Author Archive for M. Toole

Quiet Observations

Martian Travel Benefit: Apollo National Park on the Moon

With the establishment of the new Apollo National Park on the Moon it should be easier to travel to Mars according to Jetpack Carriers, a pioneer transport service specializing in all-inclusive cosmic ventures into the great beyond. Jetpack, which will begin full service flights to Mars in November, says the preliminary taming of the lunar orbit satellite, will give travelers a host of options when cruising outer space.

“The trip to Mars can be exhausting and tremendously tedious if a person is not prepared for the experience. The opening of a National Park on the moon offers a safety net or failsafe where people can get out of the shuttle, stretch their legs and have a look around.”

The round-trip cost for the journey starts at $1.3 million, which includes chemical meals in clever packaging and in-flight films. Interest in one-way trips has spiked recently with many potential passengers eager to “get off the grid and rid themselves of the stress of earth-bound routines” according to Jetpack.

Kim Jong-un Having Trouble Getting Dates

(Pyongyang) Korean news sources intimate that Dear Leader, Kim Jong-un has been experiencing a downturn in his social life after ordering the execution of a former girlfriend, Hyon Song-wol, a well-known Korean performer with the Unhasu Orchestra. Hyon, who was accused of breaking domestic pornography laws, was the victim of a firing squad that took an estimated dozen lives. Most of the others killed were members of the Wanghaesan Light Music Band.

Whether Kim will rebound from his social snafu was not discussed however many here say he will be back on the dating trail by the weekend. Many potential partners are afraid to say no to the Korean dictator and don’t dare answer the phone. Others reportedly dream of a date so as to get a decent meal in the starving country. The sources did not dwell on the leader’s charms, calling him “quite a catch” even though he is currently married to Ri Sol-ju, who had objected to the high profile of the ex-girlfriend.

“It is not known if these murders will undermine the dapper god-king’s efforts to woo the women of North Korea,” said one South Korean mouthpiece, “but it certainly can’t help come Saturday night.”

Many Zombies Sticking Around After Film

(Montrose) An alarming number of zombies and assorted extras say they are planning to relocate to Montrose after a positive experience filming a major sequel of the popular movie “I Am Alone” in the Western Colorado city. Of the 50 or so zombies taking part in the filming most told The Horseshoe that they hope to stay here.

“It all comes down to jobs and there aren’t all that many good ones to be had,” said one of the Walking Dead, sipping a zombie downtown yesterday. “Sometimes quality of life is more important than money and we have a powerful support group quickly forming in these environs.

Zombies, thought to be corpses brought back to life by witchcraft, generally led productive lives and often blend in with the local population. Many are attracted to the shadows of the urban arena yet others prefer the wide-open spaces.

The city of Montrose, in keeping with bullying practices toward small business within its confines, has announced that it will hire 200 more police officers to head-off disturbances. Readers may recall an upsurge in the zombie population in Delta after Attack of the Vegan Zombies was shot there in 1997. After marked concern on the part of authorities there it became apparent that zombies and regular humans could co-exist even though compatibility was in question when the days grew shorter.

– Jack Spratt

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”  – Fred Allen

Homeless Trout Annoying This Summer

Gangs of the fish had begun congregating on the Gunnison River near Dos Rios Golf Club looking for a handout, and often looking for trouble as well.

The expected closure of the Roaring Judy Trout Hatchery could put as many as 40,000 unemployed trout on the street by creating a nightmare for police and social workers not to mention innkeepers and restaurateurs who are already overbooked for the season.

Insiders at the state level say the decision to shut down the longtime hatchery could be due to any number of things.

“Lots of time bureaucrats just spin the globe and point to an area that they want to fool with,” said Sal Mann of  Kebler Trout and Kokanee Services.

“It could be that some bored pencil pusher had a bad time on the Slate River last month or even something as silly as a jilted romance with a woman named Judy. It’s  astounding what goes on at the higher levels.”

