Author Archive for M. Toole
Raider posers on Halloween
They look so clean cut – not what one might expect from “Pro Wrestling Wannabee?” Las Vegas Raider supporters who don work-a-day costumes for the Day of the Dead. Nature’s balance (and quantum sense of humor) has help land the Raider franchise in Nevada.
Sainthood “posthumous promotion” – Pontiff
Pope Francis told a group of pilgrims that the sacred achievement of sainthood was similar to a promotion in the lay/corporate sector.
Outstanding Catholics, elevated to the rank of saint, are chosen due to goodness, love of fellows and loyalty to the Vatican. Their escapades while here on earth, although often theatrical, even melodramatic, could also have been quite normal, even boring.
“Why not make everyone a saint. It doesn’t cost anything.” said the Pontiff.
“Loyal employees get a watch after 40 years. Some get promoted to partner or VP. Why not sainthood as a reward for daily religious achievements?” he pressed.
At present anyone considered to be saint material must undergo a series of IV Divine Vatican impasses, checks and examinations: Recognition, Nomination Research, Beatification (which they say can be painful), and finally Sainthood.
The sacred status is more difficult to attain than, say, being elected to the House of Representatives but easier than securing a seat on the local town council.
In a related development: Recently unearthed documents alleging that Jesus Christ may have been Undocumented have gained international attention, but no comment from religious groups.
None of the major Judeo-Christian sects have commented on conclusive evidence that most Jewish male babies had not been registered due to the messy King Herod thing and all. Many undoubtedly fell through the cracks of ancient history leaving their political status unclear, technically illegal aliens in their own country.
In the case of the prophet Jesus this may have led to his short, interrupted life as a rebel and socialist.
– Fred Zeppelin
Next month: Did the Apostles smoke pot?
Ecumenical Council Leaves Trail of Smoke
AMA Recommends Porch Sitting
(Warshington) In a total reversal from previous directives, the American Medical Association now heartily recommends that people engage in porch sitting for a minimum of three hours per day. The group further discounted notions that exercise is the real priority and even implied that too much movement could be harmful to the general health.
“It doesn’t matter if people lounge around on the porch in the morning or get their three hours in after dinner,” said Dr Simon Lackluster of St Roscoe’s Clinic over in Virginia. “People who are in good shape should welcome the relaxation while our nation’s fat folk could implement a combination routine of healthy eating and exercise before embracing quiet time on the porch.”
The AMA has recently released a slick pamphlet called “Safe and Effective Porch Sitting” which is available at progressive pharmacies throughout the country. It clearly outlines methods of porch enjoyment listing accessories, furniture and even attire to assure correct application of loafing, or porching, as enthusiasts call the inaction.
“Some of the great Southern writers, such a William Faulkner and Tennessee Williams set an entire novel on the porch,” continued Lackluster. “One could see everything from the porch, which often lead to family conflicts and exposed deep emotional scars there on so many rocking chairs and swings.”
Porch sitting crosses socio-economic lines and, in most cases does not create problems so far as race, religion or gender preference, depending who shares the porch.
One often asked question regarding these restful concepts is “What if I don’t got no porch?”
The answer, according to medical journals is simple: “Get one.”
– Ripple Van Winkle
FAVORITE TOURIST TRAPS
Are you visiting our world this fall? If so here is a preferred
selection of attractions even you won’t want to miss!
PEA GREEN CONSERVATORY RUINS – This architectural prototype once housed the infamous Pea Green Kazoo Orchestra and was the scene of the last pancake breakfast attended by William McKinley before his untimely assassination by an anarchist in 1901. Over the years, the orchestra played before such music lovers as King Edward VII, Talulah Bankhead, Oliver Heaviside, J.P. Morgan, Joan Crawford, and last but never least…Thomas E. Dewey who remains buried six feet under the rhythm section.
WORLD’S LARGEST MARTINI – Located off Highway 135 near the former Rockey River Resort Complex. This 700-foot cocktail was erected after the first Heeny Tick Festival in 1907 (or was in ’08?). It requires the constant attention of some 130 full-time employees just to keep the thing cold. Funding cuts over the past few years have discouraged operations in the winter months when most thirsty residents switch to brandy or schnapps anyway. Official records estimate that it cost $6500 dollars per day to keep the facility open and that takes into account the low cost pretend water generated power plant that was built with state lottery money in 1989. Guided tours are available on the half hour with a minimal admission fee of $12 (non-imbiber) and $175 (full services). A massive martini pipeline, that could supply some six counties with the beverage is on the drawing board and may be completed by Rockies’ season. Just for kicks don’t miss the Old Timer Vermouth Mill located just three miles east of Olive’s Gift Shop at Big Ol’ Grandma’s RV World.
SAGEBRUSH HOLOCAUST MUSEUM – This eerie monument seeks to honor the native sagebrush that is destroyed by bulldozers and asphalt each year. It was located in Peach Valley as of last night.
HISTORIC MOTEL ROW – Located in Gunnison, this historical district has been completely restored and preserved for future generations. Many of the structures are available by the night or week but summer rates are never reasonable. Take a walk back into the past as some of these motels were built as early as 1956. Park at Parlin and proceed west until you see the flashing lights! Self-contained RVs welcome. Sorry but due to the ineffectiveness of the Gunnison Hysterical Society the landmark LaVeta Hotel, once perched on Boulevard Avenue, no longer exists.
