Author Archive for M. Toole
Ancient Chicken or The Egg Controversy Turns Ugly
(East Egg Yolk) What was once a friendly discussion as to the origins of a species has turned into a loony turf battle pitting armed gangs of bandy roosters bent on ruffling feathers, clucking away as to the beginnings of the speicies.
A historically conservative and hesitant agriculture corner has always remained off the grid when it comes to tedious questions and answers about origins, destinations and organic fertilizers The cyclical nature of all that grows and prospers has always dominated thought down on the farm, but now old wounds and resentments are forefront.
“These disturbances indicate much more serious cracks in the system,” said Isa Brown, a Rhode Island Red from Beak Peek Poultry in Pinkyville. “Frankly I’m shocked at the behavior of many of our birds. I thought they didn’t give a hoot about highbrow primitive theories and technical aspects of the order of evolution.”
With even the opinionated hen houses (read: female gangs) joining in the fray, turning over cars, starting fires, and refusing to sit for the long hours of incubation, they avoid direct conflict preferring to engage in a clucking guerrilla war. Already small cadres have left calling cards at grocery stores, fast food locations and petting zoos. These radicals are threatening to shut down the egg industry unless the grand question (chicken or egg arrival) is answered.
The two armed camps appear to be licking wounds this afternoon preparing for more disturbances after dark. Both groups are demanding that their school of thought be the acknowledged explanation for the arrival of the chicken or the egg . No chicken wants to hear from other chickens unless they are of comparable thought.
“One must understand that this ain’t no Penny Penny drama here,” continued Brown, face contorted, eyes in fear. We have surpassed the smoothing feathers phase, cackling for an end to the ancient controversy. “Ain’t nobody brooding with all these distractions. Consumers will be paying more for eggs unless there is some solution acceptable to all sides,” he winced.
Hardboiled elements on both sides of the yolk claim that the only way to decide the issue is by force. They insist that the hapless chicken population would undoubtedly continue to wallow in ignorance unless jolted severely.
“This entire mismanagement of science makes us look stupid,” said Red Jungle-Fowl, a genetically altered “I don’t recall this controversy rising with in the herds, primates or even the lizards, and we’re not asking the proverbial question as to why anyone (man or chicken) crossed any road. That’s another issue altogether,” he smiled.
An estimated 16,000 eggs have been peeled since the gangs charged out of the coop last year. Over 200,000 have been displaced and the troubles appear to be idling in the infant stages. Meanwhile principals complain that they are reduced to walking on egg shells.
– Tommy Middlefinger
10 Commandments in the Vieux Carre
Hey der boo. Sure I lived near the Crescent City up river in Saint Charles Parish but I worked in the Quarter. Bartenders see everything—all that’s pretty and some what ain’tand miraculously I gained 23 pounds in six months in the process…living to eat rather than eating to live?
We had plenty of morality there, at least in the daytime, without posting it on the wall.
Today vote sucking charlatans like Governor Jeff Landry have created a controversy where one did not exist. Most Americans see these ancient Judea tablets as a clear and moral way to live. They hold their value. Jesus Christ had nothing to do with the issuance of the Ten Commandments, unless one wants to equate the two so as to convince the frightened and easily manipulated to put money in the collection basket or votes in a ballot box.
Most people who flap their lips about religion harbor something to hide. Yeah Boudreaux.
First, there are two books. The Old Testament and the New Testament. They are in severe conflict as to the right way to live. The Old Testament is not Christian. Jesus turned these 10 laws sideways substituting love for eye for an eye and the wrath of an angry god. His johnny-come-lately apostles concocted the newer hearsay version based on recollections aimed at controlling the human savages prevalent at the time: Don’t eat pork. You have no way of keeping it from rotting. It will kill you. You don’t even know how to keep ice.
Simultaneously, but please not too early in the morning, the Vieux Carre or French Quarter, wakes up to beignets and coffee with just enough chicory to give a legitimate wallop of confederate caffeine and sugar (read: suga). A cold Dixie won’t hurt you in the morning before a spicy treat of shrimp and boudin gumbo or crawfish etouffee heralds in a humid afternoon.
Quarter has its own rules, social order and etiquette…a moral code if you will that is as strict and all-encompassing as words on a tablet presented to Moses and maybe even Thor or Zeus. Just ax Abraham.