-Small Mouth Bess

“21st Century religion is lacking in substance, spirituality, and dominated by control, fear and fairy tales. I long for the days when the Celtic warrior returned to his grand hall to praise his gods, the blood of his enemies still dripping from his heavy sword.”      – Finn McCool

How to deal with woodsy pests

If you are visiting our charmed sector this summer you may find yourself besieged by a variety of friendly yet bothersome creatures. These can be classified as pests. Some buzz you before the frontal assault and then sit back and laugh (Have you ever heard a hornet laugh?) as the victim breaks out in itches or welts on the exposed ankle, leg or forearm.
Some pests cruise the attic in the middle of the night like rodent bowlers, the last celebrants on a winning team. Larger varieties, when startled, eat people on hiking trails, but only on occasion and only on when the berries and maggots aren’t readily available.
Actually Western Colorado does not have so many pests compared to a paradise such as Louisiana or Arkansas, where critters rule the roost. Dangerous snakes are rare, scorpions, like lepers of old, live in secluded colonies and we just signed a non-aggression pact with the mosquitos.
Even the ferocious Bearded Mushroom Constrictor, common the flatlands of New Mexico and Arizona, has not shown its flushed, tiny face in this country, other than to secure provisions, since breakfast came in a tube.
Without sounding pretentious, this site would like to share with you some of the local, and often starkly primitive ways of dealing with these animal-induced inconveniences.

WOOD TICKS – If you happen to notice a wood tick or, for that matter, a non-wood tick crawling your arm or leg do not attempt to remove it by flicking it or smashing it like a common housefly. These parasites are far too smart for that. These must be removed by flame, a cigarette, or alcohol. Any other solution will cause the bastards to bury their tiny, filthy heads into your skin. Then they just hang out until you get lime disease or Rocky Mountain Fever. The merciless disease is particularly ravaging within the white, urban, granola backpacking set that make up 87% of the visitors to the forest in summer. Another Mother Earth approach is to sneak up on the tick and yell loudly into its ear. This causes them to back out of the burrow and flee the scene.
BEARS – The only menacing bear to be found in Colorado is the Grizzly, which doesn’t exist here unless you see one in the woods. Black bear, which make up most of the bruin roster, are generally docile enough but in reality they are bored and often consider frightening a two-legged geek to be a valid pastime. If a bear gets to close do not make eye contact and attempt to make yourself seem larger (like many of the visitors walking around down in town) and make a lot of noise. If this doesn’t work…stand your ground. If that doesn’t work run like hell.
MARMOTS – Although not technically pests these whistle pigs can be an annoyance near your house during an eclectic storm when they attempt forced entry for fear of the lightening. Often they will volunteer to do yard work after the deluge. The truth is that they won’t pick up so much as a leaf and will scatter into the mountains the moment your back is turned. Considered cute by the uninitiated these little woodchucks enjoy climbing into the engine compartment of a new four-wheel-drive and eating all the rubber hoses. Not to be confused with moose which are larger.
HUMMINGBIRDS – Only God knows why anyone would go out and spend up to $50 on a plastic hummingbird feeder, specifically designed to attract these hyper, winged neurotics to their porch or patio. A favored way to ditch hummingbirds is to mix ½ and ½ vodka and sugar water in their feeders. After a few stops the birds either avoid the area altogether or become regulars and lapse into retelling the story of their life or the day’s misfortunes. DO NOT GIVE THEM A BAR TAB. Do these flamboyant travelers really piggyback on Canadian geese? Some of us would pay good money for a photo of this behavior.
MOSQUITOS – Maybe the sleeper of the group the female mosquito can pass on malaria, encephalitis and other potentially devastating diseases without so much as disturbing your sleep, turning over the freezer or trampling the garden. Only the mosquito, and not even the treacherous no-see-em Zancudo, has a net named after it. Mosquitos are universally considered its and they don’t much like that. The experienced woodsman knows to quickly bring up their presence in camp conversation. They hate being talked about. Whispering, laughing and pointing at the mosquito works as well as expensive repellent. Offended buzzers will most likely find another victim rather than be humiliated. Fortunately mosquitos do not bite fools or schizophrenics.

– Marianne Mace

Heat Waves Drive Millions to Beach

You too can beat the heat in Bahia. Just be careful not to melt. (Toole Photo Service)

Dog Rental Biz Booming in Butte

from The Butte Beagle – June 25, 2012

by Estelle Marmotbreath

Everywhere one sees people walking dogs…All shapes and sizes of dogs…and not just in Totem Pole Park or Bad Dog Alley either but on patios and in alleyways up and down Elk Avenue. Sometimes it’s tough to tell who owns whom or better yet…why a canine companion is part of the welcome wagon disaster for refugees from the growing population, desperate to reconnect with nature while living in a remote alpine city

Renting a dog is easy and fun. A visitor to the town can hire an escort of sorts and better fit in to a place gone dog-happy decades ago. Today there are no less than seven dog rental agencies operating in Gunnison and Hinsdale Counties and all are anticipating a strong fiscal showing in the second quarter.

