Author Archive for M. Toole
*Trump “Anti-Christ Bible” sells for $2
(Washington) An important keepsake from the aborted Presidency of Donald Trump sold for $2 on the open market today, more than doubling its real worth according to booksellers and unreliable religious sources in nearby Bethesda.
Remember the photo of Donald Trump holding up what appeared to be a Christian Bible during the January 6 riots egging supporters on to the Capitol encouraging them to violence while in the capacity of President. His small-brained followers, pobrecitos hung out to dry by a society who had no place for them, heard the call to arms loud and clear, resulting in the deaths of several people as well as a myriad of arrests. This was a pre-meditated job well done by a charlatan gangster who should be in prison but yet walks free.
Well guess what now — the tome he held up was not anyone’s book of scripture but rather a Munich (Germany) phone book printed during the Beer Hall Putsch in 1933. Oh my!
“Two dollars is a fortune when one considers that the Munich phone books were free back then,” said one bibliophile. “I guess it has some value as an antique which is more than I can say about the former President.”
Trump remains on most ballots despite efforts by Colorado Supreme Court to ban the insurrectionist from running for public office.
“It’s a very un-democratic approach to democracy, isn’t it?” asked one unaffiliated voter who supported Bernie Sanders in 2020 and Dion Sanders in 2023.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“It’s strange that a church with Mary at the center of its founding story could suffocate women’s voices for centuries.”
– Maureen O’Dowd, New York Times
Yule Jewel Astrograph
Mañana, Colorado Yuletide Crier and Whiner
DEC 25, 2023
(General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very cosmic existence. Sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by his frank evaluations. Go ahead now and open your presents…)
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Growth may arrive in strange little packages with odd wrappings and a painful bow on the top. A choice is obvious although primary options may lead one to believe he is at the mercy of his own stupidity. Look before you leap but never through rose colored glasses. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are strictly summer concoctions and should not be consumed in colder weather. Tonight: Learn to juggle ideologies and balance a friend’s mindless opinions on the end of your nose.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Peace on Earth is not an advertising slogan. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club instead in order to better reach those empty spaces between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look extremely encouraging for most Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative and zoo breath will cause yet another social explosion. Don’t take any crap off your boss. If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. Tonight: Cows in the corn.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. Thus far you have managed to waltz through life without ever considering where you came from and where you’re going. Good job. If you can keep cruising at this pace you should achieve true enlightenment by next Thursday night. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your intellect. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Comparison shopping may convince you to shun the roll of consumer altogether. Call someone in Parma, Ohio tonight.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Just because salmon insist on running upstream doesn’t mean you have to follow. Go with the flow but only on your own terms. Playing the waiting game is much safer in the middle of the river. Avoid predictable feeding habits. It’s time to put on that extra layer of fat for the winter before the bait goes south. Does a fish need a bicycle? Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. When dealing with family members keep in mind that they operate on similar misconceptions. It’s genetic. Get off your high horse. He will only throw you when you least expect it. Tonight: Two drinks is plenty
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper lip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but first you must make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. Lines are usually short and there’s nobody out jogging at three in the morning. Don’t wish too hard for something or you might pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is alright if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Tonight: Spend quality time with a social parasite.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your good humor and charisma are getting tedious for others. Try the scrooge approach. That way people won’t expect you to be nice for Christmas.You will perform best today by staying out off stage. Buying people off could be better than putting them on. An old lover will hit you with a wrought iron cane or bamboo rocking chair in the wee hours. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of oatmeal. If you intend to speak from the heart today make sure to bring along your pacemaker. Confusion reigns. Don’t forget your umbrella. Tonight: Academic strolls down primrose lane.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Dreams of travel should not be chronicled while sleeping in your car. You may not work well under pressure this month. Try letting the air out of your ego. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Your goldfish adore you. If you must stuff a stocking with Spam, at least leave it in the can. Santa likes his eggs over easy. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Tonight: Keep eating fruitcake.