Author Archive for M. Toole
Council recommends counseling
Bears – Potentially Violent Pests
The Crested Butte Town Council has passed a resolution which prohibits bear from plundering the town limits and, in cases where authorities are forced to anesthetize the animals, provide professional counseling for bears caught trespassing. The new ordinance calls for bears caught in the act of eating garbage, berries or birthday cake to undergo six weeks of counseling and submit to drug testing.
Sociologists from Boulder will be in town on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 11am to 3 pm and all wild animals that are experiencing trauma are invited to stop by. All leash laws will be suspended for the entire population until further notice.
One incident, where a 500-pound black bear was captured in a local fudge store, perched on a counter seat munching on candied apples, magnified the danger inherent in a hungry bear population.
Sources within the walls of this storied city tell us that bear have been known to respond to behavior modification and therapy such as bass fishing and role playing. Most suffer from lower level schizophrenia, passive-aggressive tendencies and anger issues.
“But mostly they are hungrier than you or I can imagine,” said Eunice Pelt. “Imagine filling up a body like that on berries. No wonder they love beer nuts and cereal.”
“This is the 21st Century! We will not be held hostage by bruins. There are millions of acres to roam,” said one councilperson. “Can’t the bear go there?”
Experts from the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory to the Roaring Fork Fish Hatchery say the bear will be a problem until it gets cold and they all go to bed.
ELECTIONS NEAR MERCIFUL END
The 2012 elections are about to come to a grateful termination and we wold like to bid them a crisp, halting farewell. The competition for power is relentless even though nobody has a clue how to fix anything. The silly debates and phony smiles continue to placate an ever-growing population of partisan voters, polarized by special interests and one issue politics.
The corporate media called the debates “heated” and “bruising”. These apocalyptic pushers of the daily special are not right or left but rather keepers of Wall Street’s status quo. How can a pissing contest between two detached millionaires have any real bearing on the problems that face the middle class? If these politicians really took off the gloves there would be blood. If Obama and Romney were valid protectors of the Constitution there might even be sincerity. It has all been a piteous sideshow performed by the light of the flames of a circus tent is on fire.
We have suggested that voters bring a red crayon to the polls and simply write NO on the ballot. Sleepwalking behind the little curtain the blind and unaware watch politicians all painted up for the night on the corner. How much will they charge to sleep with the Chinese? Will they spill mascara on the opinion polls?
News flash: Off-shore fat cat Mitt Romney’s plan to gain 40 pounds before the election seems to be winning over the obese electorate. He had to do it, say supporters to balance the ticket (Paul Ryan is so skinny). A majority of the weight gain will take place in the Red States where fat already rules.
Meanwhile Obama hopes to stay in the White House with the support of everyone but white men. He talks. He walks. He plays hoops. Nothing changes. He is a reconditioned salesman for the same old sour product. The Republicans vehemently want him out but (despite their embrace of the Christian bloc) are elitist, narrow-minded and morally bankrupt. Will Romney and Ryan claim to have African heritage in the eleventh hour?
While both of these men have nice families, confident smiles and dress the part of leaders they are not even close to solving anything. What the country needs is a President with whiskers!
And then: moments after the election returns are counted the electorate will be subjected to tedious and repetitious analysis. Fodder for fools.
Peering through the smoke it may indeed make more sense to argue about gay marriage and the war on drugs. Legalized marijuana is on the Colorado ballot. What will they say about that in Egypt or Alabama? What good are state’s rights if the feds send in their goons and pull up all of our pretty plants?
In closing we apologize for the delay in presenting our much anticipated Exclusive Interview with former President George W. Bush. We thought we had him cornered in Dallas but he went over the wall of his gated community and is now reportedly hold up outside the feed lots over in Ft Worth.
– Fred Zeppelin
Obituary JOHN Q. FLY
Close friends and family bemoan the passing of John Q Fly this morning. Fly, a short-timer resident of the San Juan and Elk Mountains was survived by countless shirttail relatives and an estimated 2000 maggots. His burial details were not released but it is surmised that his mangled carcass was simply thrown into the trash or a wood stove.
The cause of death has been determined to be a rolled up copy of The San Juan Horseshoe. A quondam casket, proxy memorial will be announced by the weekend.
Although his exact birthdate remains unknown, Fly managed to pester and annoy more than 3500 people in the region during his brief, but active stay. All who knew him agreed that he enjoyed his work. Although not much of a sportsman, he loved to eat fish and was especially attracted to sugar and grease throughout his too short existence.
Ancestors include maternal grandparents John L Fly and Margaret Q Fly of the Newport Gadflies and maiden aunt Bess Tsetse Diptera who had a major impact on John when he was but a maggot himself. In contrast, her lifelong partner Elrod Caddis served as a particularly bad example, preferring to hang around urinals and feed lots than take on any real family responsibility.
Presidential candidates gain weight in eleventh hour in appeal for obese vote
- Cleveland) Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have put on a little weight these days in an attempt to sway the vote of Ohio’s chubby voters. Hoping to capitalize on the state’s higher than average obesity ranking both candidates plan to put on 10 pounds per day before the November 6 election.
They intend to do this by restructuring their diets and terminating all exercise.
“I intend to be one with the people,” said Romney from his tour bus near Akron. “The middle class is a little round around the middle as I will be, if not today then on the first day of my Presidency.