1. I am your choice of many gods and good conscience, who delivered you from Canal Street and the Irish Channel. Thou shall pass a good time while you are here.
2. Thou shalt not bend down and worship idols such as the Saints and the Tigers. Punishment for the sins of the parents will be handed down to third and fourth draft picks will be those who defy these laws. Generations will suffer the anger of a jealous god with forfeiture of recruits and donations from the well-heeled Tulane alumni over across Lake Pontchartrain.
3. Thou shalt not use vulgar language at Brennan’s, Antoines, Deanie’s, Molly’s on the Market, Pat O’Brien’s or the Napoleon House. Save your curses for Bienville and Basin Street and dark, unmarked alley bars on Frenchman Street (to the discretion of the bartender).
4. Remember where to get free drinks and food for happy hour. The seventh day is the official day of rest and must be kept moist. What you do with the other days is your own business: Makin’ groceries or Fais do-do. The earth was created in seven nights at 80-proof. Slidell wasn’t built in a day. Metairie took at least week.
5. Honor your Big Chief neighbor and his kick-boxing brother so that you may live long in the land of the Wild Tchoupitoulas. The Cities of the Dead have no vacancy. Burials below sea level make shark bait in the Gulf.
6. Thou shalt not swill (or spill). Eat mo’ betta! Try a vegan Po’ Boy.
7. Thou shalt act like an adult in coonass encounters unless you have a better idea or a big bucket of oysters to share.
8. Thou shall not deal. Remember that you are still in Louisiana and cannabis is illegal. Thou shalt not keel over, congeal (in the weather) or peel in public. (Mardis Gras excluded). Go cups are a nickel and always keep your money in your front pocket.
9. Thou shalt not give false testimony on such sacrosanct subjects as Marie Laveau, second-line, safe pirogue steering, Admiral Farragut, yard kids, chank-chank, Yankees in the wood pile or recipes for crawfish bisque.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wrought-iron balcony, male or female servant, his ox or donkey or his seat at the bar.
– Regala May a Dixie
“A bayou is just a swamp with a college education.” (with apologies to Mark Twain)
Take Your Base, I’ll Take Mine
A Critical Analysis of the National Sport
by Quentin Parquay, Royal Legion of Sport
(Editor’s note: Mr. Parquay, a literary critic with The London World and former fellow at Oxford University, has been dedicated enough to sit through rain delays, extra-inning games and traffic jams so as to compose this international peek at baseball in 2024. Although well versed, drifting from Kahlil Gibran to Oscar Wilde, Parquay admits he possesses a limited knowledge of the game having experienced his first contest only last week.
The following expose is reprinted from The Hamilton Hemorrhoid, a well- respected, often painful British sports bulletin. It has appeared Steamboat Magazine. With any luck the following might alleviate the frustration of Rockies’ fans, at least in a theatrical sense. (They say William Shakespeare could never hit the high curve.)
Baseball: 1.) a game played with a bat and a ball by two opposing teams of nine players, each team playing alternately in the field and at bat. The players at bat, after hitting the ball in fair territory must then run a course of up to four bases laid out in a diamond pattern in an attempt to score runs. 2.) a questionable competition of North American origin that promotes bad language, hooky, jawing, bad manners, superstitiousness and the spitting/chewing of tobacco. 3.) the ball used in the game of baseball.
My interest in the field of baseball began when I first ran across “Casey at the Bat” in 1990. Although the epic poem had been around for decades it had not circulated through the offices of a man who dissects playwrights and Gothic novelists. I hope the following will be entertaining to the reader and beneficial to the fringe fans and the arts as well.
THE FAN
We Brits cannot afford to be critical of abhorrent fan behavior after the escapades of our cohorts at most football (soccer) matches from Cornwall to Kent. The counterpart American aficionado is actually quite calm and well behaved compared to the football fanatic. He only becomes dangerous toward the late innings after drinking cup after cup of overpriced light beer.
The aesthetic distance between the audience and the main characters is of special interest to anyone wooed by the theater. The left field character, for instance, is closer to the audience and can be more objective about how his lines are perceived in the grandstands. The thrower (pitcher) cannot gather this same kind of feedback. The audience however is well in earshot of various asides mouthed by fielders and the funny-dressed men behind fourth base that you call home plate.