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Your intrinsic hunter/gatherer instincts are in full swing this week. Don’t attempt to fight it. Hunt and gather till you puke. Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when those noisy, early morning trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken may net unexpected results in the early morning. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are better. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of Vallenato music.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for fireworks on the 30th. Don’t do it or you could get burned. Today is a perfect time to fill your dance card for the winter as the band plays on. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments and Christmas cards altogether. Traveling to the beat of a different drummer may require a foghorn. Decisions can best be made by the flip of a coin. Tonight: A persistent old fish has his fins on you.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. Turn up the bass. Let us know what happens. You’re going to heaven all right but get to the airport early to go through security. We care. When it comes to the American work ethic look to the little man from the North Pole. He works one night a year and is applauded by millions as a hero. Could this concept work for you? If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They have kitchens and a place to sleep. Santa Claus is real. You are not. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Wait for blocking before attempting a runback from deep in your end zone. Sometimes it’s better to settle for the sure thing and begin your operations from the 25-yard line. Although the element of surprise is valuable, punting too early could leave you with terrible field position later in life. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors small Christmas presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand. Christmas shopping can be simplified by purchasing by the case at your friendly, local liquor outlet. If there is an odd bottle or two left over stuff your own stocking. Tonight: Drinking to excess has worked for some.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Attempts to expand your knowledge are almost certain to be successful considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is still moving in reverse and headed for that brand new Ford pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life there are body guards. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus will enter your sign for a three-week stay – Better stock up on toilette paper. If you spend all your money on trivial things you won’t have to worry about that stack of bills screaming for attention. Turn down the volume and enjoy what you certainly cannot understand. Many doors will open for you this month, letting in little more than an annoying draft. Whittle while you still can whittle. Tonight: Swoon.
REINDEER NOT ALWAYS HAPPY ON YULE
It has long been a human trait to take for granted that, although the wheels have fallen off our own wagons, everyone else is doing just fine. If you are a reindeer at Christmas, it’s all but a given that things are looking up. Surely, as one of Santa’s anointed eight, the laborious joys of the solstice would establish peace and harmony. Maybe not. Let’s eavesdrop on a little soul searching, compliments of Blitzen, a veteran point man in Santa’s annual entourage. Nobody knows the trouble he’s seen.
Damn. Another cold night out here fooling with these reins. I wish the fat boy would spring for new tack this Christmas but he’ll probably settle for carrots and green apples like last year. Where in all of creation did he read that reindeer like that sort of thing. What we need out there in the dark is a cup of rum and eggnog. Where’s Donner? She was supposed to be back from the hardware store an hour ago.
Legend tells it that we beasts of burden are happy pursuing a life of service to this obsessed elf in a red suit. That’s history for you. The winners write it down and the losers suffer from cold feet. I’m so tired of little kids with dreamy eyes waiting by the chimney while we’re up on the roof freezing, our hooves slipping. How many people still use fireplaces? Don’t they know wood smoke pollutes the ozone? Why can’t they hold Christmas in July like all those greedy furniture stores?
Damn. If I hear that carol one more time I’m gonna puke. Can’t someone play something a little more progressive. Hell, I’ll even take Elvis or Brenda Lee over this syrupy saga that Santa pumps out over the loud speakers. Maybe he’d lighten up if we could get the internet at the North Pole. WiFi works in the snow. I think they can’t make any money up here what with polar bears, codfish and crazy elves with those pointy red noses.
And speaking or red noses the old lady, Mrs. Claus, has been flown down to Canada for another round of rehab. I can’t blame the woman for hitting the bottle. You try living with a benevolent elf that can’t afford a second suit of clothes but insists on giving away the farm every December 24. I don’t mean to be bitter but everyone has his limit.
And then there’s the favorite son, Rudolph. Before some flatlander came up with the song, you know, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, there was parity, solidarity in this job. Now we have the privileged one and a host of extras. It’s not like we’re in it for the notoriety, or that most of us care. We just want to finish our jobs and get back down to Greenland for winter carnival. It’s tough enough to find a suitable mate in the Arctic but try it up here where we’re up to our butts in blizzards and sleigh bells.
He hates to be called Rudy. Rudy…Rudy…more Rudy. Hey, you don’t sign my pay check, you pompous flit. Where did you get that red nose from anyway? At least Mrs. Claus drinks out in the open.