Obama echoed the same sentiments promising to embrace a full figure agenda despite the reported protests of the First Lady, Michelle Obama, a strong proponent of nutrition and healthy lifestyle.
“It’s finally come to this,” said one Libertarian. “Politicians have been employing smoke and mirrors since the beginning of time and now they have evolved into shape changing.”
Thirty-five percent of adults in the United States are obese according to countless studies conducted by the Center Disease Control and the number is growing. Mississippi is the fattest state and Colorado the leanest. Ohio falls somewhere in the center and the smell of fresh voter blood there has been enough to entice the hungry coyotes in both parties.
Both Romney and Obama supporters acknowledge that their whistle-stoppers will begin to shed the pounds (like election promises?) immediately following the election. Obama plans to jog in Anacostia while Romney has booked a month in a swank resort-spa in Park City.
Please see related piece: South Sudan Diet Big Hit in Palm Springs
GHOST OF ABE LINCOLN THANKS DIXIE FOR SUPPORT OF GOP
(Charleston, SC) The ghost of Honest Abe Lincoln, dba Honest Abe the Rail Splitter, aka (expletive deleted) Emancipator of the Slaves visiting shipyards here across from Fort Sumner to express his gratitude for the support of the American South in this and most elections since 1968.
Before that the Democrats could count on the overwhelming vote of Dixiecrats or the Solid South, in a region that saw the Republican Party as the Yankee Party. Many Blacks did not vote in those days and the democrats featured candidates that would keep it that way.
Lincoln, who appeared and reappeared in a gaseous state, similar to the smoke and fire from Civil War battlefields was attended by lost souls of the more than 700,000 war dead who didn’t thank anyone.
“I don’t care what level-headed people say,” snapped one descendent of the conflict whose ancestors bombarded the Union fort stranded like of concrete raft in the secessionist harbor. “Lincoln and the Republicans started the war, perpetuated Reconstruction and destroyed the South. How these people can support them today is beyond belief.”
Polls suggest that most people below the Mason-Dixon Line do not connect Lincoln to cotton or Yankees to Republicans.
NATIONAL FORESTS TO GET CORPORATE SPONSORS
(Washington) Our National Forests will be assigned corporate sponsors by the end of the summer according to the Department of the Interior. As local politicians line up for the spoils and environmentalists scream bloody murder, the public seems oblivious to the move.
Sources at the Interior Department say they don’t really like the idea of allowing large companies to associate with land trusts but that the fiscal situation dictates a change in policy. Most corporations will sink millions of dollars into upkeep and preservation of the forests although some conflicts of interest have already emerged.
“It’s nothing more than what happened to all the college bowl games on New Year’s Day,” said Melvin Tool, the brainchild of the new hierarchy.
At present, several Western Colorado forests have been apportioned out and assigned corporate sponsors at least until the end of the century. The forests affected by this pilot program are the Uncompahgre, the Gunnison, the San Juan, the White River and the Routt National Forests. In the future all citizens making reference to these bodies of land will refer to the trusts as follows: the Uncompahgre is now the Prudential Uncompahgre National Forest; the Gunnison is the Frito-Lay Gunnison National Forest; The San Juan is the Xerox San Juan National Forest; the White River is the Procter and Gamble White River National Forest and the Routt is the Citicorp Routt National Forest.
In return for large financial investments the controlling corporations will be allowed to employ the land for the common good of stockholders and limit access to the public when it is determined profitable. They must also foot the bill for utilities, seasonal painting, carpeting and overall maintenance.
“We might see some company like Frito-Lay shooting a commercial near Snodgrass Mountain or a concern such as Xerox featuring some guy in Paradise Basin trying to make copies to send to a customer over in Howardsville,” flinched Tool. “Otherwise the corporate presence will be almost undetectable, especially during the winter months when everything is covered in snow and roads are inaccessible.”
It is expected that by the end of the year all the nation’s forests will graced with corporate sponsors as bidding in Europe and Asia will get off the ground next week.
“Things are running smoothly thus far as we will retain all present departments and hire about 40,000 part-time summer employees to keep an eye on things out in the woods,” added Tool. “We can still tag deer and elk, tranquilize bear and mountain lions, put up little signs and run around in our green trucks all we want,” said Tool, “but now somebody else is paying the piper.” -Kashmir Horseshoe
IQ Pop Quiz Awaits Voters in November
(Washington) Going to the polls in November? Be advised that you could be tested on basic knowledge before being allowed to vote. This new approach to validating elections, a simple IQ test, will be administered randomly by non-partisan voter behavior experts to try to determine why the electorate is so easily manipulated and why our choices are so pitiful.
The quiz is in no way meant to suggest that the voting population is stupid and uneducated on political matters according to a source on the ground here.
“When we read that 17% of the voters think Obama is a Muslim and 22% don’t know where Mitt Romney was governor, we have a problem of credibility,” said the source. “This lack of savvy often dictates how a politician campaigns and why the two political parties keep nominating mouthpieces instead of brain trusts.
The questions on the quiz will run the gamut from Constitutional workings to American foreign policy to theories on democracy. It is not a trivia game and could represent a last ditch effort to reward intelligence and responsibility in the country.
There is no way to cram for the test and those failing will not be punished or made to feel bad.