“Small, happier dogs are the rage now and should finish well into the next two month span. Seasons change along with trends which go a long way toward dictating behavior on the street,” said Dag Katz, owner of pioneer Doggie No Bite Canine Rental, recognized as the father of the dog rental profession. “We offer all sorts of dogs since the weather up here is very kind to them. No fleas,” he said.

“Of course when winter returns we will be beset with requests for Huskies, Malamutes  and a Saint Bernard or two…the usual large, snow maniac/fireplace decoration. We should be taking delivery on out winter line any day now,” he fretted. “I just hope they get the sizes and colors straight.”

The expenses mount up to include training, nurturing and grooming as well as feeding, shots, collars, dishes and kennels.

“A person can spend a fortune feeding dogs in the off-season,” but without a secure staff in place we cannot handle demand during the high visitor months. Our dogs are good,” he smiled.

After six weeks of stringent obedience school each of our canines earns an associate degree in hospitality studies. All have mastered hand gestures, travel in the rear of pickups, fetch, howling at the moon and sitting outside bars for hours waiting for the most important person on earth to emerge from his darkened hole.

Fees run from $200 per day for more exotic breeds while an average “townie” brings $45. All have grown up here under the harsh totalitarian leash laws, but otherwise stressless environs. Be advised: If you have your heart set on a Golden Retriever on a Saturday in the summer you had better book well in advance.

Most encounters are pleasant although Katz recalls an episode when a otherwise gentle male German Shepherd named Z-Max kept a family of 4 at bay in the entryway when it became clear that they had neglected to return from the restaurant with a treat bag for Z-Max.

“They could be there still for all we know,” laughed Katz. “Usually my dogs can sniff out a turkey in the beginning. Imagine the rudeness of returning empty-handed to the lair. I think Z-Max felt like a cheap whore.”

And now, right on the heels of advancements in dog hair repellent Katz has announced a new line of pooper bags that are purchased outright by the environmentally conscious consumer.

“They are made of strong, bio-degradable dog poop and no, we don’t want them returned to us,” said Katz, turning serious for a moment.             

– Felix la Gnat

A HIKER’S GUIDE TO HIKERS

with Melvin O’Toole

     One of the most dangerous threats to hikers on our mountain trails is other hikers. From National Forest to State Park, from Wilderness Area to mountain peak, growing numbers of hiking and backpacking enthusiasts are creating perilous conditions for themselves, for you and for posterity.

In a natural outdoor situation it is essential to identify various types of hikers, so that you might better understand how to interact with them, or get away from them altogether. Avoidance of certain species of incompatible hikers (called trekkers in more anal circles) may save your life or save you from an afternoon of unremitting anguish.

Learn to spot all kinds of hikers from a safe distance, identify them with rapid-fire accuracy, and be prepared to take evasive action to avoid detection and/or direct contact, “No I don’t want a drink of tepid creek water from your saliva-caked water bottle. I have my own cold water from town, sans parasites, safe here in my designer bottle.”

Here are some of the more common categories of hikers. The well-rounded woodsman will be quick to assimilate these classifications into a early warning system of his or her own:

The Elegant Hiker

Able to negotiate steep, winding San Juan switchbacks in high heels and a cute tennis skirt the female looks good on short hikes but the make-up fails on the longer jaunts. Characteristic markings: jewelry glittering from the fingers, earlobes and neck along with the perfect unruffled hairstyle are sure to attract predators such as mountain lions and even bandits.

In some cases the male dons priceless treasures too since he is concerned with plumage and first impressions in the woods. Both ascend and descend the trails like ballrooms, as if they were negotiating a grand staircase in a Yvonne de Carlo film from the 40s. (Apparently Rhett they do give a damn). Head held up high in designer boots, they fail to study the path before them for all kinds of debris both dangerous and simply annoying. These are the kind of people who are appalled by a pile of elk shit but aren’t the least bit offended by miles of parking lot asphalt poured over former pasture, at their local shopping center.

NOTE: The Elegant Hiker NEVER ever perspires. In a hiking costume that costs more than a used car, they keep up if it’s not too steep and breathe deep if it’s not too high. Mountain Goats and Bighorn Sheep are safe when one of these comes gingerly up the trail. Bears love the cheap jewelry. These hikers are likely to invite you to party at their loft and often carry credit cards on their hikes.

