Author Archive for M. Toole
NEW MAIL SERVICE ESTABLISHED
(Silverton) An innovative mail service has been created here for people who absolutely do not want mail to get there overnight, according to postal officials.
Procrastination Parcel specializes in holding mail such as house payment checks, rent checks, utility payments and the like for up to three weeks, enabling the bumbler to cover his deadbeat posterior and not lose face with creditors or bounce checks.
“We’ve even lost mail for some of our patrons,” said Arlene Postino, inventor of the approach, “but that is only in extreme cases where bankruptcy or bodily threat is apparent.”
Other more positive mail such as bank deposits, personal letters and checks are generally forwarded at the regular time and are received in about two or three days said Postino.
Frustrating as the practice may be to collection agencies and debt services there is nothing illegal going on. Happy customers say it’s like dementia on amphetamines to the sender but more like credit on barbiturates to the receiving party.
“We asked the IRS, insurance companies and credit card concerns how they do it and they told us to proceed,” said Postino. “All of these agencies drag their butts when it comes to refunds and that’s really all we’re doing on a much smaller scale.”
Postino suggests that negatively affected parties look into suing someone or another, and refrain from calling her at home after lunch.
A sister program aimed at people who do not wish to receive mail is in the works as are space ship tours of Mars, global diaspora and a fix for the Mideast.
– Oral Waters
Strange monoliths continue to spring up
Monoliths like this one continue to show up all over the Rockies. The refined pillars of stone, or sometimes brick, arrive with no baggage or clear origin. NASA and more clandestine federal agencies have remained closed mouthed on the issue blaming incendiary artists, sculptural anarchists and hermits who live in caves for the odd, vertical monuments. Local residents are warned to check their yards and pastures for intrusions or suspicious behavior on the part of neighbors or livestock.
RASPUTIN HELD IN DANBURY PRISON
A modern day Grigori Rasputin is lurking in one of the nation’s finest prisons tonight in Danbury Connecticut. Stephen K. Bannon arrived at his new digs yesterday with a four-month all-inclusive reservation compliments of the United States government.
Like a recharged mafia bagman he continues to elevate his chosen gods while denouncing those who do not follow his prescription for a better world, with a newly forged America in the driver’s seat. Other convicts say he dictates to minions from his cell, using Rasterschlüssel 44, a cipher the Nazis successfully employed in world War II.
Rasputin at least washed his hair every six months in Lake Ladoga, breaking the ice for his vernal rinse.
For those who don’t recognize the name, Rasputin was the mysterious “Mad Monk” who surfaced during the twilight of Czar Nicholas II, in the shadows of the Russian Revolution. History tells us he had critical influence at the royal court in St. Petersburg especially with the Czarina Alexandra. He was the royal healer turned political confidant.
Rasputin cemented his relationship with the czar and czarina by supposedly alleviating the suffering of their only son and heir, Alexei, who had hemophilia, a rare disorder in which blood doesn’t properly clot.
While we realize most most MAGAs don’t know that name, we are compelled to draw stark similarities of the two personalities, behavior exhibited on and off stage. These same persons are quite familiar with Stephen K..
Bannon was sentenced to 4-months for defying a Congressional Subpoena with regards to the January 6 Trump-induced insurrection. He is loyal for now, a lot like Rasputin had been.
The pilgrim holy man was murdered by wealthy Russian nobles concerned that his sway with the Romanovs, and his continued presence was a threat to the Empire. Although the details of his foggy demise are sketchy, historians recount more than five attempts on his life before he was found floating, badly battered, in the Neva River.
His death enraged the peasantry, heralding in the Russian Revolution and eventually the Bolshevik takeover by Lenin and his cronies. His spooky prediction, that if the royal family deserted him the Czar and his family would soon be gone, came true.
Bannon has never washed his hair fearing that it will affect his genius and threaten the macho image he has tried so hard to create.