SLATE RIVER WHITE BUFFALO RANCH View the rare white buffalo, an animal considered sacred by the Utes. No set hours. Either the buffalo are there or they are not. Watch the illegal parking on shouldered Highway 135. Located between Almont and Jack’s Cabin adjacent to the Roaring Judy Trout Internment Center, which is closed to the public Monday through Friday and on weekends.
FASTEST TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE WEST Located at the intersection of Main and Townsend in Montrose. Wagon trains passing through this valley in the early part of the century are still waiting to negotiate this stretch of road. After you enjoy a visit to this signal be sure to stop at the Slowest Traffic Light in the West located one street north.Snap a picture of the dumbest left turn lane in North America.
JURASSIC LEACH FIELD – This ancient collection of dinosaur dung can be enjoyed by taking Highway 50 to Whitewater then turning west into Unaweep Canyon. Proceed along Highway 141 past the Umetco nuclear sugar beet processing plant at Snyder Flats and on to the Pablo Escobar Landing Strip at Castro Draw. Cut back southeast on the dirt road to Tenderfoot Mesa and listen for poorly sponsored tap dancing. Since the remains are not totally petrified, forest rangers caution visitors to hold their noses, wear old shoes and carry ample fly swatters in their vehicles. (Please clean up after your dog).
TOOTHBRUSH RECYCLING PLANT – Located in downtown Novocain next to the Halitosis Toothpaste Tailings at the mouth of Stale Breath Gulch. See thousands of discarded toothbrush handles being forged into alarm clocks for export to the Far East. The bristles are melted down and turned into second-rate AstroTurf. We suggest one avoid this massive dental display while Lauren Boebert is in office. She and her entourage have this attraction circled and have tied up all motel rooms within a radius of fifty miles.
THE GIANT HOUSE – Located on Ouray’s chic Oak Street, this 700,000 square foot structure was actually larger than the state of Rhode Island before the fire. Decorated with treasures pillaged from an assortment of Third World cultures the Giant House is designed to sink into the surrounding rocks in the event of a nuclear attack. Make sure identification papers are in order upon entering the lush grounds, as custodians are somewhat trigger-happy. Schedule your visit to the Giant House between noon and two and catch some pomp and circumstance with the precision changing of the realtors at the gatehouse of this exclusive development.
These are only a few of the many attractions that await the visitor to Western Colorado. For a complete listing and further information on educational and illuminating tours and packages stop into your local tourist information booth. Tell them you’re Butch Cassidy and you’re looking for a few sticks of dynamite and an automatic teller machine. They probably won’t get it anyway.
CAUTION: Do not heed the advice of seemingly friendly denizens as these reprobates take extreme pleasure in misleading the innocent. Although creative and dramatic in delivery, they will lie to you at every turn causing much consternation and an immoral waste of gasoline. NEVER confront them in their prevarications as they are all well armed, even the children.
– Uncle Pahgre
Reader Prompts More Than Bells and Whistles Says Judge
(Colona) Methods of reader inducement, employed by a local website to increase domain traffic, is instead goading rather than simple encouragement says a county judge here.
In addition, the albeit questionable premiums guaranteed by sanjuanhorseshoe.com may be bogus in that not one reader has received anything since 1977.
“The oh-so-many slogans gushed from the gob of sanjuanhorseshoe.com are a far cry from the bells and whistles originally promised,” Justice Mary Lee Lewis explained to a packed quartroom Thursday.
“The publishers of the gossip organ were subpoenaed ad testificandum decades ago and have only appeared today after threat of incarceration. We have them in our grasp and intend to act within the full force of what is good in this culture,” she said glaring at the defendants.
According to an aid-memoire released by the same court in 1980 the Horseshoe, then a monthly newspaper used threats, bullying, literary pressure, food deprivation, sleep manipulation, political cadres on the lawn, tedious hunter safety classes, forced grammar reassignment, electric shocks and in extreme cases…cattle prods.
“We never used political cadres on the lawn,” cried Kashmir Horseshoe, who stands to lose his 3000-acre Vicuna ranch if convicted. “They always watched from the street or alley. Otherwise, even a hint of accountability is out the window.”
Horseshoe went on to claim that most humans are stupid, lazy and needed to be reeducated as to the proper way to embrace the natural thought patterns of the cosmos.
“Forms of inspiration vary from culture to culture,” chided the judge. “Plato talked about this. So did the Tao masters and the people that discovered uses for the agave plant.
“Let’s face it once and for all: The Spanish Inquisition was never really about conjunctions, the past perfect or irregular verbs,” she said, “but it certainly fit in nicely when it came to the disappearances and depopulation of Spanish heretics and other troublemakers.
“1984 was not about 1984 either,” she choked, holding back tears amid the tensions of a highly emotional venue.
Horseshoe plans to counter sue the state of Colorado claiming political prisoner status or incompetence to stand trail, whichever is easiest.
-Uncle Pahgre
Autumn still high fire danger zone
These. firemen knew that they weren’t out of the woods yet with regard to fires in and out of town. Some of Western Colorado’s worse blazes have come in the fall when people are in the woods preparing for winter and perfect daytime temperatures linger.