The fan is most often in sympathy with one team or the other. He is most vocal at points of tension between singular characters or sometimes with entire groups of players. He is prone to embracing myths and often makes references to the supernatural as he metaphysically munches on hot dogs with onions and mustard and burnt peanuts, salted in the shell. His metaphors can be figurative, trite and/or utterly classic. His hyperbole is common only to the colonies. In later innings the fan gets swept up in the flow of dramatic monologue that results in comic relief or didactic tragedy.
THE CHARACTERS
Reflecting on the scene behind home plate we see one over-dressed character (the catcher) that carries with him a host of mandatory duties. He must not only catch the ball each time it is flung at him, but he must field difficult “pop flies”, cover his base, backup first base and throw down to second in the event of an attempted steal attempt. (We will discuss thefts and squeezes later in this article). While there is little morality involved in the steal, the catcher is often measured by his pinpoint response to the instant plot. In the local vernacular we hear fans loudly encouraging this catcher to “gun him down” or “nail him with a low throw”. This should not be taken as anything violent. The successful application of these throws and tags can often bring down the curtain for an inning.
The catcher’s associate behind the plate is called the umpire, a living allegory who attempts to impose his own doctrine. This dark character converts acceptable language into persuasive, tight, one-syllable chants with the sacred narrative “Steeerike, Bawww or Yurooout!”. Otherwise most of the communication is in sign language that is reminiscent of Shakespeare that holds the audience in awe.
Amusing reaction to the umpire often dwells on King Lear’s cry: “Thou hast eyes to see…and see not!”
The rest of the extras dress alike so much that it lends an eerie, almost robotic essence to the performance. Each of the two reams is represented by wearing its own costume. It is within the professional ranks that we find strong connection to ancient bestiaries and ethnic euphemisms with names like “Tigers, Cubs, Braves and Giants”. On the local level this practice has been methodically embraced. Long socks may represent the desire to return to simpler days while “softball” fashions clearly illustrate a yearning for a
modernistic, almost impressionist, rendezvous with the keystone future. Significant action generally soils the players’ costumes but adds a delightful descent from the loftiness of pre-game ceremonies.
THE PLOT
Everything happening on the diamond is synchronized into nine innings where one team tries to outscore the other by whatever means available during the scenes that add up to an act. The two teams could play an eternity if the thing reaches extra innings. Imagine a summer day and a pastoral scene in right field where a player is responsible for catching the ball before it hits the ground, then hurling it back into the infield (main stage). He must do this before any players “tag up” and make their way around all four bases and off the set and backstage into the dugout. If the ball is caught cleanly the acting batter is out and has no further lines until he comes up to the plate again in two or three innings. If the fielder misses the ball the hitter gains access to any number of bases while other supporting cast scores runs. The clumsy fielder is often then seen as a goat. Continued performances of this quality will often result in an understudy placed in his position.
The main actor and navigator of the plot is the pitcher since he initiates the action. He delivers his lines while perched on a pompous little hill 60 feet (18.3 meters) from the batter’s box. He throws a variety of pitches to the catcher aimed at confusing, overpowering and terrifying the man with the stick (bat) in his hand. The umpire then watches closely as curves, sliders and fastballs cause negative capability of the part of the person trying to make contact (with a rounded bat) with the little spinning ball. Some of these pitches exceed 100 miles (or 161 kilometers) per hour. The fastball coupled with an array of sneaky pitches often causes the batter to pop up, ground out or strike out (signified by K for some unknown reason). These activities in no way represent literary onomatopoeia since there is no sound emanating from the ball as it travels to the plate. The onomatopoeia magically occurs when the ball slams into the squatting, supporting actor’s round, oversized glove. Here we see the frontline struggle by the designated protagonist to stifle the antagonist by making contact with a fiery sphere chucked in the direction of his head and vital body parts. It is here that we see another character, the manager, wheel out onto the field angered by the exposition of the background.
THE SET
The set can be universal as well as specific to baseball. The only props are the three bases and the plate, the walls, the mound, the backstop, the dugouts (2) and the scoreboard. The size of the stage varies greatly from set to set but is always characterized by white lines that protrude from home plate to the first or third bases. These are the symbols of the action. It is the actor who brings it all into perspective.
