes that cut off circulation or kept falling off.
“Today’s woman is looking to make a fashion statement from head to toe,” said Margot Rotweiller, president of Feets Don’t Fail Me Now, a New England Cordwainer and Cobbler outfit that turned its first leather shoe in 1703. “If the style is right she can grow into it. If the price is right she can make do.”
Closets are often piled high with shoes that fit perfectly well but “just don’t work” according to those responding to the questionnaire, circulated throughout the Marie LaVeau’s Irish Channel Shopping Mall this weekend. The well-dressed woman prefers a little initial discomfort over color clashes and last year’s drab or outmoded version.
On the male side of the coin, secondary data, collected subliminally at free sausage and cheese pavilions, suggest that most men don’t give a hoot what they look like just so long as they are comfortable. The mantra for the average male, at least in Louisiana is: If it’s got shoe laces – go with it. – Manual Flushe
Warblers grab smelling bee again
The Yellowbutte Warblers, this years’ only serious participant, have walked away with yet another first-place trophy, narrowly defeating a tough and resilient Tuffy’s Hair Pin Creek squad “on vapors” according to sportscasters vying for attention on the ground.
The Hair Pin team fielded only 2.3 players within an accepted framework of at least 8 to 10 leaving the team plugging up holes rather than fundamental air circulation and crisp passing.
The victors have won the trophy 34 times since 1989
The Lady Warblers, winners of the State Body Chemistry Smelling Bee, were not in attendance raising questions as to perfumes and the sustainability neo-classic body odor. Congratulations to the players and coaches for a splendid performance of mental toughness and personal hygiene.
For more on this highly breakable tidbit please go to
“Warbler amateur status undocumented”
I Love Lucy Episodes Can’t Be Stopped
(Hollywood) Subsequent showings of the once prime time I Love Lucy cannot be terminated electronically, and will continue to blanket the airwaves for many years to come according to most network sources in Southern California. The programs, which have run in succeeding order, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, one after the other, for the past month, seem to have a mind of their own.
“The whole things has an enchanted nature about it and in truth shows more creativity than this medium has seen since the Fifties,” said a published report. “Even if one entity owned all the TV stations in the country the phenomenon would no doubt continue.”
The Lucy episodes began appearing on every network in America immediately following an Federal Communications Commission sell-out which allows for the further exploitation of the public air waves by rich, special interests seeking control of information. The recent FCC ruling allows for a relaxation of restrictions on multiple holdings across the country and opens the door to controls by the privileged few.
“These are the fat cats that helped bankroll Dubya’s takeover,” said the source. “Now they are reaping the benefits of promised pay backs.”
According to media watchdog groups these torturous displays of neurotic repetition are either an attempt by the government to distract the populace or could be the beginnings of an alien invasion of the planet.
FCC sources tell us that they are studying the problem and hope to get to the bottom of the riddle before the new shows come out next fall. In the meantime it’s Lucy or the test pattern. Independent stations and public television representatives have expressed concern that their signals are being interrupted and/or sent indiscriminately into outer space.
Despite a slight drop in ratings the changes in format have not been detected by our regular viewing audiences.
“I especially enjoy the segments where Fred and Ethyl (Mertz) are featured but I don’t care for all the nightclub hype with Ricky Ricardo,” said one FCC clerk. “It just doesn’t seem real to me, but I’m a big cop show fan.”
Consumer advocates are boiling at the these developments but continue to echo the same mantra: You will not learn a damn thing by watching television. It makes one stupid. It is a waste of time. They further insist that the only way to combat Big Brotherism is simply to turn the damn thing off. – Fred Zeppelin
COBERTIZO DE RENDIMIENTOS DE CUEVAS LOCALES LUZ SOBRE LOS PRIMEROS HUMANOS
(Continuación de la página de confrontación)
y de estos grabados rupestres se desprende que los neandertales no se habían acostumbrado a la recién emergida estructura del pulgar y tuvieron que depender de sus subordinados Denizen para rescatar las patatas asadas de las rugientes llamas de la fogata. Estas cohortes de ragamuffins a menudo cosechaban cannabis y actuaban como porteadores para los humanos más grandes, a pesar de que tenían fama de quedarse en casa.
Este fragmento amistoso de la historia de la meseta de Colorado le trajo elogios del Jing and Jang Penny Bank: Su banco, pero no su banco.
Many pets still without on-line service, email
(Gunnison) Despite the promises by elected officials and bureaucrats waiting for payday, a majority of pets in the United States remain computer challenged, illiterate within the Internet spectrum and completely locked out of the social media.
The travesty grows. 94% pets responding to a simple questionnaire say they have been ignored by the high tech junkies and purposely excluded from electronic communication on the grounds that they are stupid or that they cannot type or spell worth a lick.
“Should minor pitfalls prevent an intelligent dog or cat from embracing progress or function effectively in the modern world?” asked one former lion tamer turned dog walker here. Societies that bar access to beings that they consider to be a liability are always burned by the arrogance, crippled by the resentment.”
If it wasn’t already bad enough. The public schools are holding tanks for most, billionaires run the country and there are poor people wandering around Wall Street. Keeping this segment of the population in the dark will not provide for a better life on the Internet. It will not help to control spam or junk mail. It will simply discriminate against four-legged creatures, many of who would like to join the 21st Century before it’s too late.
– Rufus Maxwell
EX-Mag Castoff throws hat into Commissar Race
The Neanderthal Party appears primed to run a Trump castoff for Commissioner. Sandy Knotty-Pine, a Log Hill fumigator, was reportedly passed up by in 2016 and he entertains a grudge against everyone in the system.
Good looks may win elections and the Neanderthals were seen as an attractive, if extinct race! Pine stands for survival skills that may be compulsory in the eternal effort to take one’s careful next breath in the dark.
She plans to choose a local fence post as her running mate so as not to confuse her likely constituency.
— Dolores Alegria