After all these years I’m still fifth man on a string of idiots. When I first started this gig I figured I’d be into management by now. In fact I was promised a promotion following the Christmas of ’82, or was it ’92? The years all blend together when you’re working on the chain gang here in the Great North. Maybe this year Prancer and Cupid will brush their teeth before we go out on our journey. Maybe Dasher will bring a map and Vixen will wear those red tights again. I still think Dancer swiped my flask somewhere over Scotland in 2010..
Sure, we could have joined the herd union but then we’d have to go to all those smoky meetings with burned-out antelopes, arrogant zebras and yoked oxen. I’d rather sit through one of the fat boy’s sermons. At least he provides health insurance. Oh, here comes Donner, back from the hardware store. I hope she got the right…what? A package in gold with red ribbon? Under the tree in the stable? My name on it? Who…are you pulling my leg. If you are I’ll…we all got presents?
I’ll bet it’s a new collar, or some dry boots or maybe some decoration for my antlers. And a present from Comet? Another from Prancer? A card from Vixen? They shouldn’t have. I thought we agreed not to buy presents anymore. I thought I’d been forgotten.
Even Donner got a pile of presents and she’s only been with us for a little over a century. Christmas morning will be quite the festive occasion this year but I’d better get busy. Maybe I’ll buy us all Christmas dinner or a spring trip to Antarctica for the penguin races. Maybe I’d better go to town. I know what all the reindeer want. I’ve heard them talking and it is far better to give than receive but combined the action is dynamite. Dasher wants a basketball and Cupid a cell phone. I’ll get Santa new underwear and Donner a nightcap. And, speaking of nightcaps I know what I’ll buy Mrs. Claus too. What the hell she deserves to make merry before her coming brush with temperance. Hospitals can be so dreary in January. It’s only a few days away. I love this time of the year.
Rocking Around the Tree
Acupuncture gift baskets make a great Christmas present. Now taking orders. Sapinero Sewing Circle.
A reenactment of the French Revolution featuring the Reign of Terror Players will be presented at the Montrose Pavilion on December 28 and 29. The director is currently searching for Montrose County residents with royal blood to play the parts of the victims. We do not need any more loud peasants to act as extras. French nobility will be treated to a continental breakfast (crepes or croissants) before the carts are loaded. Interested parties are asked to send proof of lineage to: Max Robespierre, c/o the above facility.
Now available: Cliff Notes for the 22,000-page General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT). Why pore over an ocean of data when you can have it all in a concise 24-page booklet. Nobody in Congress read the damn thing anyway. They were too bust campaigning. Send $3.99 to One World Publications, Warshington, DC.
The 15th Annual Jesse Helms Celebrity Possum Hunt will be held at a secret location near the Continental Divide on December 31. Liberals and non-smokers welcome.
For sale: Incredibly large kosher dill pickle. Low mileage. Would make a great canoe or could be sub-divided and sold off as small cucumbers. Jolly Pena, Colona Lighthouse. Come around the back.
For sale: 4,350,000 acres between Cortez and Burlington. Owner will finance or trade for successful liquor outlet. Contact local BLM office.
For sale: One nearly new set of Xerox golf clubs. Duplicate putters included along with ample software. Salvage rights on holes number 5 and number 13. Will throw in a bunch of those fuzzy driver covers and a pocket full of tees from Dos Rios. Cash only. Sylvia Birdie.
Substitute preachers needed all over the Western Slope for the holidays. Religious affiliation no problem. Good pay and great hours. Familiarity with rear projection and collection basketry helpful. Council of the Punitive Leap, Trent.
Good natured voyeurs needed for journey to India. Seaworthy salts of legal age please. Must have own gear and know how to swim. No corsairs, picaroons, peg-legged pirates, freebooters, snowboarders, surfers or malcontents need apply. Room and board included. Must pass literacy test and exhibit proof of vaccination. Reply to Christopher Columbus in Madrid.
Looking for somewhere to spend Christmas Eve. Call by December 26 or just forget it. Melvin Toole, Jardin, Antioquia.
