Author Archive for M. Toole
Santa Claus Canadian
Ottowa) The red-clad warrior of Christmas has admitted his Canadian ancestry today much to the dismay of millions of fans south of the border in the United States. Humbug.
“We are stunned,” said a spokesman for retailers here. “Why would he mislead us? Why would he impersonate himself in such a cruel way? He should be punished!”
For centuries Santa Claus was considered to be a product of the U.S. since his trademark image was created by people like Thomas Nast, Clarence Horning, Frank Leslie and Winslow Homer. Despite these presumptions the elf’s continued insistence that he reside at the brutal North Pole and his long association with Canada should have indicated a rat.
“People would prefer to gloss over the reality of a situation rather than consider all the possibilities,” said social scientist Margaret Swede of Cal Polygamy, a visiting schoolmarm here. “Why do they think the Canadian kids always got their presents first? He’s been a rabid fan of the Maple Leafs since the first power play. He even goes to Bluejays’ games. That in itself shows substantial instability.”
What this disclosure will do to Christmas down in the colonies is not known but former Vice President, Mike Pence, has bravely offered to fill in until a new Santa is appointed, or the old one is exonerated.
“Santa has mislead us for too long,” continued Swede. “Even liberal academia will be slow to forgive him for this ruthless act.”
As an acting Canadian, Santa is also a subject of the crown (Britain) which may not go down well in Fenian circles.
“His mother was a Murphy,” added Swede. “Ahh, but don’t they forget the ould sod when they make a few quid across the sea.”
After the holidays the United States will consider economic sanctions against the Commonwealth of Canada for harboring the bearded fraud.
– Suzie Compost
Bass boat fleet arrives at North Pole
The first frozen bass boat arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.
But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.
“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”
One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.
“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.
News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.
“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Canada,” squawked another puffed up elf.
The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pol landmarks and Santas immediate family.
“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”
For a related piece turn to What to buy for a polar bear? in Lifestyles On Ice
Deadline for hibernation permits draws near
(Bland Valley) Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official Colorado Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough, as applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Wildlife office to pick up the needed forms.
“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Melvin Toole, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope. “This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”
In addition to a small fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January.
“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled Toole, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”
– Dolores Alegria
Los hispanos pueden haberse asentado primero en el suroeste
(Ridgway) Los investigadores del Cookie Tree Institute sugieren que los latinos pueden haber sido los primeros europeos en habitar el suroeste de los Estados Unidos. Insisten en que los montículos de artefactos descubiertos, depósitos lingüísticos y culturales y estilos arquitectónicos comunes a la Península Ibérica presentan evidencia conspicua de que el lugar fue el hogar de pueblos de México y España mucho antes de que fuera propiedad y estuviera operado por gringos y personas de ascendencia del norte de Europa.
La genética del lugar apunta a una antigua población hispana que llegó en el siglo XVI y luchó con los grupos nativos que ya residían. Esta contingencia histórica parece estar respaldada por los escritos de los primeros montañeses, del este del Mississippi, que a menudo se casaban entre sí y vivían en pueblos como Taos y las misiones de California.
“Lo que inclinó la balanza son los nombres de todos los pueblos como Santa Fe, Chama, Del Norte y San Luis”. dijo un investigador. “Nos dimos cuenta de muchos de estos nombres en los mapas y los confirmamos con visitas in situ. Por qué estos pueblos se llamarían así si fueron establecidos por otra persona?”
Aún no se ha determinado si este estudio ayudará o no a aliviar los problemas relacionados con los extranjeros ilegales que llegan aquí para trabajar, pero el término destino manifiesto inverso se ha introducido en conversaciones susurradas en lugares tan al este como Baltimore.
Muchos residentes gringos actuales se han ofendido por las acusaciones, diciendo que los datos recopilados eran unilaterales e inapropiados.
Tomemos como ejemplo la pronunciación local de Buena Vista y Salida”, dijo Earl Lliftline-Cortez, de Parlin. “Te suenan estos nombres en español?”
La reacción en todo el país fue una mezcla de ira e indiferencia.
“Deja de tonterías y muéstrame una escritura”, dijo Cal Cajun, un desarrollador en Albuquerque, que ha construido más de 50 comunidades cerradas aquí desde los años 80. “Todo son palabras sin documentación”.
Madeline Althare, congresista de Nueva York, tenía otro ángulo: “A quién le importa quién vivió allí o quién vive allí hoy? Es todo un montón de cactus y serpientes de cascabel con autos abandonados y remolques de chatarra por todas partes. Lo vi en Discovery o en el Times.
Mientras tanto, las excavaciones continúan y los hallazgos son cada día más sólidos. Los grupos de nativos americanos, ofendidos por no haber sido introducidos en la fórmula, dicen que boicotearán una próxima votación que devolvería a Arizona a México a cambio de dinero en efectivo y un jugador que se nombrará más adelante.