During my last sports melodrama the hero was a young pitcher for the Colorado Rockies. His saga was one of ever-increasing pathos. He quickly extended his poetic license by hurling a “loaded up” ball at the batter’s head. Soon after he balked, a clear sign that he neglected to prepare his lines before taking the stage. By the end of the inning he had reached absurd capacities in low comedy by allowing three other actors to reach untenable positions without exiting the stage. The tone of the play then becomes one of anticipation, bordering on anxiety. The guilt-ridden child actor is sent away by his rigid master to a place called the Minors that was never described by Dante or even the unholy angels. Each summer pantomime contains endless and simultaneous dramas with characters intact. It is this mysterious show and tell that stimulates the lifelong fans of the game. How appropriate in both a literary and mirthful sense. Play Ball!
“The check’s in the mayo.” – famous promise in Dixie.
Tourists Warned of Dry Water This Summer
(Telluride) Visitors to Western Colorado are reminded that despite the comparatively low threat of forest fire this season that local water will remain dryer than normal. Although not particularly noticeable at first, tourists who repeatedly drink or bathe with it will begin to detect low moisture counts and may even encounter instant evaporation syndrome.
“No one is at risk,” said water wizard Syd Fahrdt, who has been catching rain illegally around these parts since 1912. “It’s not like the water will hurt you. It’s just that the water is chronically dry.”
Persons who insist on drinking bottled water should continue to do so while others, who bathe once a day, could notice slight skin irritation due to general dryness.
Although the water content of local water is stable at 100% and the stuff looks the same to the naked eye it will be months before researchers can determine any side effects associated with living on the planet.
“The streams and rivers here still support the same aquatic life as before and the toilets still flush on command,” said Fahrdt. “The fire department confirms a healthy success ratio putting out small blazes with the water too. In reality we don’t expect problems. It just that we have nothing else to do over here at the water works and we love to be quoted in the papers.”
Fahrdt concluded by saying there was no truth whatsoever in rumors that the dust, which often plagues the area in the summer, will be wetter than usual and that the sun will fall from the sky sometime in August.
– Small Mouth Bess
“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.” – Katherine Hepburn
Black will not replace Biden for next debate say Ranking Dems
Is Warshington Burning?
Suggestions that Colorado Rockies’ manager Bud Black replace President Joe Biden in the second Presidential Debate were vehemently shouted down by the radical cashew and pecan gallery here.
Rumors gaining steam in the House openly predicted that Black, who claims no political affiliation, would stand-in for the president on September 10. Citing what they called a befuddled disconnect during the last debate, many say GOP challenger Donald Trump relied on madcap lies, raging misrepresentation and brutish fearmongering , to plow through the less than enchanting evening, His unhinged approach seemed to impress many voters compared to general disappointment voiced by the Biden people.
Frighteningly enough it appears the switch was percolated by the fact that the two men look alike and little more. Biden never played top tier baseball and Black’s political aspirations hit a wall in a student council election in high school. Black is much younger, at 66, than either of the frontrunners, and, according to attending physicians, much healthier.*
Black’s career winning percentage is below .500 while Biden’s approval rating hovers and hobbles at around 43%. Neither are known felons.
Yes the dozing electorate may still be asleep. Most expressed deep-seated frustration with the choices of the two leading political parties…two old white men. One is over-the-hill and gazing upwards, while the other believes he is on the top of the same hill, looking down. One not quite saying enough and the other never shutting up.
Meanwhile GOP stalwarts are praising the Lord, stampeding sheep and moving ahead with gerrymandering. The culmination of which is the exhuming of former Commander-in-Chief, Dwight Eisenhower to replace Trump on stage if the latter cannot get work release from prison. Eisenhower is seen by many as the last honest Republican (Jimmy Carter the last Democrat in this capacity) and could work well in today’s jumbled and angry political arena.
Neither Biden, Black or Eisenhower returned our phone messages Thursday.
*Black has never spent a weekend in Dover and does not eat fast food.
INSIDE YOUR ISSUE
Sister Planet Load of Crap says Montrose Planner
Cosmic Relations Flimsy Front For Water Piracy?
Satanic Cult Denied Liquor License
Special Events Permit Still Being Considered
Boneland Security Defends Trash Checks
Situation Tense as Dumps Reopen
Flood Waters Spare Crested Butte
Wild Flower Exchange Could Lessen Trade Deficits
Toilet Paper Shipment Lost on Norwood Hill
Truck Driver Jumps – Bear Enjoy Brush With Luxury
Rockies Hope to Stay Out of Foul Trouble After Ninth
Greedy management turns off once loyal fans