Bannon, for his part has had remarkable clout with the orange-haired, Czar Wannabe. He is equally as creepy as Rasputin and needs shampooing. He is defiant at every turn, his real motivation often clouded and suspicious even to allies, who see him as a savior on his mighty steed ready to lead the charge.
“There’s not a prison built or jail built that will ever shut me up,” he bragged recently.
Bannon is also facing criminal charges in New York state court alleging he duped donors who gave money to build a wall along the U.S. southern border. He has pleaded not guilty to money laundering, conspiracy, fraud and other charges. That trial has been postponed until at least the end of September.
“The holy man is he who takes your soul and will and makes them his. When you choose your holy man, you surrender your will. You give it to him in utter submission, in full renunciation.” –Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
Churches, Liquor Stores Competing for Salvation
(Manapew) Local churches and liquor stores remain neck-in-neck when it comes to implied comforts and financial profits in the salvation business. Although the economic horizon remains clouded, profits are up for both parties who offer distinctly different paths toward eternal peace.
According to the most recent figures, people here in the big ol’ buckle of the Bible Belt are still spending more money in the church pews than in the liquor aisles, but only slightly. With the summer raging on, a shift toward what sociologists call creeping recreational thirst may have a major impact on seasonal statistics. Whether these otherwise right field stats are hinged to morality or simply a matter of convenience no one knows.
A large control group, comprised of boozers in the pews, has yet to be introduced into the equation, making most conclusions irrelevant anyway.
Sources in the liquor industry as well as those affiliated with the temples of good news refused comment when tallied. Pagan groups have yet to return our surveys.
“Data is streaming out the window and head counts replace science,” explained one surly bean counter from her cubicle Thursday. Get everyone whatever they are drinking and let’s get down to some good ol’ preachin’.”
Social scientists contend that human nature can be chronicled through good and bad times by daily activity that seeks release and meaning. They add that providing simple answers to the eternal questions regarding metaphysics and sobriety are often enough to herd frightened people into camps that offer temporary relief from life’s stressful moments.
Many say that a combination of philosophies might do the trick while others see the two roads as highly incompatible.
“Often the guilt associated with organized religion propels the sinner toward the sin,” said another controversial study. “Too much Coors Lite and too much Jesus generally set the stage for disaster.”
“Moderation is the key,” say the experts. “The problem is that most of us can’t even find the door.”
-Alfalfa Romero
“Give us all a short, tall one.”
– G. Roscoe Lovingood, No Delay Bar, Montrose, CO July, 1978.
AYN RAND RETURNS?
A woman claiming to be the author, Ayn Rand allegedly appeared to shepherds on Corkscrew Pass this morning asking for water and directions to Ouray. She was accompanied by a Russian Wolfhound and wearing an ill-fitting pair of bib overalls said to be the property of John Galt, a character in one of her novels.
“We didn’t know what to make of the visit since none of us knew who she was and what she looked like,” said one herdsman. “She shrugged it off and explained her connection to Red Mountain and Saint Germain in particular.
Later, half-way through a bottle of plum wine she referenced shark-barrel economics through the rose-colored glasses of objectivism and encouraged the shepherds to invest their money wisely, since personal credibility is strongly linked to one’s financial success.
“She claims to have returned from the dead, continued the herdsman. She told us there is no heaven and certainly no hell.”
“They are here inside your punkin head,” she had laughed. “The afterlife is is very disappointing even to an atheist. There is not much, only miles and miles of empty handicapped parking spaces.”
Inmates in a nearby Trump camp have come out to support Ayn…MAGA sheep too are big fans of her selfish and debauched philosophies… that hoard while negating the big picture. Many even see her as a viable running mate for their beloved.
Meanwhile local Democrats worry that President Biden cannot even beat a failed gangster who, if elected, may have to rely on work release so as to come visit the Oval Office.
-Tommy Middlefinger
“Yeah, just make up the bed, get rid of these bottles and send the boy for another jug of rum.”
– Fred Zeppelin, waking up in a strange hotel room sumultaneously surviving the mid-day heat at Praia Criacao, Trancoso, Bahia, Brasil