-Dolores Alegria
Jesus, Mohammed To Meet in Gaza
(Hebron, Occupied West Bank) The long awaited summit between Jesus Christ and Mohammed (no last name available) appears to be on track. Preliminary negotiations are set for mid-July with a formal eight-nation summit slated for early February.
Focusing on the continuing Gaza conflict, the meetings will be characterized by heightened security, international fanfare and perhaps even a glimmer of hope. Already pilgrims from both sides of the doctrinal fence have been gathering throughout the world to ask for direction and to hammer out final plans. As one might expect, navigation through the endless differences of opinion has been tainted with arguments, and in some case, violence.
Sources in both the Israeli and Palestinian camps say they hope to control their multitudes so as to proceed with these earth-shattering matters.
“We hope that the faithful on both sides don’t get carried away with religious fervor and wreck this one opportunity for peace,” said a source in Jerusalem. “If we can keep the talks simple and limit the negative influence on the two leaders we may actually accomplish something by the fall.”
Both Jesus and Mohammed have agreed publicly they would like to see the opposing sides come to some agreement that might end the century-long stand-off between land-grabbing Zionists and radical Muslims.
According to inside sources the two religious icons will arrive in Jerusalem so as to prepare for what promises to be a hectic schedule.
“Breaking bread is no easy matter when we have two super-prophets at the same table,” continued the source. “Both are used to being the center of attention with respect to their connection with The Man Upstairs. Fortunately they do agree that it’s the same all-knowing spirit.”
It was still not clear whether each leader would bring along an entourage of disciples or go it alone.
“We firmly believe that if we can create a scenario where both icons are relaxed and isolated from their followers we can accomplish great things. Here, once again we have two great prophets who agree on the basics but due to centuries of human interpretation have come to be perceived as opposites,” continued the source. “This is no ecclesiastical weight-in and we don’t expect stare-downs or stand-offs.”
Yesterday Islamic fundamentalists in Cairo and in the city of Bugaboo, in central Iran, set cars on fire and pelted authorities with dirt balls chanting “Sod is Great!” while explosions could be heard from Mecca to Medina. Simultaneously Christian clerics have called for demonstrations in support of their cause with Saturday night book burnings, evangelical fish fries and a armed candlelight march on neighborhood mosques.
“It’s the fundamentalists on both sides that are to blame for the problem,” our source said. “They both want the power. They both want control. None of it has to do with the daily status of their flocks. It’s all based on fear of the unknown and a desire to appear righteous in the face of us and them philosophies. What we need now, as forever, is a little tolerance,” he offered.
Nations participating in the historical summit, hosted by Jordan, include Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Indonesia, Libya, Germany, France, Britain and the United States. It is still not clear whether Israel or the Palestinians would be seated.
Conflicts as to the present site of the meetings were defused Friday with the announcement that decorum and general protocol would follow Christian scripture and that a follow-up parley would be held at a locale deep in Bible Belt, USA. In addition the two sides agreed that the event would be catered by Rasputin’s Kosher-Khaleeji Deli with outlets in Brooklyn and Queens.
Meanwhile the rock concert atmosphere builds as United Nations security forces begin constructing bunkers, trenches and other checkpoints in an attempt to keep the faithful on both sides from killing each other. An announcement yesterday that the worshipped icons would appear in business suits, rather than traditional robes, created quite a stir among the more orthodox on both sides and as far away as the garment district in Hong Kong.
Attempts to contact the Creator by phone last evening proved unproductive as He was reportedly either in a meeting and could not be disturbed or had gone on an extended fishing trip.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
La Madre Naturaleza completa clases de manejo de la ira
(Delta) Una Madre Naturaleza claramente relajada ha completado con éxito aquí las clases de manejo de la ira ordenadas por la corte en un tiempo récord, lo que lleva incluso a los cínicos a creer que se ha calmado. En los últimos años se han producido huracanes, sequías y deshielo polar a un ritmo sin precedentes que han llevado a la sentencia obligatoria.
“No podemos decir si ha sido rehabilitada o si simplemente está montando un espectáculo”, dijo un consejero emocional que dice que le gustan las tormentas eléctricas.
Aunque está en libertad condicional sin supervisión, durante los próximos dos años la Madre Naturaleza tendrá plena movilidad y acceso a sus antiguos asociados al viento y la lluvia.
“Es fácil ver por qué se enojó en primer lugar”, dijo el consejero. “Qué te parecería que la gente destrozara tu jardín?”
Las autoridades están esperando y observando cómo se emprenderán nuevas acciones legales contra el ex acusado.
“Se dio cuenta de que eran espíritus vivientes, sus raíces enterradas en la tierra oscura, absorbían la energía del sol y la esencia de la luna, humedecidos por la lluvia y el rocío, entendían los caminos de los cielos y las lógica de la tierra. El color del sorgo sugería que el sol ya había teñido el oscuro horizonte de un patético rojo”.
– Padre en Sorgo Rojo de Mo Yan.