The Slob Hiker

The perfect antidote, or anecdote, to the Elegant Hiker. The Slob Hiker is perpetually unshaven, grimy, uncombed and in need of a shower. He or she thinks bad hygiene is compatible with the forest. His gait is heavy, a stomping, assertive, destructive stride patterned after Godzilla or an oil exploration crew. He appears to have just awakened from a long hibernation and smells the part. Trailside wild flowers are often his first victims.

White t-shirt and canvas shorts are tinged gray with wear and age. Grease-stained handprints are clearly detected. This type of forest visitor can be identified by a strange call, a hoarse bellowing that sounds tragically like a badger in heat, which could lead to countless tribulations as the hike goes on. He loves to chatter to himself on the trail breaking serenity for others while he points out painfully obvious points of interest.

“Look! A pine tree!” or “Look… A rock!” He pees everywhere. This hiker is loaded with spittle which is discharged constantly, leaving signs of his presence embraced by pack rats and deer flies. The Slob Hiker is happy to take your picture or pose for one. Watch your camera.

The Survivalist Hiker

This one would never think of breaking trail without an assault rifle or at least a pistol holstered to the side. High caliber is the key here…not his person but his weaponry. His pack is full of ammo and he has a K-ration granola bar hidden away in case of emergency. He carries a knife or bayonet for potential hand-to-hand combat with aggressive alpine creatures or topographic terrorists.

Difficult to detect due to a barrage of camouflage that blends well in any environment – be it the Iraq desert, the Congo rain forest, the Rockies or the chic El Lay hip-hop disco, this person carries enough to win whatever competition he has imagined. He has provisions and supplies enough to feed a small militia along with buried emergency rations and backup gear to keep him comfy in the forest for about three years. Then there is the cyanide pill in case he or she is captured.

Away from his bunker he is often anxious and clearly nervous when approached. He can be unpredictable and downright ugly when it comes to right-of-way on the trail and electric storms on the ridges. Paranoid people like this should not go into the woods. They should stay home in the cities and suburbs where the secret police can monitor their daily activity.

The Name Brand Hiker

Easily recognized due to his or her resemblance to a pretty  LL Bean or Eddie Bauer model from the respective catalogues, the Name Brand hiker should not be confused with the Elegant Hiker although the species share many irritating, albeit common traits. The manufacturers label is always proudly displayed on clothing, footwear, gear, hats and even socks. A T-shirt proclaiming Old Navy, Nike or GAP completes the outfit.

Rarely seen on the actual trail, this hiker prefers to stay home, read shallow outdoor magazines and shop on the internet. Name Brand hikers also exhibit the best smiles, the best tan, the best canteens, the best dogs and the best cars to take them to the trailhead. Their Day-Glo packs are crammed full of unnecessary but tasteful accessories along with clothing options for any change of weather.

These mountainy strollers can be easily identified by two unmistakeable traits: They are the only ones wearing fanny packs (apparently nobody has let them in on the joke) and they actually consume boring handfuls of trail mix, chocked full of nuts, seeds, roots, bark, herbs and dried fruit that even the local squirrels and trail chipmunks won’t eat. Some of these folks are marginally valuable, more informed than experienced in that they have read the guidebooks and perused local topo maps.

The Back-woodsy Hiker

Aka: The Ascender, this hearty breed not only tackles the most challenging, death-defying trails and summits but does so with a minimalist demeanor. He or she can spend up to a week in the wild with just a bottle of water, a toothbrush and some crackerjacks. He climbs in flip-flops or barefoot, running circles around the hiker that just spent $300 on some glorified flatland Chinese footwear, made for the mountains.

He could repel off a sharp cliff in Kansas or stare down a Grizzly on Bienville Street.

He welcomes the feel of rocks, pine needles and horse manure on the trail. When he wears a shirt it is a bit of tattered memorabilia from some masochistic triathlon in Leadville or Maui.

If he wears trousers, they are of the cut-off variety with lots of room to hang loose. Not to be confined by packed gear he or she relies solely on wits, finesse and luck. For the evenings this backwoods species carries a Swiss Army knife, a pair of backup thongs, a few waterproof matches and a bota bag filled with homemade wine.

He can then subsist on the trail mix and water all day then let it all hang out in camp by adding wine to the fare. With this beverage he can survive another few days, with no serious after-effects, when the crackerjacks and toothpaste run out.

Helpful in a tight spot but likely to leave you behind. Always has the answer, or at least a light.