Partying hardy this holiday season? We will bury your stinky, smelly clothes the next day. Pick up times fall every half hour between 8 a.m. and noon. Aroma Backhoe and Cleaners, Placerville.
Bring up your children by remote control. Dial 9 and hold it.
Working people can’t afford to take their children skiing. Tough shit. Colorado Brie Country.
Now you can shrink your local ski area safely and effectively with Preparation H. Tube or family size jar available where you buy Christmas tree permits!
Condescending preppie cooks needed for lavish sushi bar. Countess Interruptus, Box 772, Horseshoe.
Carrot psychics needed for instrumental snow dancing, possible romance. B. Bunny, Blind Box 99, Horseshoe.
NEEDED: Large man with chain saw to break up fights at closing time over the holidays. Grady’s Gravy Heaven, Wimpton Mall.
National vacuum cleaner concern seeks dirt bag to demonstrate personal utilities associated with our fine product. Can you cut the mustard, or at least wipe it off your ski parka? Good pay plus commission. Volunteer Vacuums, Pueblo and Raton.
Crummy Christmas presents got you down? We will pay top dollar for ties, perfume, scarves, fruitcake, any gift. Yuletide Salvage, Miller Mesa.
Will butcher fowl for the fun of it. Will pay you the going rate to butcher turkeys through the end of the month for pure revenge. That turkey killed my brother. Darian Mariposa, Mañana Grange.
Air your dirty laundry by computer at the DIA. Emotional baggage system AOK! Interested? Contact Kansas Laundromat across from DIA.
LOST: Computerized sleigh landing gear between what was Stapleton and what is Denver International Airports. S. Claus, North Pole Enterprises.
Former prostitute seeks government position. Will start at the bottom. Finn Town Fannie, Telluride.
Erma: I’ll be wearing a white sport coat and a pink carnation, or was that a pink sport coat and a white fixation? Anyway, you know what I like, heh? Are you an adult? Am I, heh? Let’s groove together until spring. I’ve even waxed my mustache and cleaned the bathroom. Ophir Slim.
In honor of and with respect to all fur bearing animals who are trying to get some rest this winter, we ask that all humans keep their voices down through April. In short: If you have nothing appropriate to add to the conversation just sit quietly. A therapist will be with you momentarily.
Looking for part-time work over the holidays. I will stuff envelopes, read books, chop firewood or run for President in 2024. It seems I have a lot of time on my hands and Marilyn works nights. Respond to Dan Quayle, Kokomo Milling and Fine Taboos.
Going out of business. Selling antique sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. Red suit with fur lining, assorted tools, work bench and extremely dependent elf colony. Krispe Kringle.
Wash dishes in Nairobi! Scrub pots in Kathmandu! Screen silverware in Arkadelphia! Send complete resume and $100 filing fee to International Pearl Diver Placement and Exchange. Box 33, No Name, CO 81603.
ATTENTION TRAVELERS! The Cane Law is now in effect on Monarch, Coal Bank, Red Mountain and Wolf Creek Passes. Anyone over 95 years of age should avoid operating a motor vehicle on these passes until June or July – Gladstone Search and Rescue.
Will buy one-cent stamps for a dime on the dollar. Let’s play post office! Elmer Glue, Jack’s Cabin.
Locked out of your car? We have furnished apartments for rent by the day or week. Towels and sheets slightly extra. Maybelle’s Sleeping Rooms, Indian Massacre Highway across from the Silver Spoon Rendering Plant. Maybelle’s is in no way associated with Ed’s Beds of Denver, Colorado.
Positions available: standing, sitting, kneeling and full recline. Send resume to Desk Jockeys International. We are your shadow feral government in action!
1000 gourmet sauces made exclusively of ketchup and ditchwater. Syd Fahrdt, Delta House.
MAKE BIG MONEY over the holidays stuffing olives, artichokes, peppers, turkeys, envelopes. Pimento Recyclers, on the sunny side of the street.
Strong-willed SWM seeks submissive SWF for Ping-pong interludes in my heated garage. I am interested in quiet walks, ice fishing and leaf collecting but I’m afraid to go outside. I’ve been told I’m good. Warren of Wexley, Whispering Pines, Ouray.
Will the person who stole my Lou Reed raincoat from the Tiny Tot Daycare Center please return it at once? If I catch you wearing it, I’ll cut you real bad – Flower.
Will stud tires, fix pets, administer hormone shots, arrange social encounters, ferment perfume, weld relationships, break horses, harass fur wearers, lie to creditors. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.
“Mother Was a Teenage Rastafarian” will be showing at the Uranium Drive-In until the world ends or further notice. Thank you.
I, Saint Nicholas, am no longer responsible for debts, private or public, incurred by Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle or The Jolly Old Elf in the presence of Zeus as of December 31, 2024 — Saint Nicholas, Nicosia, Cyprus.
Erotic laser gum massage by Sue. Weekdays by appointment. Box 3998, Horseshoe.
Older rancher seeks young woman to cook for 27 helpless sons, ranging from 16 to 44. Chores include feeding cows, shearing sheep, egg gathering, llama baiting, frog calling, fly swatting and horse catching. Could work into a lasting marriage with one or more of us. Private house trailer through the winter, then we’ll just see what happens. Happy McDuff, Cimarron South.
HUBCAPS FOR ANY OCCASION. Call Hubcap Johnny 1-800-999-3546. After hours call Johnny at home.
Got popcorn balls for Christmas? Call St. Roscoe’s Hospital if you have insurance.
Dukakis-Benson political trivia. T-shirts, bumper stickers, campaign buttons, ball caps and cheap jewelry. Still have some Walter Mondale Christmas hairspray and several Spiro Agnew holiday false teeth sets for next to nothing. Sorry but our MAGA hats still haven’t arrived from China. Bo the Balloonist.
Kittens for Christmas. $350 firm. We don’t have to tell you that the price will go up after December. Also parting out old, wet newspaper sports pages and used vacuum cleaner bags. No checks. No sales before noon. No tobacco chewers. 22774499225577 Road, Olathe. Honk first. We got mean dogs.
COME SEE a replica of the downtown Montrose business district this Christmas. Located two miles north of our South Townsend location. Wal-Mart Saving You Money!
The new Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will be heading south for the winter on December 31. Now’s the time to stock up. Ed will be in Ouray on December 19 and Crested Butte on December 26. Montrose and Gunnison in between. Happy Holidays!
WILL PREPARE POTATOES for you and your family over the holidays. Fried, poached, escalloped, baked, boiled, mashed, steamed, stewed, broiled, scrambled, twice-cooked, au gratin, and rehabilitated. The Eyes Have It, Spud Hill.
Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Maureen in Seattle.
Have you finally chosen the perfect group to hate? Have you zoned in and isolated one social class or ethnic mixture that can be blamed for all of society’s problems? You’re on the right track! We specialize in helping people just like you. Just send us your thoughts and we’ll send back a well versed thesis that backs up your bigotry with all kinds of facts, numbers, graphs and projections. Win those heated arguments at the dump or in the laundromat. Overwhelm your debate opponents with mounds of worthless data. How do you think the politicians do it time and time again? Be prepared! Send ideas to Opinion Bozos, Blind Box 007, Horseshoe.
LOW-CAL CHRISTMAS STAMPS RELEASED
(Denver) The United States Postal Service has announced plans to release some 400,000 low calorie Christmas stamps in time for the holidays. The stamps, featuring Santa Claus and other celebrated Yuletide icons, will be first-class and available at the window on December 31.
The stamps are a colorful bit of Americana, appropriate to the season and contain less than three calories. Customers who prowl the post office hallways have for long complained about health considerations when purchasing stamps. Of course, the benefits of the low-cal stamps are only apparent when one licks the back of them. A self-adhesive batch, mistakenly produced last month, will be saved for emergencies.
If the promotion is a success consumers should expect to be assaulted by a grand array of theme stamps throughout the year. Next up: Heart-shaped stamps for Valentines Day and 50-cent stamps for April Fools.
-Uncle Pahgre